We met on Tinder. I had no expectations of hooking a boyfriend or anything serious. I just live in an area where the social scene is nothing but partying and things I don’t find interesting.
I am pretty outgoing and even if my date isn’t exactly what I expect, I always make the best and have a good time.
That was M. When he picked me up, he was much shorter than I thought (almost 3 inches shorter than me) kind of nerdy but very handsome. I truely have no physical type. I am attracted to wit, humor and passion. All of which he possessed. We had drinks and hit it off. We had plans to watch a movie after drinks but mostly made out in an innocent enough way. I really liked him and when the date was over, I went home. (I declined offer to go back to his place.) But we ended up talking on the phone like high school kids until the sun rose. Mind you; I am 32 and he is 36.
He called me the next afternoon to ask me out again. I had family plans and we decided to meet up for date two, two days later. We had another three hour convo at a restaurant and he opened up about his childhood and we found we had so much in common. We liked a lot of the same abstract random topics that most people avoid (quantum physics, family dynamics, certain political views ect)
Well…to speed this up and not lose your interest…we ended up going on four dates that week. We both were physically attracted and agreed he would stay over after a little over a week. That’s when the sparks really happened and the chemistry between us was undeniable.
We regularly see each other every weekend sometimes three nights in a row for about three months. Very consistent. We texted ever day. During these stay overs, he would all but profess his love for me. During pillow talk mostly but he always told me how much he was drawn to me and has never felt that way before. Just about three weeks ago he started me mentioning love. Saying it but always in pillow talk or saying how we have such an amazing energy and connection.
I had a feeling…that intuition. We were right on the brink of commitment and a full “loving” relationship. So I created a fake Tinder to see if he was still pursuing other women. He was. He had been looking for women and ended up swiping yes on my fake Tinder profile and reaching out to me. He casually talked to “Amber” all day and even said he might be able to go out on a date later that night.
Well, later that night I called him and I organically brought up the topic of seeing other people. I said that we were getting serious and taking a lot about love and the future.
I said I wasn’t on Tinder with the aim to catch a husband or settle down for the sake of it. So if he is or wants to see others and still date me; that’s totally fine…it is. ( I may have been a little hurt but mature enough to not make a big deal.) He told me he didn’t want to see anyone else and hadn’t. I asked if he was sure because it was okay—I just wanted to have a convo so he could tell me and we could go from there. Again, he said no. I told him I knew he was. I lied and said the Tinder girl was an old friend who put two & two together and told me. I said I’m sure she’s not the only one. I told him that fact he’s acting single and pursuing others isn’t really what hurts—it’s that he could so easily lie to me.
He said he felt foolish and owned up to it. He said he only talked to a few girls and was doing it to test his feelings for me. He said he wasn’t wanting a serious relationship and when he’d met me, he felt strongly for me right away. He said he had never felt do drawn to and connected to anyone before. And he wants to be committed to just me. He talked to those girls to see if his feelings for me could be easily wavered or go away altogether. And he said they never did, every time he always thought of me and wanted me. None of those girls held his interest. I asked him how may times do you need to do that before you be honest with yourself, are you stringing me along until you find someone better? I told him I would never wait around for him to realize what he has. I’m not plan B.
Ultimately we hung out the next day and things were great. Very affectionate and adoring of me. Next morning he said he’s loved me all along, almost right away and wants to be all in with only me.
Should I believe him? Should I get out before it’s too late and it hurts more? I have no idea if he’s pulled a fast one on me or just did a stupid thing and is now ready to accept love in his life. Please help.
Thanks for your question.
Clearly you have very strong feelings for him. And it sounds as if he feels the same about you.
Look, he made a bad mistake, and got busted. It happens. At least he admitted it, apologized, and gave you a pretty good explanation for why he was still on Tinder. Some guys would have kept denying it, even after being caught with their hand in the cookie jar.
So in the end, this comes down to you. He lied to you even if nothing really happened with these other women. So the question is: Do you believe his explanation? Can you learn to trust him again? Or even, do you trust him now, and believe that he truly loves you? (Only you can answer these questions.)
Our advice: From what you describe, he seems like a good enough guy, but you’re still getting to know him. Why don’t really try to get involved in all aspects of his life; meet his friends, family, see what if feels like to be in his life. (Not just in the bedroom.) If you feel you really love him, then why not see how this plays out? You’ll be kicking yourself if you don’t at least explore the possibility. That said, you need to be VERY clear with him. His past behavior is unacceptable. This is an exclusive relationship. (Don’t kid yourself to think that it’s fine if he dates other people. You’d be lying to yourself. And frankly, that’s not how committed relationships work.) If he agrees to commit, then he needs to get off Tinder, and other similar sites and commit 100%—you might want to confirm that he’s done that.
Bottom Line: He needs to grow up and make a decision. Does he want to keep playing the field, or does he want to give this a shot, and see where it can go? Hopefully, he’ll realize how great you are and go for it. If he’s at all wishy washy, then that’s a red-flag, especially after what’s already happened.
We hope it works out for you.
ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!