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The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

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My cheating ex won’t get out of my life. Why?

Dear Guys,

I dated this guy for about 5 months. We weren’t too serious, but we did see each other every day. We weren’t exclusive but we had been going to family events with one another and holiday things of the sort.

A couple weeks ago he started acting distant and I thought something was wrong. Well, he decided to end things, saying he just needed to figure himself out. No big deal. We were gonna stay friends, and I was gonna let him decide what he wanted to do.

Well after a couple days his ex contacts me saying she had been talking with him—not that it mattered since he and I weren’t exclusive. But then she says she is talking to an old friend of mine as well. They tell me all this drama and I ask my ex about it. He says it’s not true and we continue on like normal.

A couple days later my ex calls me and is LIVID. He tells me that this guy his ex has been talking to apparently fell off the face of the earth. His ex apparently thinks I have made this person up and have been leading her on and feeding her all this info blah blah blah. Now my ex is furious. He then says he wants nothing to do with the drama and cuts me and her off completely. Then I get a call a couple days later from saying I am not allowed to contact him, his family, or anyone else he knows AT ALL. He apparently thinks I am an insecure because he believed I did all this. Then he says he never cared.

None of what he accused me of was true. So I obviously blocked him from everything possible and never contacted him AGAIN. A week later he texts me asking if we can meet somewhere public to discuss this all. He then calls and says he just wants me to own up to all of it and he just wants to “help” me. What man does this? I thought if he actually believed all this he would be running for the hills thinking I was psychotic. Why would he call me AGAIN to just make me upset and angry to tell me I’m a liar AGAIN?

I don’t understand why he keeps contacting me. Why won’t he just leave it alone? Am I missing something? Can you help me understand what is going on here? Does he really believe I have done all this? And if he does, why keep contacting me, shouldn’t you run away from the psycho girl? Is this some sick and twisted way to get me back? If so it’s surely NOT working.

Just try and explain this to me, cause no one else can.

Angry and Confused

Dear Angry and Confused, 

Thanks for your question. Honestly we’re a bit confused to actually what went down and with whom. And maybe the specifics don’t actually matter.

From what we can see the confusion began way before all of the “drama” started. The confusion actually began while the two of you were together, because a relationship that’s not exclusive is called dating. This sort of “open” relationship is ripe for all sorts of misunderstandings to happen. Why? Because the boundaries aren’t clear. What is okay and not okay is hazy? And even though both parties might say, “it’s all good,” when it comes down to it someone always gets hurt.

In your case, he got hurt. Because frankly your relationship doesn’t look a lot different now than it did when you were together. (How do you actually break up from a relationship that’s not exclusive? Does that mean, no physical contact anymore?) And if you think about it this way, you can see why he’s upset over your supposed actions. (We understand that you didn’t do what he thinks you did.) In his mind, someone close to him betrayed him. It has less to do with the fact that you dated, and more to do with your friendship. And once again, all of this stems from the lack of clarity with your relationship.

We think you should talk with him. It’s obvious to us that both of you still care about each other, at least to some degree, so why not have the conversation? See what he has to say. Yeah, it probably won’t be pleasant, but if you really want to find out what’s going on, why not get it from the original source, instead of asking everyone you know to enlighten you.

If you do have that conversation feel free to ask us a follow up question. Or just get us up to date. We’re interested to hear how this all turns out. (Leave comments in the comments section here on this post. We’ll do the same.)

Our advice moving forward: You might want to try and stay away from these types of non-exclusive relationships, including getting back together with this guy. (If things get resolved with your discussion.) There are reasons that exclusive, monogamous relationships work.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

17 Comments on The non-exclusive relationship; what in the world is going on?

  1. Hi
    Ive got a friend who ive kind of been seeing.. we act like we are in a relationship… I met him through my previous job. He was in a four year relationship that he purely ended up hating as he was not happy with her.. she completely changed him and made him depressed..he used to call me to confide in me even at work .. they spilt up once and he called to go out for lunch and he would say wow I really enjoy your company .. but through a few weeks they got back together as she was under depression and felt like comfortable to get back with her and be there for her( he is that type of person who always does good by someone even if its an enemy.. when they did get back together.. he didn’t want to loose my friendship.. and he has cut ties with all his other girl mates but used to ring me behind her back just to talk .. he would even say maybe one day me and u could go on holiday or start going out together if your lucky.. since time has gone by ..he has left her and we non stop tlk on the phone eveyrday .. we don’t have sex but we kiss occasionally … but not sexual and he is extreme understanding with me infact its one of the reasons why he got with his x .. because she was a very decent girl and he has seen that with me ..he rings me after gym after he naps ..randomly whether its to ask what to eat or to have a convo or hear my voice… when I am not with him and few days go by he really misses me and says how its feels like its been days since he has saw me… he has mentioned that out of all the girls he has ever been with I am the most sexiest and the most fun he has ever been around and he truly luvs my company… even when I say go chill with his friends he rather spends it with me and says I luv your company .he can be himself around me and luvs the fact he say say anything and be so honest and how I bring a smile to his face.. his friends know about me he has told me he has spoken about me .. from how good my hair smells to everything about me .. and ive met them a few times who always tease us when we are together .. saying.. aww how is your boyfriend.. or trust me you two are together.. or you have that boy on lock Anisha trust me.. he invited me to his close friends family birthday .. it was like a couples night out.. and he didn’t let go off me the whole night even when I said go and be with your friends he would just hold me and smile ..even in public we hold hands and pretty much to everything together… or he at least asks for my advice about everything..ive also stayed around his quite a lot where I have met his family and chilled with them as well as his uncles and they are aware of me .. before all this happened he was saying how he wasn’t ready for a relationship but as times has gone by he would start to say what have you done to me .. I didn’t think at all after a relationship I would start to feel like this or miss you or want to see you .. don’t know what you have done to me.. he would go on to say how unique and amazing I am and maybe if I am lucky we could pursue a relationship ( thing is with him he would joke or tell the truth and the secret of it is you can never tell whats a joke or the truth and he knows this ) he is going on holiday and infront of his friend he was saying how he wont do anything and his friends was agreeing ..the night he invited me out to his friends birthday ..everyone kept asking if we was a couple as we acted like one ..we both didn’t answer just looked at each other and held hands..we have had convos where he would ask so would u date someone who is like me or would you be my girlfriend or is that what you want.. and ive just laughed it off …he always talk in future terms with me and I was worried that he would go back to his x but she has contacted him and even stayed round his (with his sister as they are friends) and he has been so honest with me ..he stayed on the phone to me and contacted me constantly and then invited me round his house when she left. He would then say stuff like your going to fall for me I think we should stop talking with a cheeky grin or your going to fall for me ( I don’t really give him a response) even when he goes out he constantly keeps in touch saying how he missed me ..when he is out with his friends he wants to be with me so he would call to pick me up.. but its such a rollacoaster.. he says he is very good with his words and knows what he is saying and there is a reason behind all the stuff he says even his jokes.. sometimes he would say I love u and be like im joking.. just yesterday he takes the piss out of me as a joke and I was replied sometimes u can be a cock.. and he said I know but I know me and you have gotten so so close but my barrier is still up a bit after that relationship.. but he has asked me questions when I would want to get married and what I would marry.. there was once a convo where he has asked.. don’t you think when you put a status to a relationship it fucks things up ? and I replied saying no it depends who you are with .. we practically act like we are a couple literally but he just takes so long to admit we are in one.. sometimes he would compliment other girls and when I get irritated he would say but were just friend right .. but it got to me a bit yesterday and he felt so bad and was like I don’t like u upset I really care about u I wont do it again..he even sends flowers to me at works.. so why is he longing the statues or I don’t know !!!

    his x messaged me on facebook ..saying i know about you both .you both fucking deserve each other… and calling me all sorts ..she went to his work place to have a go at him and he said look she is an amazing girl and we are friends.. but you know nothing of her to call her names … i asked how she found out he told me his little brother said something which dosent really make sense as that time he didnt know my name and he is only 5. but none the less i thought he was going to get back with her he didnt infact he just said how much he dosent love her but wants the best for her.
    what shall i do ? what does he want ?

  2. i actually think he is awaiting for me to maybe say something as he has given these little hints and he does says certain things to see my reaction but i havent given him what i want.. he has asked me ..you can tell me how u feel but i havent i just laugh it off.. and i know his barrier is a bit high its natural he would be scared but i dont know

  3. @Annika…..Are you being hot and cold with him? Clearly he’s not sure where you stand and that’s probably why he’s not moving forward with this. Do you want a relationship with this guy? If so, maybe you need to make it clearer to him that you’re interested. Joke around, Hint, Etc. But once he gets the hint, then let him be the one who initiates the actual relationship. He should be able to do that.

  4. Hi guys!!
    I have a question from a situation that a friend of mine is going through right now. My best friend just ended a 4 month relationship with her guy, everything looked good on the outset. Basically, some problems started to occur between them. A day ago, they talked for the first time in a while, and he wants to give it a shot again and he misses her. She just started a new job and could relocate eventually, and she told him that for the moment, she would not pursue something for a while. I think she said the dreaded “I don’t want a relationship right now”, for wich a lot of guys are afraid when they heir it form us girls. IDK really if its just and indirect reference to her saying basically that it is over for good or no, because in my view, they were a really good couple.

  5. @Lisa…….So why is your friend not asking? Or are you also interested in this guy? From what you say, she doesn’t seem that interested in him.

  6. Anastasia // July 31, 2012 at 6:04 pm //

    I was almost done typing this and then my browser froze, very upsetting! ANYWAY, lol. I want to get your views on this situation.

    I was dating this guy since April, and we met at work. We weren’t “official” but if you were to ask him he’d say “but we’re basically in a relationship”. Anyone who asked us if we were together I’d sit back and not say anything because I didn’t wanna jump the gun and he would say that we were/I am his girl. But on Thursday he broke up with me. Prior to Thursday though, we were having a bad week. Like the vibe/energy between us wasn’t good. Now I thought things were weird between us because I was really bitchy/irritable for a while, therefore making me really unpleasant to be around or speak to, which I can admit to. But during that week I noticed how he wasn’t using pet names like he usually does. I go to school in the city so me and him wake up at two totally different times. So when I got his good morning text, Thursday afternoon and I saw how “dry” it was, even after my good morning text consisted of “good morning babe”, so when I saw that his was just “good morning” yet again I said that okay I have to ask him cause I had enough. I asked him if I had did something and he was like “idk things just haven’t been the same lately idk what’s going on with us” and I replied, “is it me?” and he said “idk what it is. Shit just hasn’t felt right in a while and I’m not gonna pretend like everything’s ok when it’s not (side note: but had I not come up and actually ASK what was up, I assume you’d still be over there pretending right?) so I ask him “how long is a while?.. what does this mean? What’re we supposed to do? Is this code for your feelings are decreasing for me? I can’t tell. And he said “I guess this past week or so. Idk what this means and idk what code youre talking about I think we should talk in person though.” So we decided to talk that night, after work. And im here thinking “we’re gonna work this out, he’s coming all the way to my house so that we can fix this!” but no, the complete opposite. Now I gotta say that I’m completely BLINDSIDED and confused by this breakup. It’s really out of the blue and was not expecting this to happen. So we’re in the car and he’s like he doesn’t know where this is going, and doesn’t think it’ll work out in the future. And the way he’s speaking he’s so sure of himself, he’s speaking as if it’s set in stone and that there’s NO POSSIBLE WAY that things could work out any other way. And he brings up how the last two times that we went out with our friends and stuff how did we didn’t enjoy ourselves. Which is half true, but it’s not like I didn’t enjoy myself because of US / HIM. I initially thought the reason for him feeling this way was because of my bitchiness/irritability. So I told him how I was frustrated because I so badly wanted to be his REAL girlfriend. And since he wasn’t giving me what I wanted, I told him I was taking it out on him & that was one source of my frustration. And he was like how he didn’t know that. Cause honestly everytime I get a guy, we talk for MONTHS but that’s all it ever is. I never get someone I truly want to ask me to be their girlfriend. And I’m obviously tired of that. When I met him I thought that he was IT, I was for certain that he’d be the one to finally make me his real girlfriend. He also said “Look at us, I haven’t even met your parents. & you don’t want to come to my house” (I met his parents and family in May which now looking back on it, I think I met them too early but idk if that matters or is good information or not lol) Something happened at his house and I just wanted to have some time pass before I went there again, because of the situation he wasn’t speaking to his mother and like come on I don’t want to be in your house if you and youre mother are furious with each other & I was semi involved in the situation, like it’s HER house but me not wanting to go to his house wasn’t gonna be permanent! Anyway, he told me that he still has feelings for me/likes me and he wants to be friends with me because he still wants me in his life & wants to be able to talk to me and see how im doing and stuff like that. But I personally don’t quite believe in being friends with your ex because it just doesn’t work. I told him that this isn’t what I want, and I don’t want to end things. He was saying things like it’s for the best. I had mentioned the idea of us somewhere down the line trying to be together again at a different point in time and he was like how he didn’t want to have to think about that or go back and think about it.

    Like I said I am utterly confused by this all. NOTHING adds up in my mind, and nothing makes sense. I don’t understand how the script could be flipped like this SO QUICKLY. Like we were so fine before this. I remember when I was the one who “doubted” the relationship. Not intentionally but I had said “that’s if I know you next year” when we were talking about something that would occur next year. It was nothing personal towards him, but that’s how I think about things. And he was the positive one saying “No, don’t say that” so I agreed with him. I remember when we used to look in the mirror together, with him behind me and he was the one gushing about how cute we were. I remember us being in his car listening to a song and he grabbed my knee and sang along with the lyrics “it’s just me in my favorite girl” (this was pretty recent too) I’m sorry but WTF I really don’t get why he’s choosing to end things, especially if he has feelings for me. Like our “vibe” is something we can WORK on. We have a strong connection, and we both obviously like each other, we can get through this, but he’s not seeing things the way I see it at all.

    Anyway, with all this being said. After much thinking, and maybe I’ve over thunk this but I just CAN’T believe his reasoning behind this, or lack of reasoning (since he “doesn’t know” what the issue is) I even asked him if there was someone else and he told me no, which I think I can give him enough credit where I can believe this. So I think that he’s just not ready to be “committed” or in a serious relationship. I think that we WERE going somewhere, and deep down somewhere he saw it too and then became afraid and just backed out. What do you think? Do you think he’s being legit? Or do you believe that he doesn’t want a serious relationship as well? When we first got together he said we were gonna take things slow but looking back things to me weren’t going slow at all! (with the exception of him not asking me to be his gf, but when I asked him later on he said he was comfortable with the way things were) So, what do you think guys?

    Also, I guess it’s obviously that I want to be with him again. I’m truly upset & broken over this, and I just miss my best friend. I haven’t spoken to him about our breakup at all. And when we do happen to work on the same day we look at each other and he says hey and I just greet him under my breath or whatever, which looks like im not greeting him at all I guess. So yeah idk things btwn in person aren’t too harmonious right now but if you guys do happen to agree with some of the things I am saying, what should I do about this situation?

  7. @Anastasia….Sorry for our delay in responding. And sorry you’re going through a difficult time. As we were reading your comment we kept thinking that he had met someone else. Do you believe him? Or maybe he met someone but nothing’s really happened yet, but it’s made him realize that he can’t be with you? (That was our initial reaction.) But let’s say we’re wrong. The fact that he’s never asked you to be his girlfriend tells you how he views you. He likes you, but not enough to commit. That’s a strong message, at least from our point of view. Sure, some guys are fearful of commitment, but usually it’s because they haven’t met the girl they want to commit to. If that makes sense? Meaning, their commitment issue has as much to do with the specific girl as it does them. It’s tough that you have to work with him and see him. But at this point any sort of reconciliation has to be initiated by him. He has to realize his mistake and want to come back. But if that happens you should not accept anything less than a serious commitment where you are actually his girlfriend. Anastasia, don’t settle. You deserve to have someone who cares as much about you as you do them. And is willing to show it! Good luck and hang in there. Feel free to ask us as many follow up questions as you’d like.

  8. Hi Guys, Im in a complicated situation. Im 38 & a single mom, i met this one guy online back in april, hes 43 w/kids. When we
    1st started emailing he was very persuant & made constant contact, then we had our 1st meet/greet, it went well, we talked & talked for hours, i didnt want the convo to end & i felt instant attraction(physical) to him. Before we ended the meet/greet, he had mentioned of us going out for a friday night(its our same day off from work), i said sure just give me a call. That w/e this other guy from a different dating site started chatting online w/me & i focused on him & not on the 1st guy i had actually met. The day came for myself& mark to met & i cancelled the date b/c my child was ill, he understood & contacted me a couple of days later to go out again, i agreed but once again the day came to go out w/him & my sitter wasnt able to watch my child, i had to cancel the date AGAIN & he totally understood ( he’s so patient). I started to loose interest in mark & gain interest in luis, but mark was always continuing to contact me either via text,email or phone call, but i was very evasive towards him. Well the time came were i realized that mark was truely into me
    & luis wasnt, luis just strung me along, i then refocused my attention to mark & was bold, apologized to him for the cancelations of dates & asked him out, he accepted. I planned the movie & dinner date, we had
    Fun, talking & laughing, while watching the movie he was trying to “make a move” on me but i blocked that. We drove back, while in my car he gave me a very lengthy good night kiss, which lead to more kissing & cuddling, well, we ended up in his room and it had been 4yrs since i had been intimate w/a guy that i said to myself “why not”, so we did. I left & headed home. The next day he contacted me by text & asked how i was doing. After that he would text me every wends or thursday before his day off for us to get together & we would met @ his place, if we werent spending that 1 day a week together he would be texting/emailing me during the week/weekend to chat & see what/how i was doing. But as the times kept occuring i developed feelings for him & Began to like him more & more, i met his son. Well last month i felt i had to know what this situation was betwn him & i, so i flat out asked him ” is this a fwb, something for the summer or a booty call or something more serious b/c i need to know for real”his response was ” he didnt look that far ahead” & he was thinking we’r being friends 1st to get to know me better & see where it goes” . I mentioned to him that i am looking for a ltr & i am not into playing games, i want only one guy in my life til the end, i wasnt talking about marriage or more kids & that if hes not about ltr then i need to stop investing my time w/him. He stated to me that it seems like i want a relationship & i said yes that is my ultimate goal & i feel u should know what im about & where im coming from so that there is no confusion. He had no response other than “ok”. The next day he called me & asked me out, we went to dinner & there he surprised me w/roses of my fav color (hot pink),afterwards it was back to his place & he was very affectionate & loving that time especially afterwards( never was prior times),& i forgot to mention that during our dinner he had asked me if i was “whipped” i said yes & right before our intimate moment he had mentioned he was whipped also & didnt care who knows,

  9. @Laura…..So do you have a specific question? From what you’re saying this sounds pretty positive. There’s nothing wrong with him wanting to let things develop naturally. As long as he’s honest with you and not being deceitful then you should go with it and see what happens. There is always risk in relationships. But if you don’t take a risk once in a while, you’ll be sitting home for the rest of your life. Just keep your eyes open, and keep the communication flowing. Feel free to ask us another question anytime. (Or a question)

  10. @Laura……It seems some of your comment got cut off. Sorry. Please follow up so we can offer our opinion. Thanks.

  11. I recently reunited with a friend that I’ve known for the past 20 years. After seeing each other a couple of times, he asked me what my intentions were for this friendship, to which I responded that I had none, but I would like to see where things went naturally. He agreed and stated that he would like to take things slow, because he’s rushed into relationships in the past, and he feels as though, this may have been the reason they didn’t work out.
    Shortly after this conversation, I was very busy with work for about a week, and he wouldn’t leave me alone, he was completely stressing out because he thought that I didn’t want to hang out. So, the following week we hung out every day, and it was nice.
    However, for the past two weeks he calls with lengthy conversations and texts as frequently as usual, but he has made and broken plans with me every day, except for 2 days in which he actually followed through.
    When I’ve spoken to him about it he has stated things such as “don’t push me away”, “as we become more comfortable with one another”, amongst other things like vacationing together and even talks about moving away together someday.
    This is very confusing to me, I have never heard of “building a relationship” with someone in which you do not spend time with one another, and it has always been my impression that if you are interested in someone you want to spend time with them, not to mention the frustration that comes along with having plans cancelled on a daily basis.
    If this were someone I just met, I would have already been long gone at this point, but this is someone I’ve grown up with.
    Can you please give me some insight on what in the world could possibly be going on?
    I feel like a back up plan, but he states strongly that I am his plan A, but for some reason plan B is the path most frequently traveled.
    Oh yeah, he also questions me about another male friend in my life, wanting to know who he is and if we’ve slept together, and so on.

  12. @Stacie….It’s hard to say exactly what’s going on. He seems like a guy who hasn’t made up his mind yet. You’re right. Typically when people like each other they want to spend time with each other. We also think you should listen to your gut. You say if you didn’t know him you’d be long gone. Well, maybe your history colors this to a degree but that doesn’t mean he’s the guy for you. We’re not saying he’s not, just that you shouldn’t ignore those feelings you have. Maybe you should take this even slower? What do you think? Also, when you factor in the jealousy piece the situation gets even more muddied. We think it’s time for a heart-to-heart with this guy. Tell him some of the things you said to us, and see if you’ll be honest with you and tell you what’s going on.

  13. Okay so I’ve been crazy about this guy for 5yrs now. We met in high school but didn’t get physical (at that point just making out) until our junior year. During that year and senior year we basically were friends with benefits, no sex though. It upset me because I assumed he was only talking to me all while he was seeing other girls. At the end of senior year he lost his virginity to this girl from a different school. Since then they’ve slept together on and off. Last year I saw him a few times but not very much because I started seeing someone else at the time and I’m a one guy kinda gal. Well sometime in April we started talking again. I’d stay over at his place like once a week. We started getting more intimate but still no sex. I had no expectations of him at this time. He was supposed to be staying at school that summer and I was going home so I figured we would just stop seeing each other when summer started. But he surprised me and came home to visit a lot and we’d talk every day, skype a lot etc. When I’d visit him he would act couply with me in front of people. Which confused me because throughout high school he was always secretive. Even just holding my hand, he’d hold it under a blanket or a pillow if we were in a group. But this past summer was different. In groups he would seek me out and hold my hand and cuddle with me. I told him that I wouldn’t sleep with him unless we were exclusive. I also asked him to tell me upfront if something ever happened with another girl or even if he wanted to explore talking to another girl. He agreed to it. So we started sleeping together at the end of May. Well everything was fantastic until July when I found out that he had been seeing that girl he lost his virginity to again because she transferred to our college (yeah we went to high school together and now college as well). But they ended it at the beginning of July when he told her that he was seeing me. And they ended it before I ever found anything out and called him on it. I decided to trust him again on the fact that we were gonna be exclusive from then on. So after that he referred to us as being together. Not officially dating though. Just exclusive. In August we were both back in the same collegetown again so I started staying over at his place two or three times a week. We’d hangout with his roommates, watch movies, cuddle, goof around (we were very playful with each other), have sex and sleep. People assume we were dating and neither of us corrected them cause we didn’t want to explain the difference. Even his best friend who knows we’re not dating would refer to me as the girlfriend. Well I’ve been getting paranoid recently and we’ve had a few arguments about him lying about what he’s doing because he wants to avoid a fight. Ironic. Yesterday morning I decided to look through his phone. Which I absolutely hate doing but felt that it was necessary. In his messages I found naked pictures from that same girl, from this past weekend when he was drinking. I texted her asking if they had sex again. She said yeah all semester. But she’s known for being crazy jealous and possessive so I believed her but wasn’t sure if she’d exaggerated or something. He and I argued later that day about it and he told me that it had only been one time during a huge fight we’d had and that he had left her place that night saying I’m sorry I can’t do this. He said he’d told his roommate about it after and that I could ask him. I chose not to but I was still upset because regardless, even just the fact that he had another girl’s naked photos was bad enough.
    Sorry again that this is so darn long. I’m torn because I am absolutely crazy about this guy. And I know that he does actually like me and care about me. But I also know that as long as we are not official, he will retain the mindset of being single. He told me that he thinks being official would “fix the problem” because he would never cheat on me if we were official. He’s been hesitant to make it official all this time because he says he doesn’t want to deal with the expectations and having to answer to someone. But that’s he gotten a lot closer to being comfortable with the idea of having a girlfriend.
    Should try again and see if there’s a way to work through it and have him earn my trust again so that maybe we could actually try dating or should I walk away? I know we weren’t actually dating but we did say we were exclusive. And I don’t know for sure that he really wouldn’t cheat on him if we were official. Also, should I be considering entering a relationship with someone I don’t fully trust?
    What do you guys think is really going on?

  14. @Kristen……We know you’re crazy about this guy, but honestly, he’s not interested in a relationship with you, or anyone for that matter. And judging by his behavior, he’s of the mindset that he’s going to do as he pleases. Being “official” is not going to change that. And why would he change? He’s getting away with it all. He gets to sleep with you, cheat on you, sleep with other women, do what he wants, and there are no consequences. We know it’s hard to move on, but you deserve better than this Kristen. He doesn’t respect you. If he did, he wouldn’t be doing what he’s doing. Ask yourself a few questions: What I’m I getting from this relationship? What does he bring to the table? Why am I crazy about him? Do I really think he can change? Do I really think I can trust him again? And finally: What do your friends think? We wouldn’t discount their opinions. Are they being honest with you about what they see? Feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you’d like. ps. And please share our site with all of your friends. (Have them comment here if they’d like, or ask their own questions.) Thanks. We appreciate it.

  15. Hi Guys,

    A little vague background-

    I’m kind of dealing with multiple issues at the same time. It involves two long time friends I ended up dating, both extremely long term, past feelings, and a very difficult home life- But long story short… I’m at a point where I just don’t know what I want anymore. I have figured out few things though in not knowing. I haven’t been single in two years, finally got my own apartment, I want some time to figure myself out, and actually meet people outside of my safe little comfort zone of a town. I’ve been pretty open about this fact. Now to the dilemma/s.

    I’ve met someone who I really like (Guy A). He’s been the epitome of the “good guy.” To the point where I find myself wondering- Too good to be true? Unfortunately when I met him I was also a bit tipsy and talkitive. He heard the long story of drama before my friends could shut me up. Regaurdless of how much he’s had to put up with me- he hasn’t run off. Even knowing: I don’t want to date just yet, had just gotten out of a serious relationship when we met, have a disaster at home brewing, ect. We don’t see too much of each other but talk everyday, been on two or three dates, he’s given me roses, picked me up from work, and gone out of his way to be there for me. So why is it? I’m absolutely terrified?…

    (Questions A: Why does the thought of going out with such a good guy scare me? Is there something wrong with me? He seems like the guy I hear the stereotypical everyone else wanting; good looking, romantic, empathetic, funny, so on and so forth. I like him- So why am I wanting to run in the other direction.)

    This isn’t even the worst. We defined what we have going on as non-exclusive, single, with the occassional date (getting to know one another)… But he seems so invested. He said himself he doesn’t like the thought of me with other guys and won’t be seeing anyone on his part even with me encouraging that I don’t want him to wait…. I feel like I completely f’ed up because: despite being adament I didn’t want to sleep with anyone new- In a moment of complete thoughtless-ness I let myself get talked into sex with a guy I’d known for a couple years (We’ll call him J). J invited me over to help me with work that I was behind on and could be detrimental to my college career if not completed by next week. While we got a lot of work done, I hadn’t had a problem with just kissing. Until J made advances more and more. Despite saying no the entire day, somehow he’d just end up pushing my boundary line further and further back, in the last hour or so before going home… I ended up sleeping with him. Not to say I didn’t want to, I was having fun on some level- But I knew that I shouldn’t because of my own mixed up feelings. In the end I couldn’t think clearly and when me asked me to keep going I just simple said I don’t know. J didn’t just shut me out afterward like I expected but basically supported me after a melt down, provided Plan B, and has NOW offered to back off. But on an internal level… I feel like I’ve cheated on Guy A whilst knowing we’re not in a relationship. I feel especially guilty having told Guy A I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone randomly… I definitely did not plan for this to happen… (insert feeling hypocritical here)

    Should I tell Guy A what happened? We have an event coming up, one thats not returnable or refusable, so before then (in a week) I’d like to wait… But when after would be the best time? I feel like somethings wrong with me? I’ve told J that I won’t be seeing him again and that I took up his offer to back off… How do you think guy A will react? He’s said before that I couldn’t do anything to make him hate me or like me any less. That he’s not the type to blow up, hold onto things, or be upset for very long. From what I’ve seen of this it seems true. But I haven’t known Guy A very long and I feel like people say things like that all the time…
    Another portion is I feel guilty that I’d go through with it with J while Guy A and I decided to take it slow… He’s a virgin. That makes me somewhat apprehensive.

    (Questions B- Why do I feel like I cheated when we’re not in a relationship? Should I tell him? If so when? Is there something wrong with me (again)? How do think he’ll react? Is it bad that I worry about Guy A being a virgin? Is it bad I don’t know if I want to be remembered as someone’s first?)

    Finally the last thing- We’ve gone over this non-exclusive defining thing for what Guy A and I are over and over. I try to remind him that I don’t really know where I’m at in life, its okay for him to see other women, that I don’t want to end up hurting him… Ive even told him that the fact he’s so invested makes me nervous. But somehow I don’t feel like the message is getting through that… i don’t even know how to say this- that I want to have the option to meet and hang out with other people? (minus sex for a while. I don’t think I want to do the casual sex thing. The last event has me set on that.)

    (Questions C- How can I be more clear? Is there any way to go about this without feeling bad about hurting his feelings? Am I doing something wrong?)

    I guess my biggest question is… What should I do?

  16. @Alex…….Here’s what jumps out at us. Just because someone’s perfect on paper doesn’t mean you’re going to fall in love with him. Maybe you’re not in love with guy A, or rather, don’t see yourself falling for him? Or does it have something to do with your own defenses? That’s the question here; sorry to say we can’t answer that for you. It’s okay not to fall for guy A. And that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Once you answer that question everything will become clearer. And how do you do that? It’s possible you need to throw yourself into an exclusive relationship with guy A to see. Or the opposite. Move on and see how you feel. To answer your other question: You don’t owe guy A anything. You’re not dating. So there’s no need to tell him. Unless of course, the guilt is going to eat away at you. Why do you feel guilty? Because you’re not telling him the whole story. Which brings us back to our original point. You don’t know how you feel about him so part of you feels guilty and thus protective of him. Good luck and keep us posted. Hope this doesn’t make you more confused.

  17. So I have been seeing this guy for about 4 months and I am pretty good about specifying what “we” are when I start anything. Well this time around I messed up and never asked. Well we saw each other about once a week and it was just purely sex…I was fine with that. About a month and a half goes by and my friend had all this drama with her sex buddy. So I asked him if he was seeig anyone else? And he said no but he does hang out with a couple of girls who watch his son for him while he is at work. And he asked me the same thing and I said no! His response oh ok cool! Well then we started to talk everyday and the pet names started…sugar, dear, darling, babe etc. so I stared to get confused. I left it alone tho. Well August 17 he went to midnights for 6 weeks cause he is a cop, we talked for the most part at night and it got to where I was constantly having to text him late at night(granted I am sure he thought I was a sleep) well sometimes he would text back immediately, others time not but he would explain himself and I would tell him that he did not have to explain himself. He said I knew but he wanted to make sure I knew he was not ignoring me. Well a lot of times when he is on duty we would meet up late at night and just talk. An one night I said I could really use a hug and kiss and he got out of his car and just kissed me and then gave me the biggest hug to where he picked me up off the ground. I constantly would catch him looking at me and then when I would look at him he would look away, I am pretty sure I did it too. This past week went by pretty good. I went to the bar with my friends and he showed up while he was on duty in the back of the bar in his police car and when we were done talking, he reached up and grabbed my face to kiss me on the cheek.(the only reason why he did not do it on the lips was because I had been drinking and he was on duty). Well we met up later that night when he was on his break and one thing led to another an we started making out and it was just like the softest making out and then we messed around. I had always joked and made the comment that he needed to hurry back and get on days cause it was messing up my sex schedule and he would always say mine too! We talked this past Saturday and everything was good and he had come to Town and we texted for a while and I asked him if he was busy and in town and said he just got here. I never heard anything else from him and I texted him about 245am and said that I was going to go on home and go to sleep. Well he ended up texting back about an hour later and said I’m sorry dear. I wish you could see what I am out on right now. I didn’t get the message til like 10am and texted him back, and said it’s ok honey. Is everything ok? I never got a response and never texted him back well then today I texted h this morning and said hey! I hope you have a good day! And normally he would text back and never a peep. So then I texted him again and I said I know you are prob busy but is everything ok? Cause you seemed upset the other night. I thought maybe I was being psychotic cause I was the one constantly texting him and he said ” you fine sugar.” I am so confused and don’t know what to do.

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