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What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

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Dear Guys,

I married my husband about 18 months ago.  We had only been together for 6 months when he proposed – he tells me he was “so in love with me” and he was the first man I dated after a 12 year marriage. Two months after we got engaged, I got pregnant. We still got married and had our daughter. Unfortunately, the month before our daughter was born his “friends” started being rude etc (calling me out on public social networks) because he had a fight with them. I apparently was the cause. When our daughter was born he went to the “friends” begging for their forgiveness – I felt betrayed that he would do that to me. I told him this and he said that I was being ridiculous and dismissed my concern. He no longer talks to them. (By his choice)

We have had a number of issues since January of this year:

a) He closed his company and is no longer earning the same amount as before. I am now carrying the burden of “our” joint debt as well as having to pay for his car payments, insurance etc

b) He works any and all hours that are available and leaves me raising our kids. I have to pretty much beg him to help.

c) A month ago I found condoms in an overnight bag. I asked him about it and he was very very upset and angry with me. Asking me how could I ever accuse him of cheating on me. A week later, I found a condom in his console of his truck while helping him look for something. I was so hurt and upset and figured that maybe our marriage was done. He threatened me that “there would be no turning back.” A week after that incident that condom is missing. (I put money in console and noticed it was missing.) When he found out I knew, he told me that he threw it out because I was so upset. But he hasn’t gotten rid of the condoms in the overnight bag?  I am totally confused. I asked him if he was sleeping with anyone else and he got very hurt and upset with me. He tells me that I should know and how could I even imagine that?  He tells me that if I don’t trust him then we have serious problems.

d) Our sex life doesn’t exist. We have had sex twice in the last 2 months. When I ask him about it, he blames it on: the fact that he is tired, I don’t make an effort in any way (either appearance wise with the appropriate lingerie), and I don’t make any gestures that I am interested. We never have had “a lot of sex” since we dated. In the prime of our relationship it might have been once a week maximum. He then tells me that he is disappointed because I tease him and tell him that I might go out and get lingerie.

e) I mention to him about counseling and he tells me that “if we need counseling then we have SERIOUS marriage issues”…  He then tells me that we don’t.

f) I ask him if he loves me and he gets very upset and angry- telling me that he would do anything for me and our daughter and he is tired of having to keep on telling me. He tells me that he loves me more than life itself and that I’ll ever know.

g) He reminds me of how I have changed – I don’t make lunches for him etc

h) He gets angry if I call him at work – Tuesday night when I called to ask him when he would be home (he left at 8:30am and when I called him it was 9pm) “when he was tired.”

So, if he loves me why is he doing this?????

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thanks for your question. We’re not sure what he’s actually doing? Or is it what he’s not doing? Let’s try and figure this out.

We can see how you’d be suspicious, but finding condoms in his truck or his overnight bag is not enough to incriminate him. Were they always there and you just never noticed them? Was this overnight bag something he used to bring to your place? Sometimes guys have old condoms lying around just out of habit. It doesn’t mean he’s cheating. (We’re not saying the possibility isn’t there, what we’re saying is, in order to answer this question we’re going to take him at his word. It’s up to you whether you do. And you would know that better than us. But everything we say here is based on taking him at his word.)

Let’s start with the sex. It’s very common for a couple’s sex life to decrease a bit once life consumes them. If you only had sex once a week in your prime courting time, it only makes sense for you to be having even less sex now. Also, your husband is now working odd hours, you also have a kid, and you have bills to pay. By the end of the day he’s probably wiped out and possibly overwhelmed with trying to foot his share of the load. It only makes sense that he’s not that interested in sex. Also, if you’re constantly asking him to prove his love and loyalty that’s probably contributing to his general lack of interest.

FYI: Many guys have a higher libido in the morning. Any chance you can rearrange your day and make this happen? With so much on your collective plate, you might need to mix it up a bit. Get creative. Try new things, new times of the day, new places, etc.

If your husband truly loves you like he says he does then your constant mistrust of him, AND his love, is seriously undermining your relationship. (We don’t know him, so once again we’ll take him at face value.) It can get tiring to have to prove to someone over and over how much you love them. And in your case it’s more a reflection of your own insecurity rather than his lack of love. We do agree with you that counseling, or seeing someone as a couple so you can voice your feelings, might not be a bad thing, but at the same time, it’s pretty typical that guys will be resistant to this sort of thing, especially if he doesn’t understand why you don’t trust him.

The only way you can make this work is to start trusting him Lola. And if you don’t trust him then you need to rethink your commitment to him and the relationship. But until you know for sure that he’s doing something unsavory, we think you need to do everything you can to hold up your end of the relationship. And then of course it’s up to him to do the same.

We do wish you the best and hope you can work this out. We don’t like to see families break apart.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us.

 

 

 

7 Comments on What is going on in my marriage? I am confused and tormented

  1. Hi. My situation is a bit complicated, although I’m sure I’m not the only one. I’m 24 yrs old and my husband is 28. I love him dearly and I know that he has feelings for me (although they may not be as strong). We’ve been married for about 5 yrs now and have gone through ALOT. We have a 3yr old, and we have his 10 yr old from a previous relationship. To start off, when we first began everything was great and 4 months in we had a bit of a separation due to legal matters that we could not control. It was only for a month but it was one of the longest month I’ve ever witnessed (u see why). We were soon reunited and 2 months later married. Fast forward 2.5 in, we were having problems here and there but nothing major. A few about bills, I worked only part time sometimes I had not hrs at all, but all in all we coped and we were happy. We decided to try and have a bb and final got preg. Thats when it all began. . .we argued about him working to much and not having time for each other, we started arguing about him going out with friends (which a few yrs later just got worse due to my insecurities, which I am working on). It was a horrid time for me. As a pregnant woman I felt alone, abandoned, lost! During this time I must admit I was cruel to him. I had mood swings like a bipolar. One min happy, then crying, angry, didn’t want him around then when he left I would call for him to come back. It must hav been tiring for him. Although I see now I was pushing him away with how I acted, I acknowledge the fact that he did what he could but at the time I was to selfish to see that. At this time I found things I could never forget (i.e. a picture of a naked women, a girl sent him; him telling some girl in France “he wish he could see her”; him getting calls from friends but if I picked up they would hang up. . .) he says he didn’t ever cheat, although I believe he didn’t ever physically, emotionally YES. But a a guy doesn’t thnk that way. I flipped out, and whether it was hormones or not, I just wanted out! But I didn’t because at the end of the day I still loved him and wanted to work things out. About alittle over a yr later, we still having issues and they were getting worse! Add to the mix that now (at the time 8yrsold) his daughter comes to live with us. Never met her, have an 8 mth old 1st child that I’m learning to care for, dealing post partum (which at the time didn’t know what was happening to me) i have to take of them both now with no help. I didn’t know what to do. He didnt help. Just came home ate and slept. I decided he needed to see what it was to take care of a child. He hated me for this. Said that I didn’t love his 8yr old and didnt love him. ( I can’t say I loved her, I’ve never had had a relationship with her so we had to connection, but he didnt see or understand that. He just wanted a babysitter). Well . . . That ended HORRIBLE! A month with his child living with us, the stress, anguish, anger, everything he felt took over. I come home, he has packed all this things and his child (from the previous relationship) and has basically abandoned me and our 1yrold. I’m left alone, without a job, can’t pay rent, and with a baby whom woke up at he fathers side every morning. Didnt hear from him for 2wks just one call the day he left saying he was gone 400 miles (2 states) away. I had to move everything myself with no help ( took me 3days). Piled everything up in my moms basement and slept in her living room with my bb. In a one month period he saw our bb twice because it was a 5hr drive back and forth. We had . . . The second time he came to see our bb. By this time he decided that his bb came first and moved back with his 8yrold to be close to our bb. 5 months go by he had his fling, I had mine. He sent his 8yr back with her mom. We decide to try to work things out and get back together. Things are going great. We’re adjusting again. I move in with him. We get a new car together. We rent a house. He brings his now 9 yrs back with us. We doing good. I’m learning to care for the kids. I had time to reflect alittle. And all in all I was greatful for this period because it was just becoming overwhelming. Every one I knew was mad at me for not being mad at him for what he did to me. They though I was crazy. But why be mad? It wasn’t the best way to do things but you live and you learn. We needed it and honestly I wasn’t going to have the courage to do it. Now, a yr later and the same things are coming into play. He’s never home due to work. I’m always with the kids, though his (now 10yr) is no dilemma to me. I hate when he leaves and argue. Just a viscous circle. Icing on the cake, I find that I had an std from that fling during our break. He though I was cheating so he wanted a separation. We all go checked and re checked and found that it was due to that one time, how life is huh. Even though he sees I didn’t cheat he doesn’t want to get back together. He says we should have a time apart to see what we really want. I know that I myself have a lot to work on. We’ve been separated for 4wks now, although we are currently still living together. Although he wants me leave to have a true separation. He doesn’t want to run the way he did before. Plus he has a business he can’t just leave. A 3 yr old. And a child in school here. In this time I’ve learned a lot. I tried so hard to try and change him, when the only person I can change is me. I know I didn’t pick my battles very well. I was a nag. And push him away. I believe that even though we separated before I didn’t have the chance to “deal” with things. It was more of “out of sight, out of mind”. Now with us living together but not “being together” I am learning to control myself better. I have a lot to learn, I know. I’ve had a conversation with him in which I ask him if he doesn’t mind me living with him to help myself keep dealing and fixing these problems, wether it helps with this relationship or the next.. His response is” what bothers me is that you’ll learn with me, and the next one gets it easy. You talk as if you want some one self” I respond” I don’t. But you made yourself clear and I can’t force you to change your mind. I can only work on me. Wether you decide to try again is up to you. Your choice.” We leave it at that. Alothough we had relations maybe 10 mins after the convo. We sleep in separate rooms, so it’s not like we do this everyday. Before this conversation, we had a convo where we basically decided to do a ” friends with benefits” thing, but he also said he won’t see no one and I won’t see anyone, and I agreed. To stay close as I could to him. My problem? We’ll I’m. Not sure this was the best thing now. I want to do what I can to save my marriage. But I don’t understand him. Does he love me? Is he just used to me? Is he afraid for this to just turn out the same? On top of that, today I hear him talking to some girl ( he didn’t know I was listening) saying you owe me a lot. And texts that he try’s to invite her out. What’s going on? I didn’t say anything be cause I know we are separated, if I wasn’t around I wouldn’t have heard, and I’m walking on egg shells. But I’m so confused. Is the FWB going to hurt our marriage? He planning on having another fling? 5.5 yrs is he really done? Do I say anything? Or do I keep it in and take the risk of him pushing father away? Please help!

  2. @Shelly….We’re sorry. This sounds really hard. But we have to agree with your friends. You keep blaming yourself for this and that, but honestly, his behavior has been pretty immature and selfish. It doesn’t sound like he wanted a wife, it sounds like he wanted a maid, a babysitter, and maybe someone to have sex with. He didn’t even try to understand how you were feeling. (Depressed, pregnant, etc.) And then he throws his other child into the mix like it’s no big deal. Sure, it would have been nice if you could have made it work, but for him to blame you for everything seems a bit reckless to us. Our take: This relationship may have run its course. If he’s not willing to work at reconciling and trying to get things to a better place you might need to think about moving on as difficult as that may be. Do you really think he’s the kind of guy you want to have a long term relationship with? A guy who doesn’t take your feelings into account and then blames you for everything and makes you feel guilty. This is seriously hurting our self-esteem. Have you suggested couples counseling? Also: You might want to talk to someone yourself so you can get on more solid footing.

  3. I know it sounds like I blame a lot on myself. Like I’ve said before I’ve tried so hard to change him, at time manipulate him to do what I wanted, it didnt work. I know now that if I wanted something to change I had to do it for myself and no one else. He has his wrongs but only he can deal with them, I can’t make him. I do love him and I want to make my marriage work. I know it seems far fetched but I have faith that it can be a better relationship. The way it once was, in a sense. There were a few things about myself i didnt metion. I grew up with no father and my mom didnt really give me much attention. From the age of 6 I thrived to do everything perfect to get some kind of attention from my mom. It never did any good. It was either “ok” “I see later” or “I can’t right now”. I just wanted someone to love me. I always felt alone. It only go worse when she moved her now ex in after 4 months being with him. He hated me and my mom just went with it. For 10 yrs, I heard from this person,”you’re ugly, go to your room, no one cares about, you think your better then everyone else but you’re nothing, slut, you’re going to get pregnant and on the street” and countless other things. Torchured for 10 yrs of my life and all my mom did was send me to my room. I wanted nothing to with men. And isolated myself from the world. Keep myself in my studies and book reading. When I meet him I put him up on this pedestal. I wanted all the attention and love I didn’t get all my life from him and only him. I didn’t want him around anyone but me and that caused many many problems. I have many issues I myself have to deal with. And it wasn’t fair for him and the relationship for me to bring in my past. It only stressed what good we had. I have trust issues, due to the previous, and though this of him even without reason. I know he is a good guy. And I know relationship aren’t meant to be easy. I want to learn to be independent, strong, and happy. Not depend on him for every little thing. I want to know he loves me without always needing to hear it or for him to “show” me. I want to go about my day and not have the need to call him all the time or visit him everyday at his job.(I’ve done all the above) I want to know if working at it, living together but “separated” will work. And how I can change my marriage foe the better. Or is it just a fantasy in my head

  4. I think it’s worth it. I just need to be more about me then waking up and just thinking what I can do for him. I think I’ve smothered him to the point where he feels suffocated and doesn’t want to deal with anymore. On top of the fact that he was raised where if you cried (whether boy or girl) you literally got beat. Emotions were a sign of weakness. And I cry ALOT. When I’m sad, when I’m happy, during movies, video games, weddings, mass, like everything . . .

  5. @Shelly…..Thanks for filling us in. This helps clarify things for us. It sounds like you’ve worked on yourself; are you still doing that? With a therapist, counselor? We’d recommend it. (Many people find comfort in talking with a professional. ) And what about him? What’s he up to right now? Honestly, you may have brought some things into the relationship but it sounds like he has as well. Is he working on his own issues? Or does he not think he has any and is blaming you for everything? (That’s a problem) Because if so the power balance of this relationship is way out of whack. And that’s a huge issue. Upon entering the relationship you gave him all the power. But relationships can’t survive that way. Eventually the person giving up their power—you—starts to feel resentful and angry. And the other person, the person with the power, takes advantage. (That’s exactly what he did) So the goal is to restore the balance of power and come to a better understanding. Of course the only way that will work is if he’s open to doing that and willing to put a lot of work into reconciling. Is he? That’s what you need to find out.

  6. He’s hesitant but is willing to try. I haven’t seen a professional but I know it’s in my best interest. We both agree there are things we could have done different. He knows he has his part in fault. I agree with you guys 100% I gave him all the power, gave in and didnt live my own life. I though our life was one and didnt let him breath either. I did begin to resent him and get angry but that was the cause of my own mistake and i wouldnt admit to it. It’s taken me along time to see these things and I can’t only keep working on them to make myself a better stronger person and my relationship as well. Inexperience didnt help and having no friends didnt either. I just wanted to be around him and that was all. I know now that we can be a couple but still do things a part. I needed to meet people and explore life and not get stuck. Again all things I am learning as I go. Thanks you guys for all the help. I appreciate it.

  7. @Shelly….We’re also saying he needs to do some work too. He played a big part in all of this too and took advantage of you. Good luck.

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