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What does he want?

Dear Guys,

So I’m 18 and so is this guy. I work with him and he asked for my number. We’ve been texting/talking for about 5 days now. He always asks sexual joking questions and always texts me 1st. I was thinking he was a player but he’ll also talk to me about personal stuff.  And when I did tell him to go talk to an airhead (blank) girl instead, he was like nahhh. So I don’t get him. What does he want? Please and thank you!

Blake

Dear Blake,

Thanks for writing.

What does he want? He wants you. It’s pretty clear.

We realize this young man is 18, but that still doesn’t excuse his behavior. Since when can’t a guy pick up the phone and actually call- NOT text-and be direct??!!

“Hey Blake. Would you like to go out to dinner?”

or

“Hey Blake. I’d like to take you out.”

Guys have fallen into this bad habit of going for a sure thing. They nibble and they prod, hoping to get the answer they need before they take the plunge. Guys of all ages do this.  But there is no such thing as a sure thing. Life is risky, and this guy needs to step up to the plate and take a real swing.

So to answer your question, yes he likes you, but if he continues this game playing, because it surely is just that, do you really want to deal?

Good luck. And keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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28 Comments on What does he want?

  1. My instincts tells my ..his a little player, definitely not sure of what he wants, and perhaps testing the waters…… glad you did ask for other people’s opinion… He probably does like U but maybe needs a bit of coaching to woo a lady .Personally, I would love to tell him to go hang up his phone…….. I mean tell him to get lost ..This should hopefully give you the time and space to engage in much more productive activities 🙂

  2. What does he want? Time will tell, unless you ask him first.

  3. My advice is be direct. I am so not into sms’ing and advise my clients not to be either.

    Next time he texts – don’t answer.

    When you see him and this flirtatious behaviour continues… say to him something like – “if you want to ask me out, just ask me.” Of course depending on how much you like him, you might even say “Would you like to go out with me this Friday?” Most likely he’ll say “yes” so be prepared for the date.

    Suggest something that costs next to nothing – maybe a walk at the beach at sunset or a local market wondering around.

    Also be prepared if he doesn’t say ‘yes’. Be cool and not bothered (at least in front of him – and not surprised.)

    As my dad would say ‘keep it casual!’

    Wishing you success in love!

  4. Considering your age(s) which definitely can be factored in the matter of experience, I think he’s playing, testing the waters so to speak. He’s not mature enough to express himself in person. And he probably wants to avoid getting hurt or embarrassed. So he’s trying to play it safe.

    I don’t really see anything wrong with that. You should have fun. You guys are young. Why try to get into anything serious at your age when you’ve got a long, long way ahead of you and plenty of time for that later? Just have fun and keep safe.

  5. I think that it is very common that people in this age group are very dependent on texting and they don’t seem to understand how impersonal it is. That said, even if he truly doesn’t understand it’s not the best way to communicate, that doesn’t mean that the recipient of the texts has to put up with being contacted in such an impersonal way. I think that Cathy has it right, keep it casual and don’t text back.

  6. You know what’s sad? I’ve had guys in their late 20’s, early 30’s play these games too! MEN! Like the Guys said, this guy is just testing the waters and checking to see how you feel. He doesn’t want to stick his neck out and get hurt. It’s an era of spineless men right now and I feel for any of you single ladies out there!

  7. Enter your comments here…

  8. Feeding dogs and commenting via iPhone is not the best plan. 🙂

    I think she is too mature for him. I think he is interested, but not for anything serious, maybe just a fling.

  9. Life is a risk and we have to be willing to take the risk. Sometimes it yields rejection and other times it yields a lifetime of rewards. Sometimes you will get back just a sense of confidence you didn’t have before you took the risk. I hope this young guy will be able to be direct with you and take a chance at going for a sure thing.

  10. They’re both 18 right? Probably Blake’s friend doesn’t know what he wants or lacks the experience and maturity to voice out what he wants; therefore his actions can be misinterpreted.

  11. Enter your comments here…
    The 18 factor is a BIG deal here. I work at a major university with >5500 freshmen incoming every year. This generation is predominantly text-driven! Us folks in Higher Ed worry about their ability to communicate verbally.
    As the mother of a 25 and 16 year old(s) guys, I can attest to the fact that texting is a CONSTANT practice. If we want to eat in peace I take those D*@ phones away.
    SO – it could just be culture shift.

    Peace, C-Mom

  12. I agree with you Guys. It’s obvious he wants her. Too bad he won’t be upfront about it and just ask her out on a date.

  13. The young man is just that…young At 18, the maturity level in the ability to get it right when it comes to asking a girl out…not to mention the fear of rejection is most definitely at its highest point of inexperience.
    The sexual jokes may be a way of him getting information about you in the field of whether you are in for a casual date or a serious date`
    Texting these days allows for a certain security blanket in that no eye contact has to be made when communicating.
    It would not hurt to skirt around the issue with a hint…such as…oh did you try and call..OR …i hope I gave you the right number. If she is really interested, there is no law saying she herself cannot make the move forward.

  14. He clearly wants one thing from you, he is not your type so just ignore him, he has a lot of growing up to do,

  15. Me and my hook up had the chat and decided to go our separate ways as he was confused about how he felt and asked me what I wanted and how I felt but didn’t let me answer it. A few days after we bumped into each other as we have the same circle of friends. It was very awkward. We both were civil to each and asked each other the normal greeting questions. But he tries to carry on with the conversation by going into details but I wasn’t interested. I just smiled and carried on with what I was doing. I saw him a week later and again he wanted to go into a conversation where as I’m just being polite but I don’t want to know why he is tired and why his friend let him down cuz he wanted to go to the gym. I was sitting down and walked over and was talking about something but I couldn’t hear him as we were at a bar. He came over and tickled me knowing I’m very ticklish. I told him to stop and laughed and walked away. After a few minutes he came over again and caressed the back off my neck. He knows that it’s a hot spot for me. At the end of the night we were all walking back to our cars and he was parked next to me. He started play fighting with me. I said you’d punch me and he said laughingly yes so I went to my car and stuck a finger up and smiled. I’m Confused by him. Why does he feel the need to touch me when he called it a day? His flirting with me like nothing’s happen. Where as I’m being civil to him and don’t wanna play games. He never explained why he we had the talk as I never questioned what we were doing as I knew what it was. His behaving like nothing’s happen. Is it wrong for me to feel his over stepping the mark?

  16. @Emmy……..No, it’s not wrong for you to feel how you do. But he’s playing you. Likely looking for sex. You need to set boundaries.

  17. What do I do. I’ve been cold towards him but it doesn’t seem to work. He was the one who questioned it. We had the talk and he asked me what I wanted? How I felt? I didn’t answer it. When I said I did want a relationship but I didn’t say with him. He questioned what we were. He asked me how my family would feel if i took him home.All he kept saying was I’m confused. I don’t wanna hurt you. I care for you and your lovely. I don’t want a relationship but I do want you to pop over now and then. Since he called it off I’ve tried to keep it civil but he doesn’t seem to get it. I’m confused by the whole thing. What’s going on?

  18. @Emmy……It’s hard to say exactly how this is going to play out. We know you want answers, but you’re smack in the middle of a time when you may not get answers right away. So our best advice is try to be patient. (We know, not great to hear.) And just see how this plays out.

  19. So we had another chat. He turned around to me and said your were offish with me the other day. I told him I don’t know how to be around you as I don’t know where that conversation came from? And he said he didn’t know himself but that he was still confused. I asked him about what and he said he didn’t know. He said he didn’t want it to get messy. But he said he didn’t want a relationship and I said nor did I. Not with him! I never said did I. He said you don’t mind me texting you saying come over.
    I was happy to carry on the way they we were, your the one who questioned it. whats he still confused about? Don’t understand how can you be confused? What’s he trying to tell me?

  20. @Emmy…..We’re confused ourselves. Basically we don’t think he wants a relationship. Might be time to move on. This is just going to make you more confused, annoyed and resentful.

  21. I think you are absolutely right. The more I’m keeping my distance and behaving in a civil way the more he keeps trying to flirt and touch me. He also gets jealous when other men are talking to me. I’ve really had enough. I don’t want anymore games. How do I stop this touching and flirting? I feel he is over stepping the mark. I’m not interested in fwb and I’ve made myself clear.

  22. @Emmy….How is he able to flirt with you? Can’t you just avoid him? That’s a good place to start.

  23. He will try to touch me by tickling me and touch the back of my neck. If you ask him anything in general he will make a sexual innuendo’s out of it. He’ll try to remind me of the time we spent together. I’ve tried to avoid him but I work with him.

  24. I began a friendship with this guy about a month ago. We’ve met up at bars a couple of times and had really great conversations. Some serious topics and a lot of laughing. We have very similar life goals and personalities. He invited me back to his apartment after the bar one night and I agreed to go. We talked and then he told me that at the risk of sounding like a total and complete jackass, this was the time of night that he usually brings his lady friends back (he was trying to make light of hooking up). He said that he thought I was incredibly attractive and then I stopped him and told him that I just wasn’t that kind of girl. He said he understood and that he wouldn’t pressure me. I placed an emphasis on being friends. I texted him the next day and he responded with lengthy texts. I didn’t talk to him for a whole week and then texted him the next weekend to see how his week had been. We had a back and forth conversation and without being prompted, he said that he would me invite me over but if he did that then he would get into work on an emergency for sure (he is a veterinarian). Another week goes by and I text him on Thursday to let him know that I’m bringing my horse into his practice. I ask him if it’s his weekend off and he says yes but he has to volunteer on Saturday. I then tell him that I was going to ask him if he had time/wanted to hang out sometime over the weekend but since I knew he was working, I answered my own question. He responded with “Shouldn’t last all weekend!” and so I told him to let me know if he wanted to do something and that I didn’t want to disrupt his time to himself. I didn’t hear anything back after that but I left the ball in his court. His texts are always lengthy in response to my texts with exclamation marks, proper grammar, humor, etc. But he has yet to text me first. I’m trying to figure out if he sees me as a friend, someone he’s interested in, a hook-up buddy (and if I’m not willing to hook-up with him then he will just drop me), or something else. What’s does he want? How should I proceed? I really enjoy spending time with him and would be willing to give a relationship a try but I won’t go the friends with benefits route and I don’t want to hook-up with him because that could send mixed messages. Should I be more forward and ask him to hang out? Or should I not contact him for awhile and see if he asks me?

  25. @Sara…..Let him initiate. Otherwise you’re not going to know how he really feels about you. If he says he’s so busy, or working a lot, those are just excuses. So don’t make this easy for him. If he’s interested he’ll pursue you. Good luck.

  26. This question might not have an answer but I was wondering, why do guys start telling me about their past relationship failures when i never asked? Its happened more than once and it seems like they always bring it up out of the blue.

  27. @Alice…..We have no idea. Not something we would do. Not much of a turn on is it? They probably do it because they feel comfortable with you. That’s a compliment. But they feel a bit too comfortable.

  28. @All the Women out There…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

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