This girl is driving me mad

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Hey Guys,

This has been bothering me so I thought an outside opinion may help. I have known this girl for about two years. And six months ago it started to get more serious. We started hanging every day and a couple months after that we had sex. Everyone who knows is all congratulating me but I feel like it didn’t mean or change anything. And now that school has started back up and things like the ACT are looming we don’t spend as much time together, which is normal except now, for the past few days I hear about how everyone sees her with her ex and it looks like they are dating.

I don’t really know what to do cuz this dude is starting drama I don’t need, and this girl doesn’t want to date me. (She says she would but she doesn’t want a boyfriend.) I care about her a lot but I am just confused.

Am I being played? Should I wait it out? I don’t know please help.


Dear Dom,

Thanks for your question.

So we’re not completely sure of all the details, but our best guess is, over the summer the two of you consummated your relationship, but without talking much about it. (We’re assuming you only had sex one or two times.) In fact, is it possible both of you actually avoided defining the relationship?—her because she didn’t want to be in one and you because you were uncertain of where she stood. And now that school is started up again, still not having talked about it, she is hanging out with her ex and you are left wondering.

According to some of the younger guys on our crew, high school is still about “going out” with one person rather than dating around. And if this girl is saying she doesn’t want a relationship with you, even after the two of you have had sex, it seems pretty clear that she’s not interested in more than a friendship and an occasional romp in the hay. It is pretty atypical that this girl would have sex with you and then not want to at least talk about a relationship with you, but she hasn’t wavered from that decision so it seems pretty clear that she in fact does not want to be tied down. (Unless she’s lying to spare your feelings and she really isn’t interested in you at all. That is something you should consider. And if that is what’s going on, yes, she might be playing you, and actually already dating her ex.) Either way, the message seems the same to us: She’s moved on.

The only way to be sure is to tell her how you feel and ask her directly what she’s really feeling. Of course if you do that, the drama will begin—with her, AND this other guy—and we’re not so sure much will come of it except more confusion for you. But it’s up to you.

One note: Many people, especially young people, think that sex leads to commitment. But in fact it’s the other way around. Sex is even better when it comes after commitment.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us. You might enjoy our last article, “The Duality of Men.”



2 Comments on This girl is driving me mad

  1. Hey! first of all sorry this may be a long text. secondly it’s not a reply to Dom’s question i just posted my post as a comment..
    Well i have a crush on a guy since about a year. He kinda knows that i have some feelings for him. Anyways at a party we got drunk and ended up kissing. The next day it was really awkward at school and he told the people at the party to not tell anybody at school what happened between us. Then he started staring at me but couldn’t really talk to me. So after about a month we went to another party where we got drunk again but this time we ended up sleeping with each other. He was really nice and asked me if I really wanted to since it was my first time and stuff like that so i wasn’t so sure if he really was that drunk or if it was just an excuse. So anyway the next morning it was awkward again and it was him to say that we had to talk and he said this really has to be a secret and no one should find out that we had sex together. Then at school we started ignoring each other even he said we had to talk. So I told him that we really needed to talk now cause the silence was annoying me and his answer was that we will talk some other time. I told him that his “some other time” will be in 2 years or so and he said that may be true. So then I told him that i would have forgotten him by then and his reply was that i would never forget him since he took my virginity. Few weeks passed and there was another party. At the party we had too much to drink and started talking about what happened and he said he was sorry that he ignored me, he was confused and he wanted our friendship to be like before and wants me back like before again. Soon after that we started making out outside of the party so that no one could see. Then we both said that we have feelings for each other when drunk. I don’t know if it was a joke though. So back at school everything was fine we pretended that nothing happened. So then the latest event was another party with too much alcohol and i ended up in his bed but we didn’t sleep with each other because of my period. At the beginning he was quite pushy and wanted more but i told him to stop, then he got all sweet and cuddly and suddenly he said that he would really grant it if someone would love me properly.which kind of shocked me. so i also told him that i would grant it if that happened to him.. i also told him that i don’t really have feelings for him.. which was a lie.. Then he started holding me and cuddling me again. suddenly he said that this was romantic and after a few minutes he said that i shouldn’t look at him in such an “in love” way. it seemed like he had mood swings or something. Then i turned my back cause i couldn’t stand that anymore and he just put his arm around me which was shocking again. Then he just held me tight. The next day when i left his house we kissed to say goodbye, this was the first time we properly kissed to say goodbye.. usually it would’ve been 3 kisses on the cheeks. So i thought it ended well but then he texted me saying that this has to stay between us. i was upset. I just want to know if he is just playing with me and just wants fun or if he may have some feelings for me. Will there be a future for us or not really? Because everytime we make out we had a little too much to drink and that’s not really a good thing right.. but then he still gives stupid mixed signals when we are sober.. please give me some advice.. it really is confusing how he behaves..

  2. @Myu…….We’re sorry this is so confusing. The fact that he’s loving when there’s drink involved, but then changes his behavior until the next time you see each other at a party (With Drink) is not a good sign. He may not be intentionally playing you, but he’s certainly not being very honest and forthright with you. Also, the fact that he wants to keep things between the two of you and doesn’t want anyone else to know should tell you that he’s not really serious about any sort of real relationship with you. We’re sure there are plenty of great guys at your school that you can have a proper relationship with. Your current situation is only going to lead to more confusion, much frustration, and ultimately anger and resentment. Take care and good luck.

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