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Soon to be mom

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Last week’s questions:

Long distance guy; is he worth it?

Can this grow into something more?

Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

This week’s questions:

Confused by my marine

What’s his problem?

Listen to our latest podcast:

Episode 35: Memorable moments from the first 34 episodes!

 

Dear Guys,

I’ve been dating the future father of my child for about 6 months. I recently found out that I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I told him and he is excited but full of worry because he isn’t working. We don’t live together but I am concerned that he’s not looking for work as much as I feel he should be. I also can’t seem to tell how he’s feeling lately since I’ve shared the big news. I’m not sure what to do: if I should back off of the relationship and hope that he comes around or share with him how I feel and hope he understands? I want to get married and have a family, however, he says he may not be ready for another year and a half??? Like what is that about? I’m 30 and he’s 33, so clearly we aren’t kids and this isn’t rocket science. I feel like I should distance myself from him to prevent from being hurt. Please advise!!!

Keisha

Dear Keisha,

Thanks for writing to us. And congratulations on your baby news! This is a very exciting time for you.

Hopefully your guy is also excited about the news. It’s not everyday a guy becomes a father for the first time, and so it’s normal for him to feel a bit scared, especially since this was a bit of a surprise, and the fact that he’s not working. A guy likes to feel needed, and one of the ways he does this is by providing for his family. The fact that he doesn’t have a job could cause him to withdraw because he feels inadequate. These feelings of inadequacy could also cause him to shut down, and thus feel paralyzed. (Another reason he’s not looking for a job as hard as you’d like.) However, in the end these are all excuses, and hopefully he’ll snap out of it, and kick himself into gear.

But we don’t think you should withdraw or distance yourself. You say you want to get married, so we’re assuming you want to get married specifically to the father of your child. If so, you need to talk to him and tell him what you need. This is all new territory for him, and it sounds like he might need some support as he comes to terms with the exciting, but scary life that lies ahead for him. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need. Have him tell you what’s going on for him. Work on this together, not apart.

Remember what you want ultimately Keisha, and keep your eye on that. The ideal situation is to be married to this man, and raise your baby together. If that’s the case, you need to do everything you can to facilitate this. If he still doesn’t step up to the plate, then you’ll need to reevaluate, but it’s too soon to go down that road. Don’t give up on him yet just to avoid being hurt. Because remember it’s better for your child if you AND your man are raising him or her together.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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3 Comments on Soon to be mom

  1. I like what the Guys have said here, but I have to kind of disagree with one thing–I think the ideal situation is to be married to someone who is responsible and mature, and anxious to provide for his wife and baby the best way he possibly can. This may, or may not, be your guy. I hope that it is, if that is what you want. I hope he comes around and gets a job. Good luck!

  2. Hello boys,

    Help! Pregnant & dumped!!

    I was seeing a guy for 6 months, a great guy who I’d sit and talk for hours with, a guy who said he fancied me, had never met anyone like me, told me I calmed him, a guy who would text from morning until night…but a guy who would blow a little hot and cold (he’s 41 with 2 young boys, I’m 36 without children…yet)

    All of a sudden, he decides to call it a day. Says he loves spending time with me, fancies me, but there’s something missing…a few weeks later, I discover I’m pregnant.

    Long story short, he initially reacts quite well, then starts really pushing for me to have an abortion. He initially says he couldn’t not be part of the child’s life, 2 weeks later he tells me if I have the child he will never ever have anything to do with it or me. He’s started seeing someone else (fast mover huh!) and on the day we went for an abortion consultation…she was at his house that night. The weekend before he’d booked an abortion appointment for me, he refuses to take my calls all weekend (despite asking me to clear my plans so we could spend the weekend discussing what would happen) and spends the weekend with this new girl.

    I didn’t go to meet him at the abortion clinic, I couldn’t, he sent some pathetic text about how the situation was making him feel poorly and I haven’t heard a thing from him since.

    Is this shock & he’ll come round? Can he be serious about this new girl while I’m 10 weeks pregnant? Can he really have just blocked the whole situation out & mean it when he says that the child doesn’t exist to him??

    Oddly, the pair of us have never fallen out. When I told him I was pregnant he told me he still thought I was a wonderful person, his best friend.

    Am I dealing with a seriously deluded psycho? A man in panic? Or a cold hearted womaniser here???

    All thoughts & help welcome xx

  3. @Claire……First of all, please don’t do anything rash when it comes to your baby. We’re not telling you what to do, just, don’t do anything because you feel pressured, or because you think this guy will come back to you. Right now, you have two issues on your plate. 1. Your baby. 2. This guy, the father. Sure they’re connected, but each requires independent thought. His threats about leaving you if you have this baby don’t make sense. He already left before you knew you were pregnant, right? Which means he’s using the baby as leverage, which in our minds is a huge red-flag. What’s going on is he’s not ready for a serious relationship, and certainly not ready to have another child. And so he’s freaking out. And well, he should; this is a big deal. But we hope he gets through his initial reaction and moves towards doing the right thing. Which in our minds is talking with you about the issue at hand, and trying to come up with the best solution together. That said, we don’t see this pregnancy as being the event that brings you together. He’s not ready for any of this. But that doesn’t mean you can’t plan for the baby yourself. Maybe it’s not quite what you planned, but there was a reason you couldn’t go to the abortion clinic. Do some soul searching. And trust your gut. You’ll figure this out. Thoughts? feel free to treat this as a conversation. Respond to us here in the comments section and we’ll get back to you. Thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it.

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