What is my FWB thinking?

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Hey Guys,

My best guy friend is also my Friend with Benefits. I never expected this to happen. We both gave our first kiss and virginity to each other. We both value each other as decent humans. We are around each other at least six hours a day, and he has told me on multiple occasions that I am his “closest friend.” I thought I would be able to control my emotions, but eventually I fell for him.

Since then, I have told him that I love him. To this day, we continue our sexual relationship. It has been four months; we cuddle and sleepover during the night, he holds my hands, caresses my hair, kisses my cheeks, pecks me on the mouth, watches movies with me, holds my hand in public at the mall, always says “youre so cute and beautiful” and “you’re the nicest living soul on this planet.” As of now, he has never hooked up with anyone. But nobody around us knows of our FWB relationship. What is he thinking? He isn’t a bad guy. He knows that it’s exclusive on my side. He knows that I am conservative and will not even consider anyone else. I have also told him that the next person I have sex with is probably my husband. He also said that I can find somebody so much better than him.

What is he thinking?


Dear Elise,

We’re not mind readers, but since you asked we’ll share our opinion.

Clearly you’re smitten over him. You see him as having long-term potential, a guy who you could possibly marry even. Have you told him this?

That said, we don’t think he’s thinking what you’re thinking. Yes, he likes you a lot. And yes, he thinks you’re cute and beautiful and the nicest living soul on the planet. However, when a guy is completely smitten over a woman he wants everyone to know about it. He wants to brag to the world and say, “Look at this amazing woman I’m with!!” We’re concerned that he’s not doing this and that no one is aware of your relationship.

We often talk about context with people. Within the context of a committed relationship his behavior would speak to a deeper emotional connection. But within the context of a Friends with Benefits arrangement, those are likely his hormones talking. He’s excited to be with you, but much of it has to do with the physical aspect of your “relationship.” It’s almost as if all of his sweetness is a form of foreplay, in order to assure that you’ll sleep with him again.

We don’t doubt he’s a nice guy and that he treats you well, but if he’s saying to you that you could do much better, what he’s really saying is: “I think you’re great, but you could be with a guy who really wants a relationship with you. I’m not that guy.”

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? That might be a good first step. You’re stuck right now. You’re realizing you want something more and you can see he might not be able to deliver. But before you throw in the towel, maybe it’s time for a heart-to-heart conversation? We can only guess as to his intentions; he’ll be able to give you direct answers. You deserve them. Remember: If he says, he’s not sure, or waffles a bit, that’s called a non-answer, which is the same as an answer. (If that makes sense.)

Follow up questions? Please leave thoughts in the comments section below. (You must be Logged In to do so.)

Take care of yourself,


ps. Please let your friends know about us. We’d appreciate it. Thanks!


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