What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

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Hi Guys !!!

Almost 4 years ago I met this guy who was eight years younger than me at a club. And I did what I had never done before; I took him home. I only wanted it to be a one night stand and nothing else, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. He wanted to take me out, but I preferred hanging out at my place. The age difference really bothered me; eight years is a lot. We talked a lot and saw each other often and I started to like him more. But then he started it to call less, ignoring my calls and messages. I would say we should go out and he would agree but then some last minute thing would come up.

His nights to hang out with me were starting later and later until he only called late at night. I resisted that and there were a lot of fights. He told me that he was sorry for the late night booty calls, and I should just ignore them if I didn’t want that. But I wouldn’t. I would answer the phone every time and lots of times I wouldn’t let him come over but most times I did. I told him that I would not be his booty call and finally ended it. But then after a few months he would call again. The fights began again with me nagging and demanding more of him. He would say he didn’t want a girlfriend, so I started to see other guys and I even broke it off with this guy for four months.

But then I called him again just as a friend and learned that he lost his phone and all contacts. And not long after that he called again. It was good for a while but I wasn’t nagging and demanding. But once I started again he would be more distant and give me less and less of his time and affection. But then I liked him more and more.

This back and forth has gone on for a while. Sometimes he shows affection and sometimes he’s very cold. After he’s distant for a while, he’ll call out of the blue, and then he comes over and we have sex. Then he started to open up to me more about his family and friends, but soon after that he started giving me mixed signals again. Finally I just said forget it after years of ups and downs.

It was truly over for me and I really thought that I would never again hear from him.  But then he called the very same weekend @ 1 am and he wanted to come over to make it up to me. I didn’t answer any of his texts or phone calls but he came over anyway. He came over and we had sex. He told me that he likes me very much. But that was six weeks ago. He called once after that. I said that he could come over, but he didn’t show up. Then he replied that all is fine. But nothing again for two weeks. Then he comes over and talks about the future—kids, etc. But then nothing again.

So I guess from a guy’s perspective I would like to know what to do??? It has been four years now and and the last two were a hell for me because I’ve fallen so deep for him and I don’t know how to change things with us. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I think he does not care at all. Some days I want to tell him how I feel and end the sex for good in hopes that he’ll then change. Then I get scared that he won’t change. And then sometimes I just want to wait and see what happens. But it’s killing me.

Can you help please guys?! Tell me what to do in this situation and how to get out without losing my sanity. I hope that you’ll answer me soon..

Victoria !

Dear Victoria,

Thanks for your question and your donation. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.

We’re sorry your situation has been so painful for you. You’re in relationship limbo and that’s never fun.

First of all, you’re not going to change this guy. It’s been four years, and you’ve seen the same behavior from him since the beginning. All he’s done is given you mixed signals. Is that truly the kind of relationship you want? Do you really want someone who only calls late at night to come over for sex, and then pushes you away when you try to talk to him about the relationship, and the future? The relationship started out as a “one night stand,” and it hasn’t progressed any further in four years! We just don’t see how any of this is going to change. The two of you are too deep into your “defined” roles.

We already think you’ve decided what you should do. The trouble is: Doing it.

This man certainly has a strong hold over you. And that’s troubling. Because for some reason you’ve handed him all the power. You’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And that’s something you need to take a hard look at. Why have you let him dictate the terms of your relationship? Is this a pattern for you with men, or is it just this particular guy? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than that. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership, and you certainly deserve that.

So if you truly want to move on it’s up to you to take back some control. This means you need to stop letting him come over to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. We realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s up to you to do this. He’s going to keep calling you whenever the urge hits him—as long as he knows you’re open and available to him. So if you want to move on, it’s up to you to end it for good, and stick to your guns.

The other piece to this is a health issue: Do you know what he’s doing during the time the two of you are apart? It’s likely he’s enjoying the company of other women while the two of you are on “break.” Maybe he doesn’t owe you anything, but it’s not safe for you. You have to be careful out there in the dating world Victoria.

We wish we could say it’s not going to be hard for you, but we can’t. Break ups are painful. It’s like losing a part of yourself. But hopefully you have good friends and family to help you get through it, if that’s what you decide to do. But we can say, with time the hurt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. And eventually you’ll be open again to new possibilities and new love.

We wish you the best as you work through this. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us an additional question. You can leave your comment/question right in the “Comments” section of this post.

Good luck and take care,


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9 Comments on What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

  1. Hi guys,

    I am really helpless so I decided to post up a question hoping to get a reply asap.

    I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago, we have many issues especially his insecurity, is definitely a major one. He controls me but I really love him. All the time he say he is afraid of losing me which is why he is behaving this way. He doesn’t allow me to be on social networking for instant even if he allows, I only can add female users. He don’t allow me to talk to guys and so on. I can understand why is he this way because he is someone who only hangs out with his group of guy buddies and hardly mix with girls but I think he should learn to relax and have faith in me. I have issues too I must say, I have bad temper but only during arguments like I tend to reject his calls, refused to reply his messages, walking him out etc. I am that sort who doesn’t like to talk and want some peace when I am angry. Yes, I feel bad having him to chase me and look for me and so on but sometime he argue with me over things that is not within my control for instant, having male classmates. But I can’t choose my classmates isn’t it.
    My boyfriend told me he has insecurity issues because of my past, I hang out with bikers 3-4years ago, I had quite a few guy friends, but I swear they are just merely friends most of them are my close buddies. My boyfriend just does not have faith in me.

    So I mentioned break up, because such situation has been going on for nearly 7months. I told him we can’t do this anymore, too much tears and pain, his insecurity is not within control. At first he refused to and we didn’t break up but the next day he agree to what I say and ya.. But he seriously needs to change, at the same time he claims that I need to change too. I don’t know what is wrong, I have been stop contacting with any male species other than my dad. But one thing is, my boyfriend and I truly love each other. We teared when we broke up. He agree with me that we need to move on from this. Everything is so heart-wrenching. He claims that he want to be good friends with me, he wants me to be in his life he still love me a lot. Does it mean he is uncertain about his decision of breaking up? He even asked can he still hug me whenever he sees me. Also, actually this isn’t the first time we broke up, the previous time we had a similar situation (This time round is slightly worst) but we got back together after a nearly 3 weeks of seperation yet we didn’t manage to talk our problems out and just have the ‘forget it’ mindset. Problems are not being solved. I am his first love by the way. I am so lost and confused. How to salvage everything?

    I want us back, at the same time I want to help him to improve.
    Relationship is about helping one another to grow isn’t it?

    Thank you!

  2. @Lost……We’re sorry. Why don’t you give this some time and see how it unfolds. But understand this. Even when two people love each other it doesn’t mean they can be together. Right now the two of you don’t work well together. He’s jealous and insecure about your past and the fact that you have much more experience than him. So even though he loves you, it eats away at him when he thinks about you with others. All men are like this, but especially guys who have no experience of their own. So this is about balance, or rather imbalance. You hold the power in the relationship. Not because you’ve taken it but because he’s given it to you. Although we will say, that you’re not helping the situation with some of your behavior. (Temper, outbursts, rejecting calls, etc.) You’re just fueling his insecurities. Give it some time and see how it plays out. Have you thought about counseling? It might help. If you get back together the two of you need to get on the same page. Counseling might help. But this could come down to timing. He might just need more experience before the two of you can be together. Timing often plays a role in relationships. Hang in there.

  3. What do you mean by more experience? Meaning I should let him go and date a few more girls .. ? Anyway thank you.

  4. @Lost……All we’re saying is if the two of you had similar experience it might help. But it’s still no guarantee. It’s hard to say if he’s just insecure in general and that’s why he’s jealous, of if it’s because he’s so inexperienced he feels inferior to you. Something isn’t right. And once again Timing. It’s possible that if the two of you separated and he dated around more that he could come back with a better perspective on things, but once again, we can’t guarantee that. Life is funny. And you know, you might not even want him when he came back. You’re just going to have to let this unfold. Take care of yourself.

  5. I have a new situation now, actually on the night we broke up, my emotions went crazy and I returned back to him all the stuff related to us and wrote a note saying I will leave his life. (He was the one who mentioned breaking up). And now he is angry and disappointed and he say he is never coming back to me again, he is afraid to do so. And he even say that, actually this current break up is for him to think about us and not a total finish off. But ever since he saw what I returned to him, he says forget it even though he still love me but it doesn’t matter anymore. Does this means we have no hope anymore? .. Or should I just leave him alone for the time being? Because anger makes someone unable to think straight which explains his emotions and words.

  6. @Lost…..Leave him alone and see what happens. In the meantime you might benefit from talking to a professional. Counselor or therapist? No shame in that. Tons of people find it very helpful. Take care.

  7. He is very angry and this morning he can even say he dont love me alr. Does it really mean it? Thank you so much for the advice :’)

  8. I am so confused, after the bad quarrel he scolded me real badly, saying he dont love me and so on and even said that he is not gonna care about me anymore, I am so hurt. But the night after he called me but I refuse to pick up. Am I doing the right thing?

  9. @Lost…..There’s no right or wrong really. It’s hard for us to comment on each decision. You have to trust yourself and do what you think is right. And we still recommend you talking to someone. A professional. We think it will help. Sometimes even health insurance will pay for these sessions. Take care.

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