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What’s the deal with this guy?

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Guys,

This guy and I have been “dating”/talking for awhile now.  When we originally started talking/hanging out he was single. Then he had a VERY short relationship. (3 weeks). He broke up with her because things just didn’t work out. But he also said he was interested in me as well at the time. So now we have been “seeing” each other ever since. We have been hanging out several times a week now. We kiss, hold hands, cuddle, etc. But nothing more than PG-13.  It has been several weeks and I don’t know if I am just being impatient or if he just is dragging his feet.

We both watch the same shows and when I get to certain episodes he says, “You are not allowed to watch that without me.” I get messages like that from him all the time. But then sometimes I get mixed signals like tonight when he called me kiddo, I said “wow if that wasn’t sexy I don’t know what is.”  He gave me a “Really?” I told him of course not and he just told me “Okay, nighty night”.

There was another instance when we were supposed to hang out.  He ended up going out with his family—they are very close—and canceled on me. He ended up kinda buzzed, but called to apologize for blowing me off. He admitted that he liked me and he didn’t want me to be angry with him, or worry about him hanging out with others. He also threw in a line about “if and when—heavy emphasis on the when—you meet my family.” But the next time we hung out he barely touched me, and he held my hand very little. He had asked if I was okay for some strange reason but that was about it. I got a goodbye kiss but that was it.

He is confusing the heck out of me and I don’t know if I should just ask where we are or just let things progress more since it has only been a couple of weeks. I want to know if there is something real there, or if he is just dragging me along until he finds something better.  HELP ME!!!!

Leanne

Dear Leanne,

Thanks for writing to us.

We can’t know exactly what’s in this guy’s heart, but he’s giving you many signs that he likes you, especially if he wants you to meet his family. Is it possible he’s shy? Or maybe inexperienced? Or maybe he just doesn’t know how you feel about him yet?

We’d say give it a few more weeks. See how things progress. Maybe take some initiative and invite him over for dinner or something like that. It sounds like he needs a little prompting, or possibly some reassurance from you that you’re interested. Hasn’t he already said that he’s into you?

If he’s feeling insecure or unsure, he’s going to give you mixed signals. He doesn’t want to show his hand completely for fear of being rejected. The male ego will do almost anything to avoid looking the fool. His ego sounds completely intact and possibly working overdrive.

If after a few more weeks you still don’t have your answers, we think you should lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. This doesn’t mean it will work out the way you’d like. It might; it might not. But this way you’ll at least know where you stand, and whether or not the relationship has a chance to progress to the next level.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks for your donation.

 

36 Comments on What’s the deal with this guy?

  1. Okay so I meet this guy and we started hanging out like just as friends and then I started to like him but I wasn’t sure that he liked me. He did burn a cd for me without me asking him to and we were hanging out for like two or three weeks, he hung out with my friends and family and even had us over to his house. When I stayed over at his house on my own we talked a lot then he told me that he was starting to really like me and things went from there, but he still cuddled up with me after wards and came and hung out again a few times. We were even supposed to go to a concert together later this month. He had been texting me back and forth for a while then a couple of days ago he stopped so I left him alone and hit him up the next day, then he texted me back and I sent him this text “Ouch that sucks. But I guess you got ot so that’s cool. Lol for a min. there I thought you didn’t want to talk to me any more lol” and he replied with “I am kinda nervous” when I asked him why he sent me this “I just don’t know what to do with my life and I do like u and I don’t wanna start something I don’t think I can handle right now, and out of respect for u and the hatchet I just can’t do this I’m not ready”. What I want to know is what that means because I really like him and would like to have a relationship with him. My brother who has hung out with us and could see that he liked me back thinks that maybe things went to fast and he started to like me to much to quick and gave himself cold feet but if I give him time and just come at him like friends then he’ll come back around and maybe something more can happen. So what do you guys think about it?

  2. @Chelsie…..Could you tell us how old you are? And how old he is? We’re guessing in your late teens/early 20s? Let us know. It will help us answer your question.

  3. We’re both 23 so good guess

  4. @Chelsie……It’s way too soon to know how this is going to turn out. He seems interested, but to what extent is hard to say. One suggestion: Try not to send him self-deprecating texts anymore. Example: “I thought you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.” Etc. It’s not quiet self-deprecating, but it sounds like you lack self-confidence. You don’t want to project that especially if it isn’t true. So the question is: Was his explantion of not being able to handle a relationship right now for real, or was it an excuse to let you down gently? We think that will be clear as time goes by. Give this some time, keep us posted, and feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Facebook, Twitter, etc. Thanks. @TGPBuzz

  5. Okay so I should wait awhile and hit him up again just without those kinds of comments alright thank you very much for your help and I will keep you posted and I’m sure have more questions later to. And I will share this site on Facebook.

  6. @Chelsie…..Yes. Of course ideally, he’d contact you. Yes, keep us posted. And thanks for sharing our site. We do appreciate it. Take care and good luck.

  7. Well I guess it was legit because he never wrote me back and he hasn’t got ahold of me either.

  8. @Chelsie…..Sorry. The only positive takeaway is that at least you know where you stand. Take care and keep in touch. Let us know how things are going and if we can help you in the future.

  9. Yea you have a good point. I know where I stand and recently someone from my past has come back into my life and I think that that is going really well

  10. @Chelsie……We’re glad to hear about that. We’re pulling for you. Keep in touch and let us know how things are going with you. Take care.

  11. Me and my hookup broke up and it’s been very awkward between us. So I texted him to break the ice and get our friendship back on track. And so when he saw me the next day he was the same as before.
    He totally ignored me today. Walked past me spoke my friend and not me. When went past him again he looked over and just smiled. Then came into my office and spoke to some of the guys and again ignored me.
    What’s he playing at? Day before touching sexual innuendos and total opposite. Why play mind games?
    We had a friend’s do yesterday and he came over and spoke to me about general things and then referred to the night we had sex and kept calling me a raccoon as I would scratch his back when we made out. I said you weren’t complaining. He asked how it was for me and I said can’t remember. He said was it that bad you don’t remember. I said no its cause its been a long time and he said I know. I said we were having a good time and you questioned it and he said he knows. He was teasing about my bum and so i told him he needed work on his bum and he said why? who do I need to impress? We had mingle so he hugged me and went over to talk to the others. He came over and was joking and we both laughed. He said he was cool and calm and started talking about coco butter cream and i said i needed a help the other day and he started laughing saying your getting me all bothered again. I said we better stop messing about as i would get kicked out and he said i wouldn’t let that happen to you!We started text chatting at the party and he was saying what he wanted to do and i said i dared him and told him you know where i am.When I was leaving the party he walked me out and started talking and flirting as nothing had happened. He gave me a tight hug and I told him I missed his hug and he said knows and held me tighter. I don’t understand what’s going on? I get the feeling his got very deep feelings and his fighting them as his not ready to commit. He ignored me one day and then yesterday he was the opposite. He was coming over to talk to me. Hugging me serval times and neither of us were drinking.

  12. I met a guy on line. Turns out we have a lot of people we know in common. We began talking on the phone and the first time was like 3 or 4 hours. He explained to me that he is in recovery so he needed a woman that could understand this. I am a counselor so I didn’t have a problem after he answered a few questions related to his issue. This set the pace, however, to a more intimate interaction than usual. I disclosed more than I usually do but it didn’t seem to matter since we hit it off. Next day or a couple of days later, not sure, we talked again. He told me that he doesn’t really like to talk on the phone but that he was really enjoying himself and that talking to me made him feel happy. We agreed to meet the next day and I suggested we should give each other a hug when we met to break the ice since we had been talking so much and meeting in person might be a bit awkward. We kept joking about not liking each other when we met and at one point we both agreed that we were way past that.
    When we met it was very natural. We went to a very nice restaurant and talked for many hours. Then we went for a walk, held hands, hugged. Then to a coffee shop until they kicked us out. He invited me to see one of his kids perform in a couple of weeks,etc. We talked in his car for a while (It was cold outside) Neither of us wanted it to end, I supposed, so I suggested to go to my house. Again, I felt comfortable because I knew his family. I told him about my work and the things I’m passionate about. He said that he had never talked to someone like me, that he had never experienced connecting with people the way I was describing, that I was bringing a new perspective into his life and that he was very touched by the way I was able to understand him. We kissed and we both enjoyed it. We kept saying that we were going to take things slow but he started testing the boundaries. At one point he placed himself on top of me and I felt him get hard so I slapped him on the but and I told him that didn’t look like taking thing slow to me. We talked some more and eventually he said he had to leave. Next morning I get an email from him saying that he was so touched by the way I was able to understand him that he forgot about other elements he needs in a romance. That he was sorry to say we were not a match and that he needed to tell me now. I asked him if we could talk about it and he didn’t respond to my text. My first assumption was “I didn’t give him a blow job!” So I decided to call his bluff and send him a text that said “If you can honestly say that you’re not attracted to me I’ll drop the issue right now but if you can’t then my house tonight so we can add what was missing last night, be prepared to spend the night or at least part of it. It took him a few hours but he finally responded that there wasn’t anything missing, he had a great time and that it was best if he didn’t come. Then I asked him if we shouldn’t at least talk about it. He agreed but he wasn’t available then. I replied to call me when it was convenient for him and he never did. I couldn’t sleep so I wrote him a long email to get it out of my system. It wasn’t rude, but I stated my disappointment in his choosing to let me know via email and not wanting to at least be friends. I mean, I really like the guy but I’m not head over heels about him. If we have good rapport, why not at least be friends.
    My questions are What are these elements of romance he’s talking about? I long to find someone that can truly see me and understand me. Here he finds it and he’s trowing it away! Why? And why not just talk to me?
    And the most important How do I get him back to talking to me?

  13. PS
    We’re both in our 40’s

  14. @Zara…..First of all, thanks for your donation. We do appreciate it. It’s hard to say exactly what he’s referring to when he says that he ignored other elements he needs in a romance. Since it seems the two of you connect on an emotional level we have to assume he means something physical, or possibly intellectual, but most likely physical. We’re just going on what we know about guys. (But you can correct us if we’re wrong.) Everything could seem perfect, but if something is missing in the physical realm for a guy he won’t want to press forward in a relationship. That doesn’t mean he won’t have sex, it just means the sex will only be sex, and won’t lead to anything else. And that’s where you need to be careful. Offering sex won’t necessarily change his mind about what he wants or needs in a relationship. And if he feels something isn’t right for him, it’s good he didn’t take you up on your offer. Many guys would have. So while he should have at least called you on the phone to talk about how he felt—rather than an email—we do give him some credit for trying not to lead you on further by coming over for sex. Question for you: Why do you want to be friends with this guy? Is it just to keep the lines of communication open so there’s potential for something to develop in the future? If so, we don’t think that’s a great idea in this case. We’re sorry, but we think it might be best to move on. This guy seems confused. And even if he does come back, he seems like he’s going to be a project. Is that what you want? You deserve to have a guy who’s as into you as you’re into him. Take care.

  15. @Emmy……Sorry this is confusing to you. To us it sounds like a guy who wants sex but not a relationship. It’s likely he’s horny again and that’s why he’s flirting and hugging you. The real test is how he treats you the day after the two of you have sex. Does he ignore you? FYI: If a guy is horny he’ll do or say anything to get sex. He’ll act nicer, be cool to your friends, flirt, compliment you, listen to you, do all the things that a boyfriend would do. But once the deed is done, then all of a sudden his hormones come crashing down. If he’s not really into you he’ll start to act distant and cool. That is, until his hormones build again. It’s a pattern. Is this what you see? That’s what you’re describing. Many women confuse this pattern with genuine feelings. They’re very different even if they look the same.

  16. As to sex I’ve only slept with him once. After sex he started opening up about his life to me. Told me things that he found hard to talk about. The next day the texts were the usual. He texts a lot anyway after we’d hang out. He’d tell me how much he likes my company and how well we get on. I have to tell him to go and spend family time or do something as he wants to see me. But since the sex he was a lot more attentive. He asked me how it was for me. And I replied back saying it was painful as its been over 11 yrs since I’ve had sex. He was texting me everyday. Then we had the talk. He asked how i felt and what I wanted. I told him a relationship but not with him. He said what are we? He then said he didn’t wanna hurt me and that he doesn’t want a relationship. Since the talk it was pretty awkward between us. But I texted him to break the ice as I missed his friendship. Since then he keeps tickling me touch the back of my neck making sexual innuendos to me. If I’m talking to a guy he won’t come over to talk yet if I’m talking to a girl or on my own he’ll come over and said. He’s body language is defensive ( crossed arms legs spread apart pointing in my direction) he ignores me if there’s a guy with me. He won’t talk or make eye contact. Confusing like hell. I’ve been straight forward. Nothing has changed with me.

  17. Sorry guys I forgot to say I’m very guarded about myself. I don’t tell him much about myself. Where’s as he does. The only thing he found out about was that I went on a date and he confronted me about it. Why? I’m not his girlfriend. I found it cheeky too as I knew he had a booty call just before we were hanging out. So i asked him about it and he was shocked that I knew. I told him I’d known for a while but it’s not my place to ask! He said if you go on anymore dates you must tell me. Why? Not his business. He didn’t tell me about his booty call.

  18. Whether its having a making out session or having sex (only once) the next day he’ll hug me talk to me as normal. He flirts like normal. We had a chat a week after sex.

  19. I have many reasons to want to be friends with him. Let me see if I can make sense to you. I’ve been dating for about 4 years. When I came out of my divorce I didn’t have any friends. During this 4 years I have created a close network of really good people. All of my males friends started out as dates. Most of my female friends I met through them. Not all of my dates end up in friendship, it takes a very particular type of interaction for me to offer to be someones friend. This guy was honest and really trying. Yes, he’s confused but so was I at one point of my life. We have many things in common and we make each other laugh. We are both looking for a kayaking buddy. So why not? It’s clear to me that the romantic factor is out simply because he was expecting me to be more passionate and I just don’t go there on the first date. I showed my interest and we kissed with intention but I wasn’t about to rip his clothes of and make passionate love. I don’t think I’m wrong to think like this, am I?
    When I offered him to come to my house the next day I was simply trying to figure out if that had been the reason he sent me the email. When he declined it was clear to me that he had made up his mind and for him it was a done deal. Had he given it time that passion he longs for would’ve been there. I’m 45 years old. I know what I’m capable of.
    Maybe he wasn’t attracted to me from the get go but he liked me enough to try to make himself attracted. I believe attraction is out of our control so I wouldn’t take offense if that was the case.
    At the end, what still hurts is that we both found something precious in each other and it was that ability to really trust another person and how easy it was for me to get him. I showed him a perspective of the world he had never experienced and made him think differently( his words) yet, he avoids me and chooses to end all communication. Why?
    If I was him I would want to remain in contact with this person that made me feel happy and alive even if it wasn’t in a romantic way.
    In my eyes he’s acting like he feels ashamed or embarrassed after doing something bad when in reality I believe, like you guys, that his actions were very noble and congruent to the character I believe he has.
    My theory is that he hasn’t dated that much as an adult and he’s stuck in the world of shallow, intense relationships. Along comes a significant one and he doesn’t know how to interpret it and fails to see how valuable it is. Also, he mentioned that years ago he dated this woman for about 5 months because he was lonely and she ended up falling in love with him. The way he told this story made me believe that he carries a lot of guilt about it.
    Over all, yea, I agree that he might be a project but not mine. I’m very good at keeping my boundaries. I’d like to push for friendship based on the qualities he has and the commonalities that we share. Ok. And because I believe he will benefit from having a friend. Men underestimate how important this is!
    Two years ago I was in a similar situation. Today that man and I are very close and he’s my movie buddy. Why not, then, pursue the kayak bond?
    Problem is, I don’t know how to approach it since he doesn’t go out that much to places I could run into him at.
    So even if you think it’s a bad idea. How do I go about it?

    *Let me add that I am an attractive, professional, self assured woman so this is not the case of finding my self-worth through men. I have no family. Hence the reason why friends are so important to me!

    Thanks!

  20. Guys, I meant to make a donation last night after I read you’re first response but it keeps saying your link is broken. I hope this is not what is keeping you from replying to my second comment. Please let me know if it’s something on your end. If not, I’ll keep trying on mine. Of course I’ll make a donation every time I get advise! You guys have been very helpful in the past I want to keep you around! 🙂

  21. Ha! Paypal finally worked! The mishap was on my end. Thank you so much for your presence on the web!

  22. @Zara…..Yes, we’ve had a problem with our site until just now. Thanks for your donations and support! Clearly, you’re a very confident and articulate woman. And your explanation makes a lot of sense. We can see why you’d want to stay friends with this man. We were just worried that you had another agenda in mind. (You understand of course.) The issue lies with him. You’ve nailed it. He seems immature in the ways of relationships, or at least, inexperienced. We agree with you that friendships are undervalued especially between man and woman. Some people just can’t handle this. They feel the very nature of any sort of relationship between man and woman inherently is sexual. So if you’re going to proceed forward you first need to convince him that you have no ulterior motives. Initially giving him space might help with this. But understand that if he’s not open to this it won’t matter what you do. After some breathing room, why not reach out to him and see if you can have coffee or tea together. And just talk. Try to reconnect and remind each other what you found so exciting in the other person. If you get this spark going, it’s possible a friendship might ensue. But don’t take it personally if it doesn’t happen. This is about him. We’d hate to even guess what’s going on with him. Guilt is possible. Insecurity. It could be he’s not attracted to you, and thus feels guilty and strange about it. It could be he thinks you’re trying to get him back and feels he needs to put up a wall. It could be that he just wants a simple life and that being friends with you is too “complicated” for him. Most likely it’s a combination of all of these things. Like we said, a project. We’re sorry. Sometimes we don’t get satisfactory explanations, and we need to move on with that empty, uneasy feeling. Hopefully, this won’t play out that way. But prepare yourself.

  23. Thanks again guys! How many of you are there anyway? You always seem so right on target. WAY better than the many “Dear Abbie” columns out there. I think I’ll leave it up to destiny. If we end up running into each other I’ll take it from there. Keep up the good work. It might seem shallow for many but I truly believe that you are contributing to improve lives and therefor making this a healthier world.

  24. @Zara…..Thank you for your kind words. And you’re welcome. Glad we could help a little. Take care.

  25. His turned around and asked me if I’ve been or seen someone else. He asked me to pop down. Why? Recently there’s been a lot of interest from other men which know me and his seen them flirting with me.

  26. @Emmy…..Guys are territorial. They don’t want to share their woman with anyone. Even if they’re broken up. We know, crazy.

  27. Thank you for that. Today he spent most of the day sitting with me talking as thou nothing had happened. He keeps asking me to come over. I’m a little confused as to his behavior. Only a month ago he felt confused and asked me how I felt? And what I wanted? Now his asking me to come over to hang out. How do I see it? He gets very jealous when other men speak to me. In front of them he gave me a hug and leaned in to kiss me in front of everyone. Why?

  28. @Emmy….We said. Guys are territorial, even if they’ve broken up with a woman. He wants sex from you and doesn’t want anyone else to have sex with you. But that doesn’t mean he wants a relationship. Guys can compartmentalize sex and love.

  29. I am 59yr female/met 56yr male 7 months ago in my home state. Saw each other twice/Made love 2nd time. Got along so well/have same sense of humor, personality etc. Have contacted each other through e-mail/ph/text all this time. He sent cd of him singing to me/ gives me compliments all the time i do the same to him. Some red flags-didn’t contact on weekends/evenings/no return address on cd he sent/i questioned him/he did step it up with calling at different times/he always indicated he would be down in April 2013.Had some sexting but mostly getting to know each other. Always laughing and very positive conversations discussed everything. A month ago I suggested meeting half way in june or july-just threw it out there. This was on phone and he agreed. Since then nothing no communication from him. I texted a few times/left a phone message/ I e-mailed last week stating how disappointed i was and how I did not see this coming etc. He seemed so real and sincere. Any take on this? I am new to this after divorced 35 years of marriage–he has been married 3 times. but why would he put on this charade for 7 months?? Did he play me this whole time?? Thank you..i did donate to pay pal if you need confirmation number.

  30. @Confused…….Could you provide a little more information? How did you meet? How close do you live to each other? How often did you communicate weekly? When did he last get divorced? Any kids involved? Thanks. It will help us answer more thoroughly.

  31. confused // April 22, 2013 at 1:57 pm //

    To answer your question…We met at a bar–he was with a male friend and they were going to key west and be back in 3 days..he texted me on his way back to confirm the next outing. We live 1100 miles away. We both have grown children–his son and grandson live with him and i know he would prefer they live on their own. He got divorced over 3 years ago and the reason was his/her children being treated differently.we had some type of communication every week but in the last few months it was more..his mother passed away in feb/she was living in a nursing home and he would visit a lot…sounded like a very caring and loving son.he often called on his way to see her. I truly thought he was interested in me but don’t want to sound like some love-struck young person! His actions and words indicated he did. thank you again

  32. @Confused……Okay, thanks. Our sense is, he got a bit carried away with his emotions, and then realized things were progressing faster than he wanted them to—emotionally at least from your end—and so he pulled back. The distance doesn’t help. Beginning a relationship with 1100 miles separating the two of you is very difficult. Not insurmountable, but difficult. Both of you would have to be 100% committed to making it work, which means, making some serious life changes. It doesn’t seem like he’s ready to do this. Also, it’s likely after 3 divorces, and being the age that he is, that he wants to just be free to do whatever he pleases. Lots of guys are like this in similar situations. We have no doubt he cares about you, and enjoyed spending time with you, but it doesn’t seem like he’s as committed to making this work as you seem to be. We’re sorry. This is hard. But we don’t get the sense he was playing you. But he was careless with his actions and your feelings. He proceeded forward as if he was some 20 year old, not taking into consideration the repercussions of his actions. Is it possible he just didn’t know how he felt and what he wanted? Sure. He’s got the track record for this kind of confusion. Three divorces. Also, sometimes guys don’t really know how they feel until after they have sex with a woman. We don’t mean if the sex isn’t good they bail, we just mean that sex seems to be the first real test. Because up until that point it’s all about the chase which is very hot and exciting. Once the initial chase is over a guy will decide if he wants to continue pursuing it because it often gets more serious then. If that makes sense. Thoughts? Questions? Ask away.

  33. confused // April 22, 2013 at 2:57 pm //

    I appreciate your quick response! There is so much to this story! He does own a home about 2 hrs from me and had said that he sees himself living in Florida at some point. I agree with a lot of what you are saying..Do you think he has a girlfriend now? With the red flags I pointed out I believe he may although I had asked him and he always said no. Was I too quick to ask to meet? We have been carrying on for 7 months. And lets face it we are not so young! And the sex was amazing…There was no doubt that was real…I normally don’t do that so quickly but I do not regret it and he was a perfect gentleman. We actually cuddled and kissed for hours before anything else was done! I do so thank you for this insight from you.

  34. @Confused……We don’t get the sense he has a girlfriend, but we wouldn’t be surprised if there are other women in his life. Once again, that doesn’t necessarily diminish the connection you have, but more reinforce the fact that he doesn’t want to be tied down at the moment. We’re not sure what you mean when you say, ‘Was I too quick to ask to meet?’ Didn’t you two already meet up twice? Sorry we’re confused.

  35. confused // April 23, 2013 at 7:53 am //

    We met in person twice while he was vacationing in fl. I met him on the day he got to Fl and he left for a pre-planned trip to Key West and came back on Thur and we met again that day and he left for home on Fri. Then we started the LDR or correspondence via text, e-mail and phone. With the inter-action we had I thought it was ok to suggest a meeting!

  36. @Confused…..You absolutely were. Don’t second guess your actions. You followed your heart and feelings. Nothing wrong with that. Makes sense to us.

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