Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out online dating sites

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I met online a year ago. Once we started dating we both deactivated our accounts. But after a fight I saw that he reactivated his. After approaching him about it he apologized and deleted it. A few months later after another fight I saw an email notification that he had signed up for a completely new online dating website. I am unsure how to approach this or what it means. Right now things seem better than ever as we approach our one year anniversary, but maybe they are not as good as they seem?


Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. We’re glad things seem to be better, but do you really think you should ignore this pattern of behavior? (Every time the two of you have a problem, he goes and starts exploring dating sites.) His behavior is a red-flag. It basically means he’s got one foot in and one foot out of the relationship. As soon as something goes wrong he’s off checking out what else is out there. This is not the behavior of someone who is committed for the long haul. And it means a part of him is not satisfied with what he has.

In order for relationships to thrive both partners have to choose the relationship every day. The relationship must be their first priority when they’re out traversing the world. Because these days, with online dating, chat rooms, and other web related activities, it’s easier than ever to stray. And not only stray, but to hide any “activity” from a partner. That’s why this needs to be addressed now.

We understand that you’re scared to broach the topic for fear that he’ll leave, but honestly, if you don’t, it’s not like the problem’s going to go away. And really, just because he’s physically in the relationship doesn’t mean he’s committed emotionally. Do you really want to be with a guy you can’t trust? Do you want to be with a guy who doesn’t feel as excited to be with you as you are with him? We don’t think so. If he freaks out and breaks up with you, you’ll have all the answers you need. As sad as that might be, he’ll be doing you a favor, and you won’t waste any more time with a guy who cheats. If he doesn’t freak out, and seems completely remorseful, apologizes, asks for forgiveness and says he’ll do anything to restore the trust in the relationship—including going to couple’s counseling or something like that—then at that point you can decide if that’s what you still really want.

What do you think? Does this make sense to you? Do you have any follow up questions? Ask away.

Good luck and keep us posted.


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33 Comments on Relationship and Dating Advice: My boyfriend is checking out online dating sites

  1. Hello .. Guys ..:)

    I found this website unintentionally … I made myself in trouble I guess .. I am now building relationship with a guy he is same age (48) as me .. He does not even look handsome or cute or charming, not even hot body but he is generally average look and keep good shape. BUT he is friendly and self confidence. I like him cause he is straight forward person, the way he views life, nature and his thought to the earth, people, family and his inner sensitive. His passion to working hard and get result from it. His kindness to giving hands to his friends. He is down to earth and simple man.

    We have a little in common when we started talk on skype (we live in dif. country) after one month and a half talking. I sent him email said I can’t figure it out how does he feel about me cause I do not want to waste my time on line after finished my working day and go nowhere. Yes..I am quite straight forward person too.. I have been used and that guy damaged a lot in my emotion, feeling and my faith of relationship (no sex involved) by a man that I totally trusted almost a year from previous relationship cause I was new on on line dating by that time.

    So to cut the story short .. this man told I do like you .. more than friend but do not rush into the relationship .. He said we have to build it together and he wants to build & grow slowly with me. So we don’t jump in too fast. Which by that time I don’t like him that much .. so I agreed with him cause I feel like that the way it should be and I was not really ready too. I guess I still have bad memory from previous relationship .. and it made me a bit hesitation and afraid of it.

    He is not sweet word person .. BUT the way he talks about relationship and feeling toward me is more classic without sweet words. He has never called me babe, darling, dear, honey or any pet names. He just call my name and my nickname which surprised me that he can remembered it as I told him only one time and even more impressed he has right spelling as well. I realized later after time passed by that he remembered a little small details I have told but even myself already forgot about that .. And to talk more & spend more time, open up more with him the way we see the world, life, people, career, financial status, music and etc. are quite lot things in common.

    After two months and so .. he sent me date & plan to visit me which he already told me that he will visit my country after one month I knew him BUT I don’t pay attention much by that time actually I don’t even think he will come. However .. he texts me quite often when he’s not home .. or on working ..and skype me without any appt. just log in and wait to have luck I will log in on skype and he can talk or see me before he leaves to work (we have 12 time zone dif.) even few mins. impressed me but not enough to get me ..

    I am now concerning about his past serious relationship which last for 7 years after he proposed her .. she cheated on him and he did it 2 months after .. before they broke up (they are in the same country) .. plus after that (don’t know how long) he had girl in Japan and can’t make things happen cause that girl has to taking care her parent could not relocate to his country this one last for 1 year After that he had relationship with girl in my country but he had to break it up cause after one year passed he found his feeling did not totally into her ??!! hmm hmm .. weird .. and he said both relationship were not too serious…quite red flag for me..I guess.

    I found his profiles on another two websites but he has no idea about this (he told me before that he has few profiles on another websites when he talked to me on skype and I asked him). . and he has no idea that I can check his last time log in as well .. I turn off my profile and he did the same on the website we met. But his another profiles still active on few websites ???!!! and still checking even once for a while .. what does it mean ???

    The question is if he wanted to building relationship while he is still active and keep checking once for a while on his websites ?? should I go for him or he just try to win me or he is a player cause if he came to visit me for 2 weeks and fly back and then what ?? of course I already told him that I won’t share room with him on trip definitely not and I will not allow him to come to my house cause I don’t know him well. He told he respects that and even admires me. One more thing is he has many friends in many countries (mostly male friends-as he is one of sky driving team – as far as I know from him) and around his house .. mostly his friends are married and he likes to helping his friends working in a farm then get beer or coffee drinking together. Very difficult to read his gesture while talking cause he remains calm but sometimes when he enjoys too much talking with me .. he was a bit clumsy and nervous but not so often. He laughs and smiles a lot when I tease him. BUT sometimes he is also very serious and again as I said .. I don’t that much like him .. so I didn’t pay attention much.

    BUT on the day I am writing now I am having stronger feeling for him .. but I am so afraid .. I will make mistake again. So please help by giving me some advice or some things that I might missing some part to let me make right decision. Your opinion as the person who looks from outside might warn me something and it will be very very value for me.

    Thank you very very much

  2. @Ms. Confusion…….Thank your for your donation. We do appreciate it! Quick question: What country are you from? Him? We understand your dilemma. When you meet someone online it’s very difficult to gauge who they really are because all you can go by is what they say to you via phone, email, text or Skype. And when you add a long distance component into the equation—two different countries—it’s even more difficult to assess properly. So let’s discuss each of your questions/concerns. 1. Why is he on other dating websites? Answer: He could be a player. It’s hard to know really until you meet him and get to know him. However, he might be feeling as unsure about the situation as you are. And if so, he’s probably saying to himself, “I should keep active on other sites until I know for sure what’s happening with this woman.” That’s probably what we might do as well. There’s so many uncertainties with you and him that it’s almost too soon for him to commit. And you as well. That said, keep your eyes open here. Because his past does factor into the equation 2. What does his past mean? Answer: His past does concern us. It seems he has a history of getting very excited about woman via online, and then losing interest as things progress. This worries us. And when you factor that in to the equation, maybe his active profiles are a concern. (Something for you to keep an eye on) 3. Is this worth your time? Answer: Our suggestion is to keep talking with him but keep your eyes open for any other red-flags. We have an uneasy feeling abut this, but it could be just our reaction to your uneasy feeling. If the two of you meet up, definitely do not sleep with him, and meet him somewhere that’s busy during the day and just talk with him. You need to find out more about him and you need to do that in person. (Many times) And this is where this becomes even more complicated. We’re not so sure if it’s going to be possible for you to get to know him well enough to completely trust him. What do you think? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. Treat this as a conversation. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  3. Stephanie // February 3, 2013 at 8:08 am //

    Hey Guys,
    I’ve written to you before about my relationship with my 30 y.o boyfriend which is almost at 2 years now and going well. I’m 23. I’ve written to you on the issue of porn, which I was so upset at when I found dirty pictures on my boyfriends phone at one time. He of course justified this with ‘all guys do it and it means nothing,I still love you etc’. You guys gave me a similar explanation which is all fine and dandy. Only now, I’m 7 weeks pregnant, for the first time, with his baby – We’re stable and planning on getting engaged soon which I’m over the moon about. I caught him once, and I made it very clear that I didn’t appreciate it, that it made me feel like I wasn’t enough (me being a virgin when we met) and that I’d never do that to him. This time, they’re not on his phone, they’re in his email inbox, sent to himself – to wank over without he finding out through his phone I assume? So my question to you Guys is, what in the f***ing hell gives that pig the right to check out girls after he knows firstly, it upsets me and secondly, I’m pregnant and dealing with a million body changes and not looking my fab best like before I fell pregnant?! I really try hard to fight the urge to think all men are the same, I know they’re not but why this ?? And worst of all, these wern’t downright hard core photos like the others.. Strangely, these were of fit, white, slim tennis players caught on camera as they bent over in their little sports skirts to pick up the ball. WTF. I look nothing like that and will not for the next 8 months. Is this what I’m in for? I definately don’t deserve it. I treat him like a prince, I love him and we have very regular passionate sex. Now, I didn’t make a scene. I’m classier than that. As he was using his email on my laptop when I found the photos, I promptly logged into my Facebook, downloaded the sexiest most ripped guy I found on a random model page, and saved it as my mac screensaver. What’s good for the geese is good for the gander. He, being the typical latin guy he is, didn’t like that very much, so he got up and left. I’m hurt… I feel like I won’t be able to keep his eyes on me while I’m pregnant becuase I’m not good enough anymore. Please explain.

  4. @Stephanie……..We have only one issue. The fact that he knows how you feel and he’s still doing it. That shows a lack of respect and consideration on his part. However, the two of you need to figure this out ASAP. Guys look at pictures. Tennis players bending over, porn, girls in bikinis, it’s all fair game and interesting to guys. What you’re not understanding is that it has nothing to do with how he feels about you, or whether or not he’s attracted to you. This is all fantasy. It’s about variety. The good news is, he’s not out seeking variety with actual humans. The bad news is, he’s hiding things from you and being inconsiderate.

  5. Stephanie // February 3, 2013 at 6:12 pm //

    Thanks Guys,
    Well that’s just it. It hurts that he still does it.. And through his email so I won’t find out? Thats premeditated right there. As far as I’m concerned, we’ve figured it out already. No girls. I understand men are visual and have their needs. Well so do we, and so do I. I’d give my right arm to marry Vin Diesel, do I spend my free time fantasising about his arms? I can’t help feeling this has nothing to do with me. The only reason I’d do that repeatedly is because he’s not enough. And sorry, but the feeling is maximised by a thousand because I’m pregnant. He already has a 2 y.o from his first marriage, he has no excuse to not know how expectant mothers feel about their image – don’t get me wrong, I’m a milf in the making (lol) and I’m happy with how I look, but this all makes me wonder how he thinks I look. I’m going a little low here, but in your opinion, as guys, I wanna get him right in the nuts so he never forgets.. Will doing the same think back – discreetly – make him stop, as he hates me looking at other men? I hate playing tit for tat but I’m at a loss here, and not willing to lay down and accept that this is fair game for guys… Who says I don’t like my variety too?

  6. @Stephanie…..That strategy will hurt him but likely backfire in the end. He needs to know that you’re serious about this and that it really bothers you. Threatening to leave is probably more powerful because it’s closer to the truth, and closer to how you feel. A tit for a tat is never the way you want to be in a relationship even though we agree that his behavior is inappropriate.

  7. My boyfriend is deployed and my friend found him on a few dating websites. He joined them after he left so I had no idea. He doesn’t act any different to me, I think he even shows more affection now than he did before he left. He’s always talking about when he gets back that we’re moving in together and throws obvious hints that he’s proposing when he gets back. He bought me extravagant gifts for Christmas and Valentine’s day, I’m so confused. I have a lot of his stuff with me, so I’m starting to think he’s just staying with me because it’s convient for him and that I have some of his stuff. I’m so lost and really don’t know where to turn or what to do.

  8. @Amanda……Obviously you’re going to have to talk to him at some point otherwise this is going to eat you up. When do you see him next? That’s probably the best time to sit him down and figure this out.

  9. I am in a mess that I have tried to clean up, but it keeps getting messier. I live with my boyfriend of almost 5 years, and it has always been rocky. I have a child, who will be 4, from another man. The first affair happened when we first started dating. It was not planned, and I am ashamed of it, but I am very happy to have my daughter. He forgave me for it, and we have been okay. I moved in with him after my daughter was born, and stayed with him until my daughter turned two. He and I had a major fight one day and he kicked me out. We got back together two days after Thanksgiving of 2011. We started over and were doing great. We (my daughter and I) moved back in back in April of last year. In August, I found out I was pregnant (I’m currently 9 months pregnant now). That was when it got rocky again. He started playing video games again, and I became very very jealous. He would play the game for over three hours 4 or 5 times a week after my daughter went to bed. I would beg him to pay attention to me, but that would only be for 45 minutes to an hour. It wasn’t fair. I was missing that connection, the attention.. I wanted to feel loved, wanted, that I was important. I wasn’t feeling that. An old friend and I were talking, and he asked me to come over one day so I could vent. Well, we talked, and I ended up sleeping with him. I was almost 4 months pregnant at the time of the affair, so we really don’t have to worry about paternity testing. My boyfriend found out about it by snooping through my emails and phone. I have since been trying to do right, but I’m now wondering if I’m wasting my time. I have stopped talking to the man I had the affair with, I have kept everything out in the open, let him see my phone and emails, I don’t delete anything, I am completely honest with him, I don’t flirt, I don’t browse… I’m doing everything he asked me to do. I thought everything was going fine, until the end of January when I noticed how secretive he was being with his phone and emails. One night, I looked through his phone and found texts from three women – one being a prostitute. I woke him up and found out he was on a dating site. The next day, I was able to hack into his profile and he had messaged over 50 women, telling them how beautiful, pretty, sexy, gorgeous, etc. they were, asked them if he would have a shot with them or if they would be interested in him, called me horrible names and degraded me. I talked to him about it, and I forced him to delete it. Well, three weeks ago, I found out that he made a new email and created a new dating site account because he wants private conversations, even though none of mine are private. Mine have to be kept out in the open.
    Am I wasting my time? How can I convince him to stop getting on dating sites and talking to single women? Also, how can I get him to go to counseling with me? (I’ve been going ever since I found out I was pregnant. It helps some, but it would be better if he would participate.)

    Please help me.

  10. @Jordan…….His behavior is likely a response to yours. Is this second child his or from another man? Honestly, this sounds like a mess. Maybe it would be better if the two of you started fresh with someone else? What do you think? Sure counseling would help, but it seems like you’ve both been trying to make this work for years and it’s still not working. Doesn’t that tell you something? He doesn’t seem happy. And you don’t either. Obviously you have to make your own decisions, but is it possible you’re too scared to move on? Him too?

  11. Yes, this second child is his. I’m too scared to move on by myself. He’s told people that he deserves better, but can’t move on because I have trapped him. He’s also told them that I could still be cheating because I apparently have too much time during the day. I’m 9 months pregnant and can’t work, plus I gave him my word that I wouldn’t cheat again. He’s stupid to think I would have the energy to have another affair. He’s also said that he thinks he should give me a chance for the baby’s sake. What is really confusing me is his actions and his words. He says he hates me and doesn’t care about me, but the way he acts towards me say different. He will ask me how I’m feeling, if I need anything, help around the house if I can’t do something.

  12. @Jordan…..We’re sorry this is so hard. Take care.

  13. This whole men checking out hook up sites, My partner has always looked at porn on his phone online whatever, it doesn’t faze me to much he has a high sex drive so I need a break sometimes 😉 lol.but He keeps going on those hook up sites like the dirty ones. He says he goes to look at the pictures but he keeps uploading his own photo I deleted his picture I said I dont mind if you wanna look, we’ve been together 10 years this year I dont want him to get bored lol, but it really gives me uneasy feelings to know other women are checking him out though. he keeps putting the picture back up on the site, To my knowledge he hasn’t done more then click the wink button and like girls pictures. Is this a sign though that he wants to meet other women or is it really the excitement of attention from other women when you’ve been with the same person for so long. I dont want to blow up in to a massive argument over past issues (long story short he left me 5 or 6 years ago for another women for 6 months) I am frozen in a state of what ifs at present and its stressing me the hell out.

  14. @Just me………It’s certainly not a good sign that he’s uploading his picture whatever his intentions. As you know, looking at porn is a totally different ballgame than checking out these hook up sites. Does he know that you know? Considering your history together it’s certainly worth inquiring about without putting him on the defensive. Depending on his reaction, you’ll be able to gauge whether you want to make it a big deal or not. To us, it’s crossing the line. But that’s your call.

  15. Dear Guys and everybody else,
    I keep reading about people with stories similar to mine and I don’t know whether to be relieved or very worried.
    I am Spanish, living in Madrid and I have been dating an Australian guy for a year, before moving in together four months ago. Before being with me, he ended a long term relationship with a girl with whom he had a completely non existing sexual life. He told me many times how this affected his self esteem and made him almost addicted to porn as a way to release tension. I have never had a problem with that and I know you can’t get rid of habits like this, coming from psychological issues, from one day to another, so I have always been very understanding with him, letting him know that him watching porn is not an issue for me, as long as he tries to change it from addiction to normal enjoyment. We also have a very active and passionate sexual life, so his issues are not really interfering with us. But…
    A couple of months ago, surfing on the Internet on his computer, I discovered he is also often on a chat site and a hook up site for guys (yes, he is bi).
    I asked him what that meant and he told me that he goes on the hook up site only because they post good sex stories and he likes to read them sometimes instead of watching porn. And chatting, he said, came from porn not being enough anymore: he started role playing (always with guys) in chat rooms years ago, while having that very bad relationship with his ex.
    I let him know that I don’t like the idea of him being sexual, even if just verbally, with other people and that I’d like him to get rid of that habit as soon as he can. He promised me he is was not going to do it anymore, and I asked him details about it, whether or not he was also exchanging pictures or using a web cam etc. and he always denied. He also told me that since we started dating he was only in contact with one guy, and heard from him very rarely (once every two or three months).
    Again, I am a very understanding person and he loves me like crazy and I can feel that in every single thing he does with me. He is a great person with a very messed up past and he is trying to get better every day. But, one of the main things that I can’t stand is lies. He has a long history of lies and I have always told him I’d rather him being honest and tell me something not very pleasant rather than discovering later he lied to me. He told me millions of times he is being open and honest with me but…. A couple of days ago he left the house in a rush because a friend called with an emergency. He left the computer on, with the internet up and everything. I wanted to turn it off and I saw that he was on an email account I had never known about. Turns out, that was an account he used to keep in contact with guys he was chatting with and he had many many dirty conversations with them, some of which implying the fact that they were also on the webcam. Frequent conversations were also happening while we were already together, not only with one guy and surely not once every two or three months..I’d say once every two or three days!

    I don’t really know what to do. He trusts me and we talked many times about how I want to trust him and I don’t want to look at his search history or email etc, so now I feel guilty because I didn’t keep my word. I also know that he has major issues related to his sexual life and I want to be supportive and help him get back to a normal way of feeling.
    He is really a great guy and I don’t want to lose him… what can I do?

  16. @Lory…..He might be a great guy in many ways, but if this continues you’re going to start resenting him, and then you’re not going to think he’s so great. As you know, trust is everything in a relationship, and clearly you can’t trust him. (This is a red-flag.) You seem like a very understanding person, but almost to a fault. When being understanding starts to morph into accepting behaviors you shouldn’t accept that’s when you can run into trouble. Many guys watch porn even when they’re in happy and healthy relationships. It’s all fantasy. But once a guy starts letting his fantasy world creep into his real world that’s when problems ensue. Your guy has gone well beyond that. So what should you do? You have a serious issue on your hands. More serious than you might imagine. So the first step is to start talking with him. You need to let him know that you know about his other activities. (Unless you want to completely ignore it.) We’re not guaranteeing a great outcome, but at least the truth will be out in the open. He might say you betrayed him, and in some ways you did. But once you find damning evidence all bets are off. It doesn’t make him more innocent just because you snooped. If that makes sense. Basically, it all needs to get out in the open. What he’s really up to? Why he’s doing it? Why he feels the need to seek more relationships beyond yours? Does he really want to be with men? Etc. THere are a lot of questions to be answered. We might even suggest meeting with a professional to help you sort these issues out. But DO NOT ignore this. It’s only going to get worse. And frankly, there’s probably more going on than you know. Good luck. Hang in there.

  17. Thank you Guys for your help! I would like to update you on the situation. I shared what I discovered with my boyfriend and he was very ashamed, both because he lied and because of what was going on. He repeated that all of that was habit and it had no meaning for him anymore, but it was very hard for him to get rid of it all at the same time. I told him we need a plan because this is a serious issue and he can’t just think he can solve it on his own, but he seems not to be very open to the idea of me being part of this. He cancelled the account he used for chatting, but he is still messaging on the gay hook up site, i read a conversation and he is still tlking about video chatting. There’s no more porn in his web history but he might be just erasing it, knowing that I “check on him”. I don’t know… It’s very difficult for me to find the balance between letting him know that I am at his side and being sure he is worth all my trust and understanding. I love him, I want to help him and have a great future with him… but it seems so difficult to have control on this. I don’t want to give up on him but maybe I can’t make it on my own.

  18. @Lory…..This is your call. To us, this seems like a lot to accept and work through. But we also know that people need to experience what they need to experience before they’re willing to let go. Who knows, maybe with help and support he can change. We would just hate for you to help him through all of this and then realize you totally resent him for it and don’t want to be with him anymore. Good luck.

  19. My boyfriend stopped having sex with me some time ago, he said he dosnt want anything heavy. He makes video calls for masturbation, being into young girls and also goes on online dating sites. However we see each other every day and evening and still sleep together. Infact he gets offended if I want a night on my own. He has prostrate problems and was divorced after a long dysfunctional marriage five years ago. I am totally confused and often hurt. What do I make of this and what should I do? Is there any hope

  20. @Debbi…….Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it……..In reading over your question a few times we’re not sure what you’re hoping to save. We’ll paraphrase from our perspective. Instead of having sex with you he prefers to masturbate to young girls via video chat, as well as go on online dating sites? However, he still wants your company and emotional support because he’s lonely and territorial. Is that about it? Honestly Debbi, don’t you think you deserve more than this? What are really getting out of this? In our opinion, you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you and respects you AND wants to have sex with you. You’re settling for a half-relationship. Please think about what we said. We’re truly sorry we couldn’t be more uplifting or hopeful but we try to be honest. Understand that it comes from a supportive place. Take care of yourself.

  21. champ2013 // June 24, 2013 at 7:31 pm //

    I accidentally found out my bf of a yr was on a dating site. I was going to fix his wifi connection and when i swiped his mouse pad i saw the dating site. When confronted him he lied. Then he admitted to browsing but not contacting any one. I told him that im obviously not want he wants and left. I blocked him from calling or texting me. He emailed me apologizing and saying he was going to delete it that date but unintentionally forgot. He say he wishes he could talk to me and he loves and misses me like crazy. He knows he messed up. I think he is just upset that he got caught. I havent responded yet. Im not sure if i should talk to him again. Or how long i should wait if i do decide to speak to him again. This happened this past Friday. What do you think?

  22. Allison Dunn // July 13, 2013 at 7:09 pm //

    I found some dating sites in my boyfriends browsing history. He denies going to those sites and claims that they are simply “pop-ups” from some other sites. Is this a possibility or am I being played?

  23. @Allison……..It’s possible. What other sites does he mean? Have you found profiles that he’s created on any of these dating sites?

  24. mrsvain // July 19, 2013 at 6:06 pm //

    What if he is just looking at the ones that come in his email? i am not sure if he just clicked an ad or if it was a pop up or if he typed in the address. he has looked up flirthookup and xmeeting. both have naked pictures of women. he still hasnt completed his profile thou and i think the only thing is the dob which he filled out to get to the next screen. (i tried the site on my computer). now it is sending him emails every day and he does click to read the messages (which are all asking him to post a picture). i dont know if he is just to stupid to figure out how to post a picture or what. but he still looks at the pictures. oh and his distance is 4 hours away from our location. does it mean he is “looking to see what is out there” or “thinking” of cheating?

  25. @Mrsvain…..Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it! This is a tough call. Gaining access to naked pictures is just a click away, so that makes us wonder why he’s on hookup sites at all. If he just wanted to look at naked women he could get that anywhere on the internet. So that raises a red-flag for us. You need to monitor this closely, or possibly bring it up with him. Questions: How long have you dated? How old are the two of you? Has this always been a long distance relationship? Has he been questioning the relationship? Sex life….good…not good?? Something fishy is going on, but to what extent is hard to determine. Answer some of our questions and we’ll give you some more feedback.

  26. ok. well at least it is nice to know that i am not the only one that thinks this is weird. i have got him looking at porn sites about a month ago occasionally off and on. which is why i thought it was strange that he was looking at the dating site, except that possibly it is “real” women but they are not all that great to look at if you ask me. more of a turn off then a turn on. some have great jugs but not so great everywhere else. if you know what i mean. so i am thoroughly confused at this.

    Answers: married 12 yrs. dated 2 before
    age his 38 mine 43
    never a long distance relationship. (not sure where you got that from)
    marriage has been “on the rocks” for 5 years
    (we actually separated 2010 to 2012) sex life is good enough when we have it. he doesnt initiate and i will not have sex with him when he smells like a bar (which has been every night lately) but when we do, it still has fireworks. rock his socks off.

    i totally agree that something is fishy. the porn i can understand. but suddenly he is not looking at porn (which he never subscribe for, just uses the free sites). he stopped looking at porn when he started looking at dating sites. again. i am not sure if he clicked an ad or typed in the address himself to get it started. but now that they are sending him matches or daily pictures to his email. he sometimes checks his email 3 times a day. he still has not completed the profile and now from what i can tell,,, the pictures/profiles he is looking at are just face pictures. he hasnt gone back to the xmeeting and flirthookup that showed the nakey nasties.

    i really dont know what to think. (O and the reason i havent asked him yet is he lies to me about everything so i am just watching and waiting for enough to confront him) so right now i am just trying to understand why, what, who thing. am i over re acting to this? is it a possible problem. is he looking for something better or possibly a certain person?

  27. @MrsVain…….Let’s clarify. Just because the woman aren’t amazing doesn’t mean they don’t turn him on. It’s about variety for men rather than the hottest women. (Although, yes, both are even better.) But a lot of guys like looking at “next door” types. Average women they can actually picture themselves with……The fact that you’ve been married for a while and already had a separation, and don’t have sex that much, and he hits the bars somewhat frequently, make us wonder if he’s thinking about having sex with other women. (And not just in a fantasy way, but more reality) We don’t get the sense he’s done anything, but he seems curious, and is poking around trying not to look too suspicious. We don’t think you’re overreacting. His wheels are churning. It’s best to be one step ahead, not one step behind. Good luck.

  28. mrsvain // July 23, 2013 at 3:13 pm //

    well a few things you have said has made a lot of sense. i have looked at other posts as well and in one of them you said something about the man not being as committed to the relationship as the woman questioning. i really feel that is my case. and in this one average women he can better himself with (even if they do not look as good as i do) and his wheels are churning. yep and yep. makes me wonder why the h*ll he even came back after we separated.

    this has been going on for 3 to 4 weeks. he leaves to work before i am even out of bed so it looks like he checks his email (and matches) every morning now (he never used to check email at all) and sometimes in the evenings depending on if there is anyone in the living room where the computer is. at first i was wondering if he was “testing” me to see if i check his email (i do now but i have other ways to see what is going on with that computer {have teenagers} which is how i found out that he was looking at dating sites in the first place) but since its been a monthish and i havent said anything to him. i guess i was wrong. anyhow…whatever it is points back to he is not committed to this relationship. so to make things more interesting i went ahead and added a profile picture of him today at noon. (wondering if that was a mistake) i will guess he will see it tomorrow morning when he checks his dating sites. the ride is about to get bumpy.

  29. mrsvain // July 23, 2013 at 3:14 pm //

    **picture himself with not better himself with.

  30. @Mrsvain…..Good luck. Keep us posted.

  31. so you dont think it was a mistake? i am having serious second thoughts here. he wont see it until tomorrow morning if even then cuz he doesnt always go to the same sites. should i give him the chance to explain himself first? i havent talked to him at all about this except for saying one day that i guess he prefers blondes (i am brunette) which he just psht off. i guess i am just confused or in denial or something…

  32. @Mrsvain……You mean you putting up the picture in secret? It could have been. It certainly doesn’t ease you into the conversation if that’s what you’re looking for. It’s going to be shocking to him, and it’s going to embarrass him which could cause him to shut down or lash out. But it will also be very out in the open. Your call. FYI: He doesn’t necessarily prefer blondes. Guys prefer variety, that’s all.

  33. Hi Guys. A few days ago I found my boyfriend of 2 month’s OKC account. It was active and tagged as “responds often.” To be sure it was active I had a friend start talking to him, and sure enough he responded. The next day when I confronted him about it and told him it wasn’t cool, he tried to blow it off as just an old account, then laughed at me when I told him how it made me feel. Later I found out he had responded to my friend almost minutes after I’d left his place after the conversation. So I confronted him again (much more angrily), called his bluff, and he tried to defend himself by saying he was “just talking” and that he’d done nothing wrong. (Mind you at the start of things he got upset at me before he realized, which I use a lot, wasn’t a dating site.) So after arguing about it a bit, I dumped him. Now I’m kind of wondering … if he -was- in fact just talking with those girls … did I overreact by ending it? Thanks for your perspective. 🙂

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