What does he really want?

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Dear Guys,

I dated a guy for a year and a half.  We are both divorced with children from our previous marriages.  We were both cheated on by our exes. We both put our children first and tried to see each other when we did not have our kids, although I sometimes did things with his kids while I was with him and he would do the same with my kids.  That is the basic background.  Now the specifics:

I met his ENTIRE family (parents, children, brothers and sister in laws, nieces and nephews) and his close friends.  He also met my ENTIRE family and close friends.  He was the first to refer to me as “his girlfriend”, as I did not want to be presumptive.  I spent Thanksgiving with him and his kids at his parents’ house when we were 11 months into our relationship.  It was his idea to buy gifts for each other’s children that same Christmas. He asked me to spend Christmas with his kids and his family, but was sad when I said that I couldn’t because I would be with my family, but he indicated that he understood.  He gave me a Christmas card with an inscription that specifically said the dreaded 4-lettered word (yes, the nice one), and in that same card, indicated that he was glad that we had met, that he hoped that the following year would be as good for us as the past year had been for us.  Indicating a future, right? (I need to mention that he signed it with just his name and NOT with Love, _____ )

A couple of weeks later, we went out to dinner with his brother and sister-in-law. We had a great night!  When we were leaving, I stood outside of the restaurant with his sister-in-law talking and he just stood there, “beaming from ear to ear.” (Those are the words that she used when she and I talked the next day.) Finally, he reached for my hand, gave her a kiss good bye and we left.  We had a glorious end of the night, if you know what I mean.  That evening, I looked him in the eyes and said that I needed to tell him something, “I love you.” His response? “Uh, ummm.  Oh.” He then pulled me real close and tight and we laid in silence for a while. I think at one point he fell asleep, or at least he pretended to do so. He then gave me a kiss and indicated that he had to change my light bulbs. (When we walked up the stairs earlier, before my “statement” he noticed that both hall lights were burned out).  After he did that, he asked if I wanted him to take out the garbage. He did so and came back in. He then said, “Well, honey, I better be heading for home.  I’ll call you later.”  Prior to this, if he said he would call me later it would mean that he would call the next day. Well, as soon as he got home, he called me and said, “Just wanted to call to let you know I got home safe (a little small talk, blah, blah)… I had a wonderful evening and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”  Nothing more was said about “my statement.” He called the next day, like he said he would and like he did every night before this. Then he didn’t call for 2 days. Our conversation was the same and I did not bring up those words again. A week went by and there was no phone call about getting together for “our weekend” when I did not have my kids. I sent him an email message, indicating that something seemed to be different between us. (We also had a tendency to send each other email messages back and forth during the day, so this was not out of the ordinary).  He emailed me back with, “We need to talk, but like you, I don’t want to discuss it in an email.”

When he called, he said that when I told him that I loved him, he started to really think about things.  He felt that he was not ready for “that” kind of relationship at this time and that he needed to focus on his kids. (One of his kids would call a few times and say, “Dad, when are you coming home?” when he was at my place. And his other child had recently got into some trouble at school).  He said that he still wanted to do things with me, but that we needed to slow things way down. I took it that he wanted a break.  He said that at this time, we should just be friends. (At this time, it was a good month after I told him that I loved him). He indicated that he would not be calling me, as he did not want to be cruel and that he could not answer the question of whether or not we had a chance in the future to come back together, which was really confusing — was he stringing me along?

Fast forward to present. There was no contact for almost 2 years. (Albeit the information from one of our mutual friends that he would ask how I was doing). Then out of the blue, he sent me a request to be friends on Facebook. We’ve since traded kidding jabs back and forth, but nothing more than that.  Everyone I know, including our mutual friend, thinks that he has something up his sleeve and that eventually something more will happen. I don’t want to get my hopes up that he wants to rekindle our relationship.

From a guy’s perspective, what was he thinking when we were in our relationship?  (Some people think that he got scared to admit that he was in love too.) What was really going on when he initiated the breakup?  What could he possibly be thinking now?  Does he want to rekindle, want to know what I am up to?  I’m so confused.  I think that if he were to ask, I would probably be inclined the go out with him again, AFTER a much needed discussion.  Also, if that were to happen, how would I bring THAT discussion up?


Confused to NO end!


Dear Kassie,

Thanks for your question.

We can absolutely see why you’re so confused. Talk about an about face.

This is a classic example of a guy loving the IDEA of love, and loving the idea of having a person in his life, but when it actually becomes a reality he jumps ship almost as fast as you can say the three dreaded words, “I love you.”

We don’t think he was being deceitful when he was pushing the relationship forward with holiday invites and love cards, but his past behavior should certainly make you pause long and hard before getting involved with him again. He got scared, plain and simple. The origin of his fear is another whole matter possibly above our pay grade. But it’s likely he started realizing that a serious commitment to you meant he couldn’t be there for his kids—the way he felt he needed to be there for them. And since he already got burned once, he probably realized he needed to be on his own in order to figure out what he truly wanted for this next chapter in his life. The final possibility could be that up until the moment you told him you loved him he was living in a relationship fantasy world. But when it became “real” he realized he wasn’t really in love with you.

Now that he’s contacted you again, you need to figure out which one of these possibilities you think it was. Because like we said before, you should think long and hard before you get involved with this guy again. Here are some reasons a guy might contact a woman after a long break. (Where he was the one who broke up with the woman.)

1. He’s horny.

2. He’s lonely and wants company. (He’s also horny)

3. He misses her. (Which is also colored by his loneliness, which of course is impacted by #1)

What we’re saying is, you won’t know what is motivating him to contact you until you’re well entrenched with him again. It could take 6 months to a year or so before “reality” sets in again. Up until then it could all be fantasy, sex, and fun for him. So once again it comes back to you. Do you want to take a chance again? Do you want to invest the time and emotional energy into a relationship that could end exactly the way it ended the first time around?

However, it is possible he is more settled in his life, and is now more ready to be involved with you. But please proceed with caution.

Hope this gives you a bit of perspective.

Good luck,


ps. Let your friends know about us.



50 Comments on What does he really want?

  1. We had been dating for almost 9 months now. We met a little over a year ago. At first I didn’t like him but he said he fell for me the moment he saw me. Some time went by we lived together (roomates we were all friends) he asked me out but I said no. A few months later I finally was able to get my own apartment and move out. He asked me out again I finally said yes. He ended up moving with me. We were always happy and never really argued. Small arguments here and there but nothing big. Later found out I was pregnant but I had a miscarriage because of the type of work I did. He had me quit that job after that occurred and he took care of me. He called me his fiancé, even though we couldn’t afford rings just yet. I ended up getting pregnant again. He began to get baby things stroller, soothes, clothes. He was very excited. He would always come home and say hi to the baby. I got a job. So it was helpful. 30 weeks in and that month all we do is fight about anything. I was always depressed and sad, always crying. He would try to take me out and I didn’t want to do anything but cry in bed. He told me he didn’t know what to do anymore. He started hanging out with his friends more and leaving me alone which of course just made me feel worse. I love him and I told him I cried because I was afraid to lose him. He said I wouldn’t lose him. Later I started telling him mean things like I hate him and I don’t need him I told him many times to leave. He would always say no he wasn’t going anywhere. The last time I told him to leave he asked if I was serious I said yes I didnt need him. That I could do this myself. He was at his friends house. I told Him to pick his stuff up and leave. So he did and left. I wanted to stop him but I couldn’t do it I just watched him grab his stuff and leave. Before this happened he told me he was having an issue that he didn’t know what it was but needed to get out of it, it was because the baby was almost here. I’m due this month. We are very young I’m 19 and he is 20. But I know he loved me. And I hurt him. But now he won’t come back. He says he is sorry things couldn’t work between us. He wants to be in our sons life. At one point inwas mad and i told him he was going to have to take me to court and he followed through. I then told him to cancel his apointment with his lawyer that we can work it out that i was sorry. The first month he left he wouldn’t talk to me. This month he is a little. He agreed to take me to a movie as long as its not a date. I really messed up. And I know if he left me this late in the pregnancy I should forget about it but he stood by me, took care of me through the most of it. He said he wants to be in the delivery room and that he is also spending the night too. I just want to know if he will ever come back. I told him I was sorry, I tried everything. All I can do is leave him alone. But I want to be a family. Am I just being stupid? Did he just use me? Do I even have a chance of getting him back? I don’t like his friends but I never told him that. All he does now is work and hang with his friends. He isn’t seeing anyone he isn’t that kind of guy, though his friends always have different girls over and it scares me because he’s always with them.

  2. @Alex…….We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time, especially during a time in your life that should be extremely exciting and happy. (Having a baby.) And congratulations are in order, by the way. Right now you need to shift your focus on having this baby. Which means being positive. (Your baby can sense your stress and sadness) If your guy wants to be involved, all the better. And that’s the key here. He seems like he wants to do the right thing. Hopefully the two of you will have some time to be together as you’re preparing to have your baby, which might remind you why you cared about each other in the first place. You don’t necessarily have to start talking about your relationship, but just be together, and enjoy the moment together. Because no matter what happens you’ll be connected forever by this baby. (Hopefully in a happy way) After the baby is here, and you’re figuring out how to be parents, at some point the two of you will need to start talking about the relationship, at the very least for practical reasons. One note: Mood swings during pregnancy are common. Read this article. This might be a way for you to apologize to him. He should understand the complexities of being pregnant. Once he understands where you’re coming from, he might be more open to talking about your relationship. Good luck. We really hope this will work out for you. Take care of yourself, and feel free to ask as many follow up questions as you like. ps. Also, check out our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a memoir.” You might enjoy it! And let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Thanks. I am very excited about my baby and so is he. We are going to the movies next week but just so I get out not a date or anything. He always touches my stomach when he sees me, which makes me happy it shows he cares. I won’t bring anything up about us being together. Is what you advise to basically let things run their course? Spend time with him and our son and enjoy it without bringing anything of the past up? When we do spend some time we can spend hours talking but someone always interrupts (that being one of his friends). Maybe that’s it, not give him pressure to get back with me. I’ll be seeing a lot of him anyway why keep asking the same question over and over. Do you think that maybe him being in the delivery room, he will feel different about things? I know I’m asking lots of questions but guys minds are just as difficult as girls lol especially the quiet ones which is what he is. He keeps to himself.

  4. @Alex…..Ask as many questions as you need to. And thanks for the donation! We appreciate it, truly. Yes, just let things happen. Hopefully the more he spends time with you, AND with your baby the more he’ll remember what brought him into your life in the first place. We know as an expectant mother you want to know that everything is set and stable. We understand that and we don’t blame you for feeling that way. But in your case, unfortunately, you’re going to have to roll with it a bit. We think deep down he wants to be with you and his baby, but he’s young, and so he’s easily spooked. Just enjoy the moment together, and when it feels right—down the road a little, but not too long—tell him how you feel and that you want him in your life. Maybe explain your mood swings during your pregnancy, or apologize about your erratic behavior. Just be honest with him. He seems like he’d be receptive to that. We’re pulling for you. We very much like to see families stay together. Good luck and keep us posted. And enjoy! ps. New mothers also can have mood swings. We’re not saying you’re going to, but it’s something to be aware of. You should get the book, “What to expect when you’re expecting.” (Not the movie, the book. Or some other new mother book) Congratulations again!

  5. When I first told him to leave. I asked him to come back so we could fix it. He said no he didn’t want to be with me anymore. That he was sorry things didn’t work out. But he was going to be their for our son because he wasn’t a mistake. Even besides that is it possible for him to change his mind about me? Realize that he does want to be with me? We were engaged before this all happened.

  6. @Alex…….Anything is possible, especially considering the circumstances. Sometimes couples have a baby hoping it will save the relationship. (It usually only makes things worse.) But in your case, we think your baby has everything to do with your split. (Your mood swings. His uncertainty) See, guys shift into provider mode when they’re going to have a baby. They want to make sure everything is set—home, strollers, baby toys, etc. But inside they are absolutely freaking out. They ask themselves questions like: Will I be able to provide for my kid? How will I feel about this kid? Will the kid love me? Will I ever be able to hang out with my friends again? Is this going to be like it was for me growing up? Am I going to turn into my dad? Am I stuck forever? The questions go on and on. You’ve been bonding with the kid for the last 9 months since the kid is in your tummy, but your guy is just sitting around wondering what’s going to happen. And for a 20 year old guy—who is barely an adult himself; guys take longer to mature—this is a huge deal. Remember too, that his friends are pulling him in the opposite direction as well. They’re reminding him of how “good” the single life is. (Even though, we all know the single life isn’t as good as people make it out to be.) He’s got a lot on his plate that he’s mulling over. And when he says he doesn’t want you, it’s likely he’s saying he can’t handle the entire package, especially if you’re freaking out as well. So once again, you’re going to just have to wait and see how this plays out. Like we said before, hopefully he’ll wake up and see the light, and not let his friends sway him too much. Be cool Alex.

  7. I really hope he does still have feelings for me. I miss having him around. I don’t have any friends, well I do but all they do is hit on me constantly. Even if they are there for me it gets tiredsom, especially now since Im pregnant. The one girl friend I actually had stabed me in the back. She was jealous. I didn’t want to see it. It sucked but things happen to realize who your friends really are. I’m staying with my parents, since they don’t want me to be alone especially since I’m almost due. It’s like I’m alone anyways they are never home. I really do regret how bad I was. That I kept pushing him away. Now I lost him, he actually cared and was there. I had someone for the first time care about me. It was nice. I foun out today I have/been having some depression . Since I didn’t tell me doctor before he thinks it could have been worse before (me crying, feeling ugly, like he didn’t want me, then angry too). My birthday is coming up, I never really celebrated it. I was actually excited for this one. To see what he had planned.

  8. @Alex…….We hope so too. Happy Birthday. Try to treat yourself to something nice. Hopefully others will do the same. We’re glad you’re speaking with your doctor about your condition—physical and emotional. It’s important to let people know when “stuff” is going on. Take care and hang in there. And try to keep your focus on having your child. Things will look up for you as long as you stay positive.

  9. One last question… 🙂 I over think things and I can’t help but over play what happened. The night before he left. I was extremely emotional and I asked him if he was coming home he said he was in a second (he was with his friends) I flipped out and told him to leave me if that’s what he wanted, he came home right away I was a crying mess. He held me told me he wasn’t leaving. He actually started crying too. He told me I was beautiful and that what I have (our baby) is the most beautiful I have ever been. I was crying cause I felt like I was losing him and that I wasn’t pretty enough. He held me until I stopped crying. This happened the night before he left. I don’t understand why he left me after he said he wasn’t going too. I understand that he might be scared. That I told him to leave, told him I didn’t need him. So he left, told me he couldn’t do it anymore. I think he even said to me once he didn’t think he would get back with me too. I’m almost done with my baby’s room (only need the crib). I’m all set for the hospital. I’m excited for my son to be born and scared too. But since he won’t talk to me I don’t know what’s going on with him. I want to text/call him make him talk to me but I know he won’t. Should I just leave him alone these last three weeks before labor? just call him when it’s time to go to the hospital? I wish I knew what he thought, like what’s going on in his head. I wish I knew if I had a chance of working things out or not. I wish you knew the answeres lol 🙂

  10. @Alex…..We know this is really hard. We’re sorry that things aren’t more certain for you. But hang in there. Question: Are you talking about all of these thoughts, feelings, emotions with other people? It might really help if you were. Friends, family is a good start. But what about a counselor? Or therapist? Just to help you work out some of these issues face-to-face with someone. There’s no stigma attached to talking with someone. We’d say the majority of people in this country talk to a counselor or therapist at one point in their lives.. We also think if you could get him to see someone WITH you it would be helpful. (But that should be separate from what you do for yourself.) On a more upbeat note: It sounds like you’re almost ready for your baby. Congrats again! Where are you staying? Did you say with your parents?

  11. I’m looking in to a Counselor. Thats a good idea. Yes I’m staying with my parents for now. They don’t want me to be alone with my new born or now that I’m almost due.

  12. @Alex…….This sounds good all around. Lean on the people that love you. They want you to be happy. And keep us posted about everything.

  13. I think he has a gf now. Every time he needed something I was there. He wasn’t (since he left). I’m very tempted to tell him just to take me to court if he wants anything to do with his son. I guess that decision has part to do with the fact he has a new gf and another that I don’t feel he is being responsible. I just don’t know if that is the right thing to do.

  14. @Alex…….If this is true we know this must be really hard, but we urge you not to do anything rash right now. Have your baby and then figure this out. And if things don’t work out with your baby’s father and you, remember that your baby needs a mom AND a dad in order to thrive in this world. Sure, many single mothers and fathers raise healthy and happy kids, but it’s still best for the child if both parents are involved. If this guy turns into a deadbeat dad that’s a different story entirely, but if if he’s a loving and good father, even if the two of you are at odds, you need to make the best decision for your child. (This will be easier to understand after you have the baby.) Hang in there.

  15. I know. I think he has a girlfriend and he is also talking to another girl that is going to come down to see him. Can this just be a phase of him freaking out? But he told that girl he loves her. He was speaking to me now he has stopped. Could he still be confused? Or ha he made up his mind. That he doesn’t want me anymore.

  16. @Alex……Honestly, we still see this as a long road. Let’s say he’s made up his mind right now. Okay, fine. But we’re telling you, that could change. (Or not) Just go with the flow for now. Stop focusing on him. At this point and time it’s not worth your mental and emotional energy. You have more important things to focus on. We know it’s hard. Hang in there.

  17. Right now it’s a waiting game for my baby 🙂 I have everything ready. I wish I had more baby things to do to distract me. But everything is ready! I even designed my tattoo and working on my second design. Just finding that out about him worries me that a. He won’t make time for his son or wants her to meet him, I won’t handle that well. B. I really lost him. My biggest consern is my son. Though, I do worry some about him being with me but that’s not the most important thing now. I just hope he is in the baby’s life like he said he wants to be.

  18. @Alex……We’re very excited for you! Keep us posted.

  19. I’m 37 weeks now 🙂 I’m so excited! As for the baby’s father, he is still with the new girlfriend. Turns out he has been saying all the things he used to say to me. How he wants to spend the rest of his life with her, come home to her…ect. Knowing that makes glad I didn’t marry him when I almost did. Why would he do that? Never mind that the girl already has a child. He told her he wants her to have his baby… That’s what he told me. I can’t believe I thought he was a good guy. Maybe I believed more of his lies because we were getting married. Why would he do this? Oh to top things off seems like she is trying to make things worse between him and I in terms of him being there for his son.

  20. I just can’t believe she would do that considering that she has a baby herself. It’s pathetic. I already told him I had no interest in being with him and she knows that. All I would like is for him to keep his word and be there for his son. But she is getting in the way of that.

  21. @Alex…..Well, that should tell you about the kind of woman he wants. And you’re right, she should understand, but she’s too immature to see the big picture. She doesn’t realize that when he wakes up and realizes he blew off his own child for her, he’ll be very resentful. In essence she’s shooting herself in the foot, not to mention, that she’s not capable of empathy. But remember this. She’s not getting in the way. He’s ALLOWING her to do so. And that might be even more telling of the kind of guy he is.

  22. @Alex…..Thanks for letting us know. Keep focused on your baby. And try to be patient with this situation even though it’s very hard. Just see how things progress. It’s possible he might bring up getting back together, but it’s hard to say. It’s still too soon to know. Take care Alex.

  23. Hi guys, so after 3 weeks of my ex and I getting in a huge fight because of his girlfriend saying things to to make me jealous we finally meet up. We both went to my babies doctors appointment then to lunch before he dropped me off at home. During the doctors appointment I told him I hate him. But I couldn’t be mean to him. We went to lunch and on te drive there he played some song we used to listen to when we where first dating I didn’t even remember the song. Then once we got to the restaurant he said he knew what I wanted to eat. And he said it right. With drink and food. He the told me about how work was going and that him and his dad where fighting and told me why. Told me about all the things he has for the baby so far. Once he finally dropped me off at my place he kissed the baby bye and gave me a hug. I thought it would be a short thank you hug but I tried to let go an he held on tight so I couldn’t resist and I hugged him tight. It felt so good. But after I couldn’t look him in the eyes I looked down the whole time. He was suppose to come pick me up today but he ended up saying not today last minute. I don’t understand. I thought he didn’t care but I don’t know. Im pretty sure he is hanging out with his girlfriend or whatever she is to him. I thought he wanted nothing todo with me anymore but all the things he did. And then ow he doesn’t want to see me. I’m confused. Why do guys do that?

  24. @Alex……..We’re not sure the question. Is it: Why do guys give mixed-signals? Well, he wants to be a part of his baby’s life, but he doesn’t know how to do it. He’s basically overwhelmed by everything going on in his life. His dad. His girlfriend. You. His baby. Responsibility. Fatherhood. He can’t handle it all, so he’s all over the place. One minute he’s caring, the next he’s cold. One minute he’s sweet the next he’s distant. One day he’s there for his baby and the next he’s not. What you’re not going to get with him is consistency. It sounds like he has good intentions—at least with the baby—but that doesn’t mean the follow-through is going to be there. So we see you being frustrated and confused with this guy. And FYI: Not all guys are like this. What do you think? ps. Thanks for the donation. We appreciate it. How’s motherhood?

  25. He said he broke up with his gf over two weeks ago. I know he means well. He said he canceled today because he doesn’t feel well so he had been sleeping all day. I know all guys aren’t like this. I am frustrated and confused. i don’t know what to think anymore. Motherhood is going great. Wish I waited before it all happened though. It’s hard doing it on my own physically. I go back to work next week not looking forward to it. I’d like to stay at home with my son. 🙂 he’s getting big fast! He is a good boy but very spoiled… That last part is my fault 🙂 I’m happy overall.

  26. @Alex……Spoil him all you want. The bigger the better! 🙂 At least when he’s a baby. You know fatherhood often does something to a guy. It can change him, often for the better. Let’s hope that’s what’s happening with your baby’s father. Keep us posted and hang in there. Yes, having a baby is a lot of work. You’re doing great. What kind of day care do you have while you’re at work?

  27. Stephanie // October 30, 2012 at 2:13 am //

    Hey again Guys,
    It seems as if you’ve really become a shoulder to lean on! Hehe.. As you know from previous posts, my man’s 30, has an ex wife and 2 yr old boy, we’ve been in a serious relationship for 1.5 yrs.

    So, what is on my mind this time is sex.. I mentioned before I lost my virginity to my man 7 months ago and although I had planned on saving myself for marriage it really has brought us closer and I love the new found intimacy. What confuses me is his attitude which has changed since we started having sex. As you can imagine, before we did, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We would engage in foreplay and all the ‘innocent stuff’ you do with your boyfriend to keep him happy without giving yourself away. The moment we had sex, which was a really special night on our one yr anniversary, things changed after the second/third month. Now, my man is older, he has his priorities and is a very hard worker. He works two jobs and also sees his son once to twice a week as well as makes time for us. I understand he has a lot on his plate and I hate to sound like a tramp but the sex isn’t anywhere near as good as when we started.. (I’ve heard after years of marriage things can go a little sour and you both have to work harder to spice things up, but not 7 months into your sex life?!) Also, I live at home and he lives literally down my street so on the weekends I sleep over and we have our own time watching movies etc (my parents don’t know I sneak sleep overs). The problem is he is constantly tired, like exhausted, and I feel he’s become a little bit lazy in the bedroom. I know I must sound like a bitch, but I do a lot for him too, I cook for him, give him everything he wants, I cater him and its my pleasure as his woman – but forgive me Guys for this, I just want him to keep up the ante in bed. I’ve recently started having sex, I don’t have his experience, I’ve just discovered this amazing world and he cuts me short! We do it, but there isn’t much effort from his part and if I imply I’d like round two, he gets a little tooshy because instead of being turned on that his girl can’t get enough of him, he takes it as he hasn’t satisfied me – which couldn’t be further from the truth. And after we’re done, he is completely conked out. This was never the case.. Am I no longer attractive to him? Am I not doing it right? If I’ve ever asked him this he says no and can’t believe I’d think all that but I can’t seem to believe that exhaustion is the reason! I’m not a boring girlfriend, I take pride in my appearance, I make a good effort to turn him on and do everything he likes in bed … so he can’t be THAT tired to turn me down. If he hadn’t pushed so much for us to be intimate, I wouldn’t complain about his performance, but for the first year straight he was dying to get with me. Now that he has, its like ‘too much of a hard job’ for him to keep up. I feel like he wanted this more than I did, so why is he backing down now that I want the same thing? My girlfriends say that when you first become sexually active, you’re crazy for intimacy for a while because you just started – then your body calms down a bit. He should know this, so why is he being selfish? Has my behaviour given him a power trip or something? Guys, this is an issue that I should sort with him, but I’ve tried and he always asks me to understand that he’s so tired bla bla – but I’m not tired and I want more! What I need, is not to have a deep conversation with him about our sex life. I need some down and dirty advice on men that will work and wake my man up.. Coz this is some B.S. I don’t want us marrying and him getting worse as the mundane marriage lifestyle sets in and I’m not about to go ‘experiment’ with other men so I can find happiness – I’m a good Catholic Latin girl raised right haha
    Thanks Guys and excuse me and my forwardness.. Take care

  28. @Stephanie….You never need to worry about being too forward here. That’s why we’re here. So you want to talk sex. Hmm….how do we start? (And we may have this as a topic on our new Sex w/The Guys page that’s coming soon.) Anyway here are some facts about guys and sex. 1. Some guys can go a few rounds an evening—usually younger guys—but most are pretty content with one. 2. After a guy “finishes” he usually wants to sleep or eat or watch TV. Often he’s exhausted. 3. Once a guy gets with a woman sex always changes. But not always for the worst. Often it gets better. Depends on the guy and his commitment to the relationship. 4. If a guy is tired he’s not going to be as into it. (If he’s in a serious relationship.) If he’s single, it doesn’t matter. He could barely be able to walk, but if there was a chance of getting sex, he’d rally. 5. A guy has a peak time of day when he wants sex. A few hours after waking up is pretty typical, but every guy is slightly different. 6. All guys think they are amazing in bed, until they are told by the one woman that they’re not cutting it. Some guys will do everything they can to get better, others will keep doing what they do for the rest of their life. So with that information in mind, let’s figure this out. The key for a guy is to do whatever he can to satisfy his woman BEFORE he “finishes” himself. Is that happening? Or is he being robotic about it? Have you told him what you want? Is it about specifics or do you just want to do it longer? What is it? We can’t provide suggestions without knowing specifics. (Sorry if WE’RE BEING TOO FORWARD) There are two possible issues: He doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong. or He doesn’t care. Fill us in.

  29. Stephanie // October 30, 2012 at 8:42 am //

    Thanks Guys,
    Haha if y’all comfortable, so am I.
    Well in the beginning, we had a few difficulties. Because I was still getting used to things, we usually stuck to missionary and although I loved it while it lasted, there weren’t any final fireworks for me if you get my drift. We actually argued because apparently my expression left things quite obvious that I’d like more. So slowly, we experimented different things and cowgirl has definitely been the key to enough of my satisfaction before he finished the job. So no, I can’t fault him on taking care of me first. About #4, when in a serious relationship he won’t be into it if he’s tried, that annoys me. God forbid I deprive him of that due to exhaustion.. To put it nicely, he doesn’t require me to be completely conscious or willing (relax, my man doesn’t rape me haha) to get his fix. He’ll turn on the moves and nuzzle his way in there regardless of my mood, which is fine by me but I want the same consideration. #5, morning sex is a regular occurrence, all great in that department. I’ve told him what I want, I’m not whiny, I say it like a damn vixen but it doesn’t work.. it’s like he’s convinced he’s God’s gift in bed and frankly, thats not the case anymore (not that I have any comparisons). He’s got the specifics, he knows exactly what makes me melt, he is just not bothered. I know him very well and to him, it’s just not a big deal to make a meal of it anymore. The specifics are there, he just won’t use them very much anymore, and of course the duration. By cutting down on the little things that matter so much, everything is over pretty quick because he wants to get to sleep, while I’m still awake as an owl ready for more, or even up for a chat or a movie. And may I add, each and every time we are intimate, I put my all into it and try and make it something to remember.. Isn’t this alone enough to encourage him?

  30. @Stephanie…..Okay, this is better and worse than we imagined. Better in the sense that he’s capable of satisfying you. Worse in the sense that he’s too lazy, or arrogant to do it. This is an issue that will only get worse as time goes by unless you nip it now. We don’t think every session needs to be mind-blowing, but enough do to balance it out. A few suggestions: Instead of focusing on every session as all or nothing, why don’t you mix up the days with some for him, some for you, and some for both. He might be surprised at how the balance actually makes him more into it. If there’s a day when the focus is on you, that might make him more ready the next time when the focus is on him. Not to get too specific, but if it’s a quickie he wants give it to him. Morning might be good for that. But he must understand that he needs to man up when it’s your turn. And then of course, there should be some sessions where it’s amazing for both of you. Relationships are give and take and need for people to compromise in order to make them work. We think if you frame this differently it might help you explain it to him in a way that he doesn’t feel threatened or angry. You two just need a better schedule and a new framework to function in. Not to make it too business like, but this is about figuring out when is the best time for each of you. If you go this route and try to work this through and he’s still non-responsive and unwilling to bend, then you’ve got a real issue on your hands. But it’s too soon for that. Get the conversation started and see if you can come up with a better plan together. No use pointing fingers yet. What do you think? Plausible? ps. It sounds like you’ve already figured out more than you’re giving credit for. Some couples have difficulty satisfying one another. It seems you’re past that point. So that’s positive.

  31. Stephanie // October 30, 2012 at 7:28 pm //

    I never thought of it like that, you’re right a balance should be key. I think we both stopped compromising because other aspects in the relationship got comfortable.. so the sex went along with it. I’m going to open it up to him this whole one for you one for me idea and it should work 🙂 Yes I’ve got to say we are pretty in sync with each other which makes it so so good, when its good. Thanks Guys take care I’ll keep you posted.

  32. I met a guy on a dating website almost 7 months ago…we get along great, the sex is amazing (i mean amazing!) and we have a ton of stuff in common.

    We do a lot together (both sports fans) so hockey games, football games, cooking each other dinners, snowmobiling, movies, glasses of wine on the deck, etc. We’re both confident, crazy people and we have a LOT of fun being goofy together (he asked me to put on lingerie…I obliged on the condition he wore one of my skirts for as long as I had it on…he did and we sat for the rest of night on the deck that way, lol)

    He has a daughter and I have a son…we have both met and been involved with each others children. I’ve met his friends and we’ve even gone and done stuff with them. Due to his job he isn’t available a lot so we juggle to make that work as best we can.

    Here’s the problem, he’s told me in the past he’s ready for a relationship then it seems he gets cold feet and retracts his words, almost like the word girlfriend is scary. A few weeks later he’ll do the same thing…tell me he’s ready then out of the blue hes not…however we still talk, we still sleep together, we still do all the things we’ve done, nothing changes. I’ve walked away from another great guy TWICE to have a relationship with this guy only to find out that its never what he says it is. He says he has an ex he needs to deal with…flys to where she is comes back and says ready again…ready again then bang ANOTHER ex girlfriend he’s talking to…messing him up…not ready. WTH?

    He says hes looking for a best friend, not a girlfriend, hes not ready to date, I point out that girlfriend is a title only and that we are always friends first, but that I don’t understand why this needs to be labelled and things should just be left as is, we’re both content with our arrangement. However, having said that, i would like to solidify what this is.

    I’ve told him that if hes not ready to date the physical part of our relationship should end and hes says hes fine with that but then he’ll ask me over and while I’m there he’ll ask me to stay the night with him, he even produced a new toothbrush for me last time I stayed there (a week ago)…or like last night…lets have a drink and he’ll stay with me. We do very intimate things, not things you do with a one night stands…full body massages where we’ll fall asleep beside each other after the one getting massaged falls asleep, entwined on the couch just chatting, i took a lap dance/stripping class so we have “date” nights for “practicing”, lol. He knows I have feelings for him and that to continue sleeping with him is a bad idea in my mind…but he continues to let that happen knowing how I feel, knowing that i won’t be the one to say no and knowing what the end result will be (generally us disagreeing on what to call the situation).

    Another interesting change is that up until just a few weeks ago he wouldn’t orgasm during sex claiming that as long as I did he was fine, WHAT? And we would find another way to finish what was started, and we always did. When I questioned him on this he didn’t have an answer as to why he wouldn’t, not couldn’t, wouldn’t. Now though for some reason he is more than willing to orgasm…not just orgasm…but inside me. This is a BIG change in our dynamics and didn’t go without notice obviously…I don’t understand what could have changed in his head that this would now be acceptable when it wasn’t for such a long time….I think its a bigger deal then what I originally thought it to be…it means something to him to be doing it. But I almost feel like he marks his territory.

    I should note that the other guy that I walked away from hasn’t been in the picture for a very long time so he should feel no need to compete or feel that I am on the verge of walking away for someone else. I have told him many times that I’m not looking. I also don’t believe he is seeing anyone else – with his work schedule and how much time we spend together I don’t thing that would even be possible without being noticed.

    A guy lends a unique perspective on guys, which obviously i don’t have….what the hell is going on…..I don’t feel like I’m getting played..I think he’s had some bad experiences and is gun shy…maybe time to shit or get off the pot?

  33. @Trixie…..Did you get our email? We responded in the post: “Friends with Benefits; Is there a chance he could fall for me?” Check it out on our Ask the Guys page.

  34. So I’ve been seeing this new guy for a little over a month now, we met on NYE. He’s contacted me almost every single day since we’ve met and we’ve been on about six dates. He’s very chivalrous and always compliments me when he sees me. We have hooked up, but that hasn’t changed the amount of communication between us and if anything, we’ve started getting together more frequently. I guess my question is how to tell if he is wanting a relationship or if he just wants to keep things super casual? I haven’t met his friends yet, except the first night we met on NYE. We only see each other once a week, past two weeks, it’s been twice a week. He’s brought up his ex a couple times, even though he insists that he’s over her and has no baggage. I feel it’s too soon to have “the talk,” but I feel myself getting emotionally invested and acting somewhat distant because i’m afraid of getting hurt. He told me in the beginning that he’s cautious and doesn’t want to hurt anyone. He also said in the beginning that, “You know at this point that my intention isn’t just for play, but I def don’t want to rush it.” What do y’all think? Am I setting myself up for disappointment? How do I find out his intentions without putting him on the spot?

  35. @Mardi…..It may still be too soon. Why don’t you give it another month or so and then check back with us. Our only concern is the ex. Where does he stand with her? Is he still seeing her without telling you, etc.?

  36. Hey guys,

    So my boyfriend and I have been together for two years now, very quickly we hit it off. And we bonded like crazy. At first it was amazing but the second year it’s been hell… For both of us. We’ve been fighting, and I feel like the complete jerk. Here recently it’s like I realize how much of a brat I was to him. He was awesome to me. But all I did was nag. Wen I got mad at him for no reason, he would still never give up on me. He helped me thru a major life threatening sickness, paid for things when I had no job and took me everywhere when I had no car. At times after a fight, we never fix things, or talk about our feelings… And every argument gets worse and worse. But of course it has. I’ve been awful. I would have given up on me a long time ago but he didn’t. Lately he had been acting distant so I decided to talkto him about it. He ended up saying that his love was drifting because of all the issues n our relationship. He said he felt it was too far gone. That we had too many issues and he didn’t even want to try to attempt to fix them anymore. And then I started to cry…. And then he did to! He said he loved me and didn’t want to hurt me. He said he still loved me but felt like there were so many problems for so long that things would never get better. So he was giving up. For once… I broke down. I felt terrible, for all I had done and how much of a brat I had been. The next day we talked about it again. He said he wanted to get back together… And then he didn’t it kept going back and forth. I told him if he loved me and wanted to work thru things I’d be willing to do the same, but I didn’t want him to just be my boyfriend because he felt guilty. After hours, he made the final decision he wanted to be together. But I’m terrified. I’m Afraid he really doesn’t like me. Do you think he’s just being with me because he’d rather not hurt me. Or do you think he’s being honest. Do you think he really wants to work things out…? I’m so confused. I feel awful for the way I’ve been. I want to fix things with him SO BAD… Do you guys think the damage has been done or that there’s no returning from this one? Or do you think he really does want to be with me… Ugh I feel so overwhelmed, please help me figure out what I should do.

  37. @Milly….You should take him at his word and move forward. And then show him that you’ve changed and realized that you weren’t a very loving and supportive girlfriend. Tell him, and then show him!. Of course there are no guarantees it will all work out, but we see no other choice for you. It’s clear that you love him. The one thing you have going for you is that the heart is an amazing organ, capable of forgiveness. Good luck.

  38. Lisa John // May 23, 2013 at 10:48 am //

    Hi guys 🙂 My boyfriend and I did 3 months yesterday and he said to me that he really wants to have sex with me. And I truly understand that because we did some things and I know that he really wants to take the next step. But he never pressured me! he said that he is going to wait for me. Both of us are 17. He already said to me that he loves and I believe him. I’m so happy with him! The only problem is that he already gave me pleasure but I didn’t give him. We talked about it and he said for me not to worry because he doesn’t go anywhere but I feel like if I don’t take the step of giving him pleasure he will get tired of waiting, which I understand perfectly. I want to give him pleasure but I am a really shy person and I’m afraid of not knowing how to :s please, help? Thank you

  39. @Lisa…….What do you want to do? Do you feel comfortable with this? What is he asking for specifically? Intercourse? Oral? And what do you mean he’s pleasured you? Remember, you shouldn’t do anything you’re not comfortable with regardless of what he does for you.

  40. Lisa John // May 24, 2013 at 2:41 pm //

    Well he didn’t do anything extraordinary… He fingered me, just that… Yes, I think I’m ready for the first step but I’m afraid, I don’t know why… He never asked me to do anything! He is always saying that I need to think of me first and that he will wait for me and that when I’m ready he will be here and take this step with me.
    He’s awesome with me but I don’t know, but just afraid…

  41. @Lisa….Trust your gut. And don’t get pressured into doing something you don’t want to do. You’ll know. Take care.

  42. hello guys 🙂 Thank you for this amazing site!
    I’m dating John for 6 months now and I really love him and I’m sure he loves me too… the other day we tried to have sex but he couldn’t get an erection… well he did get one but when we tried to put a condom, we stresssed a little and he couldn’t get an erection anymore… we tried again… i gave him a handjob but when we could take the next step he couldn’t find the place to insert his pennis… he’s feeling really bad cause he says that this is the biggest shame a guy can have… i said to him to not worry but i don’t know… what can i do? is it normal? (i’m sorry for my bad english, i speak french haha)

  43. @Angie…….Normal, not normal, who knows. It happens, and it’s not a big deal as long as it doesn’t happen all of the time. Is this a one time thing? Has he had a problem before?

  44. he never had that problem before… but he never had sex too… do you think that this can happen the next time?

  45. @Angie…..You’ll just have to see. This is not an insurmountable issue. So be patient and take it a day at a time.

  46. my boyfriend and I have been together for 14 year he has cheated on me time and time again. but things are different. this time. I always new my boyfriend still loved me and he would never leave me or the life we have together for one of those. girl butfor the last 2 years there has he has been seeing. this girl he used to be with 24 years ago. him and I still live are live together as a couple just like we have done. for 14 years. now. but he will not tell her its over and I don’t know why. he tells her he loves her and hey want to have a life with her. and it kills me every time she come to around ( she live in another. state) cuz he leaves. me to be with her then he comes back to be with me. my boyfriend won’t tell her to go away?, won’t tell her no he gives he all his money he even has a bank account. with her and in the last 2 years we are living. in a motel we lost are home cuz he was always broke cuz. of her but we are still together. I still with all my heart and soul. love this man and he is still the only man for me so can you please help me I can’t figure. out what my boyfriend. wants is it me or her and if its me how do I get him to tell her that. thank you, Christy k.

    my email. is. cfonly24@ ymail.com

  47. Hi all
    I have been in this relationship for the past 5 years steady.before that a year then got complicated with another woman and I got pregnant so it ended and we seperated for three years before his relationship with that other woman ended andhe came looking for us.we decided to give it a try again and here we are 5 yrs later with a second child now a year and some months. We dont live together and he has always complained that I put my family first before him but I am scared to be readily available to him.he hardly ever compliments me or hugs .hell only a quick kiss on the lips.we have never been on a date.we talk but if we have our differences he just goes silent.before he always would say ro me dont go to bed angry now its just whatever.
    Im sooo confused he is emotionally distant when I spend the weekend he does all tht he has to do mke sure the kids n I eat wash clean be good and morning after he’d msg and say he’s missing me after he leaves for work but that’s it.he picked a ring some time aback about 2 yrs but im yet to get a proposal now he wants us to move in together im scared dont waste anymre time or give him exclusive acess to me I want to but we argue lately I feel like he isn’t fauthful or honest.futhurmore he doesn’t ans his phone when im there and turns it face side down.to me that’s fishy.right now I am unemployed and he wants me to get a job with the same company he works for
    He is a great dad to his kids but me the sex is great but emotiinally wrk to be done has tgis I dont care attitude told me as much during an argiment.he would not care if someone told him
    they slept with me
    Im I overthinking this and ignore the subtle feelings or im I right to

  48. @Mint…..We’re not completely following your comment, but it sounds as if you’re wondering whether or not you should move in with him. Is that right? Honestly, if he’s already emotionally distant, that’s unlikely going to change, unless he thinks it’s an issue, and then works on changing it. Why does he want you to move in with him? Have you talked to him about your feelings and concerns?

  49. Well my ex of 6 months ended things because he says he doesn’t know how to handle his feelings, he also wants to focus on himself and get his life together. Things were fine before the break up. We would stay up late on the phone, text throughout the day, he would come to my house and play video games and cuddle. But after a while I noticed he started getting distant and wouldn’t talk to me for days and when we did talk it was very dry and nonchalant. He lost his old job and had been trying to find a new one and I tried to help as much as I could but I started feeling like my efforts were being unappreciated and I started feeling neglected emotionally. I tried talking to him but he would ignore me or brush it off. After the break up I found myself in a very empty state, like I wasn’t sad but I wasn’t happy either. One night he liked an old video of us on my instagram and when I asked he did he said he didn’t know and we hadn’t talked since then until last night. His best friend (which is his ex but has a new bf of a year) posted a picture of them together and I got very upset and sent it to him asking why were together (he had told me before they weren’t close anymore) he responded with they just hung out for the day but continued to tell me to calm and stop being jealous over it. He then proceeded to tell me he wanted to be able to talk to me as friends and he would always be here for me but I know that’s not what I want so I declined. He kept telling me I deserve the world but he’s not the one who’s gonna give it to me. It hurt but I knew deep down he was right. I miss being with him because when things were good they were perfect but now I have this emptiness inside me and I don’t know what he wants. I asked if he really wanted to just be friends and he told me it’s not about what I want it’s about what’s for the best. Now I’m stuck and I don’t know what to do anymore. I know I should give up but a part of me won’t let go

  50. @Tasha…..We’re sorry you’re going through a tough time. Breakups are very difficult because besides missing the person, you also lose a part of yourself. It’s easy for us to say, but usually things get better with time. That said, he seems pretty certain about his feelings, and that he’s not the right guy for you. To us, it doesn’t sound like being his friend is going to help you move on. In fact, it will probably just keep you in an emotional holding pattern, hoping he’ll change his mind. We don’t think that’s going to happen. We are sorry. Hang in there. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

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