My boyfriend of four years and I just got married. We had a pretty okay sex life up to the end of our honeymoon. We had a few incidents where he would ‘arrive’ before me and then while trying to satisfy me he would fall asleep. I obviously didn’t like this very much and when I voiced my opinions he felt I was attacking him and putting too much pressure on him in the bedroom. I decided to give him his space and he decided to make sure that I’m “sorted out” before we have sex every time. Now, not only has this become monotonous and boring but our whole sex life has lost its passion. And that’s when he actually feels in the mood, which is rarely these days. I don’t make the first move because I always get turned down. I just thought now that we are finally married and living together he would enjoy it much more. I’ve explained to him that women feel loved through sex too and he just doesn’t seem phased. Giving him space doesn’t make him want it more and neither does flirting.
Sex, money and kids. Those are the three most common issues for married couples. That said, you can work through this, but both of you have to be committed to working through it.
As of today, your husband is checked out. His ego is bruised and he’s feeling somewhat emasculated. For a guy there’s nothing better than being able to satisfy his woman. There’s also nothing worse than not being able to satisfy her, especially if that particular woman is his wife, someone he planned to be with his for his life. That’s a pretty daunting proposition and one he’s probably quite depressed about even if he’s pretending not to be.
But before we get into trying to solve the issue, we just want to say that this is not your fault. In a loving relationship, you should be able to voice your concerns, and he should listen and try to make adjustments. (As long as you do it in a non-accusatory way.) In fact it sounds as if that’s exactly what he’s tried to do: make adjustments, and those adjustments haven’t quite been up to snuff, which has caused him to shut down to a degree. (Not in the mood. Not phased by your statements.)
Our suggestion is that you back up and try to restart the whole process. You say that your sex life was okay up to the end of the honeymoon, so that tells us that somewhere along the way your sex life got off track. You need to figure out where it went off the rails and start there. He needs reassurance that you are attracted to him and want to have sex with him. This is about respect for him. And for guys, respect is more important than love in some ways. Meaning, if you told him that you love him and want to figure out how to make this work, that might not be that effective. But if you say something like, “I love having sex with you. You turn me on. I want you to “blank” me like you used to.” (Something along those lines. Whatever you feel comfortable with.) It’s likely he’ll respond better. His ego needs a boost. And you might need to do it repeatedly because this isn’t going to be an immediate fix. Believe it or not, some of the trust is lost, and you need to work to get that back. Hopefully, once you get the ball rolling, he’ll also work to reclaim what was lost. (One thought: You might want to have an initial conversation away from the bedroom. Maybe go out to lunch, or for a walk. Do it when you’re both happy and in a good place.)
Now, you’re probably thinking: Jeez, why do I have to be the one to stroke his ego, when he’s the one with the issue?
Our response: You’re married. You love each other. He’s shutting down. That means BOTH of you have the issue. If you need to be the facilitator in this case, then you do it. Because, marriage is hopefully for life, which means at some point down the road, the roles may be reversed.
Thoughts? Follow-up Questions? Leave in the comments section below.
All the best,
ps. We hope you’ll tell your friends about us. Thanks.