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Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

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Hi Guys,

I just finished university this year and a guy who I had a class with in first semester (Sept-Dec) started messaging me out of the blue back in April just “to say hi.” I was really surprised to hear from him because it was so random, but I did respond and we continued to chat via Facebook until about June. We kept trying to make plans but all the work at the end of the semester it was too much for either of us to get together!

He had a big get together with a lot of his friends on the night of our convocation and he invited me to come out for it. There was a lot of people there but we ended up sitting by ourselves chatting. He also introduced me to his friends when they came over to talk with us. He was supposed to be going away for a month shortly after graduating and while he was gone I was leaving for another two months to travel. Because of that, even though I was interested in him, I didn’t think anything substantial would really develop between us. We have really good chemistry and we had a really fun night and ended up hooking up, which I of course now totally regret.

As it turned out, he ended up breaking his leg and he wasn’t able to go away. So because he didn’t end up leaving he continued to call/text me to hang out. I wasn’t always able to (so I wasn’t always available) and he was pretty consistent and I guess we fell into some sort of ‘friends with benefits’ relationship without me really thinking about what I really wanted. I figured that while I was traveling we would just lose contact.

Just before I left, he texted me that he would miss spending time with me and that he really enjoyed seeing me, which I really appreciated, and I told him that I’d miss him too. While I was gone we still stayed in touch through email and Facebook, which was really nice. We were both pretty consistent about staying in contact.

I came back almost three weeks ago and as soon as he knew I was back he messaged, texted, and called me immediately! I wasn’t sure what kind of relationship I wanted with him—FWB, boyfriend or just platonic—and I did want to talk to him about that, but I was kind of afraid to because I do remember in a conversation we had once he mentioned that he wasn’t sure if he was good boyfriend material. He does confide a lot of very personal info with me and that came up in passing. So at any rate, I haven’t had that conversation with him as of yet. Since I’ve been back we’ve been in pretty regular contact but it feels different, more complacent now. He doesn’t call as much and he tends to stick with texting.

He’s doing his PhD at the moment so he’s pretty swamped with school and he’s not going out as much as he was in the summer. But recently he did go to an event that he told me about but didn’t invite me to. It wasn’t something where tickets had to be bought well in advance because he was trying to get an extra ticket for one of his friends on the day of. I know he’s pretty good friends with his best friend’s girlfriend and sometimes he’ll hang out with her. (I’m quite positive they have a platonic relationship – he’s very loyal to his guy friends so I don’t think there’s intimacy between him and this other girl – she’s crazy about her boyfriend.) So I think in part he might not have asked me to go with him because he might have been going with her already.

I don’t usually initiate getting together with him because he usually does the initiating but since I’ve been back I’ve only seen him twice despite still at least texting each other almost every day. And the last time I hung out with him I initiated the get together. And it was because I’m in the process of moving and I needed a place to crash, and he said I could stay with him. But that night when I was staying with him I was beginning to wonder if he was going to get bored with our relationship and it would fizzle out. I usually just go to his place and hang out with him there when I do see him. So in that regard he isn’t putting as much effort in anymore.

Two friends and I are having a joint birthday party in a couple weeks and so of course I sent out a FB invite to him for the event. (A lot of people are invited, so it is pretty casual.) He said (via text) that it sounded like a night not to be missed.(Implying that he would attend.) But on the FB RSVP he still hasn’t responded and I’m wondering if he is not wanting to commit, or if he’s waiting for something better. I know he’s been online and he knows about the event but hasn’t responded.

So… I’m confused. He seems to be interested in me, he continues to be in contact with me, I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else on the side. (I can pretty much come over when I want, so long as he’s not in class.) And I know he cares about me—he’s told me, and he’s very affectionate with me; he kisses me repeatedly on the forehead & cheek when we’re lying in bed together; and he will hold my hand in public. But on the other hand, I almost wonder if he’s keeping me in the shadows of his life. I’ve only been back a few weeks and I don’t think I’ve given us enough time to really assess the nature of our relationship, especially considering he’s doing his PhD, and I do know he’s swamped. But things are different than before.

What should I make of him?? I’m trying to just let him chase me but at the same time I wonder if he’s bored. If he’s bored wouldn’t he just stop contact completely?

Thanks!

Alice

Dear Alice,

Thanks for your note.

We don’t think the question is whether or not he’s bored. Guys don’t get bored from hanging out and having sex. In fact, a guy could easily stay in a “hang out and have sex” type of relationship for years, especially if he was busy with his career or studies. The problem with this type of arrangement—or we should say, one of the many problems with this type of arrangement—is that it typically never goes anywhere. The guy gets lazier and lazier over time, and starts making less effort to do more than the status quo, and consequently the woman gets more and more frustrated and confused. Eventually it kind of just fizzles away.

Don’t panic yet, Alice. Your situation hasn’t reached these proportions, but it’s headed there fast. We’re sure you’ve read these books that lay out certain rules that women and men should follow when starting a relationship. And while they certainly apply in some cases, each situation is different. In your case, the time to let him do the pursuing is over. You’ve known him over a year, been “hanging out” with him over six months, and you’re still in the exact same place, except now you want to know what’s going on. Well, we can’t blame you.

It’s time to have THE CONVERSATION. Yes, the dreaded conversation that defines what you have together. As uncomfortable as this may be, you need to get some answers from him, otherwise this situation will go on interminably. Because what motivation does he have to change it? He’s pretty much getting what he wants: a nice diversion from his busy life with a sweet and pretty girl. And in fact, the more we think about it the more this guy sounds like a possible player. His comment early on to you—”I’m not really boyfriend material.”—speaks volumes about where he’s at, and it really set the table for the type of arrangement you’re currently in with him.

And this thought just struck us: There’s a big difference between a relationship and an arrangement. One is robust and full of life, and the other is all business. You need to find out which one you’re in. Stop worrying about what he wants, and whether or not he’s going to get bored, and start focusing on what you want. You may not even know exactly what that is until you talk with him. You deserve some answers Alice, but the only way you’re going to get them is to talk to him.

Good luck. We’re hoping this works out the way you want it to. But if not, every relationship you have will better inform you for the future. Just remember to be clear about what makes YOU happy and satisfied.

THE GUYS

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17 Comments on Summer Fling or Boyfriend?

  1. He is 32 and fears commitment anddont want to marry. Although he says if he finds a girl he loves he will.

    On the other hand, the only one he loved he was 22 years, he realized he loves her after 1 year and they were making out and he still never told her he loves her. Until he discovered his friend loves her too.

    He is sagittarious, and I read to grabe his attention to stimulate their sexual imagination. And this is what I did after he stays staring to me and we don’t talk much as he used to have gf. He broke up with her and I started teazing him that he is playing around with her being beside her as friends after breaking up just not to break her heart strongly as she used to beg to stay with him and cry. He said he is keeping the distance cos he doesn’t love her and don’t wanna commit to her and dont want to be unfair to her.

    I always liked him but was afraid to change our relation so not to Get hurt.I know he likes me too and he admitted it and that I am different to him. I am 2 years older than him and I am not used to having boy friends for fun or alot. I used to text him and he asnwer me then I find he calls me and talk for sometime. I stimulated his sexual imagination by taking about energy and telepath through texting. We made this experiment (sexual telepathy thiniking) and it worked and we exchanged our thoughts over the phone. Here is when he started to dicover a new side in me he didn’t thought I have.

    We met once since those phone calls for sports and he was nice. He lives beside the sporting center. He went to get something before we go somewhere else. I went up to his appartment and sat for 15 minutes. Drank orange juice and he started telling me its on The couche where he started to think of us together matching movie. Then I changed the subject and left. In the car he asked me if I got afraid. I said not at all it was time to leave after finishing the juice. He said he will never touch me untill I want it too like him. I told him, I will not want it, as I usually take time to get physically attracted to someone cos it is related to me with feelings and love. He said love is big word for him. I said me too but I am only telling him my rules so not to put high expectations.

    After that he got busy at his work and still we talk on the phone and I have discovered he is not a flirty guy. He rarely express and he said when he likes someone it shows on his attitude, telling her baby and teazing her. He teazes me and we laugh a lot but don’t tell me baby. We talk on the phone for hours although he doesn’t like taking much on the phone. He told its strang he doesn’t feel time with me he not used to talking more than 15 minutes but he enjoys talking with me. He wanted to see a pic of me with my body whole in tight shorts or bikini. I said this will never happen. He said I will see u when we tarvel. I told him I won’t swim with him intentionally cos he is naughty guy.

    We tavelled with our group on vacation and he kept texting me to think of swiming together I told him on one condition to b polit and not naughty. He confirmed.

    I swam with him and he kept his promise. Although I saw it in his eyes. He knows I am sometimes afraid swiming in the deep sea, so once He thought I got tired of swiming and getting under the water so he held me from my waste and I withdraw so quickly telling him am ok. He said he didn’t mean. He gave me his word. He said am bit confusing and contradicting to him cos although what happened in the water I let him to check something on my back. I told him that was out of purpose.

    Once he went to sit with his friend out of our group.I Went to stay with them without him telling me. But he liked that I got along with them easily and they liked me.later I asked him what was his friend wife asking him quitely. He told me she was asking him if I am his girl friend, he told he we r only friends!

    We spent the night on the beach talking and he told me again he enjoys my company. He tried to be physical toching, and said he can not resist me. I told him that his problem that he do not feel it.

    I was laying beside him all night but not touching. He tried to hold my hands several times and make message on my back. And on my waste and leg. I leave him for seconds then remove his hands. When it gets longer I tell him gently enough. And he stops. All night he was staring at me and looking me in the eye. Sometime I open my eyes and find him staring at my face. Once he told me that me stopping him or making fun of him wanting to make me massage, gets him out of the mood, I told him each one gets the other out of the mood in a way. He asked me how he did it with me. I didn’t tell him.

    In the morning, watching the sunrise, I stated to get sleepy. He currased my neck. I let him. It was nice. Later on I asked him if one of the girls in our group who is a close friend of his ask what is between us. He said she won’t ask, cos she knows if it is serious he would tell her alone. I told him, he is an out of the mood word. He said do u want me to say that I love u, I said no, u didn’t have time to fall in love with me yet, neither do I. But I don’t want anyone including u to think I am one of ur girls. He said u r not. I care about u and u r special.

    Later, was first time for me to curres him and play with my hand on his neck. I made it once and he thought I would continue. I didn’t. We laughed about it.

    He told me that he is into me but seems I am not into him. I said is that what u feel, ok, good.

    I went to my friend in another place and I was supposed to go to where he is staying at night. But I didn’t. He didn’t text me all day and so I didn’t too. I should meet him after few hours as we r returning back to city all together.

    Now, a few things, I like him, but I am controlling so not to get hurt. Also, I don’t feel him and physical intimacy to me comes from mutual feelings. Still I don’t want to put him off or make him lose interest in me. Please suggest to me what to do best and if u see any hope in making him more attached.

    Thank You

  2. @Jaz……..We’re not sure exactly how you feel? Do you like this guy? Are you attracted to him? We got the sense that you aren’t sure. However, it certainly seems he’s into you. Although, it’s hard to say what he’s looking for: A relationship or just sex. Give us a little more info. Even though you wrote a lot there’s not much to go on. The two of you haven’t gone out or anything. Has he asked you out yet? Or do you always hang with the group?

  3. Oh sorry. Seems I was sleeping while writing that and forgot to mention that actually I liked him so much, even more and more each day. But the problem he is like a player. A lot of girls are interested in him and they usually come to him. He is used to not taking initiative with girls, but they do. He is used to taking everything easily. Girls he dated used to give him what he wanted, physical matters and sex. But I am not that. I don’t get in relation just for fun, but for love and hoping it turns to something serious. I am very romantic and emotional and I know as I like him, once we get intimate I will fall in love with him and I don’t want that so not to get hurt. But still I want to get him attached to me. I don’t want to be easy for him as all the other girls he’ve know. So please can u advise me how to act with him.

    Today he sent me that last night was not that good cos I was not there. We r back from the vacation. On the way he flirted with me and we used to eye contact every few minutes. Then in one of the rests, he found me standing with a new guy in the group and he was watching me.At lunch time he tried to caress my leg several times and I liked it so much but removed my leg.Today I felt so attracted to him. We r supposed to meeet tomorrow with the group again in a concert. So how u think I should act. Thank you in advance.

  4. @Jaz…..Keep doing what you’re doing. The best way to be is be yourself. However, we can’t tell you too much more about him because we don’t know him, and we don’t know what’s in his heart and mind. He seems into you, but the question of course is why? Or how much? Is he just in it for the chase? He seems old enough to be moving out of that phase but some guys never do. Our suggestion: Take it slowly and see what happens. Also, is he still dating and sleeping with other girls? To us, if he’s really serious about you he’d stop all that nonsense and focus on you. ps. Do us a favor? Please share our site with all of your friends. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  5. Thank you for ur advice. Well, as I mentioned me met last night for the concert. We talked abt that night we spent on the beach and he said he enjoyed it so much our talk and stay, but he sees we did nothing, even the touching was nothing. I told him, well u r just a friend and u r not allowed to. Its not ur right. Was that stupid to say making him think I want more? He looked a lot to me in the eye. He kept telling me, we can come again watch this band alone. When I was home, I texted him that I miss talking with him on the phone. He called me and said he misses it a lot too. He told me he owes me a movie together. Anyways we will see, but what I am asking is, was it wrong to send him I miss talking with him. I have a friend of mine who tells me to totally ignore him, and never initiate to text him. I sometimes do that but I don’t want to loose the level of connection we reached. I Want him to know me closely and get used to me. I will stay in control as long as there is no physical intimacy involved. So what do u think?

  6. @Jaz……Honestly, we’re a bit confused as to what you want. What is it? Do you want a relationship with this guy, or just a friendship? We keep hearing two different messages from you, so we’re confused. If you want a relationship, you need to let him initiate the texting, etc. (We agree with your friends.) Also, if you want a relationship why are you not letting him touch you at all? We’re not saying you should do something you’re uncomfortable with, just that guys like to touch the women they are attracted to. Even innocent touching. So we’re just confused. Does he try to kiss you at all? And what do you do?

  7. I see its so early for touching and kissing.I need a relationship with him and to love me but he always remind me that we are friends even at the night he was bit intimate and touching. I want him to feel am different and not easy to get like other girls. I want him to feel eager to touch me not just something he is used to do if he is just with any girl. Today is the forth time for us to meet with the group after we started talking more. He haven’t taken me out yet.

    Today for example, when we met it was good. In the car he tried to touch me. I liked it and left him for seconds then pulled away. I told him, I just don’t want to get hurt. He told me “I will not hurt u and will not let u get attached to me or love me. I will remind you.” I told him, that I know myself and as long as u will remind me which might put me off, then why from the begining. He said his feelings develop after years. I told him to take his time. He even said that its first time for him to initiate touching a girl. Usually the girls start. Do u get what I mean now?

    We decided to go out more the coming week and when we r home he called me and talked for long time and again he told me he doesn’t know why he talks to me for long time on the phone. A thing he doesn’t do at all.

  8. @Jaz…….Okay, we understand this a little better. You need to give this some more time and see. If he’s into you he should: 1. Take you out more. 2. Introduce you to his friends and family. 3. Want to talk to you daily either text/phone/email. 4. Be talking about a future with you. Right now he’s not doing much of any of that. And we agree: If he’s saying he only wants to be friends, but then still tries to touch you, then you should say no. Basically it sounds like he’s looking for a FWB (Friends with Benefits) situation with you instead of a relationship. Is that what’s going on?

  9. Ya thank you. Probably he wants that. But defently I don’t want to be FWB!!

  10. 🙁 was it wrong that I told him am into him too but I don’t want to get hurt? Sometimes I express myself too much!! I should keep him more wondering. Like he asked me what I really like about him as he thinks I critisized him in few things in a funny way. So I told him ofcourse I discovered nice things in him and I told him. Was that ok to say.

    Another thing I told him let’s make a deal and stay for some time seeing each other without touching so I feel more used to him to get closer. He then told me he felt that he is being drawn to something he is not used to do!!

    Yesterday he didn’t call me at all.

    Have I talked too much and was so clear with him or Did he freak out? What do u think?
    And sorry am asking to much questions.

  11. @Jaz…..The bottom line Jaz is that you have to be yourself. If you’re constantly trying to figure out what the right approach is, then maybe something isn’t right. Like we said, this is going to all sort itself out, but it’s going to take time. Our advice: Be who you are. If he doesn’t want that, well, then you’ll know what you need to do.

  12. I don’t know why am writing u again guys, but why is there guys who are freak of commitment or doesn’t want to commit and don’t want to fall in love!!! After I told him I am in to him too, and after we got close and talking on the phone for hours, and him telling me that I am the only one he can talk to for hours without getting bored and even with a big smile on his face that he sometimes miss is, he started to act distance. He doesn’t call unless I do. We met today and he was little weird, not at ease as every time. He stayed silent a lot and I talking more. Then I saw a friend he knows he likes me, I kept talking with that friend and he looked at me several times. What is wrong with him? We r supposed to meet after tomorrow and I am acting myself as u said, asking him to drive me to an event he asked me if I am going. If he stayed acting distant should I ask him what’s wrong? Or just act normally as if not noticing?

  13. @Jaz……Nice to hear from you. You can write to us anytime! Do not change your approach. Like we said, if he doesn’t like who you are, or doesn’t want to be with the real Jaz, then he’s not worth having around. Right now he’s acting immaturely. If he’s got an issue he needs to say it. Once you start having to probe all of the time, things will get exhausting fast. They probably already are for you. We’re questioning whether you should just move on from this guy. We don’t think this is great for your emotional well-being. What do you think? ps. If you ask him what’s wrong he’ll probably say he’s fine. Guys who play these types of games always pretend nothing’s wrong, but then act like he’s acting. We know, frustrating. Keep us posted.

  14. Hay Guys,,
    I wanted to update you on the latest. Well,, actually i saw him that day, and he wanted to hold hands,, and i commented about what he said the other day on the phone him feeling that he is being drawn to something he is not used to and he feels he is not in control. So i made him feel he is in control and told him,, actually u are in control,, u dont call unless i do,, u dont text unless i do,, and u want us to be friends,, then when we meet, u should act as friends and you should control us being physical. He laughed,, and we spent a lovely day,, with our friends. He used to look to me every now a then.

    Then once on text, he told me when we were in the car that day,, he wanted to grab me and kiss me and was wondering how i would have reacted. I told him,, “i wouldnt have let him. Cos how come he ignores me for a week or more and expect that i surrender to him and be happy about it.” Sometimes i am so frank!!

    Then there was the sports day with the group,, and i went there late,, and once i arrived he asked me why i was late. i told him i am here since long. He said,, he has been going around the track several times and i was not there yet. Then after we finished the day, we walked back to his home to get the car and drive me home. He asked me again what made me late that day. I told him i will start a tango class 1 hour before the sports,, he asked me if i need a partner.

    At his home,, it was first time for him to say that,, he doesnt want to go out in a date alone,, as he doesnt want to fall in love now. He said he just got out of a relation ship that gave him a hard time. Still he wanted to be intimate, and was teasing me,, but i didnt let him. In the car, he said he feels i just dont it. i told him am controlling. Then i told him he is playing. So he said,, u dont want it cos u think i am playing. I confirmed. Then after a while, i let him hold my hand,, he said,, i hope u are not just letting me and u are not feelings it or wanting it, or else i would be so sad. He told me,, that he feels comfortable with me,, a thing he doesnt feel easily with anyone.

    The next day,, we went to a concert together,, and within the group too. I looked so nice that day,, i saw it in his eyes once he saw me but he didnt comment. There were few touches,, that at the end of the night,, he kissed me on my cheek. usually we dont kiss hello or goodbyes. only hand shakes. He even kissed my hand several times.

    I contacted him through text that night and he said he wants me to sleep whole night beside him.

    What do u think guys. I am getting so much more attracted to him and i am really controlling not to react to his touches much. I controlled several times to be intimate with him. He is not ready for relation now, how do u think i should react to this??
    Do u see that i am so frank with him? Should i get more intimate with only hand touches at least or stop it completely as we r not in a relation ?? Please advise

  15. @Jaz……..Do you think he’s changing his mind about being in a relationship with you? Because that’s what you really want isn’t it? We’ve just seen this situation play out so many times before where the guy is saying he doesn’t want a relationship just sex, and the woman is trying to figure out what that actually means. When a guy says something he tends to mean what he says. If this guy keeps giving you the same message that’s something to consider. You’re doing the right thing by deflecting his sexual advances, but honestly if that’s all he wants you need to move on entirely. No friendship, no contact. However, have you talked to him about what he might want and if he’s changed his mind? Before you remove yourself, we think it’s at least worth discussing with him. If after you speak with him you’re still not exactly sure what he said, then come back and ask us to interpret. Does this help? Keep us posted and let us know what you decide to do.

  16. thanks guys for your reply. i think it is too early to ask him such question. I dont want to do that now. But on the other hand,, i will withdraw and disappear for a whole week as i will be busy totally and he dont know about that. we’ll see

  17. @Jaz…..Okay. We’re pulling for you. Keep us in the loop.

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