Alright boys, get ready for this one..
I am 18, and a university student. I grew up in a small, gorgeous town with a close family. I have dated several people in my own age range, but never really found anything in common. This year, I started to realize I had feelings for someone TWICE MY AGE. Not in a gross way, just an honest to God, “we can talk about anything”, comfortable attraction. We had tons in common, he appears to be a lot younger.. basically the conversations never ended. We talked about everything from music, to life goals, to just general things. We were just content to be talking. The day finally came when he admitted he was attracted to me, but did not want to do anything- out of respect-and due to the bizarre and uncomfortable situation. We continued to talk and grow closer, always avoided the fact that we had feelings for one another. Soon, the happiness and bliss were overridden by constant frustration. He was the perfect guy for me, we suited each other’s personalities perfectly- but could NOT be together. We spent time together in person, always trying to maintain an air of “big bro & little sis”. We handled it fairly well. Now the frustration has led to us being out of each other’s lives completely. I don’t want him to go, but we were never together anyways, and we have such a hard time being “just friends”. Help!
Thanks for writing. Life never ceases to be interesting does it?
First of all, no matter what situation you find yourself in, there are always tons of reasons to NOT do something. If you’re an artist, everyone says, “Give it up, it’s too hard, just do it as a hobby, you’ll never make it.” We could cite example after example of reasons to not pursue careers, passions, or people. So for kicks, let’s look at all the reasons not to proceed forward in your situation.
Cons for Both of You:
1. He’s twice your age. (That just looks funny.)
2. Your family won’t approve. (They want you to have a “normal” relationship. )
3. Eventually he’ll get sick of you, and find someone he has more in common with.
4. Eventually you’ll get sick of him, because he’ll be middle-aged when you’re in your twenties.
5. Strangers will think you’re father and daughter.(He could be your father.)
6. It just looks weird.
7. You’re at very different places in your life.
8. You won’t be allowed to blossom and experience life the way a young person should.
9. Your friends will criticize you and make fun of you. His friends will do the same, but his guy friends will also be jealous.
10. You’re too young. You just don’t know enough to make a good decision.
We could go on and on, but you get our point. We’re not going to tell you what to do. All of the reasons stated above are good reasons not to proceed. But you also gave a lot of reasons why it might be worth exploring.
You have to ultimately decide what’s right for you, and that can be difficult with so many other people weighing in.
We won’t tell you that the road will be perfect if you do decide to give it a go. We won’t lie to you. Most people will think your guy friend is getting the better end of the deal. He’s an older guy possibly dating a young, attractive woman. Some people will even think it’s gross. That’s not for us to say one way or another. Everyone’s different. Every situation is different. Any time people come together with different backgrounds it’s more difficult to sort through issues. But the best way to do that is talk, talk, talk, and it sounds like that’s one of the things you two have going for you.
Take a hard look at what you want. You may decide it’s best to move on from this situation. Or you might decide it’s worth exploring. If you do move forward it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind if it doesn’t seem right to you at a later point.
We hope this helps put things in perspective for you.
Good luck and keep us posted.
ps. We may be discussing this on an upcoming podcast too. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Listen and subscribe on itunes. Or here.