Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

Another question about dating a guy from a different country: 

International long distance relationship; is it possible? 

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Dear Guys,

I feel hopeless and ashamed to talk to my girlfriends so I need The Guys help…..

I have dated my current boyfriend for five years and eight months to be exact. I found out he cheated on me with over five prostitutes three years ago. He swore he wouldn’t do it again and since I was stupid and love him, I trusted him again. We’ve been doing a long distance relationship (because of work) since Aug 2009 (6 months after I found out he cheated) and we meet once a year for about three weeks usually.

I used to think we had a good long-distance relationship going even after he cheated because we talked on the phone a couple times a day. (Basically I know his routines and friends even though it’s long distance.)

I flew over and met him again last week, just to find out that he constantly has been visiting dating sites and still checking online postings for random sex. He said it was because he was lonely but he did not do anything. He says he was just curious to check out their pictures. He also has an interest in having intimacy with same sex. Sounds terrible heh…. but I can’t let go because I’ve been so emotionally attached to him. We plan to get married in August of next year and I plan on moving back to his country next January. I don’t know what to do… I feel hopeless. And maybe only you guys and God can help.

He said he would do anything to rebuild the trust (e.g. he would go to church with me, go to counseling, give me his bank account etc) But I feel that it’s really hard to trust him again. What should I do? If your advice is for me to leave him, please teach me how to let go……

Million thanks,
Kay

Dear Kay,

We’re really sorry you’re going through a difficult time. But please don’t feel ashamed. You’re not the first or the last to go through this kind of thing. Many people deal with trust issues in their relationships.

Long distance relationships are difficult and can put a strain on even the strongest of bonds. The fact that you only see each other three weeks out of the year, means there are more weeks than not, that the two of you are alone. We understand that he might have some physical needs, but if he truly was committed to you, he would figure out how to fulfill those needs without seeking out the company of other women, especially prostitutes. (That could be a health risk to you as well.)

Let’s take it a step further. What happens when the two of you get married, and let’s say you have a baby together? All of a sudden you’re busy, tired, and he’s not getting what he needs as often. Is he going to start hooking up with other women then? It’s a red-flag that when the going is tough he resorts to this kind of behavior. Because as you know, relationships have a lot of “ups” but they also have a lot of “downs.”

It’s clear that you love this man, but do you think you could trust him if the two of you got married? Because you’re going to be even more miserable if you get married and then realize you still can’t trust him. You don’t want to live your life constantly worried that your spouse is cheating on you, or that he might cheat on you.

So we advise you to think long and hard before you decide to get married to this man. We can’t and won’t tell you what you should do—only you can figure that out. But there are some important issues to figure out here. Think about what you want, and what you can handle, and then go from there.

So what do you think? Leave us a comment, and feel free to ask us a follow up question.

Hang in there,

THE GUYS

ps. Check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page. You might enjoy Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (Use PayPal button on any page of our site) Thanks!

 

3 Comments on Soon to be husband cheated; what do I do?

  1. Absolutely agree about the trust issue. He’s proven , several times, his trust worthiness, or lack thereof.
    Yes you’re emotionally entangled. Its painful to break off, period. But its doable, and gets less painful with time.
    Also better to limit the turmoil to yourself only, not the darling you and he would happen to bring in to the world. Double pain.

  2. Hi,lack of trust and the craziness it creates is what my questions about…my boyfriend cheated recently when we were going thru a bad patch,he slept with a much much older lady,our soon to be next door neighbour in fact,and i just can’t get over it.I never thought of her as a threat,and he did it the night we spoke and made plans to get back together.I believe he only owned up cos he knew she wouldn’t be able to resist telling me,and i was due back the next day.He also admitted another fling he’d had with someone he’d cheated on me before with.This sounds bad…even worse,we have a child together.He travels frequently and when he’s gone ,my paranoia has been getting worse.I spend my time imagining what he’s up to and accusing him of stuff,when i should be having fun with my child.The effort it takes to keep a smile on my face and pretend i’m ok for the childs sake is wearing me out.I think i should finish it,but its hard,he phones me 3 times a day,and i have no family near for support,so i tend to turn to him.Please,help,a guys perspective would help.Thanks.

  3. @Ani….We’re sorry. Betrayal is very difficult to deal with and get over. First of all your neighbor is not a threat. Yes, she did a bad thing and also betrayed you, but this is all on your boyfriend. And this seems to be a consistent pattern with him. What he’s doing is keeping you locked down emotionally while he’s out doing whatever he wants to do. There’s no incentive for him to want this to change. All of it has to come from you. We’ll reassure you that it’s normal to still care for the person who’s cheating on you even if you are devastated by their behavior. The two of you need some help trying to resolve these problems you’re having because his cheating is a symptom of something larger. The key is to figure that out, and a professional counselor, therapist can help with that. Couples counselor perhaps. We’ll offer some more ideas once we hear your thoughts, but the bottom line is: You need to figure out what you want. Do you want to try to salvage the relationship or do you want to try to move on? We can’t answer that for you. If you do want to move on, then you need loving people around you. Right now you’re isolated, so that’s something to keep in mind. So what are your thoughts? Ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And keep us posted as this progresses. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it.

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