The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about FWB (“Friends with Benefits”) and Booty Call: 

Are we “friends with benefits” or does he want something more?

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

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Alright Guys,

It’s been over a year since my ex and I broke up. We had a really strong connection but things only lasted for a month. In that month he told me he loved me and eventually I did too. I lost my virginity to him, so pretty much everything just moved way too fast. I broke up with him because I found out my grandma was dying from cancer and I was just a wreck. For some reason, I acted crazy. I admit that I pissed him off a lot.

Since the break up we have gone through many stages. (Cycle) He’d be mean. I’d ignore him. He’d text or call. I’d finally talk to him. We’d hook up again. Then he’d get a girlfriend. I’d get confused. He’d break up with her. I’d ignore him. Then we’d talk to clear the air some more. We’d fool around a little, etc. I’d get more confused.

Finally after this went on for a while he asked if we could be “F… Buddies.” I told him I had to think about it, but I knew deep inside that I loved the idea. He was the only guy I have ever been comfortable with physically and emotionally. Sure I’ve slept with a few guys since the break up but nothing ever felt right. I was joking and told him, “If we do this you can’t fall in love with me.” And he said, “Remember we tried that already and it didnt work?”

A week went by and he texted me and we decided to hook up. It was the best sex I’ve ever had. We didn’t talk for a while and then we saw each other at the club that we met at. This is where I got completely confused. He was all over me. (He would normally never do that in public.) He was holding my hand and constantly hugging me. Every time I would go to the bathroom he would kiss me; he had his arms wrapped around me constantly, and he wasnt trying to be sneaky. AHHHH I dont know what that means!? Being “friends with benefits” usually means emotionless sex and I just feel like he was being way too affectionate.

He is the most confusing man in the world. He asks to be my “F… buddy” but he’s only really attempted to contact me about hooking up once; he doesnt make any effort. So I need help; should I end this? Does he still have feelings for me? And why does it seem like he’s the only one who gets me? Is he just lonely?

Pleaseeee help, this has been going on for a year and I’m going crazy!

Ella

Dear Ella,

Thanks for your question, or rather questions. We’ll try to help you sort this out.

Based on many of your statements you seem to have conflicting feelings swirling inside you. On the one hand you say you want emotionless sex, but on the other hand you seem like you really want to have a deeper connection with this guy—you say ‘he’s the only one who gets you.’ So which is it? “Friends with Benefits” or deeper relationship? That’s what you need to ask yourself. Be honest. If he came to you and said, “Ella, I love you, and I’ll do anything to show you how much, let’s give a real relationship a try” what would you do? Would you be excited? Would you run for the hills? Which? Those answers should determine your course of action here.

Having said all that we doubt he’s going to come to you and say anything remotely romantic. In fact it doesn’t seem like this guy is ready to get serious about anything. He’s too busy trying to keep you off-balance, and frankly he’s doing a damn good job at it. If you really want to be involved with him on any level, be prepared to be confused and frustrated.

Also keep in mind Ella that this guy was your “first.” There’s always something extra special, or certainly extra memorable, about any first. First kiss. First Crush. First Love. First Sexual Encounter. Those memories stay with us forever and they impact all of our seconds, thirds, and fourths. But don’t kid yourself and think he’ll be the only guy you will ever have amazing sexual chemistry with. In fact we would contend that with an actual emotional connection added to the mix, you might even have a more intense physical connection with someone new.

Lastly, if you’re agreeing to have a “friends with benefits” relationship with this guy in hopes that he will eventually come around we think you should rethink that course of action. That’s a recipe for a broken heart.

There’s lots to think about Ella. The biggest question should be about what you want, not what he’s thinking. Please feel free to ask us a follow up question. And please leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. Readers, please jump in and give your opinions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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46 Comments on The Ex Files; friends with benefits?

  1. There’s this guy I still can’t get over. I lost my virginity to him. At first he asked me out, but his ex was in the way so I told him i wanted NSA and just be FWB. We were FWB even when he started dating his ex. We continued it until i felt emotional strings forming. Like him taking me out to eat and shop, meet his family and go to family occasions, and one night sleeping over he watched and kissed me on the back of my head while i was sleeping.I ended it. He later broke up with his gf. Months past, then we rekindled our lust. We would go out on dates, he would pick me up, and cook for me. He was showing me that he cared by coming over my place when I was lonely and then he sleptover for a week just hanging out with me. I dont know if he wants something real or it was all FWB??

  2. @Anne………You need to talk about it. If you’re having sex already, then the topic of what the relationship is, is up for discussion. If this drives him away then you’ll know that it was always just a FWB arrangement to him. You should watch our video on the topic. Check out our video page.

  3. This guy asked me out, but in the end i just wanted to be fwb with nsa. We would get physical but nvr emotional. Then he starts dating but we continue being fwb. Then he starts forming strings by making meet his family and go on family occasions(his own gf hasnt met his family), cook for me, pick me up,take me out on dates,buying me stuff, sleeping over just to keep me company, and all this sweet things. But i wanted NSA. Is he still FWB or something more.

  4. @Louie…..Sounds like he wants more with you. If you only want a FWB arrangement you need to be clear with him. No strings attached. Is there a reason you’re not interested in more? Is it the place you are in your life or is it him or is it something else?

  5. Lauren Whitlock // April 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm //

    I was with my ex for 5 years until in January he broke up with me giving many reasons as to why this was happening. we start talking again in February me thinking i was over him gets into another relationship that didnt work out. I then started hanging out with my ex and we ended up sleeping together and now we are considered friends with benefits .we have been friends with benefits for 2 months almost three . at the beginning he said he wasnt wanting a relationship, and there may be a possibility of us getting back together but him and i had things to work on individually first. since then him and i have talked everyday and we hang out once a week sometimes i spend the night at his place. He still seems very protective of me and territorial when i mention someone else talking to me or me going out with friends he starts asking alot of questions. I’m confused as to what is really going on . I’m also confused as to weather or not i should tell him that i never lost my feelings for him and i still love and care about him and would like to turn the friends with benefits into a relationship again . He admitted to me in the beginning of all of this that he still had feelings for me . I’m just scared and worried that if i come out and tell him how i truly feel that i will lose him all together. please let me know what you think

  6. @Lauren…..So what’s worse? Staying in a perpetual “Friends with Benefits” arrangement, or letting him know how you feel only to lose him? It seems clear that you really want something more with him, and eventually you’re just going to become resentful if it doesn’t head that way. So we say the sooner the better, with no guarantees of course. Let’s talk about his behavior. Just because he’s territorial doesn’t mean he wants more. We’re not saying he doesn’t, it’s just that that is not an indicator. Guys are territorial about any woman they are sleeping with regularly. No need for competition. And the thought of someone else dipping themselves into the same place they’re dipping isn’t something they want to think about. Have you watched our video on FWB? You see, it’s hard to move from a FWB arrangement to something more serious, especially if you went from something serious, to a FWB, and now want to get back to the serious part. It’s not impossible, but it’s not likely. We think it’s best to come clean now. It may not work out, but delaying it isn’t going to make a difference. In his heart of hearts he knows what you want even if he plays dumb. So he may act surprised but you won’t really be surprising him. (This is one of the reasons we think FWB is a bad idea especially for women.) We hope this helps a little. Keep us posted as the situation progresses. And feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. Good luck. We hope it works out for you.

  7. I was with my ex for 6 years when he decided to go back to college… Out of state. We stayed together long distance for 4 months, then after a horriable visit, I decided to break it off.
    We didn’t have much contact after the break, just a text here and there to let the other know we were thinking about them.
    After 5 months of this, we got back in contact. I revealed to him that I still love him and want him back. He stated that he still cares for me, but now is opposed to the long distance idea. But, if he were to ever move back home, it’s not something he wouldn’t consider.
    After a couple of weeks of contact, I flew up to see him. Since neither one of us has been sexualy active with anyone else since our split, we were making this a fun sex visit. We both had a great time, he even started calling me by the pet name he always called me while we were together. As well as initiated hand holding and things of that nature.
    The day I returned home, he informed me that for the next 2 weeks weeks he will be busy studying for finals, and could not afford for any distractions. I did send him a couple of quick e-mails to let him know he was on my mind, and he responded the same day, but with exceptionally short 1 sentence. Which I chalked up to him being busy studying.
    I haven’t attempted to contact him what-so-ever, in about a week. Today was his last day of class before summer break. He will be back in town for a week or 2 at the begining of next month. (So I hear from a reliable source, he hasn’t mentioned this to me) I really would like to spend time with him while he is here. But, now due to the absense of communication, I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve just been fooling myself
    or if he is trying to politely blow me off. He did give me a time frame, but I didn’t realize that there would be no contact initiated by him during it. I would like to call him, but I don’t want to appear desperate or clingy. How long should I wait before trying to regain communication? Do you even think he’s interested?
    I feel so confused. Please advise… Thanks!

  8. @Lynn………So let’s see if we’ve got this right: you’ve gone from a committed relationship to a FWB relationship and now you’re hoping to move it back to a serious relationship. But things are a bit murky. Here’s the thing Lynn. The fact that at one time you were intimate with each other makes a fun weekend of casual sex very possible because you are already familiar with one another and you know what to expect. For a guy who’s not sure what he wants this is the absolute perfect situation. But for a girl who has started to feel like trying again it’s the absolute worst situation. Because having fun sex with him isn’t going to help move things forward. It’s actually going to keep things right where they are because he doesn’t have to do anything, especially if you’re flying to see him. The best way to know if he’s really interested is to let him take some initiative. Which you’re kind of doing right now. And what’s happening? Nothing. Of course when he arrives home we won’t be surprised if he contacts you for a fun evening or two, but frankly this is once again just perpetuating the fact that he views you as a comfortable Booty Call. (Sorry, we hate to say that, but we’re just trying to look out for your best interests.) Our advice: Let him take the initiative. Stop the sex until he starts stepping up to the plate with his communication. And let him drive this for a while. If he doesn’t then you’ll have your answer. The final thing we’ll say is: You need to think how long you’re willing to wait for him. And do you truly want him back if he drags his feet. Good luck. Keep us posted and feel free to ask us a follow up question. Also, please let your friends know about us. Thanks. And finally, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page. Some good guest writers contributing. Take care.

  9. We are classmates in a master program in another country. We had been in a relationship for 2 months but it was an official one. Everyone in school knew we were couple, I met all of his friends. We had a great time, spent time outside, studied together and talked all the time. One night, we hung out for dinner, went to a cocktail lounge, played game and then ended up having sex that night. I lost my virginity for him..My mistake here was I showed all emotional feelings which made him feel guilty of having sex with me. He acted distant the day later. I was so worried and made another huge mistake by being clingy and crazy. Now I know it is a HUGE turn off. We finally broke up. It was hard for me, because I saw him usually, we went to the same school. After that, he suggested FWB, he said that it was obviously my choice. I still love him, and really want to enjoy his company, so I went to it. I realized that he only talked friendly to me when he wanted to meet up and have sex. All the other time, I felt that he was reluctant to talk to me. We usually talked online during hours when we were dating.
    Now, he went back his home country for summer vacation. I haven’t talked to him for 10 days. I miss him everyday but I’m trying to get over him. However, I know, when I see him in school again, I may say YES if he ask me to come over. How should I do?

  10. @Katy…..What do you mean? You know he’s using you for sex don’t you? Like you said, he’s only nice to you when he wants you to come over and have sex. So here’s what you can do: You can say NO the next time he contacts you. And you can move on and hopefully meet a guy who respects you and loves you the way you deserve. Don’t settle just to be with a guy. Take care of yourself and feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime.

  11. I Started dating this guy about a year ago it was going fine and then we had the talk and he told me he didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t want to be in anything half-assed so I said fine lets just be friends. After that he kept contacting me and we would hang out but never got physical until one day he mentioned dating again. We started dating again and hooking up and then again a couple months later he said again that he wasn’t ready for a relationship because of where he is in his life and we should just be friends. It made sense because our relationship wasn’t that great because I wasn’t fully convinced he had changed so I emotionially held back and he was holding back as well. So now i’ve gotten the sense that he isn’t into me enough to put an effort into a real relationsip. But it’s happening again! He keeps initiating contact with me and asking me to hang out. I make sure I never initiate contact or anything because he rejcected ME. I still feel like he’s pursuing me…he’s asking me to drinks, to hang out with him and his friends, he asked me to be his plus-one at a wedding. I’ve refused him when he wants to hook up I don’t want to be friends with benefits. Why does he keep putting all this effort into me? Does he just need filler girlfriend? It’s difficult because I still have feelings for him so it’s like a big tease. Recently I went out of the country for a couple weeks and he sent me e-mails and wanted to make sure I had a ride home from the airport when I got back. His actions are confusing me.

  12. Maybe he just needs a friend? i don’t know.

  13. @Tara……We’re sorry. We see how this could be confusing, but it’s not. (At least to us) The fact is, he doesn’t want a relationship with you, but he does want something from you. Sex. Why is it on and off again you might ask? It’s possible he’s checking out other possibilities and for whatever reason during his “dry spells” he contacts you again. He acts all nice, sweet, etc. but he’s really just after one thing. We think you need to try and move on. He’s playing you. ps. Check out Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir” to hear her take on guys like this. Here’s the Introduction. The first two chapters are fascinating, and well worth the read. Let us know if you have any follow up questions. Sorry to not be able to give you a more positive reply. Hang in there.

  14. @Tara…..read our reply.

  15. Thanks Guys I really appreciate it. It’s easier to deal with things when its just put out there for you. I have a follow up question which Im pretty sure I know the answer to but need it to be told to me again. After we broke it off the second time I said I needed space and we didn’t contact for a few months. But ever since then he has always contacted me at least once a week, there’s never been a period where he hasn’t tried to stay present in my life, and after a while he confronted me about the fact that it was always him initiating contact and hanging out, and he seemed to be offended that I wansnt putting much effort into the friendship. Is this just all to keep me on the backburner? and confronting me about not holding up my side of the friendhip just guilting me into staying on the backburner? Thanks for your help I finally feel like i’m not going crazy.

  16. @Tara…..Now he wants a friendship? That doesn’t make sense. So: You’ve made it clear to him that you want, or wanted, a relationship, right? And he said he wasn’t ready, right? But he still contacts you, and tries to keep you in his back pocket during dry spells, right? And now he’s trying to make YOU feel guilty for not initiating contact with him? So you need to ask him, for what? Why would you contact him? To let him know you’re available to him whenever he pleases? It’s time to move on Tara and be open to new possibilities. There are plenty of good guys out there, who will be interested in getting to know you.

  17. I met a guy in college and we dated for 5 and a half years. We broke up a few times but always got back together and stayed together after college when we moved to the same city for work. We had been having some problems but nothing unworkable in my book and while we were making plans to hang out one night he threw out the “we need to talk” line. We ended up breaking up and he moved out of the city a few months later. We were no contact for almost 7 months until I called him on his birthday and left him a voicemail. I didn’t expect to hear back from him but I did almost immediately and we talked for over an hour. We had a few other serious long conversations over the next 2 months talked pretty much every week. We had both said we wanted to see each other in conversation and started texting and flirting again so finally I told him we either needed to stop this back and forth or see each other and talk about everything.

    He agreed we should meet but then said he just wanted to see each other as friends and didn’t want this to be a step towards getting back together. I told him a few days later I couldnt be just friends and that I didn’t see the point in continuing to speak if he was putting limits on where we could take things but he said he still wanted to come visit. Now we’ve picked a weekend but havent been talking much.

    What’s the deal? He’s supposed to visit next weekend. Is he really over it? Or is he trying to limit expectations?

    I’d get back together with him if he was open to it but I’m pretty confused about why he’s visiting still if he’s so adamant about not working it out.

  18. @Sammy………Are you sure he’s not visiting for sex? Because otherwise we don’t see the point of him coming. He says he just wants to be friends. You say, you’re not interested in just a friendship, so the only reason we can see is that he’s thinking, maybe, just maybe, we’ll hook up. (Maybe it’s been a while for him.) What do you think?

  19. i have this close friend of mine. we actually got close when we accidentally kissed during a trip with friends. from there on we sort of had this FWB thing. and since i’m still a virgin, we agreed that we’ll stick to oral sex. until i decided to go all the way… at the end of the day, i kinda told him that i was disappointed and was expecting more since it was my first time. i know his ego just got trashed and he said it himself. but at least i was honest! right?! or not?! shouldn’t he be more motivated/challenged to do better next time? now he’s so down and sad. and i think he’s mad at me. he won’t even talk to me. i really didn’t mean to hurt his ego/feelings. what should i do?! will things be the same or not?!

  20. @mars…..He’ll rebound. But we’re assuming he’s young, and probably inexperienced. (More inexperienced than he realizes.) So be kind. Try to reassure him that you’d like to try again. (If you actually do, and if he’s willing) It sounds like you might have been a bit too blunt. Next time think carefully how you want to word something that’s potentially hurtful. Being honest is great, but there are ways to say things without hurting others. You could offer suggestions for him? What he should do next time? What you like, or what you’d like him to do? One note: It often takes couples some time to really connect in the bedroom. Hope this helps. Feel free to ask us a follow up question anytime. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  21. yeah it was harsh. i just need to hear it from a guy’s perspective. anyway, we talked about it and told me i should be more sensitive. good thing we’re still good, as friends and FWB. well, lesson learned. thanks guys!

  22. @Mars……You’re welcome. Take care and keep in touch!

  23. So I posted earlier in this thread about my ex coming to visit even though he said he didnt want a relationship. He messaged me the night before saying he didn’t know if it was a good idea to come because he didn’t know if we should see each other. I am not interested in playing that back and forth game so I said ‘if you’re 100% that you want nothing from me don’t come but i can’t make up your mind for you’. He ended up visiting saturday evening, we grabbed dinner and he was nothing but sweet. met me outside the restaurant, very complimentary, looked for opportunities to touch me and paid for our meal. when we were about to leave he asked if i wanted to grab another drink and paid for that as well. We texted about meeting up after we both went out with our own friends and he ended up coming over the next morning around 7am. We did make out but nothing out of control and we slept until about 10:45am. He had to go back to his hotel and check out so he left and said he might come back but when he got to his hotel he called me and asked me to come down there and meet him for breakfast and see his room (he was upgraded to a presidential suite). We hung out for another few hours, and then I went with him to the train station, we said our goodbyes and agreed we’d be in touch and see each other again soon. What’s going on here? It seems he’s more open to seeing what happens between us than he was letting on. Am I reading too into this?

  24. @Sammy…….He’s definitely giving you mixed messages, at least before he visited. We’re reading this as you are. Now that he visited he seems somewhat open to seeing where things go. So why not go with it? Is that your plan?

  25. Guys I think that’s the plan. It will obviously take time but after being together for so long I think its worth letting it take its course. Glad I’m not seeing something that’s not there though! Thanks 🙂

  26. @Sammy….You’re welcome. Good luck and keep us posted.

  27. Back again. My ex was in town again for his friends birthday. After his first visit he texted me 2 days later asking about my week and we’ve talked on the phone a few times. I haven’t really initiated contact so all last week I didn’t talk to him and was a little confused I hadn’t heard from him but it turns out he lost his phone. He asks if I tried to text or call and when I told him I didn’t he seemed a little upset. Anyway he shows up at my apartment after spending time with his friends. This was all coordinated through texting me from his iPad which honestly seems like a lot of effort to see someone you’re not interested in. Then when he gets here he keeps asking me if I’m glad he came and if I really didn’t try to call him. He’s all touchy feely and cuddly but it’s been 4 months of talking and I’m tired of the weird middle ground so I asked if we could talk. I told him that being his friend was too hard and that it’s not fair or healthy for us to maintain a casual relationship and he agreed it was hard for him as well. But when I said we needed to stop talking he got all upset and started making up reasons like maybe we went too fast or maybe we should talk more about this because he didn’t want to stop talking to me. He seemed genuinely hurt and surprised when I told him I couldn’t have him in my life and said that he thought the topic warranted further conversation and we should finish talking later this week. I don’t get him. We live in different cities and have too much of a history to get back into the dating game but he doesn’t seem to be able to commit one way or another. I’m open to working things out and even eventually moving to his city but im starting to feel like this is going to turn into a never ending loop. Help!!

  28. @Sammy…..But did you talk specifically about the possibility of trying again? It seems like you keep skirting the issue, and not really saying what’s on your mind. Is that true? There’s only one way to find out for sure; just say it directly, even the part about relocating etc. (Although the idea of relocating just for this relationship is risky. It would be nice if you had an additional reason to move to where he is. A job perhaps. Or other friends, etc.) At this point we don’t see the downside in talking with him openly and honestly. Things aren’t going the way you want them to anyway. At least not yet.

  29. We kind of ran out of time before we headed down that path because he had to catch a train. After he left this weekend he’s been messaging me about his grandfather in the hospital and keeping me updated on his progress. I thought that was a good sign until I asked if I could come see him to finish the conversation and his response was “I dont think thats such a good idea”. I told him he really needed to think about why he was leading me on for 4 months if he didnt want me in his life. He wants to talk next week to finish our conversation. What did I miss here? It goes from spending great weekends together, him seemingly concerned that I felt I couldn’t have him in my life and wanting to keep me included on personal family matters to him not wanting me in his space and being closed off and non-committal.

  30. @Sammy…..We’re sorry. It’s hard to say what’s going on, but his flip-flopping behavior is a red-flag and something you need to consider even after you talk. Is this the kind of guy you really want to be with? Someone who isn’t going to be consistent? It might seem trivial but it’s not.

  31. Hey Guys,
    So I have an Ex from over 15+ years ago. We were both just some dumb kids in our teens that had no clue what a relationship was about. Lust if you will. Lol. Anyway, I will try and make this short. So we’ve always seemed to run into eachother some way or another. It always ends up to be exchanging numbers, then meeting up maybe dinner, dancing, night walks on the beach & then possible hook ups here and there. So recently we ran into eachother again, Shocker! Lol. I tried to totally ignore the whole awkward convo & him altogether. Needless to say it ended up to be the exact same thing. Talking blah blah blah. He gave me his number. Which I did put into my phone but later decided to delete it. A few days later he calls. I was shocked he had my number. I must have hit send while entering the night he gave it to me. Anyway he called to see if I wanted to go out. I expressed how it wasn’t such a great idea given the fact we have been down this road before etc. I told him I’d think about it. Well stupidly, I thought about it and decided to go out to dinner with him. It turned out to be a much Greater night after all. However, we both still have a very very intense physical attraction. Here’s the thing, Its always me that seems to wined up getting emotional involved. Ya know, old feelings resurfacing. I just can’t be friends with benefits with him for just That! I feel like now that we are older and have such a great time we could turn it up a notch. I just dont think its mutual thing. Why do we always seem to run into eachother & it turns into this? How do I stop it, do I tell him how I feel in hopes he does too? Or just continue fwb and see where it goes.? Just don’t wana be crushed when I find out he’s really just not that into me. Or maybe I already have……….

  32. @Venus…..How do you stop it? You just stop it. But before you do, we think you need to tell him how you feel. Continuing a FWB arrangement is not going to get you anywhere. In fact we’d cease and desist on that as soon as you can. (You can do it.) But you do need to talk to him. Worst case scenario: He’s not into you the way you’re into him. Okay, that wouldn’t be great, but at least you’d know now and not waste a bunch of time on something that isn’t going anywhere. And if you don’t say anything you’re going to be kicking yourself about it. Last thought: Right now he’s getting exactly what he wants—at least it sounds that way. It’s possible he might want something more, but not if things keep going the way they’re going. Communication. It’s all about communication. So get talking, and keep us posted as this progresses. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  33. @ the Guys..
    Ok I’m going to do what you said. I think it’s pretty safe to say, I think i may already have my answer. Nothing with “FwB” ever turns out to be relationship status, at least not in the theater. Lol. Best thing to do is to be honest with him and myself & move forward. I guess the reason why I’ve been throwing this around to myself and you is, knowing he will have to be completely out of my life. Which means, the times we randomly bump into one another. Just keep it moving?!. I myself have a hard time with this. I mean don’t get me Wrong, the anxiety of it all will be difficult on my end, but I can deal. He however, can be a little obnoxious with it to the point where he’s trying to talk to me and get my attention. If you know what I mean. So as you said, it’s time to let him know he can’t have his cake and eat it too! Thanks so much for your advice. I will certainly keep you posted on the outcome.

  34. @Venus……..You definitely understand it intellectually, but sometimes putting that knowledge into practice is a lot more difficult, especially if he’s pestering you to get back with him. (FWB we mean) So be honest, be strong, and if it comes to that, move forward. Take care and good luck, and yes, please keep us posted. Ask another question anytime.

  35. Yeah I understand that his behavior is a serious issue, I guess I have just waited a long time for answers and never felt like I was over him so when he did start coming back into my life I tried to keep a level head. I was patient for 4 months, not pushy with talking about things and then when we did try to talk about it and he had to leave HE was the one who said he thought we needed to talk further. I asked him to set aside time Monday to talk and I never heard from him. It is taking every ounce of will power not to reach out and tell him what a selfish ass he is but I feel like I just can’t give any more of myself to this situation. It’s like has long as he’s distracted with something at home he can pretend I don’t exist. I can’t tell if this is a case of him using me or if he’s honestly confused and can’t handle the decision he has to make.

  36. @Sammy….Well, hang in there. And take care. Keep us in the loop.

  37. Hi guys,
    I’ll get straight to the point lol, I’ve been friends with benefits with a dude for the past almost 4 years. It’s worked so far, but recently he’s told me he’s dating the girl he’s going to marry.
    He said he wants us to carry on talking till he’s engaged (don’t know when yet, but he’ll be engaged within a year). Once he’s engaged we’re going to definitely stop.
    However, ever since he’s told me I’ve not been enjoying things as much with him because in the back of my head I always remember that there’s another girl in his life that better than me, and i cant enjoy myself knowing I’m not number 1 (sounds dumb lol)
    Anyway, half my brain really badly wants to stop right now before I end up hating him, I think its been awesome and I’d rather end on good terms. Plus hanging around waiting for him to get engaged is going to be painful for me and do I want to go through that?
    The other half of my brain wants to hang in there till he’s engaged (god knows when) and ‘make the most of him’ in case I never come across a guy like him. Plus I know I’m gna miss him once he’s engaged so I feel like hanging around, its gna be difficult either way…
    Some help please?! :-/

  38. @Hanna…….Seriously? First of all we’re not big fans of FWB for this very reason. (Check out our video on the topic. Go to our video page on our website.) It probably came as a surprise to you that he had this other girl in the fold, and that you weren’t his number 1. But this happens a lot actually so don’t feel badly. However, why would you want to be with a guy who you really care about, but who doesn’t care about you in the same way? You deserve better honestly. This is about self-respect. Don’t settle for this kind of relationship. You may think this guy is amazing, but is he really? He basically is having his cake and eating it too. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? Our suggestion: Move on immediately and try to find someone who will love and respect you just as you love and respect him. Do you have any follow up questions? Keep us posted on how this progresses. And take care of yourself. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks! We appreciate it.

  39. @the guys, You’re absolutely right, this is about self-respect and I’m worth much more than this! I’ve ended things with him and now I’m on my way to becoming a much more awesome independent person 🙂
    All I have to do now is remain strong, wish me luck! Thanks!

  40. @Hannah…We wish you luck. All the best. And keep in touch and let us know if we can help in the future. Or just let us know how things are going.

  41. @theguys

    I’m fwb with my ex. We first were fwb, 5 years ago, then after some time out, seeing other people we hooked up again 18 months later. But about another year later, he wanted more and we were together, met friends,family, kids etc. We split up. And although we tried again a few times it did not work. Recently we started hooking up again, he was direct about not being in right place for a relationship and that’s cool with me. But he also wants, daily phonecalls, txts regardless of hooking up. Movies at home or out. Dinner. He now says he doesn’t want me just for sex, and we don’t have to always when meeting up. I have reminded him I’m not his gf, and that we are just fwb. He then said ‘why would you say that?’. For me, I know he’s probably just enjoying all the benefits of a gf without the gf. But I wish he could just keep it to business. None of his family or friends know he’s seeing me. What’s the best way to put this to him without making it sound like I’m asking for more? It’s just easier for me to not be bonding in any way, especially given our history..

  42. @Dianne…..But what is it you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with him again even after your “storied” history together? Why don’t you just ask him directly why he’s crossing the boundaries? Ask him if he’s having second thoughts? And does he want to try again? And question for you: Why do you think it will be different this time around? As per your question: If you don’t want to bond in any way you should stop the FWB arrangement and move on. We’re not big fans of FWB because of the confusion that it creates. (Watch our video on the topic. Go to video page)
    Your thoughts?

  43. Hey guys!

    Ok, so here my question goes. I’ve been in this “Friends with benefits” relationship, or whatever you wanna call if for about 1 month and half, he went to school with my older sister and i’ve known him since i was 7, but we never talked or anything, werent friends etc. Until one night when I was working, he came in with some of his friends and immediately I recognised him and we started chatting, banter etc…he gave me his number then left. I text him like four days later, and we start texting everyday from then on. So we arranged to meet, we did and we talked about what we wanted etc and we both said that we didnt want a relationship and that sex would be just fine. I was ok with that. So that night we have sex. We meet up every week usually, go for a drive, chat about random shit, have sex, etc. But in between he’ll text me, either when he’s working etc, asking me how I am, or how my day is, if im doing anything exciting etc. Then one night he said ‘you can stay at mine’ so I stayed round, we had sex and we spooned the entire night, like he cuddled right into me. I’ve just come back from holiday and the week that I went away, we were texting everyday, he was asking how my holiday is etc, if i’, having fun bla bla bla, then my cat recently died and he would text me everyday asking if I was ok and if there was anything he could do to make me feel better, he said when we next meet up we can just hang out and not have sex, he said we’ll have a cuddle and a chat. Then we couldnt meet up because he hurt himself during some football game, and said he was really sorry and I was like “Ok. Get better” then he asked if I was angry at him, I wasnt angry. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IS he worried about me being angry at him?! Also whilst I was on holiday he kept saying “oh bring me back something nice, surprise me”. So I bought him a present, text him saying I did and he said ‘he was only joking’ but then I said ‘I would take it back’ and he said ‘No no no, don’t do that’….is he just being nice? Or am I reading into th!
    is too m
    uch? Like most girls do?!

    We text everyday, he text me at 2am and asked if I was still awake, cus he was bored and wanted to chat?! WTF?! Also, this gonna sound rude but when we have sex he pays a lot of attention to me, like how i’m feeling or he’ll kiss me a lot etc.
    Then all of a sudden, he’s stopped texting me. I haven’t seen him in two weeks, last time I spoke to him was 4 days ago. WHAT DO I DO? I’ve been through too much heart-break in my life, too much of it and he knows this, i’, honest with him but I don’t know what to do. Should I end it before I get my heart broken or should I speak to him.
    Does he like me? Is he just being nice to keep it sweet, or is he being friendly?

    Harry (HELP!!!! I’M GOING CRAZY!)

  44. @Harry….Well, this is why we don’t love FWB. Too much chance for confusion, hurt and resentment. (Watch our video on the topic. On our video page) When guys say they want to have no-strings-attached sex—FWB—they actually mean it. They’re able to compartmentalize sex and emotion. When women say it sometimes it starts off with good intentions, but usually starts to change because emotions and sex are too closely tied for the fairer gender. (You) So now you’re in this situation where you’d really like a real relationship and now you’re not sure how to proceed. Let’s start with his behavior. Spooning and cuddling are all part of FWB. It’s all part of the “dance” for guys, even after the “deed” is over. It assures a connection, and assures that they’ll get to have sex with you again. Beyond that it doesn’t mean much. When a guy wants a relationship with a woman he’ll take her out on proper dates; he’ll introduce her to his friends and family; basically he wants the world to know he’s dating this new person. When a guy doesn’t want that, all encounters will happen in the bedroom, or at least in his or her apartment. Maybe they’ll be a random outing for Chinese Food or something like that, but it won’t feel like dating. So that’s what we see here. And the fact that he’s dropped off the planet is probably another indication that he doesn’t want more, or that he may be moving on. We’re really sorry. We know you’ve said you’ve experienced heartbreak before, and we know that’s hard. But maybe this is a good opportunity to take a hard look at the guys you’re choosing or the situations you’re putting yourself in. That’s all part of the equation. Harry, you deserve better. You deserve to have someone who loves you like you love them. But part of that comes with your choices, and part of that comes with the other person. Does this make sense? What do you think? We hope this helps a little. Let us know what you’re thinking. Take care.

  45. Hello, I am very confused. I’ve known this guy since elementary and he was always a good friend (he’s 4 years older) it started one Halloween night when we were just hanging out and we ended up sleeping with each other. It’s been going on for years and it doesn’t matter how many months or years pass by but whenever we bump into each other it’s like we’re kids at a candy store. We’ve had conversations and hes told me that back then he felt bad cause it was like he used me and than after sleeping with each other after some time he started liking me but I moved again and was gone for about a year. Than we saw each other at a friends party and we ended up sleeping with each other again… Sad part was I didn’t even know he just had a kid a few months from when I saw him.. He’s cheated on all his ex’s because of me… he even tells me he doesn’t feel guilty being with me because it’s just hat feeling of knowing it’s so wrong but it feels so right. I’m so confused. I can’t say no to him and we’re both sexually attracted to each other. It’s been going on for almost 8 years and I don’t understand him… am I just that girl that he uses for sex?

  46. @Josalynn…….So are you kind of waiting around for him? Are you always single when you reconnect with this guy? And how do you feel about him cheating? If you really think about it, who’s to say he wouldn’t cheat on you if you were his girlfriend? So fill us in some more about these things. When’s the last time you saw him? Was he still dating someone else? Do you live in the same town/city?

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4 Trackbacks & Pingbacks

  1. Friends with benefits? | The Guy's Perspective
  2. I cheated on my “Friends with Benefits” guy and now he hates me | The Guy's Perspective
  3. I want a real relationship, not just a sexual one | The Guy's Perspective
  4. Friends with Benefits with my boss? | The Guy's Perspective

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