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I’ve been dating the future father of my child for about 6 months. I recently found out that I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I told him and he is excited but full of worry because he isn’t working. We don’t live together but I am concerned that he’s not looking for work as much as I feel he should be. I also can’t seem to tell how he’s feeling lately since I’ve shared the big news. I’m not sure what to do: if I should back off of the relationship and hope that he comes around or share with him how I feel and hope he understands? I want to get married and have a family, however, he says he may not be ready for another year and a half??? Like what is that about? I’m 30 and he’s 33, so clearly we aren’t kids and this isn’t rocket science. I feel like I should distance myself from him to prevent from being hurt. Please advise!!!
Thanks for writing to us. And congratulations on your baby news! This is a very exciting time for you.
Hopefully your guy is also excited about the news. It’s not everyday a guy becomes a father for the first time, and so it’s normal for him to feel a bit scared, especially since this was a bit of a surprise, and the fact that he’s not working. A guy likes to feel needed, and one of the ways he does this is by providing for his family. The fact that he doesn’t have a job could cause him to withdraw because he feels inadequate. These feelings of inadequacy could also cause him to shut down, and thus feel paralyzed. (Another reason he’s not looking for a job as hard as you’d like.) However, in the end these are all excuses, and hopefully he’ll snap out of it, and kick himself into gear.
But we don’t think you should withdraw or distance yourself. You say you want to get married, so we’re assuming you want to get married specifically to the father of your child. If so, you need to talk to him and tell him what you need. This is all new territory for him, and it sounds like he might need some support as he comes to terms with the exciting, but scary life that lies ahead for him. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Tell him what you need. Have him tell you what’s going on for him. Work on this together, not apart.
Remember what you want ultimately Keisha, and keep your eye on that. The ideal situation is to be married to this man, and raise your baby together. If that’s the case, you need to do everything you can to facilitate this. If he still doesn’t step up to the plate, then you’ll need to reevaluate, but it’s too soon to go down that road. Don’t give up on him yet just to avoid being hurt. Because remember it’s better for your child if you AND your man are raising him or her together.
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