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Taking my long distance friendship to the next level

Hi Guys,

My dilemma has to do with taking a long distance relationship with a friend to the next level possibly. I’ve read a lot of the posts about long distance/(is he interested), but I feel like my situation is a hybrid of several categories so I figured I’d ask for myself. So here is the backstory:

I met this guy my junior year of college, but we didn’t really get to know each other until the next year. We became pretty fast friends; we have a shared interest in politics, but also talked about other things. Within a few months, in addition to seeing eachother in school, we were going out for drinks after class and having lunch together a couple of times a week. We talked pretty much everyday, often late into the night.

I had a crush on him and he seemed to have an interest in me, even coming up with his own nick name for me, but we never talked about it. I’m a pretty firm believer in the guy making the first “official” move. We flirted but it never went anywhere. We had both recently gotten out of very long term relationships and were about to graduate and (at least on my end) planned on moving back home. Things went on like this throughout the year.

After graduation we kind of fell out of touch. I had moved back home and was about to start law school; he was looking for a job. About 5 months after graduating he calls me out of the blue—we never really talked on the phone, always in person or text— he said he was just thinking about me and decided to call. We talked on the phone for at least an hour, only stopping because I had an appointment to go to. Since then our communication has been pretty sporadic. Again, I was busy with school, him with his career- which had taken him to the other side of the country.

About a year ago I texted him and during our conversation he said something flirty to which I said something along the lines of “you had your chance.” I was joking(ish), but his response surprised me. He said that he knew that but that it just hadn’t been the right time. This was the first time we had even mentioned the mass of sexual tension between us. Since then we have talked off and on, sometimes exchanging dirty texts. I usually initiate the conversations these days, although it has not always been this way. Lately, (the last few months) it seems like our conversations are shorter and I’m less likely to hear back from him after we exchange a few texts. I’m confused; while our conversations tend to be short, he’s pretty flirty still, saying things like, “You must have a thing for me,” and “I’ll bet that made you blush.” I’m not really sure what to make of it.

I really care about this guy, and especially after dating some other people since college have really realized how much a care about him and would like to at least try a relationship with him. He’s back from the other side of the country but still about an hour plane ride from where I live; but it’s not an impossible distance.

I guess my question is two-fold. 1) Does it even sound like this guy is into me or am I totally misreading the situation? The lack of initiation of conversation/dropping the conversation is unsettling to me as a usually find this is a trait of selfish/inconsiderate guys, but considering it has not always been this way I’m not sure if it is just a symptom of the distance. He’s a little but older than me (about 6 years, I’m 23) for what it’s worth. 2) If he is interested how do I go about starting something?

In case it wasn’t already clear we have never slept together or had any other sort of physical relationship. Other than a few risqué texts the relationship has been just friends.

Thanks Guys!

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Nice to hear from you. You’ve got an interesting situation on your hands. But before we get to your question we want to thank you for your donation. We appreciate it!

What jumps out at us is his response to your quip, “Well, you had your chance.” He said, “Well, I knew that, but it wasn’t the right time.” The thing to understand about guys is that when they’re way into a girl, they’ll do whatever they can to make that known, and then they’ll try to seal the deal. The “right time” doesn’t factor in. (What, was he too busy or something?) He had time to hang out with you a ton, so if he was interested he probably would have made some kind of move. So the question we’re wondering is why? Why wasn’t that a good time? Is that a nice way of deflecting your question without hurting your feelings, or is he somehow different than most of the guys we know, including us? The one possibility of course is if he was hurting over his long-term relationship. But we don’t get that sense. That seems like an easy excuse.

We think he still isn’t sure how he feels. He talks dirty and flirts when he’s remembering all the great things about you. When he realizes he’s not sure, and that he might be leading you on, he pulls back and doesn’t respond to your texts. (We don’t see him as selfish, just confused.) It’s easy for people to remember all the positives, and forget that they weren’t sure from the onset. He’s vacillating because he very much wants to have strong feelings for you, but he doesn’t want to start something and then realize that it’s not what he wants. (And he cares for you too much; he doesn’t want to hurt you.)

That said, we still think it’s worth reaching out to him. What have you got to lose? Sure, it might make the friendship awkward, but honestly the friendship is already awkward because you want more. Guys do take time to mature. If we’re doing our math correctly he’s 29 and it’s about that time that guys wake up and start realizing all the things they don’t know. An awakening of sorts. Maybe his awakening will include you? But it sounds like you’re going to have to be the one to get this conversation started. (Although we’re hoping he will.) Is there a way to casually inquire about seeing each other? Would he have a reason to visit your hometown in addition to seeing you? What about you visiting him? That might give you more control over the situation? If you visit and stay at a hotel or something, you could always leave early if things weren’t working out. (We’d definitely recommend staying somewhere other than his place based on the unclear nature of your relationship.

What do you think? How does this plan seem? Leave us a comment below and ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. (Leave all in comments section below.)

Take care,

THE GUYS

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Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about: Long Distance Relationships

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49 Comments on Taking my long distance friendship to the next level

  1. Hey Guys, thanks for getting back to me so fast! My main confusion is similar to yours, “not the right time”-really? The only things i could think of were his relationship that had ended (he almost proposed to this girl, maybe wanted her back?) and i think maybe his ego took a bit of a blow when i got into grad school but he didnt (he’s ex-military = big ego)

    That said, I had pretty much foreclosed the possibility of anything between us until lately when he said the “I bet you really have a thing for me” thing. It seemed like an odd thing to say, particularly in the context of our conversation which was a fairly lighthearted back and forth. I’m not sitting around waiting for this guy but if there’s a chance it could go somewhere I’d like to explore it, although I’m not in a rush (my own life is pretty busy with school/work).

    As for visiting- I have quite a few friends that live in his area, I could go for a visit and see if he wants to get a drink or something. I think that’s probably the way to go. Thanks again guys!

  2. @Anonymous……His “I bet you really have a thing for me,” comment, bugs us. It seems a bit cocky and insecure at the same time. We’d proceed cautiously here. This guy seems a bit all over the place. And we honestly don’t get a great feeling from him. Is he a player? But…..we don’t see any problem with visiting his area since you have friends there. (Obviously you should stay with your friends.) What do you think? Keep us posted as to what your plan is? And ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Thanks for spreading the word about our site.

  3. Guys: interesting view on the comment, I hadn’t thought of it that way but totally fits (pretty sure he has a bit of a Napoleon complex). Not sure if he’s a player, i’ve never seen him as one but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. At this point i’m thinking I will just let things be. If he is interested- he has my number. Clearly he can’t be that interested if he can’t get back to me. I’m an intelligent lady with a nice rack, so his loss right? Thanks for your input, it’s much appreciated!

  4. @Anonymous……An intelligent lady with a nice rack? Definitely his loss! (Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves.) Anyway, yes, this is a wait-and-see situation. He’d be lucky to have you—and no we’re not referring to our previous comment. But he has to see that for himself. If he can’t, then it’s time to move on. Keep us posted and take care.

  5. Hi guys,

    I have a question about a long distance relationship/thing I am currently involved in. I met this guy back in April on a family vacation out of town. We hung out, hit it off, everything was going great – until I returned home and found out he had an “ex” who still lived at his house (she had no job, a child from a former relationship, etc). So drama ensued, she got involved when she found out about me, and it was a mess. He pulled away and I did too.

    Around September of this year, one of my friends reached out to him because I had received terrible health news, and she thought hearing support from him might uplift me. Well, we started talking, and although I was back with an ex-boyfriend, we hit it off again. Chemistry was still there, and my new-ex-boyfriend was starting to fizzle (for the same reasons it didn’t work before). He had also ended things with his ex (actually has a restraining order involved because she would not leave his house despite many attempts to get her out – I know, drama, baggage…) but she was no longer in his life.

    So this guy and I met up at one of his shows (he is a musician – not typical, so please don’t start throwing the stereotypes around. And I’m also no groupie, but a successful woman with a powerful job and great salary). We spent a weekend together and it was basically intimate the whole time… with the occasional breaks so he could play or we could eat/sleep. It was great.

    He went home and I returned home, and he wanted me to visit him again. I visited early November, and then two weeks later. He said his family and friends were confused why I’d be coming back so soon (I asked him if they thought it was weird, he didn’t just say this randomly), because their opinion is that he just got out of a 5 year BAD relationship, why would he enter a new one?

    And I agree with all of that – he should heal and focus on his career now that all the b.s. is out of his life – BUT we have this physical and emotional attraction, and timing is yet again, off.

    What do I do? How do I proceed? He rarely can travel because he works 5-7 nights a week (and then has meetings during the day to figure out record deals, etc), so most of the traveling is either me going there, or us meeting “half way” when he travels for a show.

    Basically it is “friends with benefits” but I think both of us see long term potential if the timing works out. I don’t want to just drop him; I can afford the travel; and I love the physical connection I have with him.

    I want to visit in December, but don’t know how to bring it up. He knows I don’t want a relationship right now (and I sincerely DONT), but again, it’s tough to express desire to want to see him without seeming like I do. I just enjoy his company and it doesn’t hurt my wallet to visit.

    Please help :(. When is too soon to ask when to visit again? I just returned a week ago from a 3-night stay.

    Thank you so so much, I really need male opinions here!

    -Dani

  6. Hi Guys –

    I have a pretty unique situation that I need advice on…

    I have been friends with a man for 20 years. We met at 14 and are both now 35. During our high school years, we were best friends and did everything together. At 18 I moved away and he came to visit a couple of times. We kept in touch over the next 10 years, going through periods of talking daily to sometimes not talking for a year. After long stretches like that, he would always find a way to get in touch with me and reach out.

    I think he always had a crush on me and he expressed this several time when we were young. I was flighty young, and wanted to see the world and never really entertained his interest.

    Roughly 3 years ago, I visited him in Seattle ( I live in NYC) after not having seen him for several years. We ended up having sex and it was amazing. Unfortunately, he was in the middle of a break up and the whole situation was not handled well. He withdrew and I was pretty hurt. I left and we talked a couple of times, but not much for a couple of years.

    About 3 months ago he contacted me again and we went right back to being best friends like always. He acknowledged his behavior after the last time and said he was unsure how to handle things, especially with his x girlfriend being so jealous so he just withdrew. We have been talking everyday for three months now and we both tell each other how much we love each other. We still have our friendship which is awesome, but now we are in love too. He came to visit me for 5 days and everything was great while he was here. He has been gone for a couple weeks now and I miss him so much it’s almost unbearable.

    Here are the issues and maybe some things to know:

    1.) He lives in Seattle and I live in NYC. We aren’t like people who just met and we aren’t like people who have had a chance to date normally. How do you ‘start’ a relationship from a 20 year friendship from 3,000 miles away?

    2.) He is a nervous and soft-hearted guy and has always been easily overwhelmed when it comes to big changes or moves. He never had good self esteem through his teens or 20’s and only recently got into a career he loves and started to have more self confidence and pride in himself. I don’t want him to lose this and I know he loves his job and doesn’t want to leave it right now.

    3.) He says that he loves me and always has and that if there is anyone he could be with for the rest of his life he knows it is me. I feel the same way. However, he also says that he is nervous because I’m not like just anyone and he feels like he has screwed up in the past and couldn’t deal with me hating him or us losing touch again if things didn’t work out. He worries about things a lot.

    4.) I don’t think I capable of happily having a relationship made of texts and late night phone calls. I feel a little resentful at him because I feel like he kind of wants to have his cake and eat it too. I feel like in his mind he would love to always have my friendship there and be buddies everyday an visit each other once every couple of months, but not to have to really change more than that. I guess I feel like he is not ready for that and I am resentful because maybe I am.

    It all feels unfair because we don;t get the opportunity to just “date” or be together without some major commitment or change because we live so far apart. It is really hard to tell what someone is thinking when they are so far away.

    He asked me to come to Seattle for two weeks this month to see if I like it and spend Christmas with him. I bought a ticket and plan to go. He also asked me if I would come a a vacation with him family in January.

    I don;t know if he wants to move toward us eventually living together (or in the same city) or does he just want to be comfortable? What do I do and where do we go from here?

    Having a really hard time. Any advice would really help!

    Thanks!!

  7. @Dani……This sounds nice. At least it has some potential. Why can’t you wait for him to suggest a get together or visit? This may be a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement right now, but clearly you’re into him. If you start doing all the work now, that will only continue later if the relationship progresses. (These types of patterns are tough to break in relationships.) As difficult as it may be, we advise you to be patient, and let him be the one to bring up another visit. Both of you need to be putting in the effort or this has no chance of working. Hopefully that will happen. Thoughts?

  8. @Amy……..We understand how hard this is for you. But you’ve got to stop pressing, otherwise you’re going to drive yourself crazy. Would you say right now things are good? (It sounds like it) We say that because we think it’s too soon for you to really know what’s going to happen. And it’s too soon for him to know how invested he wants to be. The good news is, you’ve got good chemistry and a strong friendship, which are the basic building blocks to a successful relationship. Our suggestion: Spend the two weeks with him. See how it goes. Go on vacation with him in January. And then, if all has been going well, tell him how you’re feeling. It’s like this analogy: A kid in elementary school thinks to himself. If I’m struggling in math now, how in the heck will I survive high school math?…..You see our point. it’s too soon to worry. Sure, you can’t stop yourself from wondering and projecting, but you’re going to miss out on a lot of good times if you’re obsessing over the future. Your thoughts? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.

  9. Thanks so much for this advice. It’s like a breath of fresh air, especially from an outside source. What you say does make sense. It’s just hard when someone is at such a distance and being sometimes I get impatient and don’t want to emotionally invest unless I know it’s going to work out. But, I guess that’s the risk with everyone, right? Thanks so much for this. You GUYS are awesome!

  10. @Amy…..Glad we could help. Come back anytime and definitely keep us posted. And ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Thanks for sharing our site with your friends.

  11. Hey guys – thank you for your response…. I am still so confused though. I talked to him last night and just now today (this is the thing – we talk every day, usually he calls to say goodnight and we talk for a while… I rarely am the one calling at night), and one of my friends had apparently been talking to him earlier like saying that he needs to appreciate me, and realize what a wonderful woman I am, blah blah blah… my friends think there is this fairytale ending waiting where he will suddenly realize he loves me – I realistically dont think this will ever happen…. and I told him that today, that my friends want it to be something different than I do right now, so I made a stupid mistake. I said to him “Look, I know you have no romantic feelings for me now and you never will” and he was like “No, I’m not saying never I am not pessimistic” and I said “You could say never, I wont be upset” (I lied) and he was like “Well right now no, I don’t feel that way about you”… so… it hurt a little but I guess I got my answer… or did I? Mind games suck and maybe he is not even playing them, but I feel like to him we are “friends that sleep together sometimes” and that’s FINE with me right now (again, don’t want a relationship right now either), but it would have at least been nice to hear he thought it could one day be something. Does this mean I am permanently friend-zoned? It doesnt really change anything for me if it means that… I am just confused.

    Thank you again, I appreciate a male perspective here, because while I am intelligent I’ve yet to figure out men! 🙂

    -Dani

  12. also failed to mention – he is 33 and I am 24.. but he acts like a big kid. Less mature than me in many ways…. And I mentioned before that he is a musician, but his career is really like at that point where it’s going to take off or just stay moderately successful – he has a pending record deal he is trying to seal this week, and a promo thing all across the country “in talks” (can’t really go into details), so while I know you responded to the original poster that if a guy is into you it is never “not the right time”… but I think it really ISNT for this situation – he lives 600 miles away from me, his career is at a critical point, and he is just out of a bad relationship. Maybe it actually is bad timing? I know for me I don’t want to be in a relationship right now – but I could very much see myself being happy WITH HIM one day. I guess he just doesn’t see me that way, or he would tell me… right?

  13. @Dani…..We can see why you’d be confused. Here’s the thing. Guys generally know right away what potential they see in a woman. 1. Not interested in any way. 2. Very nice. Friend. 3. They want to have sex but nothing else. 4. They see relationship potential. Now of course it’s not always so black and white, but most of the time it is. But we agree with you when you say your situation is partly about timing. We don’t love his little game play via phone. We also don’t think you should let him know you’re feeling insecure about whether he likes you or not. (That’s how that comes across. Just being honest. Sorry) Anyway, you’re definitely in the #3 category, with possibilities for #4. But typically a “Friends with Benefits” arrangement doesn’t transition into something more serious. (Watch our video on that topic) As per his music career. We actually have quite a lot of experience in that realm. (Congrats to him by the way! We hope it takes off for him.) But, his career shouldn’t preclude at least talking about a relationship. He’s not saying, “I would definitely like to talk more about taking our relationship to the next level because I really think you’re amazing, but right now I have to focus on my music. Let’s see if we can enjoy each other’s company for now, and then work towards being together.” (OR something like that.) The situation would still LOOK the same, but it would FEEL completely different. But he’s saying, he doesn’t know, and trying to be coy. And frankly, even though you might not want a relationship right now, it’s clear that you want something with this guy and that you’ve developed serious feelings for him. It’s okay. That’s a great thing. Just don’t deny it to yourself. It’s better to be out there and take a risk, rather than have regrets later. And finally, his age. The fact that he’s 34 and still searching, and trying to make it, does color this a little bit. Not that we don’t applaud his tenacity. We definitely do. We just think he may not be something who prioritizes relationships—at least the kind of relationship you want. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. They’ll appreciate it. We will too! Thanks.

  14. I have a long distance situation that I also need some advice on. It’s complicated so I will try to give you as much info as I can while still condensing it. This guy and I knew each other for a summer when we were both around 16 years old. We both really liked each other but we lived in different places so the relationship never developed beyond the summer that we had together. We talked a couple of times since, but fast forward 18 years, and by some weird twist of fate, we were put back into contact with each other, however, it has only been via text/phone so far. We live on extreme opposite sides of the country. At first, he was helping me deal with my divorce and I was talking with him about an on again off again relationship break up he was still dealing with. Both of our relationships were very long term, mine longer than his, but I believe that both of our previous situations have no chance of reconciling.

    Long story short, something more serious developed VERY quickly between the two of us and involved a lot of pretty much non-stop talking about our futures together, our wants, our dreams, how we would be able to work things out since we live 5000 miles apart, if I was willing to move to where he lived to try things out, where he would be willing to move to get our relationship to work, if we were truly over our exes, sexual wants and needs, etc. We were talking for hours upon hours a day about everything. We were very open with each other, and he initiated ALL of the serious relationship talk. I was the one really questioning if things could work. We sent each other pictures to be sure if we were still attracted to each other which we were. Some of this talk did involve sexting as well, and it was hot. So, skipping ahead, we agreed that we did need to meet in person again to see if the connection still existed in “real life.” After he asked me to come out to where he was for a visit for at for at least the 40th time, I finally agreed. He told me to book my ticket right then, but I told him that I would give him one more night to make sure he wanted this. The next day he wrote and said that if he was being truly honest with himself, he wasn’t completely over his ex yet. At times, he thought he was, but at times he still thinks of her, and it isn’t fair to me for him to start something when he still thinks of her at times. He would like to be friends for now and for the time being he hopes that we can do that. He keeps using phrases with for now and for the time being. He said that I probably should not come out this soon because he knows a relationship would develop and he isn’t ready for that yet. He needs more time. I agreed to it and stopped initiating any communication with him. He has since contacted me every other night to chat but mostly about random stuff…nothing relationship wise and no more sexting.

    I really, really like this guy a lot, and the life that he was offering to me was exactly the life I was looking for including having kids and everything he put up on the table. I want to know if you think this has any shot of working out in the future or if you think it was all just a cool fantasy and he just wants to remain friends. He has still been initiating conversation, so at least, I know he is thinking of me. I just don’t know how to proceed from here.

  15. @Lou….Thanks for your question. We’d be much more skeptical if you had gone out there to visit, and THEN he pulled back. But the fact that he did that BEFORE he saw you tells us he’s probably telling you the truth. This wasn’t right after you shared your picture with him was it? We’re just wondering about the attraction piece since the two of you have a great connection via phone/text, but haven’t been face-to-face at all. That could be a reason for his reticence. However, he sounds like he’s telling the truth, and in fact is trying to prevent anything negative from happening that could possibly impact your “future” together. In essence, he’s trying to save the potential of your “relationship.” Does that make sense? It’s also natural he “freaked out” right before you were going to book your ticket. As it became more real he had to really look deep to decide what he wanted and if he was ready. He’s not. One note of caution: While we believe there’s something here, and it’s too soon to know, if this goes on for a long period of time it’s safe to say it’s not going to happen. Example: If another trip is planned and he backs out of that one as well, then move on. Does this help? Thoughts? Ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Spread the word on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. @TGPBuzz. Please take a moment to help a fellow reader. VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks

  16. The pull back was not after we shared pictures. We shared several pictures with each other prior to that and we agreed that we both found each other very attractive still. That is one thing I am actually confident of. He said it many, many times. One of the last texts before he pulled back said that he found me very attractive and was really glad I was coming out to see if this was “it.” The only other thing I can come up with is that he was home with family for Thanksgiving and maybe someone said that they thought things were moving way too fast between us. I was going to go out there in a couple of weeks. It was truly really moving fast, but the more I thought about it and the more we talked, I figured why not? I might as well see if there even is a possibility. Now, it’s just sad because he pulled back. Do you think I should initiate any conversation with him or just let him keep contacting me? That way I won’t be pressuring him at all. You guys say if this continues for a long period of time, it’s safe to say, it’s not going to happen. I know you can’t tell me 47 days or anything specific, but how long is a long period of time? Do I ever initiate talks of the romantic relationship again or do I have to let him initiate all of those talks? I don’t want to pressure or scare him in any way but at the same time, I would like to know if he thinks that we actually do still have potential.

  17. @Lou……It really does seem like he’s interested, but you never know. People change their minds all of the time. But for now, we say go with the flow. Let him initiate. Don’t bring up the romantic potential unless he does, and then just see where it goes. We think he’ll bring it up again. It seems like it’s the “elephant in the room” right? He’s going to almost have to bring it up again. So how many days is too many? Hmm….Certainly through the holidays. And probably another couple after that. (We hate to put any time limit on this.) Maybe by March?? And even then, we’d just suggest dialing it way back and keeping open to other opportunities/possibilities. But that’s a long way away. For now, just be patient and see what happens. Yes, we know it’s hard!. ps. The only way we’d suggest moving on before then is if the two of you plan another get together and he changes his mind again. What do you think overall?

  18. He is so confusing to me. Sigh. Everything you said makes perfect sense. I feel like with him it is one of those cases where it’s not so black and white, but whenever he starts to feel close or something he just pulls away because everyone in his life is telling him “NO RELATIONSHIPS” right now. I don’t know. Last night he texted and I was passed out, so exhausted from work… he texts and hour later and says “Or just ignore me.” And I was like “I’m not, I was sleeping! Sorry!” and he then proceeded to tell me he thought I was “getting busy” with someone else. ??? Why would he care about this if he didn’t care about me as more than whatever? I don’t understand. Anyway, I think it’s more the ex girlfriend precluding him from talking about a relationship, more than the career thing. He does like that he has “no strings attached” regarding career – it offers a lot more flexibility (and I guess he’s used to being with someone who was overly demanding/not flexible/the opposite of me), but I think he is sincerely heartbroken over giving so many years to something that ended up going bad. I find it nearly impossible to walk away from him right now – even if he does eventually call it off. I do have feelings for him and just care about him in general as a person, a friend, whatever. I can’t imagine my life with him not in it… I think it would hurt… but I guess maybe he wont be someone I am sleeping with forever… although I wouldn’t mind it. It doesn’t help it’s the holidays and everything is all relationship-centric! So he is currently planning a time for me to visit again…. Said he was looking at his calendar today to figure it out… I just always am afraid it’s the “last time” – like he will find someone between when I’m there and the next time. That’s the part of this that is the hardest for me. Thank you again for all of your help – I guess I just don’t know when it all becomes too much and I need to give up, or what.

  19. @Dani…….The holidays are a tough time to be in a unclear situation. Hang in there. Keep us posted. And please, always feel free to bounce something off of us if something comes up, especially after your next visit. Take care of yourself Dani.

  20. I really do appreciate the advice. Things between him and I are strange. He is still texting most days but mostly just about stuff like sports and other random stuff we are interested in. We have completely avoided any talk of our relationship. However, we did make a bet involving a basketball game and he set the terms as dinner when we finally meet up and when I said he should go bigger, it turned sexual. Anyway, when we were texting tonight, he said he was taking a six month hiatus from women to make sure he was completely over his ex and to clear her out of his mind. He said six months was ballpark but that it would take however long it takes. I asked if he was doing it to get over her or to get back with her and he said to get completely over her. I told him that six months sounded like a long time, and he said it isn’t that long. We then proceeded to text back and forth about random stuff again for several more hours. I guess my question is what do I do now? I obviously want more out of this, and he had been offering me so much more. I know he needs time to get completely over his ex and I appreciate that he didn’t hurt me by bringing me out to his place only to tell me he was still all about her. Do I just keep up this random texting all night about nothing and hope that by developing a strong friendship, he will turn back to me when he is ready? Do I fulfill the sexual/sexting bet or do I avoid that now? I have to set the terms for a different bet tonight. Do I make it flirty or just normal? I don’t know how serious he is about the hiatus. I don’t want to scare him away but I also don’t know if the jokey friends route with some sexting is the way to go either. What do you think?

  21. @Lou……Well, joking friends and sexting sure doesn’t sound like a break from women, does it? What’s up with this guy? Our suggestion: Let him take his six months. If you keep in touch, do it as friends only. From where we stand this guy sounds like a project, and his “cleansing” could take a lot longer than six months, with no guarantees. Question: If you stay friends with him and keep in touch is that going to keep you in a holding pattern? Because this could go either way. You could wait around six months for him and he could say he needs another year. Or he could say, he’s totally ready to be with you. Or he could say he’s dating someone else. You see, this is one of those nebulous situations where it’s going to be up to you to decide how it’s going to look. He seems so wishy washy and confused to make any sort of decision about you. What do you think?

  22. Well I think that I have absolutely no idea how to handle this situation. I would like to remain in contact with him because I really enjoy our conversations and I really want more from this, but at the same time, I want to know if he feels about if we have any chance at a future together. I still haven’t received any answers yet because I haven’t asked. All that I know is that he isn’t completely over his ex yet. The six month hiatus talk was just a general statement. We weren’t talking about our relationship at that time. I have no idea what is going on in his head, and I don’t know how to approach it. Do I ask him flat out if he thinks we have any potential or do I just leave everything alone and hope that he just decides to give us a shot on his own? I would probably be his friend either way, but my effort towards the friendship would be different if I knew there was no chance at a future relationship with him. Do I push for some answers or just let it go for now? I know I am supposed to have patience, but I am very confused by the whole situation and do not know how to proceed.

  23. @Lou…..This really comes down to what you can handle. If you ask him now you’ll get an immediate answer. Will it be different than if you explored this six months from now? Possibly. But that’s not for sure as well. We wish we could just tell you what to do, but this comes down to how long you’re willing to wait. If it were us, we might ask now. Because we still think he’s possibly going to be unsure in six months from now, or a year from now. Of course we’re not guaranteeing this will work out the way you want it to, but at least you’ll know. What do you think? What do you think you’re going to do? We’re sorry this is so confusing. Hang in there.

  24. Getting Frustrated // December 4, 2012 at 3:30 am //

    I met my LDR through work – he works in the office 3 hrs from my home. We’ve been in a LDR for only 3+ months, but it is very serious (on both sides). I have made it very clear I find long distance too difficult and don’t want to do it into the next year – so someone has to make a move. He has always said he would move for me, and the only reason he stays in his hometown is because his kids are there. I am a mum who raises my child completely by myself, and my whole support system (family and friends) are where I currently live, and I have no wish to uproot my kid. His kids have their mum, and extended family and friends in his town, so I see it as more logical that he move here and have his kids every second weekend and holidays. We agreed we would discuss it over the Xmas/New Year period, but situations have arisen that is forcing me to make decisions relevant to this upcoming discussion. My flatmate is moving out, and I am interviewing for a new (and better) job – which he suggested I apply for! When I broached the subject earlier (3 weeks), he got really angry and reminded me that we were not going to discuss it until the New Year. When I explained why I was bringing it up earlier he didn’t seem to think it was relevant at all! He has in the last few months lost his only surviving parent and been through a near-death experience, which I thought would help him prioritise what was important to him…but his answer was that, what was the use in making plans? We could die tomorrow…or win the lottery. I thought this was a very immature outlook, and am now wondering if I am wasting my time waiting around for someone who has no intention of following through. I need a guy’s perspective – does he need this time to make a decision he has been thus far putting off? Should I give him the three weeks, although I risk wasting my holidays spending time with someone I have no future with?

  25. @Getting Frustrated…….We understand why you’d be frustrated but let’s look at it from his perspective. He is prioritizing, just like you. He’s prioritizing his kids. Yes, it’s more logical for him to move, but that doesn’t mean it’s more right. (We’re not saying you should either. We’re just saying) It seems that you’re not taking into account how difficult this decision might be for him. (It’s a big deal to uproot and move, and move away from your kids. THE GUYS that do have kids here wouldn’t want to do it.) So yes, maybe it seems to make complete sense for this to happen fast based on what’s going on with your life, but you’ve got to be a bit more understanding and flexible, or the relationship isn’t going to work anyway. He’s also wondering why you’re going back on your agreement. (That you’d wait to discuss this.) Understand, that logic and timing don’t come into play here. Both of you are dealing with big decisions that affect not only your lives, but the lives of the people you love. Also, keep in mind that he’s going through a lot with the loss of his last parent. That’s a huge deal. He probably feels a bit adrift like an orphan might. Please try to be more patient. You seem like you’re rushing to have this be all neat and tidy, but life isn’t. (And we know you know this) The good news is that the two of you really like each other. Our suggestion: Apologize for not taking his feelings into account. Support him as he works through these recent difficult experiences. And then resume the conversation in the New Year. FYI: This isn’t going to happen fast. These kinds of decisions shouldn’t. Both of you need to be 100% on board for that to happen. Question: It really does seem like you’re rushing this. Could you explain why? It’s only been 3 months. Is it about this man specifically? What do you love about him? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. Take care. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on the Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  26. Getting Frustrated // December 4, 2012 at 1:49 pm //

    Thanks for the advice, it totally makes sense. To answer your question, I’ve been on my own for seven years – and I mean that in every sense of the word. He can’t believe this, as I’m not a dog or anything. My family and friends are kind of shocked I ended up with him – as he is no Brad Pitt. But I have been looking for a specific person, with specific traits (basically, he embodies all the positive attritubes to my negative ones)…and he is better – personality and character – than I ever imagined. I guess the reason its moving so fast is because we have both found what we’ve been looking for/missing in our lives, and everything else seems to fall into place. I know it seems like I am driving it at this pace, but he very regularly brings up the subject of us getting marriaed and having more children, so its not completely one-sided. Also, I am in the position where I will be the main bread-winner. He has a trade, but at the end of the day, I have a more lucrative career – and to be honest, it wouldn’t flourish as well in his hometown. I guess the LDR isn’t so much a problem – it’s only 3hrs away – but he is not very good with the organising (he also has music commitments he loves doing), and I end up feeling like a second-place getter. I get that his past relationship – which lasted over 10 years – consisted of him and her doing their own thing and not spending a lot of time together, but I have maintained from the beginning that this type of relationship wouldn’t make me happy – but it seems that bad habits die hard. I agree with what you have said, and I will do as you have recommended. However, I firmly belive that there needs to be a use-by date on the whole LDR – and I guess that is what I am really pushing for. Thanks again, Guys.

  27. @Getting Frustrated……….Well, we actually don’t disagree with you. There’s no point in a LDR unless the goal is to be together in the same place at some point. We were reacting to the fact that the relationship is only 3 months, and that you had already set a date, and the fact that he had a strong reaction to you trying to change that. But we can see that you have a good thing going. We just don’t want you to lose that by pushing too hard. A move is a big deal, and if he’s comfortable taking that step, then he’ll be much happier, and subsequently you’ll be much happier. Definitely keep us posted. We’re pulling for both of you. We hope the two of you can work this out. Come back and ask another question anytime. And thanks for sharing our site with friends.

  28. Dear THE GUYS,

    Just over two months ago I met a guy on an online dating site. We seemed to connect instantly and have been talking on the phone and skype on a regular basis ever since. After about two weeks of talking I told him I was starting to like him and he said that he “isn’t ready to think about the distance” and that we are just getting to know eachother as “long distance friends”. He also said he wants to take it slow and just see where things go. We live very far away from one another, I am in new york and he lives in puerto rico.
    Despite his reaction to my confession, there have been weeks where he has came right out and said that he is starting to like me and said if we lived closer he would “definitaly want to have a relationship”. I am completely falling head over heels for this guy, and I have been trying my best to set my feelings aside and get to know him as just a friend. I haven’t hold him exactly how I feel about the situation but I do flirt and say sweet things alluding to my feelings for him. He confuses me though because sometimes he responds being flirty and sweet as well and other times he acts aloof to my comments. Holding in my feelings has been driving me crazy. I really want to discuss possibly taking our friendship a step further, I also want to mention meeting him sometime. We have talked about meeting before, but just briefly in conversation. I feel like it is time to discuss what should/could happen next and if he is interested in developing a relationship past just a friendship. We talk everyday and we get along so well, I really feel like him and I should meet and go from there. But actually meeting is not easy because we live so far apart. I want to tell him how I feel without scaring him off. (he said he takes a long time to decide whether to date someone or not). I have been really patient and Ive been hoping that he initiate the first move. I think that he does really like me but just isn’t interested in pursuing anything further because of the distance. However, I really think that him and I should discuss it further and possibly meet sometime. He talks about how he may join a soccer team in New York next year, so that gets me excited hoping a relationship between him and I could really work. I really need advice on this situation, should I tell him how I feel or should I wait a little longer? (its only been two months). Do you think he is interested in pursuing a relationship with me? How should I ask him if he is interested in meeting sometime? Should I walk away to prevent myself from further heartbreak?

    Thank you,
    Rachel

  29. @Rachel……Thanks for your question. It sounds like you have a nice connection, but in order to really know you need to see each other face-to-face. (More than once) Long distance relationships are hard, especially when they start that way. However, he needs to be the one to initiate, not you. Otherwise you’re never really going to be able to gauge how interested he is. We know it’s hard to be patient, but don’t reveal your hand just yet. Let him open up to you, and let him be the one to initiate some sort of get together. If he doesn’t start talking more seriously in the next month or so, you might need to start pulling back and putting your energy into something else. Definitely keep us posted and come back to ask another question as things progress. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuz. And share on Facebook. Please help a fellow reader and take a moment to VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks.

  30. Hi guys, I would love your opinion on this. None of my friends agree and I’m confused. To make a long story short, I met someone last year through a work situation. We had amazing chemistry but a miscommunication led to us pulling away from each other and each thinking the other wasn’t interested. He reached out to me a year later and I was surprised but delighted to hear from him. We don’t live in the same state, but I happened to be visiting his city (everything that’s happened with the two of us has been full of odd coincidences) over break. Because it was the holidays, we only got to hang out a few times, but we had a great connection, and he was super communicative about wanting to spend time with me. I’ve been in flings before, and I’ve been in situations that were driven by physical interest, but that’s not what this was. I believe that we’d be together if I lived in his city, but I don’t, and to complicate things even more, I’m about to move even further away. Here’s my question: I’m returning for nearly a month this spring, and I haven’t exactly told him (he knows I’ll be back to see my family-at some point). Even though our time together was intense, there wasn’t any concrete discussion about seeing each other again before I left, though he hinted at it. I’m not sure either of us had any idea how to feel or what to say, and now, I wish I’d been more open when we left each other. It’s been a few days, and I’m wondering if I should communicate that I’d like to see him when I come back in a couple months. I feel like I’ll regret it if I don’t write him, but I also don’t want to scare him, or make him think that I’m trying to get him to commit to me so quickly and from half a world away. I just want to leave the door open, and let him know when I’ll be back, because he’s wonderful and leaving him and the possibility of us behind was painful. I would love your advice.

  31. @Torn……We’re not sure what’s holding you back?? Why wouldn’t you contact him? There’s nothing worse than regret. If you don’t reach out you’ll always wonder. And if you do, no matter what happens, at least you’ll know. So we say go for it. If it works out great, if not, be proud that you went for it. As per the communication. Just tell him that you’d love to see him when you’re back and then pass the ball to him. Let him be the one to follow-up. And keep us posted. Good luck! ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Thanks!

  32. Like Amy commented, i also am in a situation where ive recently sparked up with someone I knew when we were early teens and now we’re in our 30s. Recently I went to visit my hometown to see family and I made tentative plans to see him while im there and catch up and hang as old friends. Well one thing led to another and pretty quickly we had sex (and it was freakin amazeballs!) this was not our first rodeo. We’d met up about 10 years earlier on another one of my hometown visits and hooked up then (hooked up sounds superficial, without sounding too cheesy, I feel like dude made love to me). So after the recent visit, unexpected emotions got stirred up. I’ve always had some feelings for him but had pushed them aside bc i never knew if he genuinely had feelings for me too, we never officially dated. So after that hometown visit about six months ago we made plans for me to visit and go with him on a weekend camping trip, which I did and that was about 3 months ago. That trip was incredibly fun and it was great because I hadn’t spent that much constant time with him and it felt so easy and natural. After I got back from the camping trip, things got a little weird. I started getting mixed signals from him. Regardless, I visited my family and met up with him (sans sex) again over the holidays. So examples of the mixed signals from him: he’s said he wants me to move back to our hometown, he told me he wanted me to keep his high school ring for now, he sent me a pic of a friendship bracelet that i’d made for him 10 years ago that he still had. But then he turns around and says he rushed into saying he wants me to move back and he doesnt want me to move back home solely because of him and that i should date other people, but he thinks we have the building blocks for something solid. Also during a conversation we had post holiday trip i asked him flat out if he’d be willing to do a LDR he said, he’s sorry, but no. I know he’s been in a LDR before and he got hurt really bad. Im almost positive he genuinely cares for me (i’ve seen the way he looks at me and when we kiss there’s so much feeling behind it), but i dont understand why he can’t be open to date long distance. I guess as a girl i think, well if you like someone enough, you’ll want to try to be with them, and if you dont want to try and be with them, then you must not be sure if you like that person enough. At this point I don’t know how to proceed. Should I not contact him and wait for him to initiate contact so I can gauge his interest, or is it ok to contact him on a friendly basis and see if something possibly develops further and he changes his mind about LDRs. Is planning a low key weekend visit to hangout, out of the question? Is there any chance that things could possibly develop further or would we constantly find ourselves stuck back to where he doesnt want to do LDR and I can’t just up and move back unless I get some sort of partial commitment from him?

    What should i do?

  33. @Karen…..At this point he needs to be initiating pretty much everything. The problem is the distance and what distance does. (It can make a guy forget that he’s not sure and long for the woman. Hormones/horniness play a huge part of this.) And this is where your mixed signals are coming from. Of course he looks at you passionately because his body is firing on all cylinders. When things quiet down or you’ve had a day or two of being together he starts to be uncertain again. And the fact that he’s not willing to do a LDR is not a good sign. (We think his past is just an excuse) The best thing right now is wait and see what he does. If you keep getting mixed signals we would discourage you from moving. That said, the way you’d really know is if it the two of you lived in the same town. Then you’d get a good sense of how he feels about you on a day-to-day basis. Right now we’re not getting a great feeling. Thoughts?

  34. Ok, not to knock ya’lls advice because after all, it was me that was soliciting it, but let me make sure I understand you guys correctly. You’re saying that when he is with me and spending time together, he starts to become uncertain about his feelings towards me, but when we are far apart, he fools himself into believing he likes me more than he really does? If I’m reading this correctly, then I’m sorry, but I’ll have to politely say I think yall are wrong. If there’s one thing I’m certain of, its dude’s got feelings for me. Whether anything will ever become of those feelings, that’s what I’m uncertain of. Why he holds back from acting on those feelings, another thing I’m uncertain of. After some thought, I think I’ve corralled myself into playing the casual card and exercising patience. Whether this will ever go beyond passionate flings once every 5 years, time will tell and while the urge to press the issue is almost irresistible, for now, I’m choosing to curb my impulsiveness, and let the natural flow of events take its course. We’ll see how well this personally uncharted territory works…

  35. @Karen…..Okay Karen. Good luck.

  36. Hey Guys,
    I need your help. I am in a long distance relationship that is driving me crazy. I need the males perspective.

    To give you the background story my bf and I have been dating off and on for 3 years. Of and on because we could never decided if it was going to work. We worked in all the ways we should and that mattered. Meaning we loved each other, got a long great,and Idk how to say it we were just right for each other.The first problem we had is we didn’t define the relationship. At the time I wasn’t sure I was ready, and he has commitment issues. But we over came and made it official( after a long time). Once we did it went great, and we even lived together for a year. It started getting serious. So serious my family made me think of something I had never thought of how his religion could be a obstacle.I was afraid that would be the thing to seperate us since his religion requires him to marry some one with his religion. Well long story short it was something that broke us up. We tried to remain just friends, but we were just a couple as usual. Meaning we acted jsut like a couple, and could not resist ther urge to have sex lol So we talked it out and decided that wouldn’t stand in the way if we loved each other. Plus it was wayyy to soon for both of us to be worrying about marriage. My family just put that in our heads. We got past that, but than this is were we get to the long distance relationship.

    He was leaving because he was offered an all paid for internship in NY for nursing. He is trying to become a doctor. Any ways so when he was offered this so we had to decided if were were gonna stay together or not. I told him how I was tired of all this off and on again stuff. That either this year apart would be a year we fully commit and over come this obstacle. Or we could use this time to overcome and just be friends. I left it up to him because although would hurt was at a point I needed full commitment or that year would make the perfect time to get over him, and just be friends. He decided he wanted this, and didn’t want to lose me. I wasn’t a fan of long distance, but he is worth it to me. We decided it would we hard, but we would make it. The first few months were not that hard. We didn’t talk daily, but we had a few phone conversations here and there. We texted to check in, and it was good. We managed to keep things alive even sexually by phone calls, pics, and messages. Which was good because it built a lot of sexual tension. So lucky for us he got to come home after a few months for Christmas and New years. But after we went back again he got SUPER busy and we stopped talking. We didn’t even have text convos. I would text and get either a really late reply(meaning like 4-7 days later) or none at all! I started getting really upset. I know what it’s like to be busy, but I would make time for him if it was me. It made me feel forgotton and unimportant. So I ended up telling him we needed to talk. He knew that meant something bad who doesn’t know the famous “we need to talk.” Any way we talked and I expressed how I felt, and how it bothered me. He told me it was because he was super busy with this internship. That he would forget to reply back.I would tell him I miss him, and he said he missed me too but that this want killing him. He was there because he needed to be there. He said he would try hardier.But I haven’t seen any change. Is there any way of knowing if he is really that busy or if I’m just not a priority? If he is just that busy what can I do to make this work? I know he needs space and not to be the crazy gf. But I have needs to as a girl. I need to feel like I matter, and were not going to drift apart. I’m not asking for daily calls, but can I get a phone call, or a text converstation, or a skype date?

  37. @Clarisa…..This is a tough question. To us, it sounds like he’s drifting a bit, possibly shifting priorities. But you know him better than us. And do you really think his religion is not going to be a factor down the road? Where do you live by the way? How long is the distance? One question to consider: Why did he take an internship in NY instead of one nearer to you?

  38. ConfusedGirl // April 23, 2013 at 1:19 am //

    Hey Guys, there’s something that I would like advice on and I guess..I’m looking for some reassurance. So I met a guy 10 months ago he lives a plane ride away so long distance. We were introduced by our families and we hit it off..since we were introduced by our families the context was always a bit serious and we used to ask each other all these important serious questions about values, cheating our goals etc. Anyways we were really getting along and he came to see me a month after we had been talking. When I met him I wasn’t completely sure…I didnt feel any spark…but i did like him..a month later he came to see me again for a day (he was visiting nearby)…and this time i was still unsure as I wasn’t feeling that spark. Then 2 months later he came for a week and thats when I really started feeling something for him. After this time we told each other we werent seeing other people (but we didnt use the term bf and gf) and he always made the effort to call me and text me. However I don’t know what happened…i think I started to become a bit paranoid because it felt like he started going out with his friends more and more and he always texted me and called me it felt hurried and rushed. Its like we had an amazing month and then he started acting weird. Joking around that he would see me “potentially”..Felt like the guy went from giving me so much attn to me trying to get it. Following this I called him out on the fact that he was acting weird and then he was normal again…for a bit. Some days it felt like he cared but others it felt like “me and him” was the last thing on his to do list. He had said he would visit shortly after his last trip but a month turned into 3, 4 and 5. He has been contacting me everyday. We talk all the time share everything about our days…but it’s felt as if visiting me has been the last of his priorities. He’s always hanging out with girls and shares it with me…but it still makes me feel insecure. From the beginning i told him my concern with LDRs and that i would need to see him often. Every month he’s made the plan to come, he’s had to cancel. He didn’t even do anything for my birthday which was a bit hurtful…Basically he stays in touch all the time but meeting and doing little things for me has been non existent even though Ive told him it’s something i need. So this last week…he once again broke the news that his trip would have to be postponed till 2 weeks later…and I lost it. I asked him if he wants a relationship and his answer was that he’s not sure and this thought has recent;y come in his mind. That he likes me, sees this going somewhere, we’re kinda in a relationship (?), and even wants marriage in the near future (in general) but that work is top priority right now (he has a business that’s expanding like crazy and i know it’s stressful)and he’s just trying to figure things out in his head. After every serious convo we always end up joking and laughing and again start communicating lightheartedly however I can’t help but feel that if he’s unsure if he even wants a relationship what would be the point to communicate everyday…he says he’ll know soon if he wants a relationship he’s just working things out in his head but feels unfair for me to stay in touch saying good morning and goodnight and i miss you while knowing that he may not want a relationship. My thought has been to tell him to take the time that he needs to think about whether he wants a relationship or not before we continue…but not talking during this time. If he decides he wants a relationship I’ll meet him…if not well i supposed theres no point, though its hard to admit. I like him but he’s not giving this any time to progress anywhere…feels like he went from wanting something serious to something that half committed. I feel I have no rights as Im not an official gf but he kinda treats me like one. Seems like he’s taking me for granted when he hasn’t put in the physical effort. Though i can’t ignore the calls and texts..you know what i mean i hope lol. Do you think that this is a good idea? Do you have any ideas? Thank you

  39. ConfusedGirl // April 23, 2013 at 1:24 am //

    I forgot to mention…that he knows I’m a student and can’t afford to go see him but that I’ve been saving up…he on the other hand travels a lot and 3 times in the past two months has been on my end of the coast. Ive already called him out on that and he has admitted that he has made some mistakes that he tends to over commit to things…I’ve told him every single thing ive told you repeatedly but he doesn’t seem to take it seriously…hence why i feel like backing away a bit until he knows what he wants. The thing is…if I tell him I want him to take the time he needs to figure out what he really wants…he can drag it on forever. Ill never know. For me I feel if he doesnt know within a few weeks then that give me my answer…

  40. @ConfusedGirl…..Our initial reaction is that both of you are trying to force it, based on the way you met. (through family) We think you need to take a hard look at things. You didn’t feel a spark right away. In fact, the first two times you saw him you didn’t feel much. That’s not something you should just sweep under the carpet. And we mention this only because he seems to be balking as well. Which says to us that maybe this whole thing is something that makes sense on paper, but in reality just isn’t right. The whole thing feels forced to us. You. Him. Our advice: Ask yourself if you truly think you have genuine feelings for him or are they the product of you wishing you had feelings for him. As per him. This “relationship” is pretty low on his list of priorities. That should tell you something. Keep us posted. And good luck.

  41. SinkingShip // May 28, 2013 at 12:00 am //

    Hey guys,

    I’m going to try and make this fairly short. My ex boyfriend and I were together long distance for two and a half years. He was very much so in love with me. During Christmas of this past year we were both going through a lot of family drama and being upset, and I unintentionally looked like I was pushing him away from his friends, when in reality I was dealing with some stress. My bad, take total responsibility for that. A lot of his friends and family started telling him he should break up with me because they wanted him to go date and get “life experience.”

    Despite all this, he was head over heels for me and talking a lot about the future. He cares and loves me a lot still, but I’m pretty sure he’s not “in love” because he got too comfortable in our relationship. I send care packages, when I’m with him I don’t care if he’s playing video games for hours with his friends because I’m happy to be around him, etcetera. I try hard to be a good girlfriend, and wanted to make it work. Anyways, three months ago I saw him in his state, he hung out with me, talked to me more about the future, and was generally very happy to be around me. After this, about a month later, he broke up with me (during finals week. ouch).

    After THAT I was already supposed to be spending a week with him and had my ticket to his state, so I went anyways without canceling. I spent the week hanging out with other people I knew there, we hadn’t talked in over a month at this point, and I saw him the last day and a half I was there. Once he was with me, it was very clear that his heart has different opinions from his head. He talked about my moving there, he told me he hated dating and thought it sucked, and decided to get back together with me. I asked multiple times during that day and a half whether he was absolutely sure because I didn’t want to get hurt again and he continued to say yes. A week later, after many a bedtime call and lots of happy talking, he broke up with me again.

    A week after that, he called and apologized a lot saying he really screwed things up with me, but told me he still wants to go out and experience dating. I’ve talked to his friends before, and they’ve told me he’s said to them “I think I know…but I haven’t dated a lot of people, and I want to go make sure.” He’s only had two serious relationships. He’s 20, and I’m 21. I’m not looking to get married or something, if we did that I’d want it to be somewhere over 10 years from now, so I’m not pushing for something like that, I just want to be with him. Currently I’d prefer to throw a drink in his face, because what he did wasn’t cool, but I’m very much so in love, and while it may not be now, he’s still who I’d like to end up with someday.

    From how he acted when I was with him, it was very clear that he still loves and cares about me a lot, but in his words “I’ve heard dating is cool and that it’s something I need to experience and I want to experience it.” He’s also told me stories about parents friends of his that have gotten together after breaking up to date others in college.

    I haven’t been talking to him at all. The break up conversation and the apology are the only interactions we’ve had. What do you guys think is going through this guy’s head?

    Not only that, do you think that maybe he took me for granted and assumes after he does his thing he can come back someday because we fit together so well?

    I also spent a month after the first time breaking up reflecting on whether I was afraid to let go and change my life, or whether we genuinely fit each other. When we’re together, things are perfect. It’s easy to see how blinded he gets by how his heart feels about me, he even told me himself that when we were together he genuinely felt like he wanted to be back together. When we’re apart, he cannot handle the distance, and says that he needs to go get life experience.

    Do I just sail off into the distance and not look back? Help!

  42. @SinkingShip……You can sail off into the distance but our guess is that you will be looking back, at least for a time. We see this as a timing issue. He’s not ready for a serious commitment. He doesn’t have enough experience to know what he wants. He loves you and thinks you’re great, but he’s got this voice that says, “Well, how do you really know? You’re young? Go out and explore and really see what’s what.” And since he has this voice talking to him then he needs to do exactly that. If he stayed with you, eventually that voice would win out. So for now, let him go. You go do what you need to do. But we advise you to really set sail without him in your wake. No friendly chats, no communication, just the two of you doing your own thing. We imagine a part of you will always wonder about him, but truly try to let yourself move on and see what else is out there. Because that’s what he’s planning on doing. If the two of you reunite at some point down the road, then you can decide if it’s the right time. Of course you’ll both be different people. Who knows what you’ll want or need then.

  43. Virginia // June 10, 2013 at 6:02 am //

    I met this guy in college. I thought he was just another overly flirtatous, cocky guy hitting on me in an effort to score, so I initially blew him off whenever he would make comments that I looked good. We got to be pretty good friends after several months, though his flirting and physical comments never stopped. I just ran under the assumption that he was like that–very macho, good looking, smart, and absolutely knew it–so I flirted back and that’s always the sort of friendship we’ve had. He was dating another woman after all and I was seeing someone, so why assume he really wanted more? He was there for me through some pretty tough stuff though: cheating boyfriend, losing a relative, and the like. Seemed like we were just the ‘flirty friends,’ but were clear anything that could be construed as crossing the line into cheating was an absolute no-go.

    Flash forward two years to last fall. He’s doing long distance with his girlfriend and they’re on the rocks because of lifestyle differences. He was joining the army with intent to go carEer and she couldn’t commit to that. No chance of marriage meant no chance of continued relationship in his book. He told me one night that it was ‘on the way out’ and explained all that. Of course, it meant my (rather flimsy) reasoning for us never doing anything ‘physical’ enough (i.e. the no-go land from before) was about to vanish. He also made an off hand comment about whether I’d ever ‘thought of an us’ before, to which I truthfully answered that I actively tried not to because it was such a slippery slope. It would be too easy to start caring for a man who was taken and my good friend (though I didn’t think to add this part of the explanation until well after the fact, so I never said so to him). So the flirting continued, with increased hand holding, constant hugging, public protectiveness, etc. His relationship with this girl ended (“by the way…wanna be my girlfriend now?” jokingly stated over dinner as way of telling me). But neither of us really did anything towards entering a relationship except heavy hinting. On my part, I was too scared to be wrong about his intentions given the nature of our entire friendship and I suspect the same for him. The last couple months before we graduated, he started what I shall call the ever-so-frustrating-almost-kissing game, where he’d lean as close as possible and tell me he’d go 90, but I had to do the last 10. Gave him a quick peck one night on my way out and while there was no end to the teasing for a week (“find your courage yet scaredy cat?”), nada. So I told him, last shot, come over and kiss me proper or this nonsense is so over with. He didn’t disappoint–we spent the last few nights before graduation together. And then he was off halfway across the country with the military and we hadn’t actually openly discussed what this all made us.

    It took me about two weeks, but I finally asked him what we were. He said we weren’t because he’d been down the long distance road before a lot and time and distance made it something he wouldn’t do. A great idea while we were in the same city and if we ever were again, but not long distance. The convo got more vague then–I told him my job was easy to transfer lightly and he gave the typical, drawn out ‘yeah?’ We chatted for another hour. We’ve kept in touch with texting and calls since. He’s not great at electronic communication, but that’s always been true. He nearly always answered in the last month and a half when I’d text and called several times, which is pretty good considering I know he is really busy with work. But the ‘good morning’ and ‘good night’ texts from him and the continued flirting, as though he hasn’t said no to long distance, are frustrating me to no end now. I had hoped getting a straight answer about our status and my clearly stated desire for us to be more would stop that. We’re great friends. We’ve got great chemistry. Hell, we’ve basically BEEN in a relationship in all but name for the last six months, if you ask the average acquaintance of ours or even us. We’ve got careers that work well with each other. I’m willing to move. He wants me to visit and we’ve set a tentative date. This is the kind of thing that has the potential to really work out long term in my opinion, and he’s certainly made it clear he’s the marrying type.

    Bottom line, I cannot keep doing this undefined thing we currently have going. I’m a person who gets emotionally invested in someone easily and he’s a person who’s easy to care for–deadly combo that’s likely to end in a blow up that will be entirely my own fault for investing myself in a relationship that doesn’t exist. I realize I need to talk to him, and soon, but how on earth do I go about it without pushing him away? I think it’s safe to say he’s interested in me romantically, but I can’t get an unbiased read on whether or not he’s interested enough to commit. Input please!

  44. @Virginia…….Our knee-jerk reaction—and we hate to have knee-jerk reactions—is this isn’t going anywhere. On paper, it all makes sense. But in reality, he’s being evasive and non-committal. The long distance is just an excuse. And he’ll keep making others when the need arises. Basically he really enjoys your company, likes the sex, but wants to be free and single. Will this change? Who knows? We just think this is going to be one of those relationships people have that are never really defines, and never really resolved. In fact, the resolution lies with you rather than him. It sounds like he’s the kind of person that is comfortable with this type of undefined relationship. Right there is an example of your incompatibility. Remember: He’s got to see it the same way you see it. Just because you think it’s a perfect fit doesn’t matter. It has to be mutual. Good luck.

  45. Confused as hell! // July 28, 2013 at 2:29 am //

    ok, so there is this guy who is 3 years older than me. He is one of my good friends and vise versa. The problem is when i was 9 years old i left my country and came abroad. Although this didnt affect our friendship i find it hard to connect with him the same way i did. We both like some of the same things. And although im a girl i have interests in certain sports that he likes too and other stuff. I like him alot and have told him that! but he dosent seem to think im saying the truth. I dont know if he thinks that a long distance relationship will not work and therfore dosent want to get my hopes up? But i seriously like him,im quite sure im sorta in the friend zone but is there a way to make him like me or for him to get talking about this situation in a serious manner? Im aware of the fact that a long distance relationship has its own problems but, im willing to accept that! Even though he supposedly knows i like him, he still talks to me like nothing has changed. Plz help!
    Thanks GUYS!

  46. @Confused as hell…….We’re not sure why you’re confused. He’s not giving you any sort of reason to think he’s interested so we advise you to back off. Let him be the one to initiate. Otherwise you’re not going to know how he really feels.

  47. anonymous // July 29, 2013 at 12:36 am //

    Ok. so I met this guy online. He is two years older than me. I’m a junior in high school and he’s a freshman in college. We’ve been talking since January. It’s been off and on though. We talked from January to April, then stopped, and starting talking again in July. He is the first guy I have ever loved and I know that for a fact. He makes me feel so special. But I feel like he’s just using me for something. It’s almost like he wants to meet up, do ‘things’, then never talk to me again. He calls me his girlfriend, but he never asked me out? We tell each other we love one another. I’m always the one to text him first. It’s like 2 times out of 10, he texts me. In April, we stopped talking because of this huge fight we had gotten into. He told me he was busy and didn’t have to time to text people. I felt like I was getting bullshitted, so I didn’t reply to his last message stating that. I didn’t know how. I figured he would text me at least once during the whole two months we weren’t talking because he ‘loved’ me and I was his ‘girlfriend’ but he didn’t. I’m friends with him on Xbox Live also, so I knew he couldn’t have been that busy. He says I love you every night and calls me beautiful all the time. I’m a virgin and he always talks about me losing my virginity to him. I feel like that’s all he wants. But he’s always on my mind and I just need to know if I’m getting played or not? and why does he call me his girlfriend if he never asked me to be his girlfriend? What are we classified as? I need help please!

  48. @Anonymous……..Honestly, why are you online dating in high school? Our suggestion: Meet some guys in your own town. And go out with one of them. This older guy could be anyone. Maybe you feel like you love him, but you haven’t even met him yet. A lot can change when you’re actually around someone. He may or not be a player, but he certainly has sex on his mind. (As most 18/19 year old guys do.) Our advice: Move on from this and online dating. Date some guys your own age. And do it all in person. Good luck.

  49. Elizabeth // January 1, 2014 at 11:22 am //

    Hi, this is a great site for getting a perspective on a guy’s way of thinking, thanks.

    I have known a guy for eleven years, since university. He had a long-term girlfriend then, but there were hints of a kind of romantice friendship with me, though nothing happened. I liked him a lot at this time but ended up with someone else. Then we lost touch for a while until he e-mailed me 2 years ago asking how I was and how things were going. We met up in London for a coffee and had a catch-up but we were both pushed for time aand pretty nervous so nothing happened beyond us asking the mutual ‘are you single now?’ and chatting about life, the universe and everything. Then beyond a couple of texts saying that is was lovely to meet up, we left space for a couple of months until I invited himlast for new year 2012. He drove 60 miles to come up and we had an amazing time with my friends and some couchsurfers. That night we slept together. Then again, mutually, we didn’t get in touch until this week, basically because I’ve been sorting my life out, working and travelling and he’s been abroad as an Army lawyer. He again drove up, we went for dinner and had a fantastic date with a few drinks afterwards, very fun and playful yet also serious, discussing news events and philosophical approaches to life. He baulked when said my dad found it hard to accept that the Army should exist, and talked a lot about life and marriage and finding someone to settle down with and where we’d go next time we saw each other. We slept together again, and this time was so much more loving and sweet and caring. We sent a few texts the next day – he had to get back to barracks – and I got a NYE text with lots of kisses.

    I don’t want to push hard. We have such regard and respect for each other that I can see that starting something would be risky. But I at least,really like him and hope that a great relationship with lots of space and affection, which we both like, might happen. Any thoughts on where to go from here?

    Thanks.

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