I cheated on my now fiance almost a year ago, only once and it’s starting to kill me. I wake up depressed and he knows I’m all weird. I don’t want to lose him; I don’t think I’d survive without him. I’m not sure whether to tell him what happened. If I did he could forgive me because we are close, but at the same time he could kick me out and I’d lose the most important thing in my life.
We can understand why you’re so upset. You made a mistake and you’re terribly sorry for it. You’re also stuck with the residue of your actions, and the worry, that your actions could possibly alter your relationship, or possibly worse, end it. We’re very sorry. We know you must be in a lot of pain. That said, this has to be your decision. We’ll try to help you figure out your best course of action by giving you the pros and cons of each potential decision.
Obviously, this is eating away at you. Have you read “Crime and Punishment?” Raskolnikov, the main character, commits a crime and gets away with it; however, as the days go by, he is racked by guilt, and by the fear of getting caught. Finally, in the end, he confesses. We use this example because this really comes down to you. Can you live with this secret? Can you live with the possibility that your fiance might find out the truth at some point?
You have two courses of action. Tell the Truth or Keep it a Secret. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each.
1. You confess
-You share the burden you’ve been carrying around for over a year with the person you love the most.
-Coming clean allows you to be in a honest relationship, one where there are no secrets—besides benign secrets like silly fantasies and such—and where both people can be open and honest.
-It empowers your boyfriend and allows him to evaluate you for who you really are, rather than who he thinks you are.
-Your honesty creates an opportunity for deeper dialogue that could possibly make your relationship stronger if you get through it, and take it to a new level.
-Sharing your secret injects turmoil and conflict into your relationship.
-Your boyfriend may decide that he can’t deal with the fact that you cheated on him and kept the truth from him, and break up with you.
-Your boyfriend might stay with you but never fully trust you again. Which means your relationship might never be the same.
2. You Don’t Confess
-Your boyfriend never finds out and things proceed with him unaware and you aware.
-Your boyfriend isn’t hurt by learning the truth.
-Your guilt continues to consume you until you can’t take it anymore and confess.
-Your boyfriend ends up finding out, and now he’s forced to deal with the fact that, not only did you cheat on him, but you lied to him, or at least kept the truth from him for a long period of time. At which point, your relationship will absolutely be altered forever.
-He never finds out, but your secret affects how you view yourself, and affects your self-esteem. You continue to beat yourself up and “act all weird” as your boyfriend describes you now.
So what do you think? There are probably a few other pros and cons, but these should give you some things to percolate on.
In conclusion, every relationship is different. Some couples would not be able to survive this type of betrayal and others would be able to grow from it. You’re going to have to make that call. We hope it works out for you. It sounds like you have a great guy and a pretty solid relationship.
Please keep us posted. And leave us a comment below if you have other thoughts or want to ask follow-up questions.
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