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Should I tell my fiance I cheated on him?

Dear Guys,

I cheated on my now fiance almost a year ago, only once and it’s starting to kill me. I wake up depressed and he knows I’m all weird. I don’t want to lose him; I don’t think I’d survive without him. I’m not sure whether to tell him what happened. If I did he could forgive me because we are close, but at the same time he could kick me out and I’d lose the most important thing in my life.

Help,

H

Dear H,

We can understand why you’re so upset. You made a mistake and you’re terribly sorry for it. You’re also stuck with the residue of your actions, and the worry, that your actions could possibly alter your relationship, or possibly worse, end it. We’re very sorry. We know you must be in a lot of pain. That said, this has to be your decision. We’ll try to help you figure out your best course of action by giving you the pros and cons of each potential decision.

Obviously, this is eating away at you. Have you read “Crime and Punishment?” Raskolnikov, the main character, commits a crime and gets away with it; however, as the days go by, he is racked by guilt, and by the fear of getting caught. Finally, in the end, he confesses. We use this example because this really comes down to you. Can you live with this secret? Can you live with the possibility that your fiance might find out the truth at some point?

______________________

You have two courses of action. Tell the Truth or Keep it a Secret. Let’s look at the pros and cons of each.

1. You confess

Pros:

-You share the burden you’ve been carrying around for over a year with the person you love the most.

-Coming clean allows you to be in a honest relationship, one where there are no secrets—besides benign secrets like silly fantasies and such—and where both people can be open and honest.

-It empowers your boyfriend and allows him to evaluate you for who you really are, rather than who he thinks you are.

-Your honesty creates an opportunity for deeper dialogue that could possibly make your relationship stronger if you get through it, and take it to a new level.

Cons: 

-Sharing your secret injects turmoil and conflict into your relationship.

-Your boyfriend may decide that he can’t deal with the fact that you cheated on him and kept the truth from him, and break up with you.

-Your boyfriend might stay with you but never fully trust you again. Which means your relationship might never be the same.

2. You Don’t Confess

Pros

-Your boyfriend never finds out and things proceed with him unaware and you aware.

-Your boyfriend isn’t hurt by learning the truth.

Cons

-Your guilt continues to consume you until you can’t take it anymore and confess.

-Your boyfriend ends up finding out, and now he’s forced to deal with the fact that, not only did you cheat on him, but you lied to him, or at least kept the truth from him for a long period of time. At which point, your relationship will absolutely be altered forever.

-He never finds out, but your secret affects how you view yourself, and affects your self-esteem. You continue to beat yourself up and “act all weird” as your boyfriend describes you now.

_____________________

So what do you think? There are probably a few other pros and cons, but these should give you some things to percolate on.

In conclusion, every relationship is different. Some couples would not be able to survive this type of betrayal and others would be able to grow from it. You’re going to have to make that call. We hope it works out for you. It sounds like you have a great guy and a pretty solid relationship.

Please keep us posted. And leave us a comment below if you have other thoughts or want to ask follow-up questions.

Take Care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please tell your friends about us. Thanks!

Read More: Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about Cheating

8 Comments on Should I tell my fiance I cheated on him?

  1. hello..
    i really need ur help i was in a ldr vth a guy fr 4yrs..he initially broke up vth me ..becoz he was scared if he cud convince his parents or nt regarding our relation.later around 6 mnths later..he confessed dat he was cheating on me..vth a girl in his clg..which eventually broke up …i decided to gv hm a chance…so he was lyk il b serious n v wer together till the tym v broke up.v usd to meet once in a mnth at tyms twice..sumtyms in 2mnths..phone chatting usd to go okay ..skyping at tyms..bt after 2n half yr later he was lyk i cant b vth u…ua nt of my type..lets break up….till den i usd to ask hm many tymz r u happy vth the relation…we vl change to make it better if u feel anythn is wrong…he usd to tell no nthn lyk..dat im quite happy..im selfish i cant loose a girl lyk u …den nw he bumps lyk dis…i askd y did u say lyk dat pvsly..he was lyk ya..becoz i cudnt hurt u!ur better off as a wife dan a gf!i need a gf!he usd to always say this wen v wer together …bt he usd to tell ua my wife. .datz all…
    the most shockn part is..he was cheating vth da second tym vth his jnr ..my frnds found out afta da brk up…i was devastated…it was the same person who told who wud nt leave me..
    nw he is commited to dat jnr..hez dedicated n stuff itseems…hez shwn full pda..im unable to take it..at all..ive gvn my 100% n neva cheated infact neva thought abt anyone in his place…ita lyk wat mistake did i do…i need help…will he be vth her?

  2. @Pandu…….We are sorry. It’s very difficult to deal with betrayal from the person you love. A one time indiscretion could be thought of as bad judgement or a big mistake, but more than once shows a pattern. We can’t speak to their relationship but we can say it’s more than likely he’ll cheat on her too. Probably, as long as he can get away with it. Would you really take him back knowing that he’ll probably cheat on you again? You deserve a guy who’s going to treat you with respect. What do you think?

  3. Thank u so much fr the response..i dnt knw its gettn soo tough to cme out…thank u fr the response..though..
    Thng is i dnt beleive in breaking relations..i neva prefer to frm if they r meant to b broken!dat is the reason

  4. @Pandu…..You’re welcome. We wish you all the best. Take care.

  5. hello again…
    can u help me..its really getting tough on me to move on frm my ex!i mean im unable to stop myself frm stalking hm…hez putting pics on fb vth her n stuff ..he usd to neva do dat vth me..hez seeming soo sweet to her…wat did i do dat im nt gettn dt tmt..i ws soo sincere n loyal to hm evn though i was in an ldr..he usd to flirt vth grls..itseems..i feeln lyk dying…dat gal is much more trendy and cool dan me..he in the last told..im perfect as a wife than gf!im havn my xam day afta tmrw im unable to conc…he was my first love n its soo devastating to c hm gvn soo much of imp to dat grl..he was lyk ua nt of my type..im nt happy…i told u i always wantd a grl who wud have a beer vth me..my wife to b trendy n stuff ..i us to tell hm they r materialistic …they g temp enjoyment..bt no…i really am nt undrstandn wat to do he seems soo dedicated to her ..i think on the graduation daye introduced her to his parents..its like wen i luk at her i feel she won a prizoe

  6. Do guys change ..i mean he gt commited to her lyk a mnth or so afta v broke up…n has been hanging on to her behind my back since 1yr..by the tym he wa commited to her..i was wailing n nt in a state to accept dat hez actually gone n no more in my life..hw cud he move on soo fast

  7. @Pandu…..We’re really sorry. We’re not sure what we can say here. Have you tried talking with him at least to get an explanation?

  8. Ive nt talkd to hm…afta one very harsh verbal spat in the last!he was telln i can gv 10 reasons ..ua nt posh..trendy..u dnt drink..mney ..status..n all!this was da last reply hez gvn me..i cudnt talk to hm…i was way too shockd vth dat reply!y do guys behave lyk dis is nt jus gettn into my brain..20 days befre break up..he was lyk ua my wrld i cant affrd to loose n then he says this!i dnt want u ..ua nt of my type!wen i askd wer u involved vth another grl..he denied he wad swearing on his parents!bt the truth is sumwat diff…becoz the source frm which i gt da news was a person who was very close to hm n dat gal too..i gt info frm 4 such sources…does this happn in ldrz?becoz i usd to make sure that v cnstantly remain in touch…i usd to cme jus to meet hm n he usd to neva turn up…multiple tyms hez done this..he jus was beating around the bush ..i dnt knw fr wat..he says he was nt sure…i jus cudnt take..it..becoz he was gvn promises at da same tym..the wrst part..im quite sure is dat ..at one pt. He was vth me n dat grl too at da same tym..y does he hav to cheat n fiddle lyk dat..he us to always scold me..bt still i bent my hea dwn..becoz i beleived its nt perfections bt imperfections whch keep ppl together…its bad!

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