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Relationship advice: Dating older men (Also check out our video on the topic. See our video page)
Hi Guys !!!
Almost 4 years ago I met this guy who was eight years younger than me at a club. And I did what I had never done before; I took him home. I only wanted it to be a one night stand and nothing else, but I gave him my number and he called the next day. He wanted to take me out, but I preferred hanging out at my place. The age difference really bothered me; eight years is a lot. We talked a lot and saw each other often and I started to like him more. But then he started it to call less, ignoring my calls and messages. I would say we should go out and he would agree but then some last minute thing would come up.
His nights to hang out with me were starting later and later until he only called late at night. I resisted that and there were a lot of fights. He told me that he was sorry for the late night booty calls, and I should just ignore them if I didn’t want that. But I wouldn’t. I would answer the phone every time and lots of times I wouldn’t let him come over but most times I did. I told him that I would not be his booty call and finally ended it. But then after a few months he would call again. The fights began again with me nagging and demanding more of him. He would say he didn’t want a girlfriend, so I started to see other guys and I even broke it off with this guy for four months.
But then I called him again just as a friend and learned that he lost his phone and all contacts. And not long after that he called again. It was good for a while but I wasn’t nagging and demanding. But once I started again he would be more distant and give me less and less of his time and affection. But then I liked him more and more.
This back and forth has gone on for a while. Sometimes he shows affection and sometimes he’s very cold. After he’s distant for a while, he’ll call out of the blue, and then he comes over and we have sex. Then he started to open up to me more about his family and friends, but soon after that he started giving me mixed signals again. Finally I just said forget it after years of ups and downs.
It was truly over for me and I really thought that I would never again hear from him. But then he called the very same weekend @ 1 am and he wanted to come over to make it up to me. I didn’t answer any of his texts or phone calls but he came over anyway. He came over and we had sex. He told me that he likes me very much. But that was six weeks ago. He called once after that. I said that he could come over, but he didn’t show up. Then he replied that all is fine. But nothing again for two weeks. Then he comes over and talks about the future—kids, etc. But then nothing again.
So I guess from a guy’s perspective I would like to know what to do??? It has been four years now and and the last two were a hell for me because I’ve fallen so deep for him and I don’t know how to change things with us. Sometimes I think he likes me and sometimes I think he does not care at all. Some days I want to tell him how I feel and end the sex for good in hopes that he’ll then change. Then I get scared that he won’t change. And then sometimes I just want to wait and see what happens. But it’s killing me.
Can you help please guys?! Tell me what to do in this situation and how to get out without losing my sanity. I hope that you’ll answer me soon..
Thanks for your question and your donation. Let’s see if we can help you sort this out.
We’re sorry your situation has been so painful for you. You’re in relationship limbo and that’s never fun.
First of all, you’re not going to change this guy. It’s been four years, and you’ve seen the same behavior from him since the beginning. All he’s done is given you mixed signals. Is that truly the kind of relationship you want? Do you really want someone who only calls late at night to come over for sex, and then pushes you away when you try to talk to him about the relationship, and the future? The relationship started out as a “one night stand,” and it hasn’t progressed any further in four years! We just don’t see how any of this is going to change. The two of you are too deep into your “defined” roles.
We already think you’ve decided what you should do. The trouble is: Doing it.
This man certainly has a strong hold over you. And that’s troubling. Because for some reason you’ve handed him all the power. You’ve given him permission to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants. And that’s something you need to take a hard look at. Why have you let him dictate the terms of your relationship? Is this a pattern for you with men, or is it just this particular guy? Those are important questions to ask yourself. Don’t sell yourself short. You’re worth more than that. A healthy relationship should be an equal partnership, and you certainly deserve that.
So if you truly want to move on it’s up to you to take back some control. This means you need to stop letting him come over to have sex with you whenever he feels like it. We realize that’s easier said than done, but it’s up to you to do this. He’s going to keep calling you whenever the urge hits him—as long as he knows you’re open and available to him. So if you want to move on, it’s up to you to end it for good, and stick to your guns.
The other piece to this is a health issue: Do you know what he’s doing during the time the two of you are apart? It’s likely he’s enjoying the company of other women while the two of you are on “break.” Maybe he doesn’t owe you anything, but it’s not safe for you. You have to be careful out there in the dating world Victoria.
We wish we could say it’s not going to be hard for you, but we can’t. Break ups are painful. It’s like losing a part of yourself. But hopefully you have good friends and family to help you get through it, if that’s what you decide to do. But we can say, with time the hurt will lessen, and you’ll start to feel like yourself again. And eventually you’ll be open again to new possibilities and new love.
We wish you the best as you work through this. Feel free to leave us a comment or ask us an additional question. You can leave your comment/question right in the “Comments” section of this post.
Good luck and take care,
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