Sex Woes

Dear Guys,

My boyfriend of four years and I just got married. We had a pretty okay sex life up to the end of  our honeymoon. We had a few incidents where he would ‘arrive’ before me and then while trying to satisfy me he would fall asleep. I obviously didn’t like this very much and when I voiced my opinions he felt I was attacking him and putting too much pressure on him in the bedroom. I decided to give him his space and he decided to make sure that I’m “sorted out” before we have sex every time. Now, not only has this become monotonous and boring but our whole sex life has lost its passion. And that’s when he actually feels in the mood, which is rarely these days. I don’t make the first move because I always get turned down. I just thought now that we are finally married and living together he would enjoy it much more. I’ve explained to him that women feel loved through sex too and he just doesn’t seem phased. Giving him space doesn’t make him want it more and neither does flirting.

What now?

M

Dear M,

Sex, money and kids. Those are the three most common issues for married couples. That said, you can work through this, but both of you have to be committed to working through it.

As of today, your husband is checked out. His ego is bruised and he’s feeling somewhat emasculated. For a guy there’s nothing better than being able to satisfy his woman. There’s also nothing worse than not being able to satisfy her, especially if that particular woman is his wife, someone he planned to be with his for his life. That’s a pretty daunting proposition and one he’s probably quite depressed about even if he’s pretending not to be.

But before we get into trying to solve the issue, we just want to say that this is not your fault. In a loving relationship, you should be able to voice your concerns, and he should listen and try to make adjustments. (As long as you do it in a non-accusatory way.) In fact it sounds as if that’s exactly what he’s tried to do: make adjustments, and those adjustments haven’t quite been up to snuff, which has caused him to shut down to a degree. (Not in the mood. Not phased by your statements.)

Our suggestion is that you back up and try to restart the whole process. You say that your sex life was okay up to the end of the honeymoon, so that tells us that somewhere along the way your sex life got off track. You need to figure out where it went off the rails and start there. He needs reassurance that you are attracted to him and want to have sex with him. This is about respect for him. And for guys, respect is more important than love in some ways. Meaning, if you told him that you love him and want to figure out how to make this work, that might not be that effective. But if you say something like, “I love having sex with you. You turn me on. I want you to “blank” me like you used to.” (Something along those lines. Whatever you feel comfortable with.) It’s likely he’ll respond better. His ego needs a boost. And you might need to do it repeatedly because this isn’t going to be an immediate fix. Believe it or not, some of the trust is lost, and you need to work to get that back. Hopefully, once you get the ball rolling, he’ll also work to reclaim what was lost. (One thought: You might want to have an initial conversation away from the bedroom. Maybe go out to lunch, or for a walk. Do it when you’re both happy and in a good place.)

Now, you’re probably thinking: Jeez, why do I have to be the one to stroke his ego, when he’s the one with the issue?

Our response: You’re married. You love each other. He’s shutting down. That means BOTH of you have the issue. If you need to be the facilitator in this case, then you do it. Because, marriage is hopefully for life, which means at some point down the road, the roles may be reversed.

Thoughts? Follow-up Questions? Leave in the comments section below.

All the best,

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll tell your friends about us. Thanks.

7 Comments on Sex Woes

  1. Hi guys, I met this guy over an online dating site and he came across as a real stand up guy. He was kind, pleasant and interesting. We didn’t have sex that night but we met the day after and we did. I felt I could trust this guy and hoped there was potential but tried to keep my expectations at bay. He left the country for a month the next day and and even though I wasn’t texting, he would keep in touch and at one point even said he thought of me a lot and hoped I’d be there when he comes back. I started getting hopeful. When he came back, he said he was sick. I was busy too so I let him be. We met after a two days and we had a great date. At some point though, we were talking about something and he said since he ended his long term relationship of 6 years, whenever he meets someone he likes a lot he feels afraid of falling in love again. I simply said it’s not up to us to decide whether we fall in love or not and we laughed about it but it still bothered me later. I meant to talk to him about it when we met next and tell him that I don’t want to start anything with negativity and he should tell me what he really meant. But he started pulling out after that day. I was out of town for a few days and I assumed he needed space after realizing that he would answer sweetly to my texts but never initiates communication. I left him alone. But when I got back and still no contact from him I got angry and stopped calling or texting. It’s been 15 days and I decided that he disappeared. But he texts back now saying he had been sick and still is and silence again. I don’t believe he can be so sick that he can’t text me a line or call. I don’t know if I should believe him. What could have changed? He seemed really into me.

  2. @Eva….We’ll be answering questions via comments this Wednesday. Or you can select the Ask a Private option for a fee and we’ll answer immediately via email. You choice. Keep checking back with us.

  3. @Eva…..What changed? Most likely, he had this idea about you via online communication. But when he met you in person, something might have been missing for him. Sorry. So you might ask: Well, then why did he have sex with me? Or pretend he was way into me? We don’t have a great answer for you, just simply, that guys don’t tend to pass up sex very often. And it’s possible he wasn’t sure how he felt, so he proceeded forward only to realize that something wasn’t right. We are truly sorry. We know this is hard for you and frustrating. Hang in there. Any other questions? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends.

  4. Hey guys, I’ve recently had sex with a guy that I’d been talking to for a while now and was pleasantly surprised by his willingly to put me 1st when it came to oral. I was shocked when he revealed the size of his package though, it’s really big and I’m not used to his size, which makes sex with him very painful for me regardless of how gentle he is or position. In addition to this, so far both times we’ve had sex he finished really quickly (under 3-4 minutes quickly) he’s amazing at going down on me and has great stamina in that department but not so much in the other department. I do wanna see where this goes, but I don’t think I can continue seeing someone that can satisfy me in the bedroom. Oral is great but I still need more than that. Does that make me selfish? Is there a way for men to control their orgasm? I asked one male friend and he said sometimes it’s the “rush of sex with a new woman that makes a man finish quickly or he hasn’t had sex in a while” he even suggested that we continue sleeping together to get used to each others bodies but that sounds a bit silly to me.. is there any truth to this statement and how do we fix it?! I’m disappointed because I’m very selective on who I sleep with and after a 3.5 relationship and 1.5 yeas of no sex I went out on a whim and was disappointed.

  5. @Sarah….Well, we can’t help you with the issue of size. Most of the time, most people, fit together pretty well. However, sometimes the fit just isn’t right no matter what you do. That said, the biggest issue you have is that he’s unaware of how you feel. In fact, it’s too bad he isn’t the one asking the question. (We wish more guys would reach out to us for some guidance here.) Yes, we can help……we think. First of all, your friend is right. The rush of sex with a new woman, or if the guy hasn’t had sex for a while, can speed things up considerably. We often recommend to guys that in this situation, when they’re feeling particularly horny, they don’t leave the house loaded, if you catch our drift. We recommend that maybe they take care of themselves a few hours before they leave so they have time to recover later in the eve. Question: What position were you in when he took 3-4 minutes? (By the way, that’s pretty average. In fact, many guys might be much faster. Seriously. Some even under a minute if they’re really excited or in a position going with gravity.) What do we mean? A guy can hold it much longer if the woman is on top, that way his penis is pointing more upward and against gravity so to speak.) Your friend is right with his second statement as well. (Smart friend) Sex usually gets better after the first several times, especially if the people like one another. Things tend to slow down and people start communicating their needs more. (We’d recommend talking to him.) Another method that helps guys hold it longer is a little adult beverage. (We’re not pushing this method, but it does work a little.) The other way that will help him go longer is the starting and stopping method. Just as he feels his orgasm coming on, he pulls out, or slows down and lets it subside. Then starts up again. THe longer he does this, the longer he can go between starts and stops. If that makes sense? (This is something all guys should practice when they masturbate, but most don’t.) It’s your call on how you want to proceed. If you really like the guy, then maybe give it another go, but if not, maybe he isn’t right for you. ps. Don’t downplay a guy who’s willing to go down on you for any length of time. You might be surprised at how many aren’t, or who’ll do it because they think they have to.

  6. Thank you so much for replying! Both times I was in the doggystyle position. The first time we had sex he lasted less than 4 minutes, and the second time he lasted under 3. I never knew that was the average time since my ex would last 20-30 on average and even longer (sometimes hours) when buzzed/drunk. (don’t mean to compare them but my ex was my only other partner so he’s the only man i can compare to if that makes sense) Yes, the second time he had been drinking and he’d already told me that he wasn’t much of a drinker because it made him sleepy and tired (so i don’t think that’ll help him last) it would’ve been easy for me to assume that was the reason & brush it aside if he hadn’t finished so quickly the previous time too. When it came to my ex the only position i could ever orgasm from was from me being on top like you suggested, but this new guy is so big that i’m both intimidated and scared that it’ll hurt me. I did forget to mention one thing earlier.. the 2nd time we had sex he asked if it was okay to orgasm and I said yes. Stupid I know, but i was in so much pain and either way I was still in shock that he was even ready to orgasm after little over 2 minutes, maybe if i said no it would’ve been different. I’ll try to communicated with him, do you have any suggestions? Should i ask if it’s been a while for him or no? I just started sleeping with him so i don’t want to come across hurtful or insatiable. And no worries I’ll never downplay a man that’s willing to put me first orally. In my last relationship I never received oral but was always expected to give it, so for this guy to be as good at what he does and do it for so long is a damn near godsend.

  7. @Sarah……We wouldn’t start asking him all sorts of questions about his past, or if it’s been a while. You’ll just hurt his feelings or make him angry, or insecure. If you want to continue being with this man, just talk to him about what you want in bed. Clearly he’s a giving lover. He wants to please you. And he sounds respectful. So he’ll want to do whatever he can do to please you. And honestly, from what you say, your ex doesn’t sound like he was the most giving person in bed. And frankly, many women don’t want to be have a guy going for 20-30 minutes. (Women talk of being sore when that happens.) So it sounds like this new guy likes to orgasm when you’re in the doggy style position. So why don’t you try being on top for a bit, and then let him finish the way he wants to finish. (Don’t you have control when you’re on top. You should be able to manage.) That’s after the oral of course or whatever other foreplay. Maybe that’s the balance you’re looking for. Remember, so much of sex has to do with the emotional connection. In the end, you have to be into him for it to be good. Any other questions?

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