What is his problem?

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Long distance guy; is he worth it?

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Friends with benefits

Long distance relationship-to college: Is this girl playing me?

He’s controlling and jealous; friends with the opposite sex(Read comments)

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Confused by my marine

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Dear Guys,

Where to start?!  I met this guy 6 years ago.  He told me that his wife had died 12 months previously after 30 years of marriage.  I was concerned that he may find dating difficult but he assured me that he was okay.  We went out to dinner and it was good. We got on well.

Then he started to wear his wedding ring and asked me if I minded. At first I was okay but eventually I saw it as a lack of respect not only for me but for the memory of his wife too. As why be with me if he is still thinking of his wife?

Time passed and things were good. We went on our first holiday together. He seemed to have a jealous streak but I tried to help him through this.  We arrived back home from our holiday(to his house as I was semi living there) and his daughter (aged approx 40 yrs with child and married and settled etc.) brought a large framed picture of his wife into the kitchen. I walked out. I had not come accross such behavior before. From this point our relationship has never managed to get back to stability.  His daughter has caused endless arguments as she is more like ‘the other woman’ rather than a daughter. She constantly phones when we are out; she calls early morning at the weekend when we are still in bed – you get the picture. He calls her ‘doll’ and ‘sweetheart’ and whispers or walks out of the room to talk to her.

He has accused me of smiling at other men when I am with him. (I have not done this) He accuses me of wanting him for his money. (I have my own money and property).  He buys me clothes and gifts then threatens to either cut them up or take them back to the shop.  He has taken the car keys from me.  He accused me of putting my job (I need a job) before him.  When we have gone to other destinations he creates an argument on the way back and ends the relationship.  Then days later contacts me to say he is sorry and can we have a ‘fresh start’  I have had so many fresh starts it’s like being on a merry go round.  He loses his temper if I forget to put an item back in the refrigerator.  He has thrown me out of his property too many times when he has lost him temper over something that ‘normal’ people would bypass completely. He has asked for my forgiveness and says that he has behaved badly and done things wrong.  For 18months he tried to win me over but I just couldn’t do it.  Now he wants to be friends.

Please tell me what I have been dealing with here?


Dear Daisy,

Thanks for writing to us.

We’re actually amazed that you put up with his behavior for this long. Obviously you must care for him, and we’re assuming he has some nice qualities, otherwise you wouldn’t have stuck around. But we can see why you’ve now decided it isn’t going to work.

Someone who’s been married for thirty years is never really going to get over the loss of their spouse. There will always be an empty space inside them where that person once occupied. Some people are able to move on and forge new relationships, and others decide not to, or simply can’t.

However, if a person chooses to have a new relationship they can’t hold their new partner hostage as they try to work through their grief. In your case it’s clear your man is not anywhere near being over the loss of his wife. Maybe he wants to be. And maybe he met you and liked you a lot, and so he tried to be ready, but all his actions point to the fact that he’s not.

As far as his relationship with his daughter, well that makes sense to us. His daughter sees you as a threat to the memory of her mother. She doesn’t like the fact that her father is already in a relationship, but instead of communicating her feelings to her dad, she has taken a more covert route. But keep in mind that family bonds can often get tighter when tragedy or loss strikes. So we can see why they feel so connected to each other, and why you almost feel like she’s the “other woman” instead of the daughter, because in some ways she is trying to fill the void of his wife for him, and at the same time cling to her only surviving parent. Remember she will always be daddy’s little girl. That’s just how we’re built. All this says to us is, they both need a lot more time to grieve.

So you might ask, then why does he act so jealous? That is another matter entirely and has more to do with his own insecurities coupled with the dynamic of your relationship. His behavior is a red flag, and you shouldn’t have to put up with that, especially because it sounds like the two of you have been talking about it and trying to work through it. If it hasn’t gotten better by now, then it’s likely not going to change.

The best advice we can give to you is, take a step back and let this man and his daughter work through their painful loss. If you want to be there for him in some way, then keep your role as a supportive friend only. But for your own sake, we think you should move on and find a man that is ready to be in a committed relationship.

Best to you,


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7 Comments on What is his problem?

  1. I want my boyfriend to tickle me before we have sex because it gets me in the mood. I am on somemedications that make me not want sex. I love him and want to please him in every way. Without telling him I want to know what to do.

  2. Daisy, there are red flags popping up all around you, and I know you know what that means. Voicing jealousy can sometimes be a sign of a control freak–someone who just might try to control your life and end up being abusive.
    Also, I agree with the Guys that he is not ready to move on, and his relationship with his daughter speaks loudly to this. Adults should not be held hostage by their adult children.

  3. Judie

    Thanks for your response. He has been abusive such as controlling, name calling, fake accusation, re-writing history, choosing to ‘forget’ bad past behaviour. His daughter manipulates him and interferes. It has been a total mess and very draining. But at times I felt that he wanted to break free from all of the hassle and try to be with me. I have since found out that his wife ‘wore the trousers’ however this should not exclude abusive behaviour. We are not even communicating at the moment and I have given his daughter some home truths, but it has taken 6 years to do this!

  4. @Daisy…….Thanks for your update. Glad Judie’s comments helped. Take care of yourself.

  5. so me nd this guy were talking and he said he liked me but now he doesnt talk to me much any more what does that mean, what should i do?

  6. @D…..It means he’s changed his mind or he was playing you in the first place. You should move on.

  7. tinkerbecca // April 29, 2013 at 11:10 am //

    I was on an unplanned night out and met a guy who had a stop off in my town on the way to another job the next day. He was with his boss and I was with my best friend. His boss was married but got on with my friend like a house on fire and nothing happened between them.
    But me and him were like a magnet to each other I have never felt chemistry like it he said so before I did.Outside the bar when I went for a cigarette he came with me even though he didnt smoke so we could chat alone, he asked to add me on Facebook which we did. Even his boss and my friend joked we had fell in love. I went back to his hotel just planning on staying in the bar and snook into a basement and talked about everything you could imagine he even said he had never met anyone like me and was looking forward to staying intouch and was coming back up to where I live in 2 weeks for a stag do.We had the most amazing sex and were down in the basement for about 7 hours. Even after we stopped we couldn’t stop kissing each other.In the morning he asked for my number and I said I bet I dont see him again and he said you try and stop me I have never clicked like this with anyone before.Then they dropped us off in their van at my friends house and me and him were in the back of the van for about 30 minutes continuously kissing again we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.It wasn’t awkward once we couldn’t stop chatting and laughing the whole time we were together.
    When we left each other he grabbed me hugged me and gave me a massive kiss and his boss was saying put her down you will get to see her again and he didn’t want to let me go.
    Then I text him later on that day to see if they arrived safely and he replied,we sent a few jokey texts blaming each other for feeling rough. I fell asleep and didnt hear anything again that night.
    I was please he had replied and text him the next morning joking( i still feel rough and i still blame you haha) fully expecting a reply as he text back the previous day.
    The whole day I didn’t hear a thing and suddenly I had a gut feeling he would block me off facebook which he did!!
    I left it for a day and was fuming so text him saying (Why block me off Facebook? If you didn’t want to speak to me or see me again you could have just said.Not like I expected to see you again. I thought you seemed like a nice guy but to be honest you have made me feel like shit. Anyway I just had to say something as it was pissing me off. Upto u now if you get in touch)
    Following this I am still blocked, still heard nothing I just don’t get it.
    I fully understand normally if you have a one night stand nothing comes of it but the way we were together and I have proof I wasn’t imagining it has frustrated and puzzled me.
    I know from his facebook he does not have a girlfriend, but for some reason I can’t get him out my head I am not normally like this and don;t want to come across as a bunny boiler it is just puzzling me.
    Any ideas please??

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