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He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)
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“Soon to be Mom” – This will be up tonight. We apologize for the confusion if you saw this post up earlier today.
Where to start?! I met this guy 6 years ago. He told me that his wife had died 12 months previously after 30 years of marriage. I was concerned that he may find dating difficult but he assured me that he was okay. We went out to dinner and it was good. We got on well.
Then he started to wear his wedding ring and asked me if I minded. At first I was okay but eventually I saw it as a lack of respect not only for me but for the memory of his wife too. As why be with me if he is still thinking of his wife?
Time passed and things were good. We went on our first holiday together. He seemed to have a jealous streak but I tried to help him through this. We arrived back home from our holiday(to his house as I was semi living there) and his daughter (aged approx 40 yrs with child and married and settled etc.) brought a large framed picture of his wife into the kitchen. I walked out. I had not come accross such behavior before. From this point our relationship has never managed to get back to stability. His daughter has caused endless arguments as she is more like ‘the other woman’ rather than a daughter. She constantly phones when we are out; she calls early morning at the weekend when we are still in bed – you get the picture. He calls her ‘doll’ and ‘sweetheart’ and whispers or walks out of the room to talk to her.
He has accused me of smiling at other men when I am with him. (I have not done this) He accuses me of wanting him for his money. (I have my own money and property). He buys me clothes and gifts then threatens to either cut them up or take them back to the shop. He has taken the car keys from me. He accused me of putting my job (I need a job) before him. When we have gone to other destinations he creates an argument on the way back and ends the relationship. Then days later contacts me to say he is sorry and can we have a ‘fresh start’ I have had so many fresh starts it’s like being on a merry go round. He loses his temper if I forget to put an item back in the refrigerator. He has thrown me out of his property too many times when he has lost him temper over something that ‘normal’ people would bypass completely. He has asked for my forgiveness and says that he has behaved badly and done things wrong. For 18months he tried to win me over but I just couldn’t do it. Now he wants to be friends.
Please tell me what I have been dealing with here?
Thanks for writing to us.
We’re actually amazed that you put up with his behavior for this long. Obviously you must care for him, and we’re assuming he has some nice qualities, otherwise you wouldn’t have stuck around. But we can see why you’ve now decided it isn’t going to work.
Someone who’s been married for thirty years is never really going to get over the loss of their spouse. There will always be an empty space inside them where that person once occupied. Some people are able to move on and forge new relationships, and others decide not to, or simply can’t.
However, if a person chooses to have a new relationship they can’t hold their new partner hostage as they try to work through their grief. In your case it’s clear your man is not anywhere near being over the loss of his wife. Maybe he wants to be. And maybe he met you and liked you a lot, and so he tried to be ready, but all his actions point to the fact that he’s not.
As far as his relationship with his daughter, well that makes sense to us. His daughter sees you as a threat to the memory of her mother. She doesn’t like the fact that her father is already in a relationship, but instead of communicating her feelings to her dad, she has taken a more covert route. But keep in mind that family bonds can often get tighter when tragedy or loss strikes. So we can see why they feel so connected to each other, and why you almost feel like she’s the “other woman” instead of the daughter, because in some ways she is trying to fill the void of his wife for him, and at the same time cling to her only surviving parent. Remember she will always be daddy’s little girl. That’s just how we’re built. All this says to us is, they both need a lot more time to grieve.
So you might ask, then why does he act so jealous? That is another matter entirely and has more to do with his own insecurities coupled with the dynamic of your relationship. His behavior is a red flag, and you shouldn’t have to put up with that, especially because it sounds like the two of you have been talking about it and trying to work through it. If it hasn’t gotten better by now, then it’s likely not going to change.
The best advice we can give to you is, take a step back and let this man and his daughter work through their painful loss. If you want to be there for him in some way, then keep your role as a supportive friend only. But for your own sake, we think you should move on and find a man that is ready to be in a committed relationship.
Best to you,
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