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Should I wait for him?

Axe Angel

Dear Guys,

August of last year I had the pleasure of getting to know a guy who worked closely with me. We went on a few dates and had an amazing time. Soon we started dating and a few weeks later we slept together. He’d occasionally bring up his ex, mostly hateful things. He told me that they were together for five years and engaged for one. They broke up in May after he found out she was cheating on him.

He and I had a lot of great times. He was basically making me fall in love with him. Then we broke up in December. He said it was because he wasn’t over his ex and that I deserved to date someone who could love me like I deserved to be loved. It’s March, three months after we broke up. He does contact me occasionally to see what I’m up to. He slept on my couch a few nights ago, the first time I’ve actually seen him since December. My question is, should I wait for him? I am absolutely prepared to wait for him, but I don’t know of it’s something he’d want me to do.

Thanks so much guys,

Courtney

Dear Courtney,

The question isn’t what he’d want you to do, the question is, what is really going on here? And we’re going to be honest with you here because we think you need that. But please understand that our comments are coming from a supportive place.

We don’t doubt the two of you had good times together, and we’re sure he cares for you, but he’s clearly still not over his ex, even if he wants to be. Which means, this is a rebound relationship for him, one that’s helping him with his pain while he sorts out his feelings. He’s basically using you for emotional support and leaning on you for comfort and sex.

We respect that he was honest with you. He could see that you were falling for him, and for a while that made him feel whole again, but in the end, he realized he wasn’t being fair to you. We’re sorry to say this, but he’s not in love with you. He’s in love with his ex. The more hateful things he says about her, the more that should tell you how strong his feelings are for her. And if we were betting men, we wouldn’t be surprised, that if she wanted to get back together with him, he would do just that.

You do realize that the reason he still contacts you, is not to see how you are doing, it’s to see if you’re still open to him. It’s a way of keeping you in the fold, in case he decides he wants you back. But ask yourself this question: Do you want a guy who “settles” for you, or do you want a guy who thinks he’s the luckiest guy in the world to have found you?

Honestly, we know you love this guy, but we don’t think this is a healthy situation for you. He shouldn’t be contacting you, or sleeping at your place. You need to sit him down and have a heart-to-heart conversation with him. You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel, and then ask him to be completely honest with you about how he feels. If he’s at all wishy-washy or uncertain, that should tell you everything you need to know.

You know Courtney, he’s right. You do deserve to be with a guy who loves you the way you love him. We just don’t think he’s the guy.

Let us know if you have any follow up questions/thoughts. Leave them in the comments’ section below.

We wish you all the best.

THE GUYS

ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

6 Comments on Should I wait for him?

  1. My boyfriend and I are quite young, early 20s, and have been together for 2 years. He leaves tomorrow to move to the UK for at least 6 months and I’ve had quite an emotional week. He’s told me to think of it as a pause on our relationship and that he really does hope that we reconnect in the future.

    He’s always said he wants to move in with me and sees a future with me but says he needs to find himself. I guess we are young and need to do life without one another. I ultimately do want him in my life, I think we are meant to be, I’m just not sure whether to stick to my guns and wait and be supportive, or cut contact and try to move on and find someone else.

  2. @Jacks…..We understand. Only you can answer that. What does your gut tell you? Keep in mind a few things. When a guy says he wants to find himself, what he’s saying is that he wants to be free to do what he wants to do. In his case, he’s going to be exploring new things, dating other women and coming and going as he pleases. In these types of cases, when one person leaves to go travel or explore, it’s much easier on the person leaving. For him, everything will be new and exciting. You on the other hand, are right where you’ve always been. We’d suggest you do some exploring of your own. Do some things you’ve always wanted to do, learn something new, go back to school, take a class, meet new people, be open to new possibilities. What do you think? Question: Why is he moving? Have you had issues in your relationship?

  3. Thanks for replying so quickly!

    He’s moving because he’s just graduated and wanted to challenge himself. He currently works in a junior position in Sydney (where I live) and is hoping to relocate for 6 months at the company’s UK office.

    We have indeed broken up earlier this year and it’s been a bit rocky, but we keep coming back together and not able to truly give each other space. I think this is why he wants to challenge himself and move countries. It’s hesrtbreaking for me, but for him I think he genuinely just wants to try and see if I’m the one for him. He’s said this before time and time again, that he’s almost sure I’m the one, but he needed to figure this out. We are really young, it’s just hard to let go…

  4. @Jacks…..How young are you guys? Honestly, what we suggest is that you treat this as if you’re the one leaving. Meaning, mix things up a bit. Do some exploration. Inner exploration. Outer exploration. Travel a little. Etc. (See our list below) The point is, don’t sit around waiting for him to figure things out. Take control of your own life/destiny. If you’re meant to be together you’ll find each other again. That said, this space also should give you time to figure out if he’s the right guy for you. Do you see? Right now you’re giving him all the control. He’s going away to figure things out. Well, what about you? You said the relationship was rocky. What do you mean? Why was it rocky? You need to take a look at that. Sometimes people keep coming back to each other out of habit. You want to make sure that’s not what’s happening, that it’s out of love that you’re coming back together. What do you think?

  5. We are both 22. And you’re right, I need to also think about whether he’s right for me. Right now, I believe he’s the one but I honestly need a good look at the situation and space away from him to truly determine what’s right for me.

    A lot of my friends want me to go out and meet new guys and sleep around but I want this time to be something of self discovery. There’s no determined return date for him, it’s all dependent on his position and his job, so it makes perfect sense to really just focus on myself and my own career and health.

    Thanks once again, you guys gave me a glimmer of hope that I’m going to be okay. I saw him for the last time tonight and he was very emotional as well. He also said that if it’s mesnt to be, it’s mesnt to be and whether we do get back together or we find new people, 2016 and 2017 were out years and we had something truly special.

  6. @Jacks……You’ve got a good head on your shoulders. We like your plan. We wish you all the best. Keep us posted…..ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about our site. Thanks.

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