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Where is this relationship going?

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Some recent questions:

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High school dating to college long distance relationship

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

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Dear Guys,

I have two dilemmas.

1st Dilemma.
I’ve been hanging out with a guy for a couple months now. We both have busy and somewhat opposite schedules, so we end up hanging out late at night or at the end/beginning of our shifts.We see each other once, maybe twice tops a week. We’ve gone on dates and hooked up but have never spent the night at each other’s places. It could be 3 am but he will always go home or drive me home because he has to work early, which I understand. (Usually people in a relationship  just sleep over.) When I date someone I am used to talking to them regularly and having a normal routine so to speak. We don’t.

2nd Dilemma:
I am really bad at communicating my feelings face-to-face and tend to bottle them in my head and I get easily frustrated and can get crazy girl mode on him. I feel badly because he always gives me the opportunity to express myself when we’re together but I freeze up and can never think of what I want to say on the spot.

Please help me get over this “relationship” & “communication” anxiety.

Am I just wasting my time with this guy??

Janice

Dear Janice,

Thanks for your question.

So when you say you freeze up, is this after he expresses how he feels about you? Or do you want to tell him how you feel but are afraid to because you’re not sure how he feels? The two are very different.

Lots of people are scared about communicating their feelings. It’s normal. So don’t be so hard on yourself. If he was continually telling you he cares for you, we can’t see any reason you wouldn’t tell him how you feel about him. But if he’s being closed, and not communicating his feelings, it totally makes sense for you to be bottled up and not want to reveal your true feelings. Sometimes that feeling of anxiety has more to do with the overall situation than it has to do with the individuals involved. And in your case, we think the uncertainty of the relationship is contributing to your anxiety.

Here’s your real dilemma: One of you is going to have to take the risk and talk about this. Otherwise you’re going to be in this perpetual state of limbo, where you see each other late at night, hook up, but never see the light of day together like “normal” couples do. We understand your work schedules don’t jive, but if this goes on the way it’s going, what you’re really describing is a booty call situation, where he’s kind of getting what he wants, but you’re not. And we’re pretty sure that’s not what you’re looking for with this man.

We don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to bring up the topic. You don’t necessarily have to reveal how you feel if you’re not comfortable doing that, but you could make a joke and ask him if you’re ever going to see him during the day, and maybe go out on a proper date. It’s possibly he just needs some prompting in order for him to move forward.

If it turns out he’s not interested in anything more than what’s going on now, at least you’ll have all the information you need in order to make an informed decision about what you ultimately want.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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2 Comments on Where is this relationship going?

  1. Hi guys,

    I am really helpless so I decided to post up a question hoping to get a reply asap.

    I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago, we have many issues especially his insecurity, is definitely a major one. He controls me but I really love him. All the time he say he is afraid of losing me which is why he is behaving this way. He doesn’t allow me to be on social networking for instant even if he allows, I only can add female users. He don’t allow me to talk to guys and so on. I can understand why is he this way because he is someone who only hangs out with his group of guy buddies and hardly mix with girls but I think he should learn to relax and have faith in me. I have issues too I must say, I have bad temper but only during arguments like I tend to reject his calls, refused to reply his messages, walking him out etc. I am that sort who doesn’t like to talk and want some peace when I am angry. Yes, I feel bad having him to chase me and look for me and so on but sometime he argue with me over things that is not within my control for instant, having male classmates. But I can’t choose my classmates isn’t it.
    My boyfriend told me he has insecurity issues because of my past, I hang out with bikers 3-4years ago, I had quite a few guy friends, but I swear they are just merely friends most of them are my close buddies. My boyfriend just does not have faith in me.

    So I mentioned break up, because such situation has been going on for nearly 7months. I told him we can’t do this anymore, too much tears and pain, his insecurity is not within control. At first he refused to and we didn’t break up but the next day he agree to what I say and ya.. But he seriously needs to change, at the same time he claims that I need to change too. I don’t know what is wrong, I have been stop contacting with any male species other than my dad. But one thing is, my boyfriend and I truly love each other. We teared when we broke up. He agree with me that we need to move on from this. Everything is so heart-wrenching. He claims that he want to be good friends with me, he wants me to be in his life he still love me a lot. Does it mean he is uncertain about his decision of breaking up? He even asked can he still hug me whenever he sees me. Also, actually this isn’t the first time we broke up, the previous time we had a similar situation (This time round is slightly worst) but we got back together after a nearly 3 weeks of seperation yet we didn’t manage to talk our problems out and just have the ‘forget it’ mindset. Problems are not being solved. I am his first love by the way. I am so lost and confused. How to salvage everything?

    I want us back, at the same time I want to help him to improve.
    Relationship is about helping one another to grow isn’t it?

    Thank you!

  2. @Lost….We answered on: What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

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