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Twice my age

Dear Guys,

Alright boys, get ready for this one..
I am 18, and a university student. I grew up in a small, gorgeous town with a close family. I have dated several people in my own age range, but never really found anything in common. This year, I started to realize I had feelings for someone TWICE MY AGE. Not in a gross way, just an honest to God, “we can talk about anything”, comfortable attraction. We had tons in common, he appears to be a lot younger.. basically the conversations never ended. We talked about everything from music, to life goals, to just general things. We were just content to be talking. The day finally came when he admitted he was attracted to me, but did not want to do anything- out of respect-and due to the bizarre and uncomfortable situation. We continued to talk and grow closer, always avoided the fact that we had feelings for one another. Soon, the happiness and bliss were overridden by constant frustration. He was the perfect guy for me, we suited each other’s personalities perfectly- but could NOT be together. We spent time together in person, always trying to maintain an air of “big bro & little sis”. We handled it fairly well. Now the frustration has led to us being out of each other’s lives completely. I don’t want him to go, but we were never together anyways, and we have such a hard time being “just friends”. Help!

Confused

Dear Confused,

Thanks for writing. Life never ceases to be interesting does it?

First of all, no matter what situation you find yourself in, there are always tons of reasons to NOT do something. If you’re an artist, everyone says, “Give it up, it’s too hard, just do it as a hobby, you’ll never make it.” We could cite example after example of reasons to not pursue careers, passions, or people. So for kicks, let’s look at all the reasons not to proceed forward in your situation.

Cons for Both of You:

1. He’s twice your age. (That just looks funny.)

2. Your family won’t approve. (They want you to have a “normal” relationship. )

3. Eventually he’ll get sick of you, and find someone he has more in common with.

4. Eventually you’ll get sick of him, because he’ll be middle-aged when you’re in your twenties.

5. Strangers will think you’re father and daughter.(He could be your father.)

6. It just looks weird.

7. You’re at very different places in your life.

8. You won’t be allowed to blossom and experience life the way a young person should.

9. Your friends will criticize you and make fun of you. His friends will do the same, but his guy friends will also be jealous.

10. You’re too young. You just don’t know enough to make a good decision.

We could go on and on, but you get our point. We’re not going to tell you what to do. All of the reasons stated above are good reasons not to proceed. But you also gave a lot of reasons why it might be worth exploring.

You have to ultimately decide what’s right for you, and that can be difficult with so many other people weighing in.

We won’t tell you that the road will be perfect if you do decide to give it a go. We won’t lie to you. Most people will think your guy friend is getting the better end of the deal. He’s an older guy possibly dating a young, attractive woman. Some people will even think it’s gross. That’s not for us to say one way or another. Everyone’s different. Every situation is different. Any time people come together with different backgrounds it’s more difficult to sort through issues. But the best way to do that is talk, talk, talk, and it sounds like that’s one of the things you two have going for you.

Take a hard look at what you want. You may decide it’s best to move on from this situation. Or you might decide it’s worth exploring. If you do move forward it doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind if it doesn’t seem right to you at a later point.

We hope this helps put things in perspective for you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

ps. We may be discussing this on an upcoming podcast too. The Guy’s Perspective Podcast. Listen and subscribe on itunes. Or here.

11 Comments on Twice my age

  1. Yeah, this is a tough one. I have TWO girl friends that are married to older men. In fact they havea 20 year age difference. And while they love their husbands very much they have both said this to me:

    When your 20 and the person your dating is 40 that’s one thing. The age difference is easier to overlook because you can still have a lot in common. But when your 45 and your partner is 65, the age difference becomes much more problematic considering a 65 year old cannot keep up with a 45 year old.

    But, like the guys said, sometimes you just have to follow your heart.

  2. First, I’m just stoked the you Guys are writing stuff again. I can’t access the podcasts from work.

    Regarding the subject at hand, I usually go in favor of giving the relationship a shot. Who gives a fig what others say? And who says it’s going to be permanent? No matter who you start a relationship with, odds are it will end at some point. So why not enjoy the experience while you can? If nothing else, you can learn how you should be treated. And you can enjoy going out with someone that’s more interested in you than in Halo 3.

  3. Sorry to have to say this, but I would be pretty suspicious of a 36 year old man interested in an 18 year old woman. In fact, it scares me a little. Why isn’t this fellow dating women closer to his own age? Just think about this. I know your parents will not be happy if you decide to start seeing each other.

  4. (I’m with bluzdude – glad you all are writing again for the same reason, plus my iTunes on my computer has crashed since the last “update” 🙂

    Well, I’m all for large age differences. I like dating older men because we seem to have more in common. Guys my age often still want to hang at the bars or they have young kids at home (nothing wrong with that if you want an instant family – I just don’t happen to want one). I want someone who’s ready to travel and explore the world.

    But I have to agree that at 18 you’ve still got a lot of growing and changing to do. If you can go into it knowing it may not last forever, but you may learn a lot with a great person, then I say go for it. I’ve never been much of a conformist anyway 🙂

  5. I think you just have to follow your heart and not worry about what other people think. It’s your happiness that’s at stake here, not that of your friends, family, etc. You have to do what makes you happy. There are many reasons on either side to either date him or not, you just have to decide what is right for you. Be true to yourself and you can’t go wrong.

  6. PS: I ‘second’ bluzdude! “I’m just stoked the you Guys are writing stuff again” too!!

  7. I agree with Raven – follow your heart. Life’s too short to be concern about what other people might think, besides it’s your life and it’s your happiness at stake. If it doesn’t work out, fine – learn from the lessons it brings and if the relationship works, great for you. If it feels right, I would say go ahead with it. 🙂

    Good luck!

  8. I once dated a man 11 years older than me. I was 24 at the time so I thought I had all of this “experience” and it wouldn’t matter that he was older. How wrong I was! I would say you should both trust your instinct that is pushing you to not be together. You’re 18 and you should live it up. If you date this guy right now, you will be forcing yourself to grow up way too fast.

  9. Take the leap, and have some fun/love. It’ll just be one in a long line of adventures.

  10. follow yo heart,if he makes you hapy and understands you its quite ok,he might even treat you with more maturity than a younger person would and overlook some of your wrongs because he sees u as his “baby”gudluck

  11. @lulu…..Thanks for your input.

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