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We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

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Dear Guys,

So, there’s this guy. We’ve known eachother since we were ten (we’re seventeen now), and have been more or less friends since we met. Our families are good friends, so we see each other a lot. I’m close friends with his siblings (older and younger) as well as him.

Anyways, three or so years ago everyone was talking about how he really liked me, and he actually did since he told people. I had had a “crush” on him before, but nothing had ever come of it since I had a boyfriend at the time. People eventually stopped talking about it. After my boyfriend and I broke up last summer though, he started always being around. He would always make a point to come over and talk to me; he emailed me constantly and was always teasing me. He also stared at me all the time, etc., and we got really close. I kinda started liking him again. Then his sister said she was pretty sure he still had feelings for me. So I spent a while thinking about how I felt—I wanted to be sure my feelings for him weren’t just a rebound—and decided that I really did like him a whole lot rather than because I had just broken up. So I kinda flirted back with him a bit, and it was fun. We weren’t quite best friends, but we were really pretty close and talked about a lot of stuff.

This went on for like eight or nine months, but this summer it just stopped. Now I might be standing right next to him at a party and he will hardly talk to me or look at me. I’ve even tried to start a conversation a couple times, but he just gave monosyllabic answers so I gave up. This went on for three months. We even had to ride in a car for three hours with two other people and he would pointedly talk to everyone except me. Nobody knew why he was being like that, and he didn’t do it to anyone else. So I tried to get over him since he was being so weird for no apparent reason. But I still like him.

Then in August he started talking to me again, but not really. Like, if we’re standing together we’ll make polite small talk, and he’ll make eye contact with me again, but he never goes out of his way to communicate with me, and when we have to communicate via email or text, he gives real short answers and doesn’t seem to really want to talk. Normally I would think that this means that he obviously is not into me, but a lot of times I’ll look up and he’ll be staring at me. And there have been a couple times when we’ll be in a group and he’ll say something funny and when I start laughing we’ll make eye contact and hold it for a really long time… stuff like that. I’ve talked to one of his older brothers and one of his younger sisters (two of my really close friends) and they both seem to think that there’s a really good chance, but neither of them know for sure. I don’t get it at all.

So I guess what I’m asking is what is ya’lls perspective on why he might have stopped talking to me all of the sudden, and why is he acting so weird?? Am I seeing what I want to see even though he really doesn’t want to even be friends, or does he still have feelings for me?

Thanks a ton!

~Rose

Dear Rose,

Thanks for your question.

Actually it seems to us that he does like you but no longer knows how to act around you. He’s lost his easy going demeanor because he is uncertain how you feel about him. So instead of telling you how he feels, he does the opposite, and ignores you. This is like the elementary school boy who throws snowballs at the girl he likes because he wants her attention and doesn’t know how to express himself. Your friend sounds inexperienced.

However, the fact that your families are close does make the situation a bit more complicated. We can see why he might not want to let his feelings be known. If you don’t reciprocate then he’s left in a very uncomfortable position.

So what should you do? Well, Rose, that’s up to you. If you feel comfortable being the initiator then go for it. But if you don’t—which we totally would understand—you’ll have to drop some serious hints to let him know that you might be open to something more than just friends. And maybe, if they are willing, you can get his brother and sister to help you?

If in fact he doesn’t like you, and our interpretation is off, then frankly, you’re better off moving on to be with someone who’s going to be more straightforward about his feelings. AND with someone who is able to express himself.

But good luck. We hope it works out for you. Please keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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7 Comments on We were real close, then he started pretending I didn’t exist

  1. Hey guys! Thanks so much for answering! We’re starting to talk a lot again, and I have a feeling that something might happen somewhere on down the road… I might drop a hint or two. Thanks again for your insight and thoughtful answer!

  2. Hey Guys,

    I met a guy abroad, by abroad i mean back in my home country, somewhere I visit all the time so it is not a one of thing, we are in the same group of friends. We did flirt while i was there but its wasn’t until I got back that started to confess strong feelings online and for 2 months called me, skyped me, texted 3 times a day all giving very strong emotions which I was taking lightly but considering at the same time. Suddenly, conversation ran dry on skype, he started to call me but not talk at all then suddenly hang up or suddenly something comes up and he goes. Then it whittled down to messaging once a week to say hi or im busy. I tried the ignoring technique and lo and behold he ran back, where are you where have you been i miss u, so after a while i gave in and started talking again only to see him disappear again. He messages randomly to say hi but never continues a conversation always Im too busy gotta go. OR he drunk dials everytime always heeeeey lets talllllkk!! Does he wanna keep me hanging? I like him and also as a friend but every time i try to get rid of him he runs back! Its becoming like a painful tease for me.
    What should I do, were good friends but is there something there and why does he keep me hooked?

  3. @Sara…..Okay, we need more info. How old are the two of you? How long have you known him? How far away do you live now? Have you ever been intimate with him? Any sort of physical interaction? (Sex, kissing, etc.) Fill us in and we’ll give you our opinion. Thanks.

  4. Hey guys,
    I am 22 he is 21, and we’ve known each other 2 months, not long I know. We have never been intimate at all. It sounds like there isnt much to this friendship, I didnt think so but he was very full on when we spoke. He made sure we spoke very night and spoke about us an his visit in in the summer and how he might wait I should wait. We spoke about everything despite me being very protective at the start i wouldnt open up or trust him but he hooked me onto him. As soon as i got hooked he went cold. i asked is it another girl are you bored what is it he says no nothing then leaves. btw we are in diff countries but it isnt a hopeless situation or so he lead me to believe. i was supposed to visit in a month but i told him he didnt seem to react too much. I offered to end the friendship to make it easier on both of us if we didnt talk he got worked up an said no dont be stupid.

  5. @Sara…..Thanks. Look, if he’s already being hot and cold and it’s only been two months, that doesn’t bode well for the future. We don’t think this situation is worth investing your time and emotional energy in. Words are great, but if they’re not backed up by action then they fall flat. His mixed messages and inconsistent behavior are red flags. We say move on and look for a guy who lives closer to you, and who want to give as much to the relationship as you do. Don’t settle. You deserve more. One note: Be careful not to ask someone if they’re bored. What you’re doing is putting yourself beneath them. It shows insecurity. Be confident Sara that you have much to offer someone. You do! There should be a balance of power in your relationships. Sure, this can fluctuate, but you should be standing as equals. Does that make sense? Does this help you figure this out? ps. One favor. Please share our site with friends. We appreciate it. Thanks.

  6. Thank you for your reply, its bold but I need that! I am gonna leave it there and look for something better.
    Thank you so much for your time and help.

  7. @Sara…..You’re welcome. Anything we say is coming from a good and supportive place. Even if it’s “bold” as you say! Keep us posted on things. And come back and ask as many questions as you’d like. And please share our site with friends. Thanks!

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