Hi , I’m 30 and have a 35 year old boyfriend who cheated on me about five years ago. We broke up then, and now after four years he has come back and asked to be together again. Honestly I really like him, maybe even love him without any reason!
My first question is: Can you trust a guy who has cheated once?
I took him back two months ago. He told me that he was wrong and regrets what he did. I feel that he really cares about me and likes me. I don’t feel distressed about being with him again but I do have a problem. He has a sick mother who needs to be watched and he has so many responsibilities at home and at work. He is busy and is highly masculine. I know that calling and texting is not important to guys and he has more important things to do. I accept him the way he is and I don’t care about daily calls and texts.
My second question is: Should I be worried about this? Should I do something about it? And how can I make him earn it more?
Thank you so much,
Thanks for your question.
Some people cheat because of a particular circumstance, some people cheat because they are dissatisfied in their relationship, some people cheat on only one partner but not on others, some people cheat because they have low self-esteem, some people cheat because they can, some people cheat because they like the excitement, but most people cheat because they have no respect for their partner, the relationship, and frankly, themselves.
We don’t know why your man cheated five years ago, but what you should be asking yourself is: How is he different now? Has he changed? What has he done to change? (Counselor, therapy, matured, what?)
Only by answering some of those questions can you answer your first question.
Not everyone is a serial cheater. Meaning, cheating on you doesn’t mean he’d cheat on someone else. But if he cheated on you once, then sure, he’s capable of cheating on you again. Once again, ask yourself, has anything changed between the two of you. Why did he cheat on you in the first place? What’s different now?
To your second question. Clearly, you already are worried, otherwise you wouldn’t be asking the question. What is making you worried? Are you starting to see the same issues coming up?
In general, we wonder why he’s coming back now. Is it because his mom’s sick and he’s feeling vulnerable, and he wants a woman to help him take care of her? Why now? Why not a year ago, or two years ago? Did it really take him four years to realize he loved you?
You need to communicate to him what you’re asking us. Your concerns, your fears, what you want from a relationship. He certainly should be open to talking with you about all of these things, since he should understand why you’re feeling a bit uneasy and insecure about the relationship.
But honestly, it does seem like you’re already accepting behaviors that you’re not thrilled with. Sure, maybe you say you don’t care about daily calls and texts, but, on the flip side, wouldn’t daily calls and texts make you happy? It just seems to us that you’re already starting to compromise yourself and make excuses for him. You need to stand up for yourself more, otherwise he won’t respect you, and he’ll take advantage of you, or he’ll cheat on you again. (That’s how you make him earn it, so to speak)
Overall, tread carefully. Keep your eyes open. And talk to him. There are no guarantees of course. Calling him out on issues, or making him talk about things could push him away. But honestly, if that happens, well, then you’ll know that he never had serious intentions. Your call of course.
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