Okay here it is. I’ve been with my girlfriend for two, going on three months and it’s been great. Until the other day when she said that she still has deep feelings for her ex. (He is not a good person, and it ripped my heart out when she said it.) I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest. She says she still loves me but she has to talk to him. I’m very afraid I’m going to lose her. We are still talking and every time we speak she cries and tells me she loves me.
I love her with all my heart and I don’t want to push her away, but still I don’t want to lose her either. I’m just very confused.
Some might suggest you take a tough stance, maybe give her an ultimatum. Something like, “If you go see him, I’m outta here.” But we think that would be a mistake. At least at the present time. Certainly, you don’t want to become the person she processes her feelings about her ex with. (She should do that with her girlfriends, family, or a therapist if need be.) That said, you do need to be as supportive as possible and try to understand what she’s going through.
What she’s feeling is pretty normal. If she went out with this guy for a long time, then she needs time to understand why he left, or why it ended. It takes time to for anyone to extract themselves emotionally from a relationship. And that’s what she’s saying to you. She feels torn right now. She loves you, but needs closure with her ex. Understand that your relationship of two to three months is a relatively short amount of time as far as serious relationships go, so you’re going to have to be patient with her as she works through this. Until she has more time with you to see how great you are for her, and has more time away from him so her feelings can fade, she’s going to be torn.
All that said, there are no guarantees here. There is a chance that if she sees him, and he begs her to give him another chance, she might break down and agree. If that happens, it won’t be because she doesn’t love you, it will be because she doesn’t have the resolution she needs with him. (Often times, people mistake their lack of resolution with genuine feelings.) If he’s truly not a good guy, then his true colors will shine through again, and the next time they break up it will be for good. And that will happen sooner, rather than later.
But let’s not jump the gun here.
Our advice: Keep telling her AND showing her how much you love her. (Don’t smother her of course, but make sure she understands that you want a relationship with her.) It’s okay to tell her how hard the situation is for you, but try not to make her feel guilty. Just tell her that you understand that she needs to do this, and that you’ll support her, even if it’s difficult for you.
Most likely, she’ll learn what she needs to learn when she sees him, and that will help her move on for good. But if she decides to go back with him, then you’ll know that she isn’t ready to be with you anyway. The last thing you want, is to be with a woman who secretly loves another man. That’s worse than being alone.
Good luck. Be positive. And keep your wits about you. We hope it all works out for you.
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