Settling for FWB

Dear Guys,

I’ve been hooking up with a guy who works in my building, once or twice a week, for the last four months. In the past I always had relationships and never did casual hookups. I’ve been divorced for eight years after being married eleven years. He has been divorced for eight months after being married ten years. He’s younger than me (40 vs 46) and I’m extremely attracted to him.

Since I earn more than him, I pay when we go to dinner or out for drinks, which is usually once a week. Our agreement was to just hook up until he’s ready to start dating again. He never contacts me or replies to my texts unless he wants to hook up. I minimize calling or texting him for that reason. Also he’s somewhat aggressive during sex, but he would never seriously hurt me and he’s so hot he drives me crazy. He looks a little like Ashton Kutcher.

Lately it’s been bothering me that at any point he could find someone else and stop seeing me. I’ve tried not to get attached to him so I don’t know why it’s suddenly bothering me. Maybe it’s because my options are limited. The last time I dated anyone was 2.5 years ago and he ended up being a player and I found out he was dating two other women at the same time. I went to a counselor after that, who told me that at my age I should never expect to have a relationship again, and the only way I will ever get sex again is to have casual hookups or date a married guy.

So at this point I’m being an opportunist and getting sex while I’m still fit and attractive enough to even get that. The bottom line is I realize he’s just using me for sex and I’m okay with that because I have no other choice than to either live like a nun or have an affair with a married man.

Do you agree with this?

Julia

Julia,

No we don’t agree with this.

The first thing you might need to do is find a different counselor. Seriously. We’ve never heard of a professional counselor advising someone that they’ll never find another relationship. And on top of that telling them the only way to get sex is to hook up with a guy. That’s simply wrong on many levels.

Is it harder for an older person to meet someone?

Maybe, maybe not. But with the divorce rate as high as it is, there is a much larger pool of people in their 40s-70s who are single.

However, the particular guy you’ve chosen is most likely not interested in a relationship at this juncture. Keep in mind he’s only been divorced for 10 months. That means he’s in the “making up for lost time” stage. He’s enjoying his freedom and likely wants to play the field and keep his options wide open. And if he’s anything like most recently divorced men, he’s likely to be in this stage for quite some time.

So you have a few options.

1. Stay the course until the arrangement eventually fizzles.

2. Talk to him. Tell him that you aren’t comfortable with the situation and you’d like to be exclusive.

3. Pull back a little and let him do more of the work and see what happens. (You shouldn’t be paying for everything.)

In general, this guy is putting in minimal effort to get his needs met. Maybe you’re okay with this right now, but we think eventually this is going to eat away at your self-respect. We know it’s not easy out in the dating world, but you deserve more than a casual hookup, and we believe eventually it will happen for you if you don’t settle for less.

We wish you all the best.

THE GUYS

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4 Comments on Settling for FWB

  1. To be honest and i moght be vague when I comment. But FWB is hard. It feels so much like a romantic relationship but yet again there is no permanent love.

    Friends come and go. It messes up the heart and what if your not attached and the other person is?

    I delt with FWB with many guys before and I always ended it. I didn’t feel trapped I just felt to much love for that person.
    Example: FWb It’s like a piece of delicious chocolate you indulage in it so dam much it’s hard to stop. You don’t want to share. Greed.

    I felt like that many times. If I can’t have him then no one can.
    I want my independence I say and love, but friends seems to be a ideal. I have no one to answer to. That was not so ,eventually it ended up I had to answer to my friend who I had a sexual relationship with.

    Seriousness is not on the minds of FWB’s. I learned this the hard way.
    I was falling to fast and to qiuick then after a while I was not getting them same re actions from him.

    Married men who want FWB is a bad combo. Reaaon why is this the heart will fiddle he strings like a bad back
    country love song if you play it badly. He turns his fears into reality then wants to move on leaving the responsibilities behind.

    What I mean. is fbw may work but in mwny cases you have to work harder to keep it from falling apart.

    Good lovers are always some kind of friends. But friends aren’t always good lovers. Best thing is to be what you set out to be.

  2. @Kris….Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Good stuff.

  3. Just a follow up on this…I went with “staying the course until it fizzled” in March. The guy now has a girlfriend (apparently in her 30s) & we don’t even talk anymore. I’m going to a new counselor, who said she’s not sure if my previous counselor was correct when she said my chances for any future relationship were nil & not worth trying. She is helping me with some research to see whether or not this is actually the case.

  4. @Julia….Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the update. We’re sorry it didn’t work out, but you’re probably better off moving on. Let us know if we can help in the future. Take care and all the best.

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