Good Day. It's Tuesday, July 14.
Today features our "Question/Answer" segment.
(The names have been changed out of respect for privacy.)
My name is Jane. I will be 30 years old in September. I
have one question.
I'm in a long term relationship with my live in boyfriend. We've
been together 8 years and 4 months and 8 days. We plan to get married next year. But I have one question. Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this man? Greg is his name.
He has "habits" and I don't. That's all I can say.
I have issues trusting men because I was abused as a
young teen. I'm not
perfect. I'm very insecure about the way I look inside and outside. I just want
to know how to get past that.
I need help very much and that's all I can say right now because I
have a hard time trusting anyone in my life including family, friends and my
boyfriend. I don't know what to do with all this? I don't understand.
Please give me good
advice on this.
Thanks for writing. You have asked some very serious
questions. We will give our opinion on your situation, but that’s all we can
offer really. This might be beyond our scope.
After giving this a lot of thought, we feel that you may
want to wait to get married until you have resolved some of these issues. Or at
least until you feel like you can trust the man you’re going to spend your life
with. Trust is the foundation for any relationship. If you’re not feeling this
way you need to figure out why.
Have you gone to see someone about your childhood abuse? If
not, we highly recommend that you seek a professional that can help you work
through some of your experiences. Children who have been abused often have
trouble trusting people in general, even the people they are the closest with.
So please consider this course of action. We also recommend that any type of therapy you do, you do by yourself, and not with your fiance. If you’re not
comfortable with yourself and who you are inside and out, you’ll have a very
difficult time being comfortable with someone else.
In addition, if you are serious about Greg, then the two of
you might also want to consider seeking couples counseling and go together
to work through some of your collective issues. Not only your issues of trust and doubt,
but also his “habits.” You weren’t specific about what the habits are, but
since you mentioned them, we assume they are bothering you enough to doubt
whether he’s the right guy for you. This counseling is separate from what we’re
recommending for you individually. We think you might want to consider doing both. However, working on your own issues would be first and foremost in our minds.
We hope this is making sense.
If you’re worried that you’re approaching 30 and still not married, put that out of your mind. Don’t get married just because you think you
should. Get married because you love your partner and you want to spend your
life with him. If Greg is the man for you, you’ll know. But you need to get a
lot of questions answered first.
Also, many health insurance companies help pay for professional services such as we are describing. If you decide to look into this, you should contact your insurance company and inquire.
We wish you the best in figuring this out. Please keep us informed. And take care.
Tomorrow: The next edition of "HOT or NOT?" (Changed from Thursdays to Wednesdays)