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What happened with this guy?

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Dear Guys,

I joined a gym last year and started working out with one of the PTs. We worked out every other week which then turned into every week – he was good and I pushed myself when I was with him. We started talking outside of the gym through Facebook…he always contacted me and it soon became flirty. I figured this is just the way he is, keeping me sweet so I would stay with him as a PT. But the flirting became a bit more obvious at the gym, with his mates ribbing him when I was around; and I got messages from his mates through Facebook telling me he liked me. About 5 weeks ago, he quit the gym because it wasn’t working out for him. He didn’t tell me until the last day and said he could either pass me onto someone else or he would be happy to train ‘with’ me, which is what we continued to do.

A few weeks ago, he went out and got drunk and was texting me. He ended up telling me his heart was maybe mine. I chalked it up to him being drunk. But when I saw him the following week he played down how drunk he was saying by the end of the night he wasn’t at all drunk. This conversation continued later on after the gym and I invited him round the next night. He came round and we kissed and he stayed the night. We talked till about 2am and though it was a bit rushed in the morning it didn’t seem awkward.

Now he has stopped all contact with me. After standing me up at the gym and not responding to my text, I caught him on Facebook and asked him what was going on—not thinking I would get a response. He told me he didn’t want a relationship or anything, and his life/ head was messed up, and there were things I didn’t know about him. Once he told me, he quickly logged off so I sent him a message saying I understood and that I respected his decision. The next day I stupidly messaged his mate —the one who’d messaged me in the past— to find out if he was okay. The guy found out and had a huge go at me. I apologized straight away saying I was confused by how he was acting. He responded by telling me that if I was to continue to pester him I should get out of his life! I haven’t contacted him since then, but did he really just want one thing from me? It seems a lot of work for one night and that night could have happened a long time ago. He says it wasn’t a one night thing but I have lost a friend over this and it hurts! I never said I wanted a relationship so why has he just cut me out of his life like this?? Have I been completely fooled?!

Becs

Dear Becs,

Thanks for your question. (We’re going to read between the lines and assume the two of you were intimate with one another when he slept over. It sounds like it. )

No you haven’t been fooled. We actually agree with your assessment. We think this is a lot of work for a “one night stand.” Although, we won’t lie and say it’s not impossible he had a complete reversal in his desire for a relationship with you.

One thing important to note about guys: sometimes it takes having sex with someone for a guy to truly know whether or not he’s into a particular woman. Of course we would say: if a guy is truly in love with a woman he’ll make it work even if there aren’t fireworks in the bedroom. This latter type of guy believes relationships require commitment and effort, and with this type of mentality, it’s likely all aspects of the relationship will only get better and better. But a hefty percentage of guys will sleep with a woman before they’re 100% sure; and it’s not until AFTER the deed is done—when the chemicals in their bodies have gone back to normal levels—when they’re able to think clearly. That’s why we always say, make sure your man says I love you at other times besides right before sex.

But Becs, maybe his life is as messed up as he says it is. And maybe you don’t know him like he’s saying. Sure, this may be a ruse to throw you off his scent, a deflection to keep you from discovering the real truth: he slept with you only to realize he’s not into you. However, we think he’s telling the truth here. And if so, maybe he does need to get his “stuff” together before he’s able to be in a relationship. It would be nice if he could provide you with more details, which might help put your mind to rest, but that’s not going to happen. The two of you don’t know each other well enough, and it sounds like these other issues are things he’d like to keep private.

So this is one of those situations where you’re just going to always wonder what happened unfortunately. But rest assured, you certainly didn’t do anything wrong. This is all about him, not you. And who knows maybe he’ll come around, and at some point you’ll get the answers you’re looking for. But for now, respect his wishes, and move on with your life.

Good luck. Leave us a follow up comment and keep us posted.

THE GUYS

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2 Comments on What happened with this guy?

  1. Hi, ive been in a 2 year relationship, we have had our ups and downs but recently we have been fighting a lot especially about the little things, he has a tendency to not study (were in college) and be a bum even though he has the initiative to and tells me he wants to be a successful doctor it seems he cares more about football and I think being a doctor is not really what he wants, he has a lot of problems (financial, his father) and it all seems to pile up, I have been doing nothing but to try to make his life easier but it seems he is just dragging me down with him. We are together everyday, sleep in the same place everyday, and when I see him not doing anything about all the problems he should solve I get more mad which causes us to fight some more.

    2 weeks ago I guess is where things got out of hand, again we had a major fight and I know he tried to talk it out but because I was very full of him, I just walked away. I was on my way home when I told him I wanted to break up, I said a lot of mean things. we did not talk for 5 days, but then again I always use the break up card when things get out of hand and I know that he knows that I did not mean the break up. Thursday went by and we actually had a decent talk, he was crying to me and he was saying how much he loves me, to make the long story short, he admitted that he is a mess as a person, that for the interval that we were not together he was able to realize how much he has not grown as a person, that he is immature, irresponsible and the fact that everyone adjusts for him but he does not adjust for everyone. For the first time EVERYTHING I was trying to make him realize he actually did. He said that I did nothing but tried to make his life easier, of how much I am selfless but what he was doing is dragging me down, that he was just dead weight to me. It hurts me a lot because the whole time he was saying this to me he was crying he broke down the moment he said that what pains him the most is that I am going to med school next year and he would be left in pre med cause of all his failed units. I told him I cant believe he is doing this and he is leaving me but he said he is not leaving me, i cannot comprehend this because I think that is what he is doing.

    What is weird about the whole conversation is he still calls me “babe” while breaking up with me. He tells me he loves me very much but its over because he wants me to move on and there is no future with him because he is a guy without a future. He is a mess, he told me and I told him I wanted to fix it but he said he would not be able to fix himself as long as I’m there, that everyone is pushing him to grow up and have responsibilities but he said its actually time to push himself.

    The guy’s please help me, I do not know what to do or what are the possibilities of everything that hapenned, I love him very much and I want us to be together like everything before.

  2. @Lauren….If you have any chance to be together in the future, he needs to grow up on his own. He can’t do that with you around for two reasons. 1. You enable him. 2. He plays the helpless card.
    This guy is lost. He needs to get his act together himself. The two of you have fallen into a destructive pattern that benefits neither of you. Both of you need some space to figure out what you truly want. Sure, when faced with breaking up the two of you get sentimental and cling to each other, but that’s not the reality of your relationship. The reality is: He needs to grow up. And you need to allow him to grow up. Sure, there are no guarantees that the two of you will get back together, but if you stay together now, we can guarantee that you’ll break up for good. Your thoughts?

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