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Some recent questions:
I have two dilemmas.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.
Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.
Am I just wasting my time with this guy??
Thanks for your question.
So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.
Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.
Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.
We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.
If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.
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