The mystery of guys’ feelings; how do you know when a guy wants more?

Do you have a relationship, dating or sex question? Choose the Ask a Private Question option to book your private conversation with THE GUYS. Want to read what other clients say about us? Visit the Relationship Coaching/Advice page to read testimonials.


Hey Guys,

My question seems kind of the opposite to the kind I keep finding concerning Friends with Benefits; so I thought I should ask: when is a guy hinting he might want more than casual sex?

I got into a no-strings-attached deal with a really hot guy, thinking I could get a trustworthy and reliable lay without having to worry about his well-being otherwise; and for a while everything was going peachy.

However, I’m starting to worry that he started the hookup with ulterior motives; thinking (correctly I might add) that I wouldn’t want anything more from him since I just got out of a long term relationship with a friend of his.

So what are the warning signs? If I watch a movie with him, cuddle with him, or stay the night after we hookup, am I leading him on?

I was under the impression that as long as we aren’t seeing each other except on the nights we plan on sleeping together, we are keeping proper boundaries. However, my girl friends seem to think he’s looking for something more and I’m enabling that.

I could really use a guy’s perspective on this one! How affectionate is too affectionate in a casual relationship?


Dear Harli,

Thanks for your question. And you’re right, it’s not what we expected; however it does happen from time to time.

Cuddling is not a tell. For guys that’s usually part of the “getting laid dance.” We’ve had lots of questions where women cite cuddling as a sign that the guy has deeper feelings for them. However, that’s not necessarily true. Cuddling is certainly a sign that a guy might want more, but it has to be coupled with other things. Those are: Taking a woman out on dates, introducing her to his friends, and announcing to the world that she’s his. (Not in a creepy way, more a proud way. Although this could be difficult because he’s friends with your ex. He wouldn’t want to announce to his buddy that he’s sleeping with you.) By itself, cuddling is a way to ensure more sex at a later time.

Now, in your situation, cuddling could mean something more because he’s friends with your ex. And herein lies the tell. The fact that he’s hooking up with you even though his buddy was in a relationship with you says that it’s possible he’s more serious about you. Why? Because guys will do everything they can to avoid having sex, or a relationship with, a woman who’s slept with someone they know or even worse, a friend. Just the thought of their buddy being intimate with their woman is enough to give them the shivers. But since he’s ignoring those feelings, this makes us think it’s possible he’s more serious about you. (One note: There is a subset of guys who actually relish the idea of sleeping with their buddy’s girl. A kind of alpha thing, a dominance thing. But that’s a small percentage of guys.)

Staying with this thought, there’s also kind of an unwritten rule that says guys won’t mess with their friend’s exes. So factoring in all of this, yes, it’s very possible he’s into you. He’s risking a rift with his buddy by sleeping with you. And when you add in some of his other behavior it’s very possible he might be thinking more seriously about you than you’re prepared to deal with.

The easiest way to figure this out is ask him. Why don’t you? What are you worried about? If you really don’t want a relationship with this guy then you need to clarify the parameters again. Otherwise you’re creeping into dangerous territory, where people get confused and upset. Yes, typically it’s the other way around—the woman wants something more—but either way, it’s never fun when someone gets hurt.

And this brings us to our final thought. We don’t really encourage FWB because this kind of thing always happens. It’s inevitable because sex is very intimate. (Check out our video on the topic. On our Video Page.) So question for you Harli: Are you sure you don’t want something more with him? Maybe it’s worth thinking about?

Be sure to leave us a comment below. Or ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. And have your friends comment as well. We’d love to hear their opinions.

Good luck and keep us posted,


ps. Please share our site with friends. Thanks. We appreciate it. We’re relaunching later this week with a brand new site and lots more to check out. Interactive/etc. Come back.

Read other posts about Friends with Benefits. FWB

The Ex Files: Friends with benefits? 

Are we friends with benefits or does he want something more? 

Booty call or relationship trouble 

Divorced and now online dating: Am I booty call or more?

I suggested friends with benefits; did I just dig myself into a hole?

Friends with benefits; why me?

Friends with benefits? 

19 Comments on The mystery of guys’ feelings; how do you know when a guy wants more?

  1. @Guys, Thanks a lot for your advice. I will consider it.

  2. Hi Guys, how are you doing? I think I would like to give a try with him. I don’t know FWB whether can lead us to be more serious o not. I’m prepare for the worse circumstances. I give myself 3 months, if it does not lead us anywhere… I will definitely stop seeing him anymore. I know im really silly to take the risk. NO PAIN NO GAIN right:P

  3. @Apple……It’s not silly. It is what it is. Clearly it’s important for you to see this all the way through. Nothing worse than regret. Just as long as after three months you’re honest with yourself about what’s going on. Good luck.

  4. Hi Guys, I don’t know where are we heading to. Since then we did not once sleep with each other as FWB. His phone was out of order while he went for 3days 2nights events. Since he is on trip I did not text him so I actually not aware that his phone was out of order. Until he came back and text me with his old phone. And telling me what had happen to his phone, the way he chat with me like he was thinking I might text him several times over the weekend and he not manage to reach out of me, and even he told me he might delay his reply as the phone too lag. He was thinking to past his spoiled phone to me so I can send it to my friend. We have make a arrangement to meet at a shopping mall but half way drive he told me the phone he decided to send to the shop near his house to fix. At time, I was really disappointed though he not going to meet me but he told, you wait me at the mall and we go for dinner together. That night we talk a lot, our past, our present and our future (talk for 3hours, until the shop close). We keep on chatting almost every night and day, the moment I did not texted him and at the end of the day he will send me something funny and wish me night (of course I did replied him). The next day I try to catch up with him but he take long time to replied me and even not replied. I was upset and did not even text him again but at the end of the day he text me night (I did not reply him). The next day after lunch the sun was so hot and I notice he will work outside and remind him to drink water. He start texting me and tell me what he is doing. Then suddenly he apologies to me and explain why he not manage to reply me (he change his new phone and need time to transfer all the data from old phone and need to do some setup for the new phone too), when he available only he realise it is very late and all he can do is a good night message to me. Then we did chat with each other every now and then. last weekend he went for another event, I surprise him by waking him up at mid night. He respond me that he had woke up and ask me why I’m so early then I told him because I wanna wake you up. he just laugh and text me night again as he ready to go. He did inform me when he reach the location and also back to the city on Sunday (actually he care on my feeling a lot and he do understand me too). Then I did not text him since yesterday until now and he did not text me too. Actually I miss him a lot but I think this is the only way for him to step back and think(and I really wish he will miss me too). Should I wait until he initiate text me again or what should I do? Are we FWB that we even not sleep with each other and he bought me a little present (nice and sexy lingerie but I have not even wear it yet)..

  5. @Apple…..Any chance you could condense this down a bit and include only the most important points? We weren’t exactly sure what was going on. It’s been two weeks since we responded to you last. We thought you were going to wait a while and see what happened? What’s going on? Please send shortened version. Thanks. And we’ll get back to you.

  6. Is ok… I will handle it ya… Thanks a lot guys..

  7. @Apple….Ok. Keep us posted. Good luck.

  8. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  9. Your site is great..personally no perfect guy for me out there..keep up great articles

  10. @Suzette…..Thanks. We hope you’ll share our site with friends!

  11. Dazed & Confused // November 10, 2016 at 8:17 am //

    I’ve been sleeping with this guy for about a month. We see each other twice a week, text daily but that’s it. We both agreed in the beginning that we would only sleep with each other and if either of us wanted to sleep with someone else or did do it we would tell the other immediately.
    (Now we are both married but separated)
    He randomly tells me that girls have been hitting on him like crazy but he remembers our agreement and he hopes I hadn’t forgotten about it either.
    I asked if he wanted someone else he said it doesn’t matter. Then said he was coming to see me in a few days.
    My question is..WTF was that all about? Why tell me about women hitting on him if he’s not acting on it? What was the his point?
    I do like him and am satisfied not seeing anyone but him but seriously wtf?

  12. @Dazed and Confused…….Why tell you? Sounds like he wants you to know that other women are attracted to him. This could be a strategy to keep you off-balance, or keep you at your word. Meaning, he’s saying, “Just so you know. I have many opportunities to stray but I’m keeping our agreement. Are you?” Question: Is he confident? Does he feel intimidated by you? Are you above his league or are you around the same? We’re trying to determine if he’s feeling vulnerable or worried about you and guys hitting on you.

  13. Hi Guys… still remember me?? Since May did not catch u here.. well in the month of June I met my childhood guy and we found a spark between, although me n my fwb did not happen anything but I still give him a courtesy inform. And at the same time, he told he also seeing someone so we ended up wishing each other happiness.. We did text each other once in awhile on our progress with the other half and he still will texted me when he see something new.
    One day I was hiking with my friend, the moment I reach the peak I saw him with that girl. I was a bit shock but I did not go near him (he saw me)as I don’t wanna create any misunderstanding for his girlfriend. somehow my friend choose the rest over place just beside him. I notice he was turn over our side n tried to catch what we said,i saw him giggle when my group of friend teasing me. That day we saw a beautiful sunrise.. After the sunrise he n his gf went down the hill.. and he texted me and asked “how come we can meet here” and I was like sigh (how to answer such question) so I just said “maybe fate” and he laugh. After 2 months me and my childhood guy cant work out and I simply text him and he like scolded me as I lended my childhood friend some money and he scolded me not to see a person clearly. And I was like sigh -_-”
    After a week we texted each other and happen tat he told me he break off with his gf. At tat time his birthday also quite near so I purposely arrange a dinner 3 days ahead his birthday (as normally those important date reserve for someone special) but somehow he reschedule the date for a dinner at his actual birthday. I book a romantic restaurant and buy him a special present (lady sexy lingerie)after dinner, we back to his house. And this is the first time we make out. After make out he cuddle me and we slept together. The next day we woke up, I went home and he went to work. He texted me after an hour and see where I have reach. After tat day he did not texted me. after a week I texted him but he tat long to replied and sometimes no reply. I was upset and angry towards his action. I told him im upset with the feeling of ignoring. Then he replied me I’m not ur boyfriend and does not need to text each other often.
    From that day onwards I deleted him from my app. After a month plus he texted me on my other app and told me tat he wanna intro his friend to me for my business.
    We started to catch up again but I seldom texted him and when I texted him he will replied me right a way. Recently we went for a short getaway as my company have an events and I choose to stay a night to not wake up so early the next day for the event. I was simply ask him whether he wanna join me… surprisingly he agreed… we have a lot of fun at the resort… Im daring person, when come to holiday I don’t like to hide my real self.. I went on stage n sing.. and he told being with u stressful because whatever I think I will go n do but after I do he will give some good n bad comment… lol.. he is very generous and caring person.. he took a lot of pic include me on his phone.. while I help him to shoot his pic sudden an incoming message from a girl calling him ‘Dear’… I just pretend I did not see the message and keep on enjoy the day… He did not reply her immediately… and continue cycling around and swim.. we really have a good time (I guess)… we sleep in the same room but nothing happen beside we shower each other… next day he suppose can sleep longer as I need to woke up early for my company events but somehow he wish to go breakfast together with me as he said coming together and having breakfast separately is no meaning at all. So end up he went breakfast with me and walk me to my company events hall. he met my bosses and colleagues and he left back to the resort…
    After events, I went to swim with him before check out and we have fun too… The moment he drop me home I have to rush for my last minutes customer apt and I did not give him a proper good bye…
    After few days I texted him and without delay he replay me and I have some business would like to discuss with him and today I suggest to meet him at his house or mayb might stay over if too late (our house distant is 1hr+ drive).. he reply me you wanna stay then he asked me beside Tuesday any other day u free… then I replied him thurday or Friday and he said he will get back to me… actually what are we?? Are we FWB?? Please advise.

  14. Hi guys, Hope you doing well as I did not get your respond. Btw, he texted me yesterday to confirm the meeting tonight but not to his house… he wanna have dinner with me. Still not sure what is in his mind…

  15. @Apple…..We’re happy to respond but please shorten your question if you could. (We’re doing longer questions via email only.) We just can’t keep up to longer questions. Thanks.

  16. Hi guys, thanks for your respond. My question are very simply.. are we just FWB or what are we…

  17. @Apple…..It’s possibly too soon to tell, but our gut tells us that you should proceed with caution. Seems like he’s just looking for a good time. Keep us posted.

  18. Oh I have a similar situation, we became fwbs with this guy, lots of hang outs, i even hung out qith his brother and some friends of his. It has been 8 months we are doing this, last week I openly talked to him about the possibility of us being in a relationship, because we get along well, and our arrangement is becoming difficult since we have lots of mutual friends and no one knows anout us.. so he said that he feels guilty if gets into relationship with me, he said he even wanted to stop in the middle kf the way but he was worried that I get upset!!!
    We talked about the fact that now he has no relations with my ex anymore, because he moved to another country.. at the end he said I will think about it..
    one day after we talked, he went out with a girl
    He hasn’ told me any thing yet! Its been more than a week now and actually I saw the girl and she now is hanging up with our group!! Kinda fucked up.. but im nice to the girl and she likes me. Still no one knows about me and this guy.. he doesnt show any signs of intimacy with this girl
    But I cant tell why!?
    He made the situation difficult!
    What do you think guys?? I cannot figure out what it is, what his feelings are, what should I do.. I just kept silent and I am being my regular happy person in the group.. because I don want drama..
    But I could use your opinions

  19. @Tharv……Honestly, we don’t see this turning out the way you want. He’s not showing signs that he wants to be in a relationship with you. And the fact that it’s all a big secret is not a great sign. And you, keeping silent, and being a good sport is not going to get you what you want. So you have two options that we can see. 1. Do nothing. Stay the course. And see how it plays out. (We think you’re just going to get more and more frustrated, confused, possibly hurt, and then angry. 2. Sit him down and have a heart-to-heart with him. Tell him how you feel and what you want and force his hand. Could this approach end things with him? Yep. It could. But at least you’ll know where you stand. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

1 2 3 4

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published.

Maximum comment length is 1500 characters.