About six months ago, I met this man at work and we became good friends. From day one, he would always follow me around during our shifts and find ways to keep me company and help me out with tasks. Early on, I found out about his girlfriend and I mentally put him as “unavailable.” Then, the trouble began. He started amping up his efforts and making it impossible for me to ignore him. I fell for him, and I fell pretty hard as well.
A few months after our friendship developed, this man and his girlfriend decided to wear “promise rings” and I was shocked. He was clearly flirting with me at work—all my coworkers thought so— and I was very confused by this. In August, she moved to a different area of the country and he claims their relationship has ended. As soon as she left, I became closer with him.
Now, I spend three or four days a week at his house, even overnight, although we have not slept together. He calls me several times a week, and will text me at least once a day. The promise ring has come off. He never mentions the name of his ex or anything, I always have to bring it up to ask if he is seeing her. He has suggested we move in together into a two bedroom apartment; I’m not sure if that means anything.
Basically, I don’t know where we stand right now. He wants to spend all this time with me, but will not commit to me, although we have had the talk before. I don’t understand if he actually is in love with me—he has said he loves me—or if I am being manipulated in some way. I know he still maintains contact with his ex girlfriend, although I don’t know if this contact is appropriate or not.
The fact that he technically cheated on her by flirting with me for months has me feeling scared. I am scared he will cheat on me. I am scared I will be discarded so easily. I am trying to trust him, but I need to know if you think he is being serious with me, and if he honestly does love me.
Thanks for your question.
It’s very important that you trust your gut here. Clearly, you’re not sure, and something is bothering you. And we can see why. He’s shown that he’s capable of being “unfaithful.” (Although some would argue that flirting isn’t being unfaithful.) He’s shown that he’s capable of juggling two women at once. (Promise rings, flirting with you, etc.) If you put these behaviors together, it’s very possible he’s a player.
However, we aren’t mind readers so it’s hard to know what he’s truly thinking or feeling. Based on his actions he certainly seems like he’s very much into you, but since he won’t commit to you we can’t determine to what extent. So the first thing that you need to figure out is whether or not his other relationship is truly over. To us, that point seems nebulous. He says they are over, but then why is he still talking with her? It doesn’t seem like they’ve made the transition to friends, so that’s something to look into. What exactly is the nature of their communication? And why is he even communicating with her at all? The fact that he doesn’t mention her name at all, but still talks to her, makes us suspicious. If they were just friends then he could share some of what they talked about. Red-flag here.
We suggest you proceed slowly with this until it’s more clear and you feel more certain. And moving in with someone is a big deal. You need to feel 100% sure—as sure as anyone can feel in a relationship—before you do that. A lot of people think if they move in with someone, or get married, or have a baby, all of a sudden that’s going to change things, or give them more control over the other person. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. He is who he is, and until you really know who that exactly is, we’d recommend taking this slow. Relationships are all about trust. You don’t have that foundation yet.
Feel free to ask us a follow up question, or questions. And keep us posted as this progresses.
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