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The online guy

Dear Guys,

I was on an on-line dating website and this man sent me a message asking if I was interested in meeting him.  I responded to him two days later and he said sorry but he was going off the site because he met someone else and  was going to ask her to be exclusive. I wished him well.

Three weeks later he contacted me again asking if I was still interested in meeting.  I asked what happened and he just blew it off saying things happen and it was no big deal.  So we met and began a relationship rather quickly seeing each other almost everyday.  Then without any warning he sent me an email at work  saying he was going back to his longtime girlfriend whom he never mentioned. He seemed really into me and I was shocked that he would be so cold as to end things by an email to my work.

It was only several weeks that we dated, but  I’m feeling rejected and confused by his behavior.  I’d appreciate any advice or opinion on this situation.

Thank you,

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for writing. We’re sorry about your situation. This guy’s erratic behavior is a sure sign that he’s not who he says he is.

In the excitement of meeting someone who’s charming, good looking, interesting, or whatever, you ignored some not-so-positive signs that told you a different story. The fact that he said he was going to be exclusive with someone else not more than two weeks prior, should have told you something wasn’t right. And the fact that his explanation to you was less than satisfactory was also a red flag. These together tell us that he’s either very confused, or he’s a player, and we’re going with the latter.

Don’t beat yourself up over this, but just be aware for the future. It’s easy to get caught up in the moment if there’s chemistry. But next time, think yellow light, and proceed with caution, especially with online dating. It might be a good idea to first get to know someone face-to-face before you jump in too deep.

We know this situation is sad, confusing, and frustrating for you, but truly this guy is not worth it. He’s got his agenda, and it’s all about him. He’s not the type of guy you’d want to have a long term relationship with anyway.

So chalk it up to experience and move on. Next time keep your eyes open a tad more. We’re not saying be suspicious of everyone, just don’t go so fast until you really know whom you’re dealing with.

Good luck, and write us anytime.

THE GUYS

ps. If you haven’t checked out our podcast, please do. You can find it on itunes at: The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Subscribe and spread the word. Thanks!

11 Comments on The online guy

  1. I think that this is one of the pitfalls of on-line dating services. My son recently arranged a date with a woman he met through one of the on-line dating services. Her picture was WAY out of date, and even though she was a pleasant person, I feel that she misrepresented herself by not updating her photo to accomodate for the 30+ pounds she had gained. I am sure that this sort of thing happens more frequently than not. The fact that this guy didn’t mention that he had another person in the mix says that he was just sending out feelers to see what his options were. In the future, make sure that you ask key questions before starting a relationship with someone that you connect with on-line.

  2. Be thankful you found out before you got in too deep. This guy sounded like he was always looking for the best available option. First is was you, then it wasn’t, then it was again. And so it would go… Be glad you didn’t get too bound up in this. Carry on and find someone that is happy with you, period. (and vice versa) This guy isn’t worth the effort.

  3. I agree with bluzdude, be grateful you found about him now, before you got in too deep. Maybe he’s a player, maybe you were just a rebound girl, or maybe he’s just fickle. Either way he’s heartbreak on toast.

  4. At least he didn’t end up being a serial killer or say that he was going back to his wife and ten kids. Then again, maybe the girlfriend really was a wife. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.

  5. Caution is probably best in using social dating media. I’m sure there are success stories but in this topsy-turvy world, you don’t need someone looking for a band aid or a quick fix.

  6. Sorry this happened to you, I would say this guy is not who he says he is and if he did this to you then he is most probably doing this to everyone else he dates. It will eventually catch up with him. Be glad that it happened now and not further into your relationship. You are by far better off.

  7. So I’ve been online dating for a short while and I’m terrible at it as well as not a huge fan. Never know how to respond. Anyway met a lot of not so great guys, but this guy messages me and he’s the first Ive really liked. Very similar personality and very attractive. The convo is below as well as my question….

    Him:
    hi. You seem very interesting. care for coffee sometime ? it’s nice you’re local oakville.

    I want to shut this account, I’m ready for an okbreak, but wanted to send you a message cause I thought you were well worth it to send this off…! cheers

    Me:
    Good morning,
    Coffee sounds good.
    I’m rather exhausted with this site as well so you can text me at xxx-xxx-xxx.

    Ps. Where is option e)all of the above?:) (this is a compliment to him about his looks. Trying to be flirty and let him know I’m interested)

    Him:
    Ok will text you soon. : ). cheers​

    I read you should always respond enthusiastically yet I feel if I do it’s a little desperate. Was my response not enthusiastic enough and if so do I wait for him to respond or send a small nudge? He sent the last message last night and I see he’s been online since but still no text. Am I reading too much into this? Also, is this ‘closing his account’ thing just a line?

    Many thanks, you guys are brilliant!!!

  8. Re: Brooke...one last thing // July 22, 2013 at 2:00 pm //

    Also, In retrospect, my compliment may not have made sense since the question was what I noticed first. Maybe I sounded like an idiot…
    And…If he was really interested would he be put off this easily?

    Thanks!!!

  9. Re: Brooke...last one // July 22, 2013 at 3:09 pm //

    Sorry, I’m really not a crazy person. So I messaged him back to thank him

    Me:
    Sounds good:) Also, I thought your original message was actually very nice and I never thanked you. Thanks:)

    And his response was:
    No prob, you’re welcome 🙂 look forward to talking more and coffee and meeting you.. 🙂 have nice day!

    Sounds like a very nice blow-off? Why didn’t he just text that then?

  10. @Brooke……You’re going to have to wait and see with this. Your response was fine. If he’s interested then he’ll get in touch with you. And once you meet you’ll have a better sense of how you feel and how he feels. Just let him do the initiating for a while. That means texts, dates, etc. If his communication is sporadic then that will tell you where he’s at. At this point you just don’t know. Player? Not a player? Good luck.

  11. @Brooke……..You’re over analyzing. If it’s a blow off then you’re in the same boat you’re in right now. So why don’t you just wait and see. And in the meantime, keep yourself open to other guys as well.

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