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This guy’s actions are confusing

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Hi Guys,

I am a bit confused. I met this guy in October on a trip. He was part of a group I belong to that organizes different cultural events. We live in different cities so I used to see him once a month or 2 months depending on when I used to go to the city where he lives. But then I started seeing him almost every 2 weeks because I became more involved with the association and when I was there he would always try to converse with me and he would stare at me.

So anyway I was in a relationship at the time so I wouldn’t give him any attention. I avoided him until I was single. One day I decided to send him a message on Facebook. (We’re friends on FB.) He said that he was happy to hear from and he asked me to see him the next time I was there but before the meeting. So I said yes. And that was the first time we saw each other outside the association. We just walked around for an hour and conversed and then went to the meeting. I had asked him the next day to go to a park and get some fresh air and he said that he liked the idea. So we went for a walk for awhile and then we went about two weeks without hearing from each other. I didn’t write to him. I wanted him to write to me. I had to participate in another event so I saw him in about two weeks; and when he saw me at the association he was strange. He seemed surprised or shocked. I didn’t really understand his body language but he spoke to me like nothing had happened. He acted pretty normal. Since I stayed there for the weekend I asked him if he was free because I wanted to go somewhere for a drink or anything. And he said that I had done well by asking him but he was already busy and if I would have written to him earlier he might have gone. He asked me to see him the next day in the morning since I was leaving in the afternoon. So I texted him in the morning and he called me about a half hour later and told me that he doesn’t have his car to pick me up because he had stayed at his sister’s last night.

SO anyway we managed to meet about an hour later because he got a ride and we do what we usually do: Walk around and converse. He always pays for everything when we get something to eat. He’s a gentleman. So when I have to catch the train to get home we don’t kiss or anything, we just kinda hug and say a few things and that’s about it. He told me that we would hear each other out on FB even though he has my number. I don’t get it. And that’s the second time he said it. The first time was after our walk at the park, but he never wrote to me and I didn’t bother either.

So after this date (let’s call it a date.. I don’t really know what it was) when I got to my town I sent him a message the next day on FB saying something on a book we were discussing, and I also said something like he seemed a bit strange when I left, because he really was. His body language is confusing. And he doesn’t answer me on FB. And then I wrote him another message asking him if he was upset about what I had said. He answered me only about a week later saying that he was sorry but he had been very busy with work and he wasn’t upset. He said that he doesn’t remember being strange or worried like I had assumed. But he said that maybe I saw something he wasn’t aware of. Anyway he finished his message by asking me to write to him if I have any news.

I wrote to him another message..maybe I was pushy again because in the end I like the guy, but he didn’t answer me for about 3 to 4 days so I decided to cancel my account on Facebook and I have not heard from him since then. Not even a message or call. It’s been about three weeks now. I don’t get it. I mean he asks me to go out. There is a lot of attraction. It seemed like he was interested but now not even a message. Help! I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should text the guy. Also because I won’t see him for a long time now. I’m busy with work and maybe I will only see him next month. Maybe..

What should i do?

Jane

Dear Jane,

Thanks for writing to us. We’ll try and sort through all of your question/s. We’re going to give you some tough love, only because we think you’re missing a few important insights here. It all comes from a good place.

On the surface it might seem like this guy is giving you mixed signals. But once you delve down a bit we think you’ll see that his behavior has been reasonably consistent. A lot of how you’re feeling is stemming from some of your assumptions.

We think you’re reading too much into some of this guy’s behavior. You say he stared at you and was attracted to you, but how do you really know why he was staring? His subsequent actions undermine your theory of attraction. You also assumed he was cold to you by his reply via text. But how can you assign feelings to words on a screen? Yes, a lot of people do that, and that’s why conducting relationships via email, text, or Facebook can be very dangerous. Making assumptions about what’s going on in someone’s head when they just write something like “OK” is not a good idea. (That’s just an example) You also assume because he pays for you that you’re on a date. He may very well be a gentlemen, but that doesn’t mean he wants anything more than a friendship with you.

Let’s take a step back here. Your relationship with this guy started out as friends because you belong to the same association. He never actually made his intentions known to you. It was you that broke the ice on Facebook once your were single again. And so this makes us wonder if he was really interested. Yes, once you inquired he agreed to get together. And maybe he wasn’t sure how he felt and wanted to go out with you and see. But it seems pretty clear that he didn’t want to pursue a relationship, otherwise he would have. (You’ve made it clear you’re open to it.) In fact it seems you took the initiative pretty much every time you two interacted. Typically guys will pursue if they’re interested. So in the future, even if you’re very excited about a guy, you have to let him be the one to initiate.

The other thing we’ll suggest is: Try not to read into everything so much. Clearly you’re an intuitive person, who’s very in touch with her feelings and emotions. Not everyone will be as intuitive as you, and subsequently won’t think or behave the way you do. People are built differently, and this is not just a guy and girl thing. It’s a personality thing. (See Myers Briggs) Try and take a step back and not react so much. For example: Since he didn’t respond to you, you deleted your Facebook account. Some people are very inconsistent at communicating. This is more a a reflection of their own deficiencies.

We hope you’re still able to go to your association meetings even though things might be a little awkward with this guy. If you do, and you see him, just smile and be nice. No need to rehash anything or try and get some more info out of him. We don’t think he’s going to offer you anything more. Just be friendly and move on, and start thinking about getting yourself back out in the dating world.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

 

 

 

33 Comments on This guy’s actions are confusing

  1. So a friend of mine recently (just over 2 months ago) broke up with his gf of 4 years, she broke up with him as the relationship had started to crumble and she was going travelling for 6 months without him.
    All her stuff has been boxed and moved out of their shared house and there is no pictures of them around (he has just signed a new contract for a different house so will be moving soon)
    During this time we have become extremely close, talking until the early hours of the morning, texting each other almost all day even when we’re both at work (he even sends we cutesy messages at 4am to make sure im sleeping well and i have something to read when i wake up) We have slept together a few times and it’s never felt awkward or been when either of us were drunk. We’ve both said that we’re not wanting to rush into anything due to both of us finishing long term relationships and him admitting he had never really had a break between gfs in the past.
    He’s told people he knows he’d like to see where it goes with us and we’ve even spent the last weekend at his dad’s house.
    He kisses me openly in public and isnt trying to hide that we’re more than friendly.

    This sounds all well and good but my problem lies in his ex. Before she left for travelling she told him that when she comes back she’d like to start fresh with him and try again. When I asked him if he would want to get back together he replied ‘no, not really’
    wouldn’t he just of said ‘no’ if there was no chance at all?

    I just want to know that i’m not the fill in until she returns and hes not just using me for sex.

  2. @CJ……..The worry shouldn’t be about the ex. If he’s clear where he stands it shouldn’t matter what she thinks or does. Yes, his answer could have been more definitive, but it certainly wasn’t wishy washy. Unfortunately you’re just going to have to wait and see how this plays out. It doesn’t seem like he’s into his ex but sometimes it takes a while to extract oneself from a relationship. It sounds like maybe they haven’t really had a chance to actually put closure on the relationship since she went traveling so soon after the breakup. You’re just going to have to be patient on this one. Trust your gut. If you think he really cares for you then it’s worth waiting it out, and just trying to go with the flow. It’s hard for us to say how he feels about you, but it sounds positive, especially the fact that you spend the weekend at his dad’s house AND that he’s affectionate with you in public. Good luck.

  3. Hi Guys,

    I’m new to the dating world. So here’s the story: I met this guy on an online dating site. We emailed back and forth for a few days. He said he gets a really good vibe from me and that this vibe could either be the start of a relationship or a good friendship. We traded numbers and he called me. We talk for an hour or so. Phone calls and texts occur over the next two weeks. He asks me out. At the date/first meeting he pays for my dinner and talks quite a bit. He seems interested. When he’s dropping me off he mentions that maybe we should hang out again and I could meet his friends. As I’m saying bye he gives me a fist bump rather then a hug. Following the date hes been texting me still and has called as well. My question is, was that fist bump and him inviting me to hang out again with him and his friends a red flag for him basically implying that he just wants to be friends? Should I wait out a few more hang outs before I start questioning his actions? I’m not sure if I’m analyzing the situation too much since I just met him. Please help and give me some insight?!?

  4. @Luz……When we think of a red flag we think of an action or behavior that implies a character flaw. There’s nothing wrong with having another friend, unless of course, you’re not looking for friendship but a relationship. We’re reading the fist bump the way you are: he’d like to be friends with you, but he’s not interested in a relationship. But if you like him, we don’t see any harm in hanging out with him a few more times just to be sure. You never know. Some guys act strange when they’re feeling nervous. But, if you keep getting fist bumps after seeing him a few more times then it’s time to move on.

  5. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 11, 2012 at 11:38 am //

    One day I visited a debate meeting for the first time at our school to see if I would like to join. When I walked into the room, I took a seat at the back and I noticed this guy kept turning around to look at me. He became really nervous and fidgety. Every few seconds he would turn around and stare at me for a few seconds. I didn’t pay him any mind at the time because I had a boyfriend and well I really just didn’t care. Afterwards I started noticing him around a lot more often and I noticed that he would stare at me from a distance and when I looked at him, he would turn the other way. About a week afterwards, I found out he had a girlfriend. I noticed her then. He would hang around her a lot. But one day he was sitting next to her, I looked in his direction and I saw him staring at me. His friends are her friends and suddenly they started staring at me really really funny- like they really really just didn’t like me. Suddenly, they broke up. I went to a debates party (thinking all this time he was interested in me) and in the end, he sat next to her. I was a bit hurt and confused because I was starting to take interest in him I decided to add him on facebook. And so he added me.But during lunch and before and after school he would hang around her, but sometimes when he was by himself with neither her or her (and his) friends around, he would stare at me. But now even though they are not together, it seems like they are trying to get back together because he tweets a lot about her. I joined the debate club just last week and when I walked into the room, I would have sworn his eyes softened just a bit when he looked at me. He never looks directly at me and refers to me as “her or she”. Should I talk to him? What is he doing? Does he have any interest in me? I feel like if I don’t do anything now, I’ll lose out. Is he afraid to approach me because of his friends and his ex? Am I intimidating him? Or is he just not interested? 🙁 Help!

  6. @Vanessa……We’re assuming you’re not with your boyfriend anymore. Yes, he sounds interested, but he’s entrenched in this other relationship. He’s probably not worth pursuing right now until he figures out whether he wants to get back with his ex or not. You might want to wait this out. The best thing to do is show some interest by talking to him in class/debate team and overall, just try and be friendly with him. If he’s intimidated, your overtures will make it easier for him to start talking with you. And hopefully once he really gets to know you he’ll decide it’s okay for him to pursue you. Young guys might pretend they’re completely confident but inside they are a ball of goo. And most of the time they won’t pursue a girl—we’re talking high school here—unless they’re pretty sure she’s not going to reject them. We think he’s interested but a bit confused as to what he wants right now. Hope this helps. Watch our video on dating younger guys. Also, Trust your Gut, and Listen to your Friends. Keep us posted. We’re interested in how this turns out.

  7. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 12, 2012 at 9:12 pm //

    Hey Guys,
    She seems to still have feelings for him and they talk often so I feel as though if I’m going to make a move, I should make it now. Should I try talking to him online? I’m afraid of rejection and disappointment. The likelihood of them getting back together is high. He even tweeted that there was a possibility. I want to get to know him but my fear of being hurt is holding me back. It won’t hurt to say hi so tomorrow I think I’ll start with that and see how he responds.

  8. @Vanessa…….If the likelihood of them getting back together is high then that means he still has feelings for her. And even if he decided to pursue you it’s still likely he would be confused, which means he wouldn’t be 100% committed to you. Which means they could still get back together even if he was dating you. Is that what you want? But if you really want to reach out to him you have to make that decision. You know the situation better than we do. Rejection and disappointment are no fun. But we still say they are better than regret. And if you are going to regret not doing anything, then you should reach out. But our advice is the same: Show some interest, get to know him, and be patient. (Sorry, we wish we could do more.) Take care.

  9. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 13, 2012 at 5:24 pm //

    Hey Guys,
    I think he may have feelings for her. I still have feelings for my ex. And if we ever hung out again, I believe we might just end up “slipping up”. So, I still have that in the forefront of my mind. Today, I joined the debates team and he did make an attempt to get my attention again! When I first arrived, a mutual friend of ours called me out from across the room and introduced me to him from across the room. They were both laughing, so I wasn’t sure if he was serious when he smiled and asked, “hey, would you please call me? call me please”. I didn’t say anything, I just giggled and took a seat. I took a seat next to the person that introduced me and overheard him talking about me. In a way, I felt he was talking so that I’d hear me. I couldn’t really make out what he was saying but I did hear him say, “I’d wife that” jokingly. He made eye contact a lot today and at one point he rested his head on his bag and stared. This might sound strange, but this confused me even more because suddenly he receives a burst of confidence? He still didn’t directly come up and talk to me but maybe he was waiting for me to come up to him? I want to talk to him-perhaps online, but I’m also really really shy. I was thinking about talking to him online but I really don’t want to “chase” after him. Shouldn’t he be coming after me? you said I should reach out to him, so in your opinion, should I try talking to him online first? Or should I make it more personal and talk to him in person?

  10. @Vanessa……You’re right. He should be the one taking the initiative as far as asking you out, etc. What we mean by reaching out to him is, be friendly, chat with him in class, etc. Make it easier for him to take the risk to pursue you. But no, you should not be the one taking this to the next level, he should. Because if he does pursue you, you’ll know that he’s at least somewhat interested. If you pursue him you won’t really know. Hope this helps.

  11. @Vanessa……ps. We also don’t really love the online stuff. Face-to-Face is best in this type of situation especially since you’ll be seeing each other in debate team.

  12. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 14, 2012 at 4:14 pm //

    Hey Guys,
    I understand what your saying now. We don’t really have any classes together only lunch but even then his friends sometimes watch me like a hawk, especially when his ex is around. So if not online then how and where should I talk to him?

  13. @Vanessa…..Oh we thought you had debate team together. THat seemed like a good place to chat with him. Cafeteria? Do you seem him in the halls? Etc. Well if all you have is online then do what you must, but keep in mind everything we said. Maybe talking online will help him open up to you a bit. But remember, he needs to be the one to ask you out, or ask you to do something.

  14. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 14, 2012 at 5:44 pm //

    Oh yes we do have debates team together but I didn’t want to jump on the opportunity do quickly. We just don’t have any regular classes together. I’ll make sure to keep in mind everything you guys said. I’ll be friendly with him in person first by just hailing him and then talk to him online tomorrow night. Wish me luck 🙂

  15. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 16, 2012 at 8:25 pm //

    I’m talking to him now, he gave me both his cell and his house number but his replies are just answers to my questions. How disappointing. :s

  16. @Vanessa…..sorry to hear. Keep us posted.

  17. Vanessa Gwyneth // March 17, 2012 at 9:43 am //

    Okay, well as the conversation went on we had a lot more to talk about. He gave me his number but he didn’t ask for mine..I told him that I probably wouldn’t text him but he gave it to me anyways-both his cell and house. I don’t think it’s a good idea to call. Do you?

  18. @Vanessa……..Let him call you. You’ve reached out a lot already.

  19. Vanessa Gwyneth // April 25, 2012 at 9:59 pm //

    Well, I haven’t written in a while because so much has happened. There’s so much to tell, so I’ll try my best to condense it. I think he’s embarrassed around me when his friends are around-except his best friend. She’s a really nice girl. Whenever his friends are not around, he smiles at me and tries to talk to me, yet I can feel the tension and awkwardness between us. He stutters and fidgets and its very hard to hold a conversation around him. One day, we started our meeting with a prayer. I usually keep my eyes open and when I looked over at him, I caught him glancing at me. He tried to initiate conversation online a few times and we even talked about hanging out but nothing has happened so far. One day, I accidentally left a few of my books where he and his best friend were sitting. I asked them if they had seen it-only she answered, he just stated. As I walked away with my books I overheard her say “you’re getting a but frantic there”. Around his other group of friends is a completely different story. When they spot me and him together they begin to smile and laugh and he immediately stops talking and becomes extremely uncomfortable. One of his friends admitted to liking me one day and I declined him nicely but he still thinks something is going on between us. Lets call him John and lets call the guy I like Danny. I was on a friend’s twitter one day and I saw Danny’s twitter page. He made a remark saying that he had been “winning the girl he wanted” and John responded by saying something like “well that’s not your things” (referring to me)and that me and him (John) were dating :s. Danny responded in a hurtful way-just shrugging it off and in fact referring to me as a “cutter” (slang for a girl he just flirts with. I’ve never even lead him on- I don’t think. The next day, he avoided me completely! He hid behind his best friend when he saw me walking down the hall and usually he says hi to me when we see each other but he didn’t! My friend asked him (pretending as if I hadn’t known what he said) why he said that about me. She said he looked appalled to see that she knew it was about me. He said “we were just goofing around”. He said he had become defensive about it.Today, he was hanging outside of my class and the moment he spotted me, he left. He turned around pretending to look in another classroom but I saw him look at me. He turned around so I decided to just call him. When I did he turned around and smiled. Every time he says hi he says it in such a formal way-making sure to use my name. I wish he would be more playful. Anyways, I joked around asking him why he avoided me yesterday. He tightened up and shrugged his head and denied it. He hurried in the locker room as soon as we got in front of it. How strange, I thought. Later after school he was with my friends and when they spotted me they smiled and so did he but not at me. It seemed as if there was some private joke I just don’t know about. What his problem? What should I do? He’s obviously very shy to talk to me in person and I’m not sure how to respond to that? Should I just ignore him since he seems to be embarrassed of me in front of his friends or should I invite him out for that “date” we talked about?

  20. Vanessa Gwyneth // April 25, 2012 at 10:01 pm //

    Another thing, ever since that little situation on twitter, he talks about his ex. :s

  21. Vanessa Gwyneth // April 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm //

    I had forgotten to mention also that one day, he had a family emergency but while he waited he came to debates just to watch my speech. During the discussion we exchanged notes and talked a lot more often. But that was quite a while ago.

  22. @Vanessa………..Thanks for filling us in. Well, honestly this might be getting more complicated than it’s worth. You’ve given him every opportunity to ask you out and he hasn’t done anything about it. Sure, you could ask him, but we’d rather see him take some initiative. Maybe he’s really shy, but the ice has been broken, and we’d think by now, if he was going to ask you out he would have. Don’t you think? Why don’t you take a different approach and just go about your business and stop worrying about this guy. That may provoke some kind of response from him. If it doesn’t then you’ll probably have your answer. That he’s not going to ask you out. We wish we could give you more uplifting feedback but once things get this complicated and confusing that usually isn’t the best sign. Take care and feel free to ask a question anytime. ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  23. I have a dilemma…im in a relationship with J for a year…its not going so smooth…..i recently befriended A, a guy who is in a relationship too….he is apparently happy with his far distance relationship…he used to show me text messages sent by her and the valentines and birthday cards she sent him and he brags about their relationship a lot…he even asks my opinion of gifts that he wants to send to her…however i notice that he likes to tease me all the time, call me the nicknames my boyfriend calls me, laugh at my jokes even if its not funny and pats my head occasionally…he even punches me playfully if i pretend not to hear whatever he says…when we are planning for a day out with our friends…he keeps telling he will not hear any excuses for me not to come and he keeps saying it whenever we meet….there this once the lights went off…my boyfriend and i were having dinner with him and a few others and he was sitting right next to me….the waiter brought out the candle and he was playing with the wax till it covered his fingers…then later he told me to remove it for him…he could have done it himself……i dnt understand….another thing that really worries me…he orders my boyfriend to do things for me..like bringing me to the clinic when i am sick and asking him to take care of me and meet my needs till my boyfriend got ticked off by his actions….besides that, there was this incident where J and i were in a bar having a drink to celebrate A’s birthday , a random guys starts touching me the wrong way because he was too drunk to realise it…or that is what i think…J just warned him and he let it go…but when A heard about it, he was so furious , he was actually telling J that he wants wring that guy’s neck for good because he behaved badly towards me and he held my hand asking for forgiveness in behalf of that guy…i find this hard to digest.. what is really happening and why is he doing this?

  24. @Vie…….Whatever he’s doing it’s inappropriate. Our sense is that he sees you as a close friend, but he’s overstepped his bounds now. Your boyfriend has a right to be annoyed, and frankly you need to be clear about some boundaries with him. (Not that you need to stop being friends with him, but he’s starting to drift into boyfriend territory.) But let’s back up. What’s going on with you? Is his behavior bothering you, or do you kind of like it? Or him? Just wondering, because if you really didn’t like it, we would think you would have already told him to stop. So do you secretly have a crush on him? Also, what’s going on with your boyfriend J? Are you not happy? Why? That might help us figure this whole situation out.

  25. J is a very childish guy….he loves playing games, party all the time..he is a nice guy…he helps everyone when it comes to their assignments but he does not finish his on time and he failed some of his subjects..i never liked him drinking and smoking…he does it frequently..his friends are spoiling him…when i advise him, he gets angry and pinpoints other people’s mistakes…sometimes he just shrugs it off and says ‘ Dont worry and think too much….just enjoy our college life..dont spoil the fun’ and then keeps doing the same thing..he makes me feel irritated all the time and i almost broke up with him…he cried and i just couldnt bear to look at him that way…so i didnt…i know he loves me a lot but i could not stand up to that attitude…it is going to be our two year anniversary soon but i dont feel like celebrating..i just feel disappointed…i am losing the love i have for him…i do care for him…but i think he is not ready for a serious relationship because he still follows his friends wherever they go and he cant say no to their wants…i want a serious relationship because i am about to finish my degree and start working and i need to make sure that i am with the right guy but he is making me doubt it…he is still in his diploma and he is of the same age as me..he is not taking his life seriously and i feel that he will not take me seriously too in the future…i confide my problems to A because he is a very close friend to both of us…he listens and advise me..i told A to advise J so that J might listen to him..but its not working….A is a year younger than us and he is currently in his degree too…so i think J does not want to listen to A because he might bruise his pride…i love talking to A and he is more like me….we are serious about our future…we cant seem to run out of things to talk about..but now things had change differently and A is making J feel insecure and jealous for no reason..i just dont know how to react to these things…J is watching whatever A is doing..but he just keeps quiet and say nothing of it..it makes me feel i am overreacting and i should just do the same thing…but i feel weird and i am confused….what should i do?

  26. @Vie…..Okay, this helps explain some of this—at least the part about how you feel about J and your relationship—but how do you really feel towards A? Do you have a crush on him, or has he just opened your eyes to the possibility of a true connection with a man? And if A made a real play for you—let’s say he broke up with his girlfriend—would you be receptive and then break up with J?
    You need to think about these things and understand what you really want. If you’re having feelings for A and the fact that you connect so well is making you doubt your connection with J, it might be time to take a hard look at your current relationship and make a decision about it. It’s always best to decide about your current relationship BEFORE you muddy the waters with someone else.

  27. Hey guys,
    So i’ve been kind of seeing this guy for over two months now. We’ve only seen each other 5 times, but i’ve started developing feelings for him.

    After the second time seeing him he told me he really liked me(who knows if this is actually true). After the fourth time I saw him we ended up in bed together, I told him I was a virgin (i’m 20) and he said that was fine(who knows though). We still fooled around and I told him that night that I liked him. He said he wanted to take things slow because his crazy ex girlfriend messed him up by cheating on him and and I said that was fine because I actually don’t want to rush into anything. But since then he wasn’t texting me as often and seemed withdrawn. I was confused at where this whole thing was going so I asked him what’s up and that things need to end if this isn’t going anywhere because I didn’t want to get hurt. He told me he does have feelings for me, he would never string me along and he doesn’t want to hurt me but he wants to take it slow and he’s confused himself.
    Long story but we continued to on and off text here and there, he told me if things go further with us he wouldn’t stop it so I kept developing these feelings and probably this false sense of hope that something would happen.
    I saw him last week (he told me he missed hanging out) we went out in the night and then ended up back in bed (still did not have sex), he texted me after being all sweet but we haven’t spoken since the day after I saw him as he hasn’t contacted me and I wrote the last text. I’m just really confused to as what this is if anything at all and how slow is taking it slow? Is he playing me or does he like me? Should I text him and ask him or because he’s already said ‘I want to take it slow’ should I just back off and wait for him to take initiative?

    Thanks guys

  28. Jessica // June 25, 2013 at 9:30 pm //

    Hey guys,
    So I’ve been seeing this guy, Joe, for almost 3 months. I know it’s a little bit of time
    but it feels a lot longer because we’ve gotten to know each other so well. We talk over
    the phone and we’ve went on dates. I met him through a mutual friend, Frank, who goes to
    my school. Frank had shown Joe pictures of me and talked to him about me but I hadn’t seen
    pictures of Joe until a few minutes before they picked Kathy and I up. Kathy is one of my
    best friends and Frank’s girlfriend. So the day we met was an amazing day. We had so much
    fun and I’m pretty sure we seemed like a couple to the public because we held hands and
    hugged and kissed. When we went back to school, Frank asked me what did I do to Joe because Joe would not stop talking about me and how much fun we had! We’ve went on many other dates since then and we’ve done the usual things young couples do, except sex. Whenever we talk, he takes the time to get to know me. He introduced me to his family and he doesn’t seem embarrassed to show people that we’re a thing (I can’t say an official couple). When we go out, he always wants to buy me things like food or small gifts. Also, we recently attended an event that was closer to his home. He knew a lot of people there and even introduced me as his girlfriend to some of his friends. Anyways, he’s never officially
    asked me to be his girlfriend and it stresses me out not knowing what Joe and I are; if
    we’re a couple, not a couple, friends with benefits, in an open relationship. Will he ever ask me out? Or will we be one of those couples that just start calling themselves a couple even though neither of them asked the other one out? Or was he not expecting me to be in his life this long? Or are all his sweet gestures his way of getting me to fall for him so he can get laid?

  29. @jessica…..So have you started having sex yet? Our rule: You need to have the “talk” BEFORE you have sex not after. Three months is plenty of time to inquire what is going on. Don’t pressure him, just tell him you care about him and would like to see him exclusively. Sure, you might be giving up a little power for now, but someone’s got to do it. It would be better if it was him, but if you’re feeling stressed about it then you’re going to have to be the one. You could also wait a few more weeks and hint around it. Your call. Good luck. ps. No guarantees of course. We can’t say what he’ll say or do, but at least you’ll know.

  30. Hi guys, I’m hannah and i’m confused…I’ve liked this guy for four years now. We have always been friends and talked off and on even dated once in junior high. When we are together he makes me feel like i’m the only girl in the world he gave me a massage and cuddled with me. he treated me so right. He wouldn’t stop looking in my eyes and smiling. I caught him staring at me while i slept. He even said he feels really comfortable around me. we connected so well. we had a long talk he asked me about my ex and he talked about how his ex hurt him but he’s over her but it hurt his self esteem. the night was perfect. The thing is he never texts me.. ever. he changes plans alot too like he doesn’t want to hang out. He has a past with flirting with girls but i don’t know if he likes me or maybe he has his guard up since he got hurt pretty bad from his last relationship. should i just let him be? did he change his mind about how he feels? or am i just another girl to him? every time we ‘talk” we stop for no reason it’s been a pattern throughout the years. I really care for him and want it to work someday. i haven’t told him how i felt but the signs i give are obvious. he is very handsome so he has a lot of choices.

  31. Ok so i’ve known this guy (x) since first grade but we never actually got to know each other really well before last year during a summer school trip. We spent a lot of time together and he always made me laugh, we soon became great friends. During senior year I dated another of his friends, but it just didnt work. When i was having problems with him, x was always trying to help me out. When I got dumped by this guy, x came up to me and walked me home talking to me all the way. He was super nice with me that day, and I think that from that I started having a liiittle crush on him but I didnt tell anybody.

    I was also ironically always helping him with the many girls he tried to get with (and failing). He was always complimenting me but also confiding really personal stuff, telling me “I was the only person he could tell this to”. So I wondered why he wouldn’t want to try getting with me. It took him an year but finally, at prom night he invited me to his place. At first it was really chill, I then started saying I had to go but he wouldn’t tell me his address (so that I could take a cab), because he wanted me to stay. I liked him but I didn’t want anything to happen because school was nearly over, plus it would have been really awkward because we were now in the same group of friends and always went out together. Before I could even realize it we were falling asleep together. He was sweetly caressing me and automatically, I put my arm around his chest. He kept caressing me for another 10 minutes and it was getting really awkward, so reeeeally slowly I got closer and closer to him and we kissed. He later told me that the moment I put my arm around him he was the happiest guy ever; that he would have never imagined this could have really happened. He was so so sweet with me, and again wouldn’t let me go. I asked him to not tell anybody about that night but I found out later that he obviously did.

    I was also really scared that things would have gotten really awkward between us, and that we would have stopped being friends. I told him this and he promised me everything would have remained the same if we wanted it to. I left the morning after, and in the afternoon he texted me jokingly, showing me that nothing would have been awkward.

    We then left for our senior trip and the second night we were drunk and hooked up in a club in front our friends. We hooked up for all of the following nights, seeing the sunrise at the beach together. We did stuff only on the last night, where he also tried to have sex but I said no because I wanted the first time to be with someone special, and he replied “I wish i were that special one”. The awkward thing is that we always hooked up during the night when drunk/high (what do you think it means?) The only time he came up to me (sober) he said that he was annoyed cos he couldnt stop thinking about me, and this would have been a problem as we had only one week left together and then we had to leave for uni. I was so embarassed so I just blurted “Its okay, its a summer fling, its nothing serious”. I felt bad for saying that so in the end i decided to kiss him during the day at the beach (never in front of our friends though cos I was really embarrassed).

    We then left but said bye to eachother just by hugging. He left for a month and never wrote to me until the day before coming back. I felt like shit cos he was so sweet to me when together but didnt bother even texting me for a month (even just as a friend!) When he finally did write to me I answered and we managed to meet up in our hometown. I invited him out with a group of friends because I didnt want things to be awkward (just us two), but he said he was too tired from his trip so he told me i could come to his place like the first night. I was really annoyed initially (because he wouldnt come see me) but I really wanted to see him so I went. We watched a movie, smoked together and slept together. He also asked me to take a shower with him, I didnt want to because I was afraid he would try to have sex and I didnt want to turn him down again. He insisted so we showered, but weirdly, he didnt try to have sex. Why do you think? Is it a good sign (shows he really cares for me and respects me) or bad sign (shows he’s not that attracted to me)?

    Anyways that night i decided to tell him that I wanted him to write to me more often, and he reacted a bit weirdly. He started going on about university and different paths, as if he were assuming I was telling him I wanted to date him. So i started telling him that I wanted to hear from him even just as a friend. He said an awkward “ok” and the conversation ended there. I felt weird cos during the senior trip he was the one talking about the future and I was the one taking things really chill (living the moment)

    Anyways apart for that he was extremely sweet with me the whole night and we had a really good time together. After that, he didn’t write to me for a week. I came back to our hometown three days ago, and he was supposed to have left. I found out today that he changed his plans and was still here, and i got kind of pissed because he knew I was coming back and didnt tell me anything (we could have seen each other for 3 nights!!!) So i decided to write to him.. I’ve heard you’re home, is it true? And he texted back: Yes! Are you too?? (so maybe he didnt remember I was coming back) ..and i texted back: yes!! do you know if anybody is doing anything tonight? ..and he texted: nope, i havent heard anybody. And the conversation ended there. He didnt ask me to meet up or anything and I was really annoyed by that. Ive noticed im the one always texting him. his friend says generally that its not me but its him who is forgetful and careless, and because it is summer he doesnt even think about writing to me. But its weird cos when we’re together he’s the sweeter one between us two (ive never met a guy so sweet), it looks as if he really really likes me. Sometimes he just likes staying in bed together hugging eachother. But then again maybe he acts like this only when he knows he can get something out of it. Now with these texts he’s acting so distant I don’t get why, is it because he’s afraid I think we’re going to date?

    Now we’re both moving to England for university. I’m going to London and he’s going just 40 mins outside London. I don’t know what to do Im so confused because I have never got along so well with a guy whom I’m also attracted to and I really don’t get what he wants from me. At first he looked like the sweet one really into the thing, but now its as if he doesnt care anymore. Do you think he is actually into me? What do you think I should do? Just go back as friends? Or hope that we could get into some sort of open relationship (because of uni)? I just don’t want to lose him or make things get awkward between us. PLEASE HELP ME!!
    PS. tomorrow is my last night home, should I text him again asking him if he’s doing something? or should I just stop running after him (now that he knows I’m home too!)

  32. Trinity T // May 17, 2017 at 1:32 pm //

    Supposedly you and your boyfriend made out a couple times, that is cuddling, caressing, strip tease, sucking, even fingering. But then he keeps pressuring the girl to have sex, he wants to have intercourse, but she’s not ready, because she’s a virgin and would like to make sure the guy she gives it to is interested in her and not just to get the opportunity to get to be the one who goes into her sack first? What is this girl to do? At times he even get mad at the girl whenever she’s not in the mood to make out, when she holds her ground to not let him touch her certain parts of her body on most days, because this girl is moody. But then there are good qualities this guy shows that made the girl question herself about not being too sure about him. The guy would chat to her, dance with her, share his planned about the future with this girl, talk about marriage with this girl and about having kids, my gosh, he even makes the girl swear on these things that she’ll do them all with him, to which she did promise. There was even this one time when the girl just up and pack and went away without telling this guy, and the girl’s friend and sister call this guy and tell them that she is gone, to which the guy leave worked early, and checked three times with the friend and family if she has been heard from. Somehow the guy gets the girl phone number and checks in on her. She heard relief in his voice when she answered, and ask her please to come back. And when she does come back he and the girl made out, then he pressures her for sex, for intercourse again, to which the girl still denied him. So he then quits, and settled to cuddled with the girl, and during cuddling with the girl, he confessed to loving her, to which the girl didn’t say it back because she didn’t believe him, for maybe he was high from making out and didn’t mean it. But should the girl had believe him about him loving her? Plus he even made the girl promised him that she’d never leave him, that she’d stay with him and that she’d built a family with him. But the girl is afraid that he’s only saying these things so that her resolve might melt and allow him to go all the way with her. Is it possible that he would do this? Then there were times he brought the girl to introduce her to his family, and when his brother and mother ask him if this girl was his wife, he answered yes. What should the girl make of this? She’s just still worried that it’s her virginity he wants to take then he’ll be on his merry way, leaving her heart broken. And why the girl is thinking this it’s because it’s some comment he made in the pass, like for example: he would say to the girl that she’s divine and those are the type of girl he loves. The girl even tested him once, saying that she’s gonna remain a virgin for the rest of her life, to which he say that suppose she found another man in the future, is that what she’s gonna tell him too? Like why would he even say that, mention another guy when the girl has no intention of leaving him? But to the girl it seems as if he’s not planning on sticking around whenever he get what he wants, her virginity. Is the girl right again to be thinking? But she’s confuse too about his action, like why would he made promises to her, take her to meet his family, share his dreams with her if he’s not really interested in her? He even made tea and breakfast for this girl. But it’s the mixed signals the girl is watching out for. Also, when a guy want sex from a girl, what does he really want? Does it mean to have intercourse with her, his nook, into her nookie? Can’t they satisfy with just making out even fingering until the girl’s ready to go all the way? So is it intercourse they really want, especially if it’s just sex he wants and not really the girl herself? And if the girl chooses to leave, will he have anything over her despite him and her making out? Or will his intention have fail without actually getting to have sexual intercourse with her? And even through all this, the girl still want to trust him, she still want to give him a chance because she’s really crazy about him? And one thing in particular, I read your post about guys compartmentalizing girl, and it got me thinking back to when we first met, on our second day of meeting he grabbed me and kiss me without warning, then it lead to him caressing me between the legs and he wouldn’t have stop if I’d never told him I was a virgin. It’s like his whole perception of me change then, it’s like he didn’t saw me has a fwb again, could this really happen, a guy’s perception of a girl changing from worse to better? But then why then would he still be pressuring her for sex if his perception had change? The girl is worried about these things, she’s especially worrying that once he gets between her legs, his initial assessment of her will return, he’ll just see her as fwb rather than a king lasting partner. So should the girl get out while she can before she eventually give him the one thing that he’s been holding out for, before she stays and gets more hurt or eventually getting really hurt if she gave this guy her virginity, or should she just trust him and see where this could go? What do you guy think about what he really wants from me? His just hoping to fulfill the chance of deflowering a virgin?

  33. @Trinity….Your question/note is a bit long and a little hard to follow. How old is your boyfriend? How old are you? Are you exclusive to each other? How long have you gone out for? Do you trust him?

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