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This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

Other Questions about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

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Dear Guys,

I was in a long term relationship with a girl I met in my class. We absolutely hit off from the start. When I met her I still was dating someone else and I told her about it. (I never crossed the line.) My girlfriend and I eventually broke up weeks later and this girl and I immediately started talking. We then dated for two months.

Before we started dating I had been working through other personal things in my past that were catching up with me. These were things I went through growing up. I broke it off with her because I knew if I had stayed I would have ruined things. During this break up period I started talking with my ex again. I believe it was because I never let anyone close to me and she was the one person I could talk to. However, I was still talking to the girl I dated for two months but we were not getting along.

During our break up she rekindled with her ex and hooked up with him as well; the same time I was hanging with my ex. So I decided to break it off with my ex for good and finally reach closure. I then told this girl my personal problems and why I left. (Because I was depressed, not because I didn’t care for her.)

During the month I was talking with my ex the girl told me we could not be friends if I was still in contact with my ex. Now the girl tells me that if anything is going to come out of this we need to start as friends and build from there. However, she is still hanging out with HER ex and she constantly says they’re just friends, but I know they have been hooking up. She is a great fun girl but she is not happy with what she does sometimes. She lets me in and then makes mistakes. I would never be this confused about anyone but I know deep down she is the one. I told her I cannot accept the fact that she is still hooking up with other people as she puts it. I told her I cannot do it. But I have been going back and forth about this. I finally put my foot down and said I can be your friend but we can’t hook up with other people.

Am I wrong? I do not know what to do and I need help…

Andrew

Dear Andrew,

Thanks for your question. Yes, we can totally understand why you’re confused. (She wants to see her ex but she doesn’t want you seeing yours.) But even though this is a double standard we also understand what’s going on for her.

Our sense is she’s protecting herself by still seeing her ex and hooking up with him. She may have really been into you when you were dating, but once you broke up with her—yes, we understand why— she is now no longer sure if she can trust you. And that’s the issue here. Trust. Andrew, you need to gain her trust back and that can take time.

Being her friend is a good first step. And while we realize that it’s very difficult for you to be friends with her while she’s still seeing her ex, you need to first help her understand that you won’t leave again. This means if she doesn’t “hear” you the first time you need to tell her over and over again until she finally understands that you really care for her and want to be with her. Making demands isn’t going to help the situation at this point even though you’re certainly not wrong to ask.

However, if after a while nothing changes, you might want to think whether she’s really The One. If she’s exhibiting destructive behavior by hooking up with guys AND not showing signs of wanting to change, then there’s no need to hang around and be a witness to it all.

Hopefully this will work out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond here as well. And keep us posted on how this turns out.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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14 Comments on This girl is confusing me; what do I do?

  1. Hi guys. Well I’m gonna try to put everything here so that it can be understood as well as possible. Two years ago, I met a girl at a summer class. We instantly hit it off on a friend level, and we stayed like that for many months. After some time, I started having feelings for her, and we started hanging out more often. By her bday, I was planning to tell her, but things happened during that day and instead, the following week I told her. She could not give me a real decision and by that time, I felt that I wasted months of my life in a pursuit that was fruitless. I stopped talking to her for a year, we would randomly meet eye to eye at parties and no acknowledgement of us being there. Fast forward early this year, and she contacted me to talk. I know I was a a$$hole last year because of some things that were said. Anyways, we met up and talked, and it wen smoother than what each of us expected. We started going out again, as friends…and after 2 meet ups, we started dating. It was great, lots of good moments. We even planned a trip for the two of us, alone. Fast forward three months later, and things started to change. She had graduated from college while I was venturing toward my final semester. She was able to find a job with good pay. And she had decided to try study abroad in the following months. During the last month, we started having some disagreements and discussions, more about stupid stuff. She became more cold with me, no longer was the affection that she showed at the beginning of this. We had a final disagreement and two days later, she told me that we had to talk. Basically, she told me that things were not “working out” and that we were “not compatible” and stuff. She wanted to break up with me from dating but because in her own words I had become a “very important person in her life”, she wanted me to stay friends with me. Heck, she still wanted me to go with her to the trip that we planned. I know that when people make decisions when they are angry, there is not a complete way of seeing things. Basically because of 3-4 arguments we had, she decided to throw away all the great moments that we had in our run. I told her that we could work things out, but most of the time I tried telling her something, she would just listen to it and ignore it. We are going right now to 5 days without communication, she has even withdrawn herself from all the social media that she has. I still believe in us, that things can be worked out. But right now, I’m going through a lot of emotions. One day I can be really hurt and the other I can be very nonsensical and not care about what happened. For her, love is a very difficult thing, and she has been mostly on long term relationships. Having disagreements on the “honeymoon”stage of a relationship can be a red flag, but I want to think that is about us getting to know each other better and figure out things out. I’m thinking right know that after the trip we have, I’m gonna cut off all my association with her for my own good. But as of know, I don’t know if she’s hurting, not caring, or if there’s still a chance of saving this. I love her a lot, and honestly, just “being friends” with her will just crush me inside. Yeah, that was long lol. I don’t know what to do, so help out if u can. Great website guys. Steve.

  2. @Steve…..It’s a good sign that she still wants to go on the trip with you. If it turns out that she’s still open to a relationship with you, that would be a great time for her to be reminded of how good you are together. Of course if she’s not open to the two of you dating again, the trip will be a disaster for you, especially if you have any sort of expectations about reuniting. With that said, what we’re hearing is that she’s not willing to put the time and energy into working through some problems. And that’s the issue more than the problems. Every couple goes through some rough spots from time to time. Relationships take a lot of work. The issue here is, she doesn’t want to do the work. She’s happy enough when things are going smoothly, but when they’re not, she’s got a foot out the door. Ask yourself if this is the kind of girl you really can have a trusting, solid relationship with. It’s hard to say from our vantage point, but we do see a red flag in that department. What do you think? And what’s your plan? Do you think you’ll go on the trip?

  3. Personally, yeah, she is the definition of “it” in what I look in a relationship. She told me that our “foundation” for a relationship was a shaky one because of what happened last year. But we have a lot of trust in one another, I do and she has told me that she trust me. She thought that I did not had some trust in her during the relationship. but that is based on a lot of things that I have known of her from a while, especially from last year. If she was so hurt during our fallout, why did she had a FWB or for her, “F***buddy” when she was feeling that way? One of the disagreements that we had was basically, I could not give her a gift if I wanted to, but she let the FWB give her gifts last year. That was one thing that really left a sour taste in my mouth for a while. We are both headstrong, and I think that most of the guys she’s been with are the “follower” types that will just let her have her way so that they can have the time of the day with her at the end. I think that her no communication can be to her like finally listening to when I told her that “You cannot let one so-so month ruin the 3-4 great months that we had”. About the trip, she is the one that insisted on me still going, but is all very different now. I wanted to be with her like we were going about months ago, and i don’t know how that’s gonna turn out. She does not want any “drama”or anything, just for us to have “fun”. And basically, everything is already set up for the trip like the week before we broke up. They are a lot of variables, like maybe even body language is gonna rub her the wrong way, or even the way we are gonna be speaking to each other. I want to think that by the time the trip happens, maybe she will realize some things and think of giving it another go. And depending on that is that I’m gonna decide whether to end everything I have with her at the end of the trip or still believe in us. It’s very complicated as u can see.

  4. @Steve…….You are probably right. She sounds like she’s not used to being challenged by a guy. Whether this relationship has a chance will depend on her willingness, or lack thereof, to change how she sees herself in a relationship. We’ve all seen the “it” women who marry the easy going guy, only to grow bored—and the guy resentful—and be divorced by the time they’re 35, or sooner. (Of course we’ve also seen the guys who marry the “hottie” only to realize they need more from a relationship, and then have the same outcome.) It’s all complicated, for sure. Good luck and keep us posted.

  5. Sure I will guys. I’ll keep posting updates on the situation, and by the time the trip happens, we’ll see. Any advice on the situation right know would be much appreciated
    Steve.

  6. @Steve……The only way to really know for sure is to see this all the way through. It may end well, it may not. But at least you’ll have no regrets.

  7. Well guys, first and rather sudden update on my peculiar situation started today. Early in the morning, she texted me randomly out of the sudden a good morning, something that she used to do more like everyday when we were together. It was a week to the day we broke up. We had some small talk texting, but I kinda din’t want to seem all “hooray” for it. I decided to call her later in the night to talk to her, just to try to read some of her since she has completely gone dark on social media since that day(it’s her work guys, no worries). Everything went good, small talk, just like we used to. After that, I asked her how she has been since last week, “well…relax, good” that’s what I got from her. We’ve been keeping busy since that day to try and forget what happened. What do you think is the state of mind during breakups?? For the one that wanted it and the one that thought there is still a chance?? (basic question) Anyways, unlike her, who months ago told me she would get me a two week notice if something was wrong and when we talked, she basically told me the day before, I told her that for a while, I’m gonna be pondering about a decision that I will make. She thought that was a threat(women logic) Anyways, yeah, she might be acting it up as if she is all right and good, she has been spending time with her family and her closest friends(every time something like that happens, every one knows what’s up). Indirectly, I kinda told her to learn not to make decisions based on anger, which she responded with a “ok, I guess”. She tried to small talk her way out of some things, but it was the first test. Let’s see what happens next. Thoughts guys?

  8. @Steve……Her state of mind: Sad, unsure, guilty, the whole gamut of emotions. That’s probably why she’s spending time with family and close friends. She’s recharging, and getting support from the people closest to her. Your upcoming trip will tell you both a lot. Are you still planning on going?

  9. I’m back. Sorry that I like disappeared for a while, but looks like im gonna turn this thread into a sort of a journal of a break up or something like it. Anyways, the past two weeks have been sort of back-to-normal in some ways. Long gone is the feeling of sadness, even though they might be some left, I think I’m entering the angry-don’t give a F-BS stage or idk. Basically, some rough stuff has also happened in my life(family issues) and she’s been in contact for a while. Texts only, most of the time inquiring bout what’s happening. Even when something funny happens. As u can tell, she’s the one initiating most of the time. I’ve always had a feeling that the one that wants to break up, or “dumper” will always recuperate more faster than the one that does not, “dumpee”. Maybe u guys know some more about that. And I don’t feel like being all talk-talk with her because in some ways, that’s just gonna come as a “yeah, ok let’s be friends only”. It’s more of a personal statement of me saying “yeah, good to know”, just simple responses. How does break up communication works the best? As for the trip, at this point, I just want to get over with it…And any advice on break up couples on trips?? Like how to like salvage something for us being for like a week 24-7 together after possibly one month apart?? Thoughts?

  10. @Steve……Sorry to hear that things are tough. Hang in there. It sounds like your feelings are mirroring where you’re at with your split. But, as far as your trip goes…. When you first mentioned the trip it sounded like one way to possibly rekindle your relationship. But with what you’re saying now, it only sounds like it will be torture. Yes, by the end of the trip everything will be definitive one way or another, but you don’t need to go in order for that to happen. Just because you spent the money and made the plans doesn’t mean you have to go. Seriously. It’s something to consider. If you do go, there’s not much we can tell you. It will unfold the way it’s going to unfold. It’s hard to say. A lot depends on how you both feel going in, and how positive AND\/OR negative you both are during. Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

  11. I’m back. This is gonna be the last update I’m gonna give before the trip, as I have a busy schedule for all the days before the date of the trip. Basically, we had our first encounter since the breakup. I was having fun with my friends when suddenly she and I ran into each other at a bar. I was with them the entire time and suddenly she started texting me that “Don’t be shy, we can chill, relax”, just because I was with my friends, not paying attention to her, the thing a normal person would do after a breakup. She kept texting me, inviting to go eat with her and her friend (which I know). Before that, she began contacting me like every 2 days on text, but after that basically she has not contacted me. Confusion at its best. And I’m going on the trip for myself, I decided that. Anyways, thanks guys and in 2 weeks we’ll see the final outcome of it all.

  12. @Steve…….A bit awkward. Yes, we’re definitely interested to hear how things turn out. And good for you for going on the trip anyway—by yourself! Have fun and keep us posted.

  13. Hey there, I’m back a little late. Anyways, here we go. Before the trip, me and my ex had a little talk to like make some limits as to what was gonna happen there. It was the first time in over a month that we had a conversation, but at the time it did not felt like a closure. Fast forward to the first day of the trip, and we got stuck in the airport because we missed the flight. We stayed at a hotel that night and we went out, it was different because it felt as if we were on good terms, and I respected her in a way that I did not made any moves to her. By the time we arrive to our destination the next day, the mood was good, being in the new city and in the festival we went. It is in the second day in the city that everything starts to get a little messy. She was on the duration of the trip on her “days” if you know what I mean, and had mood swings of sorts were she would be nice and later, would do a snark remark. Knowing the awkward situation, I did not like reacted to these. But these continued for a while, and by the third day the remarks continued. Waking up in the fourth day, I kinda had enough, and told her to stop and to “cut me some slack”. That same day we did sightseeing on the city, and we had little or no communication during it. When we had, by this point, it was back and fort, as I could not let her try to ruin things. By the penultimate day, I stayed at the hotel and let her do more sightseeing on her own. The day we came back, we had a discussion on the plane back home because I wanted to know why she was like that and me trying to justify that my “a$$hole” behavior was because of her “bitchy” ways. She told me that she did not wanted to talk because “she did not had a theme for a conversation” and when we arrived, she left to her home in a hurry. Basically we have not talked since then, and in a very startling mood, she has become more open in the social media game. Granted, I have been too, and it was an indirect back and forth over the internet. I told her to delete me if they were problems, but she says it should be me, not her, and I still have her. To make matters even more startling, looks like she has rebounded two weeks after the trip, and has been all over this by posting about being happy and perfects nights, that text made my night, etc, u know the drill. When we were together, we never became open about us anywhere, it was our own little secret. Now all of the sudden, boom! It’s more of a slap in the face for me, or idk? Yesterday I kinda wrote her a “closure/sorry” letter and when I saw that she read it today, one hour later she posted about the text. I don’t know if it was because of that or the letter/message, and now I feel that I made a bad move. So help out on some way guys, if it was good and what does her newfound “openness happyness posting” means, and if the rebound might come back to haunt her, if it is. Thanks for everything guys.

  14. @Steve…..Nice to hear from you. So before we give our thoughts on this tell us again exactly what you want from this. Maybe things have changed now that you’ve gone on your trip together.
    Do you want closure? Do you want reconciliation? Friendship? Do you want to tell he how you feel? What exactly? Because at this point you can only control what you want? What she wants is up to her. Let us know and we’ll get back to you.

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