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Text messaging, tears and betrayal

Dear Guys,

For the past week, my boyfriend has suddenly started receiving text messages from some girl that he says is just a friend. He gets off work around midnight and from midnight until about 2am they are texting back and forth. He says she’s much younger and having issues with a guy after having sex with him.

I began getting suspicious because after a couple of days it should have stopped. When he got in the shower, I checked his messages and saw her asking where he was and if they were meeting at the usual place. Before getting in the shower he replied, “Sweetie, are you there?” She began calling.

I was so pissed I confronted him and confessed to looking through his phone. He was calm the entire time and kept shaving.  I asked him why he would keep leading me on if he was in love with someone else?  He said, “You don’t know what you are talking about and you are thinking too much.” I pushed and asked if he lied to me about visiting his mom in the hospital. He got pissed and told me, “Fine. I’ll leave. I’m not coming back.” I went in the bedroom and slammed the door. I came back out and grabbed his phone threatening to call her. He snatched the phone from me and said, “You don’t know what you’re doing.”

I was defeated at this point and since I was taking a trip out of town in a few days I decided to focus my energy on preparing. I went to dinner with a male friend of mine and came home pretty tipsy and I thought I beat him home, but I didn’t.  He was standing outside and his face was red and he had been crying pretty hard. I walked up and he said, “I’m so sorry. I was so worried.”

When we got in the apartment, he held me and put his head in my lap. I tried consoling him, but I felt betrayed. Even during the night he cried in his sleep. I don’t know what to do. I know I betrayed him by looking through his phone, but I found what I found. Were his tears an admission of guilt?  I truly love him. I don’t know if this is grounds for a break up or if there’s a way to fix it?

Eve

Dear Eve,

Thanks for your question.

We’re sorry you’re going through a rough time right now. Betrayal is a very difficult thing to deal with, and also very difficult to recover from.

Curiosity is what drives people to snoop through their hosts’ medicine cabinet when they are staying for a visit. Suspicion is what drives people to snoop through their partner’s phone. We totally understand why you went through his phone, but once you do something like that there’s no going back. But we hardly call that a betrayal. Yes, maybe a breach of trust, but not a betrayal. Why? Because unfortunately you found the information you were looking for, proving that he’s been doing “something” behind your back.

We interpret his tears as you do: an admission of guilt. But they’re also likely tears of fear, possibly because he’s scared that you’ll break up with him. They could also be tears of sadness because although he cares for you, he ultimately knows that something isn’t right between the two of you.

Is his betrayal grounds for a breakup? That’s up to the two of you Eve.

Some questions you have to ask yourself:

Do I believe his story?

Can I trust him again?

Do I believe he won’t do this again?

Does he truly love me in the way I want to be loved?

What drove him to do this, and is that particular thing something that can be addressed?

What kind of man do I want to be in a relationship with?

Am I able to forgive him and move past this?

Eve, there are no rules here. People break up for much less, and people stay together after enduring much more. It’s all a matter of what you can handle, and what’s right for you and your boyfriend. We would suggest you start talking about these difficult, but important issues. You might possibly need a third party to get involved to help facilitate the conversation. (A professional counselor possibly.) Either way it all starts with talking. (One thing to consider. While you’re trying to sort out all of these questions you might want to steer clear of the physical side of your relationship. That’s only going to confuse you.)

Good luck. Please leave us a comment and/or a follow up question. We’ll respond in the comments section.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

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21 Comments on Text messaging, tears and betrayal

  1. Thanks guys. For now I have moved past it and have decided that if anything happens again that I will move on. I truly love him too much to break up right now.

  2. @Eve…..Thanks for letting us know. Good luck. Keep us posted.

  3. Hey Guys –

    This is similarish to a situation I have. I’ve had a few things come up with my long term boyfriend that’s brought up some trust issues. They’ve all happened over a long period of time, but have built up to the point that I’m now questioning everything he does.

    The first was in college, about 6 years ago, he made out with another girl after a party. I found out about it through a friend, but when I confronted him he denied it. I tell myself that I love him and want to be with him, so I’m going to trust him and not this random girl who has a reputation for causing trouble and lying. Then four years later he came clean and told me that she kissed him. I was furious, and tried to make it clear that more than anything I was mad about the lie, and not about the action. It happened during one of our shaky times early on, and even the day before he suggested we “take a break” (very Ross and Rachel). So I decided it wasn’t worth ending our relationship over, and then tried to move on, and rebuild the trust.

    Since then I’ve caught him in a few other lies. Once he told me he was going to a movie with a guy friend, but instead went with a group of girls, including one he knew I was jealous of because he was interested in her before dating me, but she shot him down and they became friends. The next was recent. He does some amateur photography, and is into taking pictures of people. He takes photos of pretty much anyone that is willing. I found out recently that while I was out of town he invited a girl over to our home to take photos of her (all clothes on, not seductive at all), but then hid it from me. I found out when I saw her comment on his FB page I noticed her profile picture looked like something in his style. I confronted him about it, and then he came clean…sort of. He told me she came over with another girl to study (he is back in school), and they decided randomly to do the photo shoot. This was about a month ago. Just the other day he left his email open on my computer. I snooped. But did discover that he planned the photo shoot. Seemed even more shady that he planned the whole thing and did it behind my back because he knew it would make me jealous, and did it anyway. Obviously seemed shady to him as well and that’s why he didn’t tell me the whole truth. When I ask him why he doesn’t just tell me the truth from the beginning, he says because I have a short temper and get overly emotional about everything. Okay, truth time, I am a bit short tempered, but I am truly working on it, and trying to be reasonable.

    Today I come home late from work, and ask about what he’s been up to. He went to dinner with the girl from the photo shoot after class. I get pretty jealous and mad. As we’re talking she sends him a text. It’s a picture of a pair of boots. Apparently they talked about her looking for new boots over dinner. (Seriously, does she not have girlfriends to discuss this with?) He loves girls in boots. He thinks they are hot. So at this point I am demanding he show me the picture, which he finally does, but only the picture. Then I start to question why he wouldn’t just show me the texts. I ask if he doesn’t want me to see the texts because there is something in there he wants to hide. He says “no”, of course. He also mentioned that he told he we are fighting, and then refused to tell me anything further. I believe that if he is talking about me with someone else, and it’s not a therapist, I have the right to know what he’s saying. I believe I have the right to know anything he says to anyone, and that we shouldn’t keep anything from each other. But maybe that’s just me? In the end, I came back and apologized for getting upset that he had dinner with this girl, since it really isn’t that big of a deal. But I am still pretty pissed that he thinks it is okay to hide things from me.

    One thing I haven’t mentioned is that while drunk he told me he would “probably sleep with her” if we weren’t together. Did I mention this is his “best friend” at school? He keeps telling me that they are friends, “really good friends”, which I find irritating because I don’t think anyone enters “really good friend” status until they’ve met your long term significant other. Which she has not.

    SO, here are my questions.
    1 – Does this seem like a person that is shady overall and going to continue to lie to me/hide things from me?
    2 – Is he hiding his texts because I recently snooped, and he’s pissed about it? Or is he hiding them because he has something to hide?
    3 – If it does seem like he has something to hide, does it seem like he could be cheating?

    Thanks, Guys. Any input would be great.

    – C

  4. @C…..Sorry this is so confusing and upsetting. The two of you are in a vicious cycle. He does something suspicious, (or you assume) you get upset, he denies, you get more upset, he gets upset, he does something else, either because he’s upset at you, or because he truly wants to, and it goes from there. Does that make sense? This is what you need to find out. Why is he doing things behind your back? Is it because he doesn’t feel he can talk to you, or be open with you because you’ll fly off the handle, or is it because he’s truly trying to be sneaky, and lie and cheat? The dynamic of your relationship is clouding the whole issue. Your questions.1 – Does this seem like a person that is shady overall and going to continue to lie to me/hide things from me? We do get a sense he’s hiding things from you. He’s young, and maybe he isn’t ready for a committed relationship. He might love you, but he’s likely feeling the pull of freedom, to be able to explore what he wants to, when he pleases. 2 – Is he hiding his texts because I recently snooped, and he’s pissed about it? Or is he hiding them because he has something to hide? Both. (That’s just our opinion.) We look for patterns in behavior. You’ve told us this has been an ongoing issue. (Maybe infrequent, but still ongoing.) So we have to think he’s hiding something. It’s hard to say to the degree.
    3 – If it does seem like he has something to hide, does it seem like he could be cheating? Betrayal comes in many forms. Is he cheating? Hard to say. Does he want to cheat? Possibly. We’re not mind readers, but he’s certainly creating situations that could lead to cheating. Overall, you need to talk to him about what he really wants. We’re assuming he’s at college and you’re not. Or you’re at different schools. You know, that’s not easy to pull off. Long distance relationships are hard enough, but especially at a younger age, and during this life stage. Tough stuff. You two need to have a heart-to-heart with no drama. Make him be honest about what he wants. Don’t accuse, or get mad. Sometimes relationships just run their natural course. Sometimes people break up and get back together. Sometimes people work through difficult issues and find themselves in a better place. It’s hard to say how this will go, but you need to get the conversation started. Right now it feels like you’re trying to force something that doesn’t want to be forced. Your thoughts? ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks. We appreciate it. Spread the word on Facebook or wherever.

  5. During this past summer I became friends with a guy who had a girlfriend. I knew he had a girlfriend, so I tried not to get to close to him, but somehow he got my phone number and texted me often. We texted each other for a few months, just in a friendly manner, but when he started asking about my personal life I cut him off, and told him I needed a break form texting. Then he started texting me again, and since it wasn’t so personal as before I continued to reply because we have a lot of things in common (education, friends, and interests). However the dynamics totally changed recently when I asked him for his notes for a class he took, which I am currently taking. He agreed, and gave me his notes. However he texted me and said I owe him, so I was like ok I’ll figure out a way to make it up to you, he replies sexual favours. I was shocked, told him it was very inappropriate and have cut-off contact with him. He keeps texting to apologize and blames his friend for sending this text. He also keeps trying to convince me to remain his friend. The thing is should I believe him? My gut feeling tells me not to, but it’s hard because his friends are also my friends, so I can’t avoid seeing him. My other friend also told me he things I’m cute. Thanks for your advice.

  6. @J…..We’re curious. If this guy didn’t have a girlfriend would you be interested in him? That might help us answer your question. Or it would certainly impact our answer. Let us know and we’ll get back to you.

  7. No I’m not interested in him. I only want to be friends with him. I am currently single, and I do want to find a boyfriend, but not with him. I admit perhaps I liked having someone to count on. He replies to texts and phone calls and he’s been dependable. But I feel guilty being friends with him because he has a girlfriend, and the few times I’ve been a group situation with them both, he ignores me, and basically pretends we aren’t friends. It’s getting confused. At this point I haven’t replied to his text messages.

  8. @J….Well this seems pretty simple then. He’s being completely inappropriate to you, and to his girlfriend. If you’re going to be his friend you need to set very clear boundaries. If he’s not going to adhere to those boundaries then it’s probably best you don’t remain friends with him. (You see him only when you have to.) Basically, he’s into you, and his using his girlfriend in the meantime. He doesn’t realize that his behavior is not very attractive to a woman. Or maybe he does now but it’s bit too late for that. Let us know how this progresses and what you decide to do. ps. We’re hoping you’ll share our site with friends. Or on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, or wherever you frequent. We’d appreciate it. Thanks!

  9. I apologize in advance for the length of this e-mail.. I just need some straight forward advice… and out of all of the “guy advice” websites I’ve found… this website seems to be the only one that “was honest and logical.”

    I went through a similar issue… with a slight twist.

    My ex-boyfriend (as of a week ago) and I dated for approximately 3 months.. then become “official boyfriend and girlfriend”.. for 2 months…. so our entire relationship lasted 5 months. I am 24 and he is almost 27. We both have full time jobs, independent adults, and pretty self-sufficient.

    I had just gotten out of a relationship that had no trust… and it left me pretty jaded. Prior to meeting me, my boyfriend was a playboy that has a lot of charm and wit. We randomly met and hit it off. It literally felt like destiny (as a cynical people, this meant a lot to us). We took our time and fell in love.. He introduced me to his family, told his friends I was the one, his friends loved me, and we spent a lot of time together. Without my asking, he gave me the passwords to his e-mail and facebook. I did not give him mine, I asked him but he stated that he found that offensive and did not need my passwords.

    I have a lot of male friends, which made him uncomfortable, so I always included him when I went out. He once confronted me about a significant male friend, lets call him D (that I had a history with), I reassured him that he has nothing to worry about.

    I was really sick during Christmas… he took care of me… D texted me to wish me a Merry Christmas. I replied to D and informed him I was sick. D wished me well and that was the end of our conversation. I went to shower and I guess my boyfriend noticed the text messages and snooped through my phone while I was in the shower. He confronted me about it, by asking me why did I lie to him. I was on medication and was unsure of what he was talking about , let alone what day it was. He eventually told me. I told him I understood where he was coming from (D has had a huge crush on me for quite sometime, but was aware that I was in a relationship, so he never crossed that line)… nonetheless, I understood where my boyfriend was coming from… so we agreed that it would be best if we both did not contact people from our past (ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends etc). He asked me if, I wanted him to contact his ex and tell her not to contact him. I told him, that I trust he would take care of it and not contact/reply to her.

    Later on that day, my boyfriend accidentally called me his ex-girlfriends name in front of his family during Christmas dinner. His ex-girlfriends name and my name begin with the same letters… but do not really sound the same. I know that he had not been emailing her because I had access to his emails…. but I did not know whether or not they were texting. I was upset… but got over it. He apologized/cried etc.

    This event made me feel insecure (full disclosure: it was also my first month on birth control….. and my hormones were everywhere… my boyfriend and friends even stated that I was acting “differently” while on birth control. I went to my doctor and was told I can get off it in a week). While feeling insure and hormone crazed… I snooped through my boyfriends past emails… (1-2 years back).. I always known he was a “ladies man”… (it was an on going joke.. that my boyfriend must be in love because he brought a girl to meet his parents during a wedding and to sunday dinner)… but I did not know HOW much of a ladies man he was… to make matters worse.. some of the things he told these women… were similar to what he had told me (none of these women were ever his girlfriend, some even lived in diff countries)… but it just made me feel even more insecure. So I told him I snooped… and I told him it bothered me that he did not call me baby (he did not call me babe or baby.. or any nicknames… he stated that he felt that was phony and fake)… I told him it bothered me that he told these girls similar things he had told me (ex: the universe conspired for us to meet)… while I understood that these were just words… and actions matter most.. still stung. (I will add, my ex-boyfriend did show me many actions that supported that he loved me …. actions that he never showed those women {mostly because they were in another country})…. Again, I am the first girl in years he had introduced to his entire family and friends.

    My problem with snooping became worse… I became addicted to making sure he was not doing anything behind my back… and it was became he sometimes did not communicate clearly (he would hold things in.. then explode… his anger was slightly scary… his logic went out the window when angry… he sometimes would ask for my phone randomly… because he was feeling insecure..).. to add … he had a history of cheating on his last gf (they were together 2 years ago).

    I would find things on his phone (pictures of the random girls he met while on vacation 1 year ago etc)… womens underwear in his room…. all of which I know he probably forgot he even had… (the thong was years old… like from the 90s… it actually made me laugh).. but it all got to my head. When I asked my boyfriend how come he didnt take many pictures of us.. etc.. he broke up with me.. he told me that its ridiculous that I was snooping through his phone and became upset about a picture… I begged him to come back.. and we decided to stay together.. a few more occasions occurred similar to this…. each time he broke up with me.. I begged and cried.. and he cried….

    Until last week Tuesday… I decided to snoop on his phone bill… I noticed that his ex girlfriend (the one we agreed not to contact).. texted him and he replied… back and forth… they exchanged several text messages. I did not know what the content was because all I can see was her phone number on the phone bill. I was furious. Especially because he made me feel really guilty for wishing D a merry christmas.

    I called him and told him to drive to my apt immediately (hindsight.. I shouldve waited to approach him). He was really upset because I would not tell him why was he driving 45 minutes out of his way). When he arrived… he was furious… but listening. I calmmmmmly (I emphasize this because it took a lot of strength in me not to yell).. asked, “Remember the agreement you and I made in December.. I’ve kept my half of the agreement, have you?” — he blatantly, lied to my face and said, “yes, he had kept his half.” I told him that I snooped through his phone bill online and that I know he texted her earlier that day. He was FURIOUS because I went through his phone bill.. he stated that, “he himself doesnt even know how to check his phone bill online.” I told him that I apologize for snooping but that he broke out agreement. For an hour… this went back and forth. At one point, he told me it was my fault because I told him not to contact his ex to tell her not to contact him (back when we mad our agreement). I told him I am not foolish and that he is just trying to turn the table around on me.

    Eventually he apologized (I have to “bring him down from the anger”).. he suggested he called his ex in order to clarify what they spoke about (because he deleted the text messages). I told him, yes to call her in order to clarify. He told me, it was an hypothetical suggestion and that it is embarrassing for him. I asked him, then why suggest it… eventually he did call her and confirmed that they were discussing a nightmare she had about him and talking about protein shakes… and he told her not to contact him again. He did it… and she asked, “oh no did I get you in trouble?” and he stated no…

    Following day:

    I received an e-mail from him apologizing and stating that he doesnt want me to run away from him.. that he understands why I was ignoring him .. he loves me.. he feels nauseous because of what he did… etc etc.. I was at work.. so I did not read this email until hours later. I was not trying to ignore him. I called him.. he did not answer… hours later.. he told me he just finished dropping off one of the kids from soccer practice (he is a soccer coach).. I thought this was fishy because soccer practice ends at 8:30.. and it was now 10:30…. he also went out every night (which did not bother me because he would always call me when he got home.. or let me know where he was at). SO I went on his email to snoop because I wanted to make sure he wasnt talking to his ex again… I messed up with his password too many times and it blocked me.. he received a suspicious e-mail alert). He called me and told me he was at a certain bar… I told him I knew he wasnt because he usually enjoyed going to another bar on Wednesdays… he accused me of GPS tracking him (I informed him that I truly was not and that it was impossible to do that through email or facebook or a phone bill). (That night he was out with a disgruntled married man .. whoms wife tracks him.. and I feel that .. he added more fuel to my boyfriends fire). My boyfriend continued acting defensive.. while I apologized for snooping again.. I told him that my defense mechanism was high due to him lying to me just the previous night… he would not calm down… so I politely told him I was done with this conversation.. and I said good night.

    Two days passed by (we were supposed to hang out one of the nights)… but we did not talk… one or two “hi. how are you?” texts and that was it.

    Friday night.. I went out for a friends birthday.. and had a little too much to drink. I drunk dialed him and yelled and basically made up a petty fight.. (I was honestly just missing him and upset that we did not hang out and had not spoken much for two days). He was out with his recently single (and dumped) friend… and his other single friend.. that has no clue about women.

    He texted me after I hung up on him and told me that “this was over. that I have a lot of personal growth to do.. that he wants to stay friends but I am no longer his girlfriend.” I was devastated and drunk.. and called him a bunch of times.. he told me, he would talk to me when I was sober.

    The following morning…. I called and called… eventually around 1 PM.. he told me he was leaving his friends house and would call me then… we spent 2 hours on the phone of me begging… he then had to “talk to his parents” and will call me back later…. 2 hours later.. no phone call.. so I called him.. he said, he was busy and would call me right back… 20 minutes later.. he called… we were on the phone for another 2 hours of me begging.. I can hear that he was texting … (his phone ring would go off)… he was sticking to his guns.. he said he did not want me to be his gf.. that I was the complete package.. and he loved me still but that he had to think logically here… he bought up arguments from the past (the picture, the emails etc)… I told him he had not been perfect either.. but that these are petty things people work through.. he said he had tried enough… he mostly made it seem like it was my fault for not being able to trust him. He did mention the lying to me… once. Again, he is very stubborn and prideful. Throughout the conversation he was stating that he was doing what was best for us. That we were no longer working.. we admitted that we both wanted a family together… and had never felt this way about anyone else in our lives.. (we both are very cautious people.. that do not jump into relationships).

    His best friend was calling him on the other line.. and I asked him to stay on the phone with me.. he picked up the other line.. and I hung up. I called him again.. he did not pick up… 2 hours later he texted me are you ok? I never replied.

    The night I drunk called him.. he erased me as “in a relationship status” and put that he was single. I unfriended him. During our conversation Saturday.. I told him I was not able to be friends with him because I loved him too much (which is something he had once told me he felt too… not being able to be my friend because he loved me too much).

    It’s been one week. No contact. He changed his profile picture..uploaded new pictures (his fb is unfortunately mostly public)… and friended various girls.. etc. He said a lot of things out of spite (“My friends were right” “no more GPS tracking” “We can stay friends” “my parents cannot believe this because I treat you so well”)… he also brought up the point that it is too early in our relationship to be having these fights… I agreed.. but I also believed that these are things we can overcome (I did not snoop for 3 weeks.. and then got a weird feeling.. hence why I checked his phone bill.. then found that he was texting his ex gf).. he even acknowledged (during these 3 weeks [I also got off birth control] how he felt so happy again.. like he “won his girl back”)… I also understand that the context he and his ex gf discussed was nothing serious.. but the breaking of an agreement means a lot to me.. especially after how guilty he made me feel, in regards to D.

    I am working on my trust issues. I begin therapy next Friday. I have started doing hot yoga again.. and am writing more. I know I have a lot of issues to resolve… specifically regarding trust. I would’ve not jumped into a relationship with my ex… so soon after my previous relationship… but my ex was different… I dont believe in fairy tales.. but he and I always stated… how “right” it felt.

    Am I at fault here? And should I completely move on from him? He has his own issues too.. but he is SUPER prideful… he had told me before that he would meet people and leave them…

    Part of me feels like he broke things of because of anger at the time, intoxication, and being around his single friends… and is too stubborn and prideful to call me and admit this… he seems to be moving on.. it hurts to think that someone I had never felt so sure of…. just “walked away.”

    Some of my friends think.. he was hiding something… who would become so defensive and lie about such dumb things…

    I am seeking advice in order to know whether or not I should move on… or fight for this (although I think he should be the one to contact me… I begged for four hours….)… he has yet to return my items… he said he would return it this Thursday.. Thursday came and went without a word from him… He also recently became facebook friends with my BEST friends boyfriend (they both kept in touch through texting… because they love soccer).. I havent mentioned this to my best friend.. because I dont want to put her in the middle of it.

    What should I do?

    If you read all of this – THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

  10. @Madison…..That’s quite the story. Our gut feeling: This is a lot of drama to be having right at the beginning of a relationship. Relationships are built on trust. Your relationship started off with a total lack of trust. Neither of you should be accessing each other’s phones/emails/etc. Sure, we can understand in this day and age why you’d want to do that, but it’s no way to begin a relationship, especially since the two of you were talking about the future. We’d suggest you don’t do that in the future. Our advice: We understand you have some trust issues of your own and it’s great that you’re going to therapy to work on things. However, it’s also important to know the type of person you can be with. Maybe he’s hot, exciting, fun, but that doesn’t mean he’s right for you. We’re not telling you what to do. (You’ve got to make that call) But what we’re saying is that you need to think hard about the kind of guy you want to be with. Being with a good guy you can trust, and who you know is going to be loyal and honest with you is crucial, especially for someone like yourself who already has a hard time with trust. Something to think about. And you know, not all good guys are boring! Good luck.

  11. Not sure where to start. I just broke up with my boyfriend of 5 users. We have done this several times. I’m not sure why I’m even hurting cuz i don’t feel he even deserves my pain. We started as friends and always had do much fun together. So we hooked up. In the he was seeing me and another girl. I got tired of that and removed myself. He came after me saying i was the 1 he wanted so that was good until he went back to her without telling me. I found out and cut off contact with him. He came begging back, promising and wouldn’t let up for 3 months and i finally agreed. I’m not perfect and have my issues but he has not worked in the 5 years. He lives with his parents and what they don’t do, i do. I support him while he lives with them. I pay for his phone, food, etc. I have caught him in NUMEROUS lies, he beat me up once while he was drunk and kicked me so hard, i lost hearing in my left ear. Again he wouldn’t let up on begging til i gave in. This last time, i was going online to pay his phone bill and saw that he was testing a girl with a very bad reputation from 12 am til 6 am nonstop. Right after i left his house. All of a sudden she is his cousin lol I’m still hurting but i need to be strong and get out of this. Right? And how do I do that? Why risk losing a great woman?

  12. Sorry for the mistakes. T9 lol i should mention he is 32 years old and i am 39. And that was supposed to say….i saw online that he was getting a girl from 12 am til 6 am. He said she was fighting with her boyfriend and was scared so that’s why he was getting her all those hours till early morning. I guess their text magically kept her safe. And after being around her and her ex on many occasions, he just came up with…. she is my cousin. In 5 years i have never heard that and i know all his family and on every other occasion of meeting his family, he would always introduce them as… this is my cousin, uncle, aunt, etc but never did with her til he was in trouble. Then she became his cousin lol

  13. Again….T9 mistakes. Where it says GETTING is supposed to say TEXTING

  14. @Tracie…..We’re sorry. This sounds tough. We think you know what you need to do but don’t have the strength. Have you sought professional help here? Domestic abuse services? Social services? Counseling? Etc. That would be our recommendation. You deserve better than this.

  15. Thank you. You are right that i do know what i have to do. After taking a few days, my old strength and logic is coming back. I took your advice and start counseling next week. Don’t want to make the same mistakes in the future. I already feel lighter and happier than i have n years.

  16. @Tracie…..We’re glad. Take care and keep in touch.

  17. Anonymous // May 4, 2013 at 3:25 pm //

    Hey guys I also have a very similar situation that happened very recently. My boyfriend of five years, who I moved in with a year ago was acting extremely suspicious one night lying about who was texting him. Up to this point I has no doubts about our relationship. Since his lying was still bothering me I checked his phone and found sexually explicit texts mostly on his part. In fact this other girl practically said nothing back. When I confronted him about it he said it was a joke that him and “this person” had. I want to forgive him and do believe everyone deserves a second chance and he had admitted what he did was hurtful and it won’t happen again, but I feel that if we can’t talk about a deeper reason behind this than “it was a joke” that it will keep nagging at me. And crazily enough I kind of do believe that it actually might have been a joke… But then her responses didn’t seem jokey or sexually welcoming either!!
    Driving myself crazy! Everyone has been telling me if I’m going to forgive him I need to do it and move on and stop bringing it up. Advice?

  18. Anonymous // May 4, 2013 at 7:37 pm //

    I think I mis-entered a number on my email address on my previous post, not sure if that matters. Also I want to know if the fact of whether or not his saying it was just a joke is even important, or if it should just matter that I believe him when he says it won’t happen again? He really won’t say much at all about the specifics of the texts (of which I read all) or why- which is the thing I want to know most- why he did this!! He seems to think the less he says the better, and that’s just frustrating to me.

  19. @Anonymous……You’re not moving on because it’s still bothering you. You think he’s lying. We tend to agree with you. We’re not saying he cheated, but he was doing something. And some people might consider his behavior cheating. So the question isn’t, “Can you forgive him?” The question is: “Do you believe that he won’t do it again? And can you truly trust him?” Sometimes people love each other but certain qualities just don’t jive. This could be the case here.

  20. Texting can truly be a both love weapon (sexting) and a deadly one, even more so when the message is sent to the wrong person. We find these funny at times, like the post made on where messages for gf/bf are accidently sent to parents or what not. But I’m in a similar dilemna where it’s more cheating suspicion…my bf of a year (in September) has more then once sent me texts where it has no connection or even related to our conversations. At first I would tell him “wrong person babe” and sometimes even joked around saying “wrong girlfriend, I’m Liz” he laughs and says it was meant for me but I never understand what the message meant so he explains. We speak/text most in Spanish and because we’re from different countries we have different dialects, so its normal for me not to understand or misinterpret some of things he says to even though I can clearly read it.

    So the problem now is that recently we got into an argument. I’m always suspecting he is cheating on me cause of a past incident that happened before we became a formal couple (exclusive) but I’ve never had or do have hard evidence that he is cheating. He says he isn’t and that I’m the only one always. So after our recent argument, I texted him after getting home apologizing about my behavior and that I was going to drop the drama cause it was useless getting upset over something like that (he would kiss me at his house, didn’t want me to sleep over, and when I told him I was horny he responded with saying he was tired –long story short). His respond to this text was & I quote “Yo tambien te quiero & mucho :-*” translation, “I love you too & a lot :-*” No where in the previous apology text did I say I love you or anything, I was looking more of a respond of “it’s okay love…just get some rest and we will talk tomorrow …or… I will make it up to you…” sometimes like that, what he usually responds. I immediately flipped out cause it just seems like that small I love you text was not meant for me…his argument is that it’s a “Salvadorian” thing and that I’m not use to it yet…I know we are from different countries but our dialects are not that far off that I don’t know what an I love you text means…should I worry or let it go?

    I care for this guy a lot but this isn’t the first time it happens and it’s usually not a big deal that I always making nothing out of it cause like I said, there is no hard evidence like in the other girls situations where is more obvious. As far as evidence goes through texting, I’ve seen him erase texts from girls so I wouldn’t read it and supposedly get the wrong idea. Stupid sh*t like that bothers me because I don’t even look through his phone unless he makes it a big deal that I even touch his phone. Advice please!!

  21. A friend of mine has severe issues with rejection stemming all the way back to her adoption. She has a lovely family and a mother who would do anything for her but she has issues none-the-less. The reason I bring this up is because she tanks and sabotages all of her relationships. It is like she tests her friends or boy friends by annoying them so much they are forced to choose between their own sanity and sticking by her. She is in therapy already.

    Well, I am an independant woman. Married, baby, house, cars, dog, the whole nine yards. All women have crazy times in their lives where they get dumped and do a little bit of “stalking.” I have moved beyond that life though, but my friend hasn’t. She keeps pushing herself into relationships and then incessently texting the guys. Calling them if they don’t answer her texts. She uses sex to try to keep them. After three days of sex acts/begging/fighting they finally dump her. She then proceeds to cry/text/call them and eventually goes.to their house for “answers.”

    I try to tell her what she is doing wrong but she says I need to have her back and reiterate that these guys were jerks who only wanted sex. Truthfully, this has been going on for 4 years with at least 3 guys. I’m tired. My baby needs me. My work is suffering. She is seeking so much attention from me that I might explode and reject her too. How would you guide someone who has no clue how to interact with men without annoying them? And then how do you make them realize that once you are dumped the guy will NEVER want you back? I really wish texting didn’t exist any more.

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