I am 34 year old man married for 9 years. (The relationship has been rocky to say the least.)I have been told by my wife at times that she does not love me. We have a child together. Often she likes to go out after work with her co-worker single female friend.
I have recently been talking with a female co-worker who is younger than me and have been out for some drinks. Sometimes the subject turns towards sex. This is confusing.
Is she interested in me?
If I act on this my so called marriage will be over.
Thanks for writing. We can see how this would be confusing.
Let’s address your marriage first. Both you and your wife sound unclear how you feel about one another, and your marriage. So we’d like to know a few things. Do you still love your wife? If the two of you could work things out is that something you would ultimately want?
Many couples stay together because of the children. However, if a relationship is loveless, and/or full of stress and strife, this can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional and psychological well being. Many “experts” are now saying a healthy divorce-one where both parents are still working as a team to make things as smooth as possible for the kids-is actually a better situation than an unhealthy marriage. Could this be a reason you’re still together?
Jim, it would best to figure some of these things out first before you bring another person into the equation. The new person will only complicate matters, and confuse you more. She already has.
So let’s talk about this other person. It’s clear you’re attracted to her and are interested in her beyond just being friends. That in itself should tell you something about your marriage. The fact that you are open to having these types of feelings for another women is pretty telling. Sure, guys fantasize about women other than their partner. That’s pretty normal. (And yes, women have fantasies too.) But you’re well beyond a fantasy. You’ve gone out with this other woman, talked about sex, and are seriously considering taking it to the next level. That should give you some answers about how committed you are to your marriage.
However, be forewarned. This other woman is not the solution. Jumping to a new situation without resolving the existing one, only blurs things more. Are you leaving because you’re unhappy, or are you leaving because you want this other person? That’s a big distinction. There’s also no guarantee that you’ll stay with this woman, or that she feels about you, the same way you feel about her. You might have a month of fun, or even a year, or who knows, but you’ll still have your marriage to deal with at some point.
There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling. You’re human, and it’s nice to feel wanted and loved. It doesn’t sound like you’re getting much of that from your marriage. And having this other woman in the picture, might be giving you the strength to take a hard look at your marriage. Is that what you’re hoping for? Are you really into this new woman, or are you just hoping she’ll jump start the inevitable end of your marriage? We just think you need to ponder these questions because they’ll shed some light on your ultimate decision, whether you stay or go.
Good luck and keep us posted. Feel free to ask us more questions.
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