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Why did he cry when he’s the one breaking up?

More relationship advice about Breaking Up/Dealing with ex boyfriends and girlfriends:

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Not over his ex; should I leave now or give it a chance? 

Is my ex-boyfriend still into me?

Fraternity Boy: Does my ex still love me? 

Getting back together; is it possible?

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Dear Guys,

I met this guy a year ago on a business event. However, we live in different countries about three hours flight away. But since he traveled to my country for work occasionally, I would see him. He spent almost seven months pursuing me. (He flew to my country to spend his birthday with me. And last Sept he flew in again to celebrate my birthday. I was touched).

For those seven months he flew almost every two weeks to visit me, or if I was in nearby cities for business trips he would fly there to see me. I would say I was happy being with him and he doted on me. We had a great time together every time we met.

However things started to change when he was facing some issues in his career. Many things happened in his company and he became very stressed. Then he was away for two months from last December, but he flew to see me before his long trip of visiting his family in Xmas and work meetings in the US. During his absence he kept in contact with me every day by text messages, sending me pics, or calling me sometimes. I completely left him alone to enjoy his free time and holiday. It was mostly him contacting me every day.

Two weeks ago he finished his trip and he flew to see me immediately. When I saw him I noticed he was not happy. We then had a conversation and he told me all his issues about work and why is he stressed. He cannot find any satisfaction in his current career anymore and he may have a chance to move to other company. He’s totally lost. The first time I saw all the sorrows on his face I tried to comfort him. Then suddenly he told me he would like to be alone that night and it was fine with me as I understood he wasn’t in any romantic mood; I left him alone.

Next day we met for lunch and I felt something was wrong. I was right. Out of the blue he told me that he can’t be in a relationship now. He said he’s not in any romantic mood and it’s unfair for him to drag me into this as he wants me to be happy. I didn’t say anything as I tried to be calm and listen to his concerns. Then he started to cry. He said his biggest concern is causing me to be unhappy. He said he feels sick and his stomach hurts thinking of that. He told me how incredible and beautiful I am and he said he is not happy with himself and he won’t be able to make me happy. And he wants me to be happy. He said I deserve happiness which he is lacking it right now. He needs to figure out his work situation.

I was very calm and of course I cried too when I saw him cry. But he cried more than I did. Then we had a very long conversation, not about our relationship but instead about his own issues and what makes him unhappy in general. I was very patient and attentive. He told me everything and was very open and honest with me. He then said he feel much better after our chat and he appreciated very much my help and understanding. He said he doesn’t want to lose me in his life as a friend and asked me if I was planning on disappearing from his life. I told him I will be here to support him. (I didn’t tell him regardless how hard it is to me as my heart aches, but how can I say no to him?)

Guys, why does he want to break up with me when it’s clearly difficult and hurts himself and me? Why doesn’t he want me to go through this difficult time with him instead of letting me go? I would love to share his ups and downs and I want to be next to him and support him. I understand he doesn’t know where is he going in the future, but distance never seemed to be an issue for us from the very beginning.

What do you guys think I should do and what’s the possibility of both of us getting back together? I have not been in contact with him since that day because I know space is what he needs right now. I would appreciate it if you can give me some insights to what’s going on. My heart aches but I am leaving him alone for good….

Thanks guys,

Evol

Dear Evol,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry your heart is aching so much right now. It sounds like this guy really cares about you, which is why he was crying even though he was breaking up. We’ll try and explain.

In general, a guy’s ego is closely linked to his career. And even though these days some men are choosing to spend more time at home with their kids, most men still connect their self-worth with their ability to provide, which means their job is very important to them. So, when your guy says he’s lost and doesn’t want to drag you into it, he’s not lying. He definitely seems like the kind of guy that needs to have all his ducks in a row when it comes to his job.

If you were  going through a career crisis you might look to your friends, your family, and your boyfriend to support you. But most guys handle this type of situation differently than women. They isolate themselves and try to figure it out on their own. They either feel guilty because they no longer are bringing home the type of money they were, angry because they were mistreated at work, or worthless because they don’t know what to do. And some guys feel all of the above. Your guy doesn’t want to lean on you because he doesn’t want to show weakness to you. He wants you to think of him as strong and successful. We know you don’t care about all of that and you love him how he is, but that doesn’t change the way he feels inside.

The best that you can do right now is be a sounding board if he calls you and wants to talk. Let him know that you will support him if he needs support. But pushing the relationship right now might not be the best plan. He wants space.

However, having said all that, the way he’s handled this should at least make you pause and question how reliable he might be in a long term relationship. Even if he comes back after he solves his current career situation, can you really trust a guy that breaks up with you when the going gets tough? Yes, guys like to isolate themselves to solve problems but that doesn’t mean they actually break up with their woman. That poses another question. What’s the real reason for the break up? Is it because of his job situation or is it something else? That’s the question you need to figure out. Unfortunately you’re going to have to wait for a bit before you get that answer.

We do think at some point he’s going to want to talk about everything, and explain more about what’s been going on with him. And that would be a good time for you to tell him how you’ve been feeling and what you need from him as a partner. Remember, your relationship should be a two way street where you’re both giving and both receiving.

We hope this works out for you. Leave us a follow up comment and/or question. We’ll respond in comments section as well.

THE GUYS

ps. Let your friends know about us. Thanks!

 

43 Comments on Why did he cry when he’s the one breaking up?

  1. Dear Guys,

    my boyfriend of 9 months ended things the other day. His concern was that we were compatible 99% of the time but that 1% was a key factor for him as he felt we were some what different in some aspects such as i am more of the type that wants to get to the point of the concentration when him he needs time to express his thoughts and feels that he was not able to do that even though i listened etc ( things like that). Now i now he was in to me and that he was in love with me ( he said it)…which is a great step for him as he has never been in a relationship before ( he has had many flings)… but never a relationship ( he never wanted to emotionally bond himself in the past as he thought that would be to complicated and unnecessary for him). We where very open all the time and truthful, we had lots of fun and things where good. So i am not sure what happened… he said being in love with me was not enough for him… even though we have the same interests and basically a lot in common. he cried, i cried and i am still not sure why he ran away…Please explain…

  2. @Iv….We’re really sorry. We hope you’re hanging in there. As per your question. Most likely he’s not telling you something, probably because he cares about you and doesn’t want to hurt you more than he already has. We can’t say what he’s withholding but it’s something. It could be that he’s just not into you enough as he wanted to be. It could be that he loves you but is not in love with you.(Even if he says it) It could be that he’s found someone else he wants to have a fling with. It could be that he’s not ready to be in a serious relationship. It could be a combination of reasons. Most likely, you’ll never know the real reason, and that’s how breakups go. One person is left wondering what happened. We’re truly sorry. Let us know if you have any other questions/thoughts. ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about our site. Thanks.

  3. My bf and I broke up two weeks ago. Friends of his told me alot of things that weren’t exactly true about him. I was completely taken aback and ended things. He didn’t deny anything, told me I would be better without him. That he isn’t good for anyone. Well he has been having financial issues, job stress and money problems. Which I don’t necessarily worry about whether or not a man has money, it isn’t one of my priorities. But I could tell it was bothering him. Now two weeks later, he was texting me, I guess feeling me out. He told me everything was not what I was told, that he just couldn’t deal with things at the moment, and felt like he was being attacked from every angle of life, and didn’t want to drag me down. But that he missed me, and has never felt as lonely as he does every night since I ended things. He admitted that money is directly responsible for alot of what he is feeling, and his past relationship with his ex and her cheating. That he’s had issues since. But that he looks at the other side of his bed, and thinks of it as mine. Well I came over and we platonically slept together, he told me all of this and really bared his soul.. We spent the next morning just spending time together until he went to work. He disclosed again how much financial stress he’s been under, and wants to be the one to take me out. To spoil me. During our talks, he said he doesn’t know what he wants, but he knows he wants me. That’s he’s only wanted me. All night he held, squeezing me tightly, kissing me repeatedly, as if he were afraid I’d disappear. It actually made me shed a few unseen tears. It was more emotion than I’ve ever seen from him. He said he wears a mask, that he is scared of showing emotion, but he did that night. I’ve been dating in the two weeks since we broke up, trying to move on and forget him. I told him so, and after I told him I’d give him another chance, he asked if I’d still be dating. I asked him if he wanted me to, he said I don’t want to hold you back or tell you what to do. I told him no, be completely effing honest with yourself, Do you want me dating other people? He looked at me and said no, very gruffly, no I don’t want you seeing anyone else. So I said, good then I won’t. Well after working the next day, he asked to spend the evening with me, I have my daughter and said I could not leave, but told him he could come see me if he wanted to. He has never been to my place, but he actually jumped right at the idea, and came over. I honestly thought it would be about sex. But no, all night he just held me. Almost immediately falling asleep when he wrapped his arms around me, and stayed wrapped around me all night. When I got up this morning, I asked about the lack of sex, if he had been uncomfortable with being in my home, with my daughter there, or was there another reason. He pulled me into his arms and told me that he honestly had just wanted to see, spend time with me, hold me. Just be with me. To which I replied, oh then that’s great, and he said now don’t get all mushy now, which then had me laughing. He stayed until I left for work, kissed me “good morning/good bye” and told me how happy he was he came over. I guess I just want a man decoder now, to sort through all of this. I want this man, I have told him that yes, I do want him. But I have my life together and don’t need him, I want him, and if I’m completely honest, I love him with all of his imperfections, I just don’t want to be played. And can’t tell if he is doing so. Help???

  4. @Bethany…..We don’t get the sense that he’s playing you. In fact, he seems quite smitten with you. That said, he also doesn’t seem like he has his shit together. (From your words) But the good news is, he’s self-aware, and wants to get his life together. Since you don’t need him, but want him, we’d suggest that you just take it real slow, let him lead, see if he’s consistent with his behavior. If you’re worried, that’s what you might look for. Inconsistencies. Up and down. Mood swings. One days he’s busy, the next he’s not. One days he’s loving, the next day he’s standoffish. You get the point. But at this point, it’s too early to tell. You’ll just have to take it a day at a time.

  5. Dear guys,

    My boyfriend and I broke up really recently and we had been going out for almost two years now…
    When we first started dating he told me that he’d always wanted to leave his home town, and that after two years of being in university he’d like to leave.
    During those two years we had our ups and downs each of use going through self doubt and in my case a personal loss. Though it got tough, we always managed to figure it out and keep going.
    Despite that, about a year of dating, he was no longer acting like himself. He said that he was feeling like he didn’t want to be in his hometown anymore, that he felt depressed and said that he didn’t like how he wasn’t happy even though he had everything he wanted: all of his family, a loving girlfriend, amazing friends, etc.
    4 months passed of this and we decided to take a break for a month. We contacted each other each day through texting and then once that month was up he asked me to meet him and told me that he had realized that he wanted me.
    While all this was going on, he had applied to another university (on the opposite end of the country) and received an acceptance letter.
    Trying to be as supportive as I could, I told him that I though it would be a great idea for him to go study there, because he would no longer feel like badly about himself. And though he would have to leave me behind, we could still call, text, FaceTime each other and visit- everything to keep in contact.
    The two days before he was supposed to leave, I was moving into a new place in the hometown and he came along and he seemed distant. It thought it was just him being nervous about leaving and it would pass. However he kept his distance.
    Later that night, we are siting outside the new place, in his car and he starts to cry. He starts saying all theses things like, he’s never cared or loved for someone as much as he has for me and the he said that it he didn’t want to to have me wait for a year until he came back. Because he was scared that something would make me happier the he did. (In the past I had never given reason to doubt our relationship. I did everything I could to be a great girlfriend)
    Finally we ended up hugging it out and he gave me kisses on the forehead.
    The next day he asks to drop by to drop off something of mine that I had had kept at his place for the summer until I found a place. And the same intimate actions happened as when we were breaking up and then on the day of his departure he sought me out and said one last fair well, with the same tight hug and kisses on the forehead.
    (The night before his departure, we talked about not breaking up but taking a break: not seeing any body just seeing how we felt still talking to each other and what not.)

    What do you guys think I should do? Should I move on and consider it to be a break up? Is there any chance of us getting back together?

    Thanks guys!

  6. @Leah…..We’re sorry. This sounds hard. What is your gut telling you? Do you think he’ll want to get back together? From what you describe, and from our experience, it sounds like he wanted to start fresh in all aspects of his life; he needed a makeover, a change, and part of that change is breaking up with you. Once a person makes this sort of break, they typically don’t go back. But of course, we don’t know him personally, so we can’t give you a definitive answer as to what he’s thinking. We are sorry. What do your friends say?

  7. Hey guys.
    So my boyfriend and I broke up a few nights ago because he went to the doctors a few months ago, found out he had a low blood count, and that could lead to memory loss and/or dementia. He is afraid that if we were to stay together, we would create memories (especially significant ones) and that he would forget all of them. And he is so afraid of hurting me if he loses his memory. I had told him so many times that I would support him through anything and everything, and I need him to see that I will love him through it no matter what.
    But he was too afraid of hurting me, and afraid of the future if he was to lose his memory.
    We still love each other and he couldn’t stop crying, i did too, but his eyes were bloodshot from crying. It was so hard to see. He kept saying he was so so sorry. We held each other last night and just cried, and I said to him how unfair it is for us that this has come between us, and how unfair it is on him that this is happening to him. We’re still very close and we still talk friendly. In tears he kept asking me to please not hate him…. 🙁

    I just need to know what you guys think is running through his mind, how he’s feeling, and I truly need to know if you think we could end up back together. Because please keep in mind that this isn’t like any other usual breakup- over fighting, cheating, just not working out, etc- it’s not like that. Its about him POSSIBLY losing his memory. (The doctor did not say it is definite.)
    I just wish I could help him and support him through this, but he really doesn’t want to hurt me.
    We still love each other, as I said before, so I just want more than anything to work this out.
    Please help me 🙁

    TIA.

  8. @TIA…..This sounds really hard. We’re sorry. We need a little more information to be able to respond. Tell us more about your boyfriend. How old is he? Does his family have a history of dementia or memory loss? Can you tell us more about his physical state? (Please only share if you feel comfortable doing so.) We’re just trying to understand why he felt the need to break things off. It just seems to us that his breakup is a bit premature. Could there be something else going on that you’re not aware of? (Sorry, but it’s important to ask all questions if you really want to understand what’s going on.)

  9. Heartbroken // September 1, 2016 at 9:49 am //

    Hi guys,
    ——– Original Message ——–
    Subject: TGP Contact Form – General Question: Is this really the end???
    From: WordPress
    Date: Thu, September 01, 2016 6:12 am
    To: advice@theguysperspective.com

    From: Heartbroken
    Subject: Is this really the end???

    Message Body:
    Hi guys,
    Me and my boyfriend of 3 and a half years broke up 2 days ago. We lived together for 2 of these years but spent a lot of time apart due to his job. We were living away from both of our families but I felt this more as I was having a really hard time finding a job and making friends. I know that I depended upon him a lot for company and attention as I had no life outside of him. As time went on I started to feel neglected by him and that he didn’t make enough time for me while he was away working. He absolutely loves his job, it’s what he’s always wanted to do, and he’s having a great life at the moment. So I tried numerous times to explain how I felt but the more times it came up, the angrier and more defensive he would get and the bigger the arguments got. This then meant that he didn’t want to interact with me while away as he knew it would be negative and end up in arguements – this then lead to me trying to be upbeat and positive when we did chat but as soon as he was too busy to talk to me again I would end up having another “pop” at him again. This went on for several months until one day he snapped and said he couldn’t take it anymore. I stayed in our home as I had a job (that I hated) and he said there was no rush for me to leave as I had notice to give etc. After a couple of days and a lot of crying and apologising on my part he agreed we could give things one more try…. but that the next time we have a disagreement/words that that would be it for us. I agreed to make more effort with my issues and I thought he was going to do the same…. We were fine for 2 months, he was still not making the effort I wanted with keeping in touch while he worked away but I let it go to keep things pleasant. Then the last week he was away I had barely any contact, he said he would make calls and he didn’t because he was ‘out having a good time and didn’t want to pull himself away’ as well as working late shifts and being delayed too much. By this time I needed to say something so tried to do it in a calm way and explain how it was hurtful to me…. It then developed into a slight arguement (that’s the best way I can describe it) and a couple of days later he was being really distant from me. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he’s been trying but couldn’t do it anymore – basically he didn’t think he loved me anymore. I know he’s still physically attracted to me, so that’s not an issue…. What I want to know is does he really not love me anymore or does he just need some time and space? When I left to go back home with some of my things it was really emotional and I could see that it was affecting him. When it came for the time for me to leave he pulled me in for a cuddle and he was crying and said he was sorry. We were both holding each other tight for a good 30 seconds until he then pushed me away (not horribly) and said ‘come on’ and gestured me out of the door. I really do love him with all my heart and desperately want him back. I know I didn’t always find life with him easy as I never managed to make much of a life for myself but I was working on it and had goals I had set myself at the point we broke up. I have seen the error of my ways and know I didn’t give him the attention and positive feelings that I should have. Instead I spent most of my time complaining to him about what he wasn’t giving me and making him believe that he was unable to make me happy and that I’d be better off back at home with my family. Do you think there’s any way back for us and if so, how do I go about this? We are currently living a 3 hour drive from each other and I still have a lot of my belongings in the house we shared that he still lives in.
    Hope you can help…..

  10. @Heartbroken……We’re sorry. This sounds really difficult. Hang in there. As per your question. It seems that you’re taking on a lot of the blame here, but we think you’re being unfair to yourself. We know you love him still and very much want to reconcile, but in order to do that you need to see the relationship for what it was. Part of your insecurity and neediness stemmed from his lack of attention and inability to process with you. It’s obvious you didn’t feel listened to and that’s why you kept bringing it back up. Now, we’re not blaming him either, we’re just illustrating that it usually takes two people to create an issue and that’s what happened here. The question is: Why did he have such a hard time with your talking about your feelings? And this is something you need to try to figure out. Was it because you went overboard with your neediness? Was it because he’s not built that way and talking about feelings is not his thing? Or was it because he doesn’t care enough? What do you think? (And as far as attraction. That’s a separate entity than love. Don’t confuse that.) Meaning, just because he still might want to have sex with you doesn’t mean he wants to jump back into the relationship. So where do things stand right now? Have you spoken to him? Has he reached out at all to you? (Just curious: How old is he? You?)

  11. Heartbroken // September 2, 2016 at 8:25 am //

    Hi guys,

    I believe a lot of the issue is down to his current job. The job he has now and has been doing for the last 18 months takes him away a lot more that his previous job and also comes with a built in social life as he spends his away days in hotels in different countries with other work members and they all eat together and go out for drinks and things afterwords. So when he does often do video calls with me he is often pre-occupied with sorting out things for work, like paperwork etc…. He is a Pilot, which is why he spends so much time away and often works odd hours.
    It seems that since he has gotten more into this job and gotten to know the people, the less time he seems to have for me – which is hard as I have been struggling so much to find my own life.
    Another thing I should probably mention is that when we met I was living in my home town with family and friends and had a good job. When he got his big break in his career I gave it all up to be with him as I didn’t want a long distance relationship and in some ways I guess you could say that I felt it was unfair that his life seems perfect and has flourished since we met and mine has just become more difficult – more so since his current job.

    He isn’t the best at opening up and showing or talking about his feelings and tended to shut down a lot when I tried.
    But I do feel that it was my ‘nagging’ about him not having enough time for me that got to him and just wore him down to the point where he was unable to carry on with the relationship. I’m pretty sure he cares for me and I know he hates to see me hurting. I believe he feels that he is not able to make me happy because of the career choices he has made and he feels guilty – even though I have told him before that it has been my choice to stay with him through it all and that I wouldn’t have if I didn’t want to.

    He is 29 and I am 31, so we are both that much older and have had previous long term relationships.

    We exchanged a couple of text messages on the night that I left as he told me to let him know when I got back to my parents house.
    I text him to say that I was back and hope he was ok, and he responded with ‘that’s good. Hope you are ok!’ And we exchanged a couple more messages where he would answer my questions (just about general things, not about the relationship/breakup) but didn’t try to keep the conversation going. Since then I have resisted any contact….. It has only been 3 days though.

    I just feel so lost without him!

  12. @Heartbroken…..Okay, we understand the situation a little better now. It’s a tough dynamic for both of you. It’s a big sacrifice for you to give everything up AND it’s a lot of pressure on him to help you transition, and to make you feel like your sacrifice was worth it. Tough stuff. (We’re going to be honest here, but know it comes from a supportive place. We’re just trying to help.) So what about his job….What you’re not seeing is that he should have known how you might feel. Sure, maybe he did a little and expressed it to you, but he did not read the room correctly, or didn’t care enough to. Think about it. He should have known how much you sacrificed to be with him. And that you prioritized the relationship and him over everything else in your life. If he wasn’t willing to do the same maybe he shouldn’t have agreed to it. Or maybe he thought he could do it, and then realized he really just wanted to prioritize his job. From our perspective it seems a bit selfish, but at the very least, highly insensitive, and unaware. Which begs the question: Is it possible he realized he didn’t want what you wanted but then it was too late once you had moved? And the other question you need to ask yourself: Do you want to be with a guy who prioritizes his job over you and the relationship? It’s true that guys tend to see their self-worth in conjunction with their career, but if you think this is all of a sudden going to change because you’re more patient and understanding, you’re going to be in for a disappointment. We’re sure he cares about you and doesn’t want you to feel sad, but he’s happy doing what he’s doing. And likely feels relieved to do what he wants to do, come and go as he pleases, flirt with who he wants, and not have to worry about his girlfriend at home. In essence, this might just be a simple matter of timing, although it’s hard to say if he’ll always prioritize his job, or just right now. THoughts?

  13. Heartbroken // September 2, 2016 at 9:16 am //

    I can see where you are coming from and yes, I feel you are right in the aspect of him becoming somewhat selfish.
    He has always been very generous with gifts and things, but it’s his time that has always been more important to me.
    I had always known that his career was important to him, and do feel that it has been prioritised in our relationship in the last few months – not in the beginning though.

    My life became much more difficult when he took this new job and the unhappiness I was feeling was coming out as ‘nagging’. To start with he was more understanding and would apologise if I brought things up and reassure me he was missing me and things.
    It has really been the last 6 months or so that things have become worse and he stopped showing the same understanding. He would still tell me he loved me and missed me but just got angry and frustrated with me when I would try to put my points across, to the point where he snapped.

    He does have an application open currently with another company which he applied to without me asking (I had asked him previously, several times, to get a job with someone else). He said he would only accept an offer if it is better than what he has now, and if not use it as a tool to develop his career with his current employer.
    Before I left I asked if he will continue his application now that we are no longer going to be together (he’s really happy at his current place) and he said that he would so there is a chance that his job could change soon which would change his working patterns and also social habits while away… (this company is much larger and people don’t socialise as much there).

    I will have to stay in some form of contact with him to arrange collection of belongings, when do you think is best to make contact?
    I have enough things for the meantime so I’m in no rush for anything.
    I want to give him a chance to miss me and perhaps have a change of heart as I have been a part of his life since the start of his airline career and have always been there for him to come home to after his trips away – keeping the house clean and tidy and cooking him meals, making him drinks etc…
    Am I in denial thinking that that’s a reasonably big hole in his life now?
    Is it possible he may even begin to miss my ‘nagging’ when it’s not there anymore…..?? 🙂

  14. @Heartbroken……Yes, of course he’s going to miss you as well as aspects of your relationship. Will missing you change his mind and make him want to try again? It’s too soon to tell. And since we’re not mind readers we don’t like to make predictions. That said, you’re instincts are right. He needs a little space right now. Hopefully to miss you. We still think the question of WHY he prioritized his work over the relationship is important to think about. Yes, you supported him and probably helped him feel secure and confident and that carried over to his career. But he very quickly embraced his new life. To us it sounded like he had the best of both worlds. He got to live the “single” life, but then got to come home to a loving girlfriend who supported him and provided for his other needs. Maybe he’ll wake up and realize how good he had it. However, what about you? Were you truly happy? It doesn’t sound like it. If he asked you to come back, but things went back to the way they were, but without the fighting/issues, would you really be happy?

  15. Heartbroken // September 2, 2016 at 10:00 am //

    I think his job is his life, and that’s why he has prioritised it. He is much happier in this job than the last one and perhaps in a way it’s taken over his life a bit too much….
    When we weren’t fighting (which wasn’t every week) we got on really well and we’re very comfortable together and so I believe I would be happy with him if we were back together and there was no more arguing.
    Obviously I would need to become more independent and be happier in my own life too which I was working on when we broke up! I was working in a temp job that I was happy doing and was saving up to pay for an accountancy course so that I could better myself and do something that I really enjoyed – but it just appeared to come too late…..
    I was very happy in the beginnings of our relationship, when he was first working as a pilot but no I wasn’t as happy as I could have been towards the end.

    I guess I’ll just have to bide my time and get on with things as best I can whilst giving him some space.

    Thank you for your advise and insight – it’s good to hear perspective from someone who isn’t related/too involved in the situation.

  16. @Heartbroken……It was nice discussing with you. Take care of yourself. And keep us posted. Let us know if we can help in the future. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks!

  17. Hi guys! I need help.

    I’m 29 and my BF is 36. We’ve been together for a year now, and before we had relationship we are good friends. I’m his first gf, he’s not close with his family. He live alone for long time and he’s happy with that, work and home. Until last year he decided that I leave with him, I flew to his country and stayed with him for 9 months. I knew from the start he’s 50/50 with kids, he doesn’t like kids ever and he doesn’t know why. Maybe cos he doesn’t have good memories of his family when he was still young, he came from broken family. His father always grumpy to them, he doesn’t like his family, he doesn’t feel love to any of them as his parents didn’t show love to them.

    I’m back in my country for few months cos it’s my dad birthday. We always have good communication, we are happy even chatting, we joke and make fun with each other. Until recently, I sent a joke about kids then he said no I don’t want kids you know that. Then I just said I know, but he take it seriously and said maybe it’s better if we separate ways. He said he can’t give the happiness I want, marriage and kids. He said I should be serious on kids now since I’m turning 30 next year. He said I will not be happy without kids cos he can see when I am with kids. He said he doesn’t want me to regret not having kids and if he don’t change his mind about kids then I will be horrible and he will feel bad. He said he’s sure that he will not change his mind about kids.

    He’s the type of guy that doesn’t cry, he always said he doesn’t have emotion, he’s strong. But when I talk to him he said he’s crying, he’s crying knowing I am like this, that I feel bad and he knows that I’m crying. He said he’s been depressed and can’t concentrate about work. For the first time in his life, he cried and he admit it. When a guy cried im sure he loves that person right? But he just don’t want to admit that he do love me, I guess he scared. I ask him to think and give time about this.

    He said ok, one week no messages just to be clear. But then I can’t help my self, I ask him if I can see him even just for 2 days, I want to see him even just fly where he is for few days. He said no not now, just concentrate on the business ( I have small business in Philippines)

    Does he mean he will see me but not now? Or he means he doesn’t want to see me again?

    He said I am very important to him and he doesn’t feel like this to anyone, he doesn’t think of him self , he just thinking about me. He wants my happiness that maybe he can’t give. I love him so much that I can’t see myself without him.

    I need your help guys, please.

  18. @Gracie…….This is a tough situation. We’re sorry. (Is your family in the Philippines? What country does he live in? And how did you meet?) You know, he seems pretty adamant about not wanting kids. Has he ever explained why? We know you love this man but we can tell you that he’s right. If you stay with him, and you end up not having kids, you’ll resent him over time, and that will turn your love to something else. It’s hard for you to imagine but it’s true. We don’t think you should compromise something that important to be with someone. And we give him credit. That’s what he’s saying. However, why don’t you wait to see what he has to say for himself before you jump to any conclusions? Maybe in a week he’ll want to discus with you, or realize that he really wants to be with you. Here’s another thing to consider. Is it possible that this is an excuse to break up? (Sorry, but we have to ask the question.) It’s important for you to consider all possibilities. It just seems a bit too fast and convenient. What do you think? Other questions?

  19. Thanks for the reply! We met in Australia 3 years ago when I was on holiday. My family are here in the Philippines. (He already met my family 3 months ago) I just got back here in Philippines a month ago. We had good discussion about me going back in Australia. Then just the other day I sent him a joke about a dad that singing something funny to the baby. Then he said NO BABY! That’s all it started. He doesn’t give any reason, he just said that he doesn’t like kids, that’s all. He didn’t even explain why. I know he doesn’t like screaming kids, doesn’t like the idea of changing nappy or what so ever. I don’t know if it’s because of his childhood, I asked him if it’s because of that. His answer is maybe, probably. Im sure there’s no other issue, it’s just that about kids. Or maybe he just don’t love me that much that it’s easy for him to let me go.

    I don’t think he will change his mind, he’s the kind of guy that tough tough (feeling macho). Maybe he just asked for space cos I asked him to think about it, give time to think about this. But I’m sure he is already clear that it’s finish.

    I asked him if I can see him but he said no not now. I have stuff in his place and I don’t know how I will get it.

    I don’t know what to do. This is the best relationship I’ve ever had so far. We are happy but we are not on the same page to have kids. I’m turning 30 next year and he told me I should be serious on having kids and he know I will be a great mom.

    I am really having hard time. Can’t sleep well.

  20. @Gracie…….We’re sorry you’re not sleeping well and having such a hard time. Hang in there. Any changes? Has he reached out to you at all? What’s your plan if he doesn’t? Or does?

  21. Thanks for the reply!

    I sent an email to him the other day, I told him everything I wanted to tell him. I said that will be the last time he will get message from me and I will just wait for his message. He did replied and told me that he got the message and he thanked me for giving him space. He even told me that day that he’s going to go to a friend house for a drink but then he said that he still need time. I said ok I understand. Then the next day I message him just to say hope he’s ok. Guess what? He sent a pic of him carrying baby of his mate. I said he’s cute. But no reply. I am confused now, I don’t know if it’s a good sign since we both know that the issue of our problem is he doesn’t like to have kids.

    I’m still hoping he will change but then if not , then I need to move on.

  22. @Gracie……That sounds like a pretty good sign. Maybe a possible peace offering? But for now, you’ll just have to wait and see. The ball is in his court. We hope it works out for you, but if not, it sounds as if you know what you need to to do. Keep us posted. And thanks for sharing our site with friends. ps. We just put up on a post on The Perfect Guy? Maybe you could get the conversation started? Check it out and share your thoughts: https://theguysperspective.com/guys/the-perfect-guy/

  23. @All the Women out THere…….We’d love to hear your thoughts on The Perfect Guy? Leave a comment, a description or respond to someone else’s comment. Let’s have a conversation.

  24. Thanks! Yeah, I’ll update you this weekend. He said we will chat this week, I’m really confused cos why he will sent me a picture of him and a baby. (Baby is the reason why he broke up with me and ask for space)

    I will answer the about perfect guy once I’m done with this. Thanks! 😊

  25. Hi guys!

    My ex (38 – desperate to get married and have kids) and I (35 – laid back and goes with the flow) were best friends for a year, then in a relationship for 3yrs. Very adult relationship, few arguments, a lot of fun and silliness and a great team, who also led good independent lives. Ex said it was the best relationship he’s ever had. Best sex (still after 3yrs). However, he said he felt confused as it was so different to previous relationships (in a good way – his ex-wife was an abusive drunk), but he thought there should be “fireworks..” and he should jump out of bed every morning and shout to the world how much he loves me. I said perhaps we should take a break as he was confused and I wanted to travel and be with someone who knew they wanted me. He begged me not to go away and said he didn’t want to lose me, wanted to marry me and would go to therapy to work stuff out. 3 months later we went on vacation for 3 weeks and decided to move into together. Then 4 weeks after our trip I was nearly killed in a car accident (not my fault), which he witnessed. He was by my bed in the hospital crying and telling me how much he loved me and was so scared of losing me. Then 2 weeks later he turned up at my apartment and dumped me!

    He sobbed for 3 hours, hugging and kissing me and didn’t have a solid reason for dumping me and since then has come up with a slew of excuses that make no sense and are completely irrelevant – he sends me long random emails saying weird (mostly untrue) reasons. His friends are shocked and appalled with his behaviour. There is not another woman.

    That was 6.5 months ago. He emails me now and then – always wanting to know my news and asking me a ton of questions and telling me about his life. I’ve asked him not to contact me unless it’s to repair our relationship. But sometimes I break and do respond, but always briefly and ask nothing about his life.

    I’m still so sad about this breakup. I’m someone who gets on with life and moves on pretty quick, but this is killing me. I’m dating, but just cannot move on. I feel like he’s coming back. I feel like we’re still together.

    My questions to you is – what on earth is going on with him? And, is there anything I can do to sway him back to me, or do I just live my life and try and try to let go of the hope I have that we can one day repair things. He tells me he misses me in every way imaginable and is very emotional, but there are no actions to indicate he wants to get back together.

    Thanks so much for your input. Really appreciate it.

    Sienna

  26. Just wanted to add in case it helps – there was no gradual crumble of the relationship. He was still as loving as ever and would buy little gifts and give me cards saying how much he loved me. He was still planning our future together up until the last minute.

  27. @Sienna……We understand why you’re so confused and hurt by this. Why would a guy throw away a seemingly perfect relationship with no concrete reason and no buildup? (Like you said) What we see is a guy who very much wants to be in love and get married and have a family. And you pretty much check off all the boxes, except he isn’t in love with you. Yes, he loves you, but like he said, he wants fireworks and can’t understand why he isn’t getting them with you. (We’re not saying he’s right, or wrong, just stating where he’s at.) So he tried and tried to figure it out, and likely berated himself, and feels stupid for passing on such a great woman, but something in his gut is telling him it’s not right. And so when he reaches out to you, that’s his brain winning the argument and seeing if you’re still open to him. But his gut doesn’t allow him to try to reconcile. And so this will likely go on until you stop it, or he finds another woman. As far as reconciliation, sure, it could happen, but it’s not as if his inner-conflict is going to go away. We are sorry. Of course, this is just our opinion. We’ve been wrong before. Thoughts? Questions?

  28. Hi guys

    I think you’ve summed things up quite concisely and eloquently. And it sucks. But thank you.

    The hardest thing is when his friends and family are telling me that they’d never seen him look at anyone the way he looked at me and that I was the love of his life. And our chemistry was fireworks enough, or so it seemed. And I used to see the way he looked at me and I know that he was definitely in love with me. Though, I guess at some point that no-one saw, that changed. A few weeks before he left he gave me a random card and wrote how much he loved me in it, then gave me a cute little gift. So it’s incredibly confusing. I guess he has a communication issue…? ☺ Some have said emotional immaturity… Who knows. But I believe being “in love” is a choice. What do you think about that?

    I know that we can’t see each other because it would send our “healing” back months and we’d want to be together. It seems we’re both suffering through this and it just seems so stupid and brutal. The idea of him being with another woman makes me sick to the pit of my soul. We’re both dating. Very unsuccessfully.

    Is there anything I can do? I’d written a letter (that I wasn’t going to send – it was just a process for me) which goes over a few things that were going on with me energetically a while back and talks about the things I miss about him, but I know if I did send it, it would be for an outcome of hoping to convince him to come back. I’m torn between keeping all contact shut down vs spilling my heart to him – but only because I’m trying to decide which has the better outcome.

    I know it sounds weird, but it feels like a connection on a whole other level – even when my fiancé blindsided me years back, I got over it and on with life a lot faster than this!!

    So, from a guys POV – is there anything at all I can do? Is it best if I just back off and stay backed off? Or spill my guts…? Can a guy fall out of love and then back in love with the same person after some time has passed?

  29. @Sienna…You ask some tough questions. We’ll do our best, but as you know, there aren’t good answers. Or rather, there sometimes aren’t right or wrong answers, just reflections/thoughts. Is being “in love” a choice? Not sure about that. But we do agree that at some point you just make a choice as to whether or not you’re going to commit to a person long-term or not. Meaning, how many relationships that were absolute “fireworks” (described by the people themselves) fizzled out, or burned up in flames? The answer: Tons. Just as many as relationships that are more measured and more even with less highs and lows and intensity. The fact is, most relationships run their course and end. So yes, we do agree that at some point you make a choice. And then, in order for the relationship to continue, you have to continue making that choice each and every day. (Both parties.) Because life is full of distractions, shinier, newer “things” that are enticing. To us, there could be two reasons for his behavior. (You’re not going to love either, but especially the first.) 1. The fact that you were friends first, makes us think that maybe that extra special something wasn’t there from the beginning. (For him) And although the two of you were an amazing team, and had great sex, and had tons of fun, something about that missing “component” bugged him until it loomed too big and he had to leave. 2. That he lacks emotional maturity and experience and he doesn’t understand how grown-up relationships actually work. But enough of that. What can you do? Well, it’s a fine line. You definitely don’t want to regret not having done everything you could to save the relationship. (Nothing worse than regret) But you don’t want to come across as being clingy, desperate and needy. So you have to figure out where that line is. We can’t say where it is, but it’s there somewhere. What do you think? ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. We’ve kind of stopped answering longer questions in the comments sections but we felt compelled to answer yours. 🙂 (Longer questions are generally for the Ask a Private Question option. Yes, for a fee.) So we hope you’ll help us out and spread the word. Like our Facebook page. You know, that sort of thing. Thanks!)

  30. Thanks guys 🙂 Appreciate your insight.

    The word has already been spread a few Ikea about your site and will continue to be 🙂

    Thanks again.

  31. @Sienna….You’re welcome. And thank you.

  32. Hey guys, my boyfriend broke up with me because he said he just didn’t feel like I was the right one for him anymore. He’s 23 and graduated college with a job, while I am still in college. I begged him to take me back but he didn’t. He was crying when he broke up with me though. I am so confused, and then not even two months after we broke up he’s in a new relationship. What does this mean? Thanks!

  33. @Eva……We are so sorry. The crying means he felt sad and possibly guilty, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he felt uncertain about his decision. We’re sure he still cared for you, but he wasn’t in love anymore, or no longer wanted to be in the relationship. Sorry again. As per his new relationship. It’s hard to say. It could be a rebound. It could be someone he just met. But honestly, based on what you’re telling us, we don’t think he’s coming back. So it’s important for you to try to move forward and focus on enjoying the rest of school. (And doing well of course.) Any other thoughts? Questions? We hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  34. Husband ended marriage a abruptly and hasn’t spoken to me since. He teary eyed said over and over he loves me and then said we will never be together again. My son was very distraught by this calling me saying I need to go to him. I sent text telling him I loved him. He sent text I am gone you need to accept it. We will never be together again. I showed my son and he couldn’t believe he sent that. We are now separated over 2 years. He acts like I never even existed. Has been with numerous women.

  35. Me and my ex known each other for almost 7 years and we finally went out and three months later he broke up with me and cried while saying he was sorry and loved me. But even after we broke up we still “talked” and he talk about after we finished college he wants to move in with me and that he loved me but he still wasnt committed to me. Then we grew a connects over the past few months and became friends with benefits… Then out of no where he texted me saying stated talking to this girl and i was nothing serious but he doesnt want to hurt me but then i told him to do what makes him happy because i loved him and he told me while whatever happens “i love you and no one will ever compare to you and i still want to spend my life with you and move in together”. Im very confused because he tells me all this but then doesnt want to be in a real relationship with me…

  36. @Jessica…..Sounds like he wants to keep you around but also have his freedom. Also sounds like he wants to be in love with you but isn’t sure if he is. Finally, when relationships move from being serious to a FWB, that’s a demotion. (Read our recent article. 10 Things Women Should Know about FWB. Find it on our Home Page) ps. And we hope you’ll share our site with friends. Thanks.

  37. He is foriener. I met my bf two months ago. He supposed to leave here in 3months becuase of his job. Even though we knew that we start seeing with a lot of dates. But I just broke up last night after double dating with his friends It was all of sudden. We kissed, hugged infront of friend couple just before!.. Anyway He said ‘You deserve better. You’ve liked me more than i like you. I am not good one for you. I am a bad guy. You are the nicest girl in my life. But i am not the same mood with you. Hope you meet better person for you. I can’t give you any fair things at all. And just don’t give up the hope about your exs including me (–>Wtf..? ) I might regret my saying But i had to force me. Cuase I don’t want you to get hurts later That’s why i acted like a bad guy on last weekend ‘ I really dissapointed .. And i feel bad for myself.Yeah His text was too late, He didn’t want to pay for dating anymore haha..since a week ago. I was silly I didn’t even relized that. I started to cry and he stared to cry too even more than me. I don’t understand why he kept crying and huging me after saying you deserve me.. with’I’m sorry i am so sorry..’ I am really wondering that. I feel like i am still in my dream So sad and i miss him…Does he just didn’t like me anymore? Or he just doesn’t want to be a bad person? One of my friends said ‘I guess he is just afriad about leaving you in Feb. And he didn’t want you to hurt by leaving. He is care about you a lot.’ Well But i don’t think so. It is so painful right now.. I need some opinions He’ve prepared our end of relationship by himself. This is what i got angry seriously. Hope he miss me like i miss him..

  38. @Lana….We are sorry. Our opinion is to listen to his words. He said, “You like me more than I like you.” So instead of stringing you along until February and getting your hopes up that this relationship might develop into something more serious, he broke up with you now. He cried because he feels badly about it and guilty.

  39. Heartbreaker85 // March 18, 2017 at 2:14 pm //

    My bf and I broke up a couple days ago. This girl likes him and he swears he does not like her but likes me. He was spending a lot of time over her house and still say calling me babe and etc. After we realize this probably will be the best for us mentally he said he will come visit me and definitely be around but he hasn’t. he drunk text me asking me to come by but changed his mind and said he will see me today. I haven’t heard from him and just wondering if he is playing with my emotions. He said he is not going to get with anyone while we weren’t together but I just have a feeling he likes this girl and is lying to me. We were together for 5 years and just were talking about marriage and how his family is like mine and how we are on the same page but we kinda aren’t. How he is not going anywhere and now aren’t together. Help me please….should I just move on? Help me understand this from a guy’s point?

  40. @Heartbreaker85…….We’re sorry. However we think it’s a bit premature to move on. (It’s only been two days, right?) That said, he does seem like he’s playing games. Question you have to ask yourself: If he likes you so much why did he break up with you?

  41. Heartbreak85 // March 19, 2017 at 8:30 pm //

    its almost been a week but he said we just have healing to do and I have. He says he loves me but I add to his depression which is why I think he did. And I did go through his phone and facebook because I did not believe him which he was going over to girl’s home late at nightw ho liked him and previous he would be texting a girl that he liked as well which is why I went through his stuff because his lying drove me crazy. That is not me. We been together 5 years. Also being away from him I realized that I did not trust him and I stopped bringing out the best of him and I want to be that for someone…what does it mean we just have healing to do to you guys? and he still texts me….asking what I am doing and how work is….does that mean anything?

  42. My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago after 7 years together. I thought we were blissfully happy together, we were looking at houses to move into back in our home town, and since we met he’s said he always wanted children so we’d planned to get pregnant next year. We were living in a city far from home for a while which he told me he wasn’t happy about and that’s why we were looking at houses closer to home. When we split, he stated his reasons as a change of feeling, that he wanted to go travelling on his own for a year or so, that he hadn’t been happy for two months (but he hadn’t breathed a word of this to me – in fact his valentines card just a month earlier said he couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have me in his life and that he was looking forward to all we would do together), and that perhaps his approaching 30 years old had something to do with it. As side info, his dad went off at the same age on a big lone trip around South America and so he has grown up with incredible tales of this trip. He’s never been sure of what he wants to do in life and we have been living a good distance from our big friendship group. What do you think is up with all of this? When I asked if it was for definite he said yes and when I asked if he wanted me to come travelling with him, he said no. All that is fine, I am ready to let go and I have been incredibly outwardly cool and calm about it, with no chase at all once I had asked those two initial questions. I just wanted to hear your opinion because he’s the purest person I’ve ever met and I’m rather sad to lose him.

  43. @Lee……We’re sorry to hear about your breakup. With these types of questions we usually answer privately because they deserve more of a discussion rather than a short response. (Select the Ask a Private Question option. Read testimonials on our Relationship Coaching/Advice page.) That said, we’ll do our best here. (Let us know if you want to go the other route. There is a fee though so no pressure.) Anyway, sounds like he was young when you met, which means he’s still that 22 year old guy inside, and feels like he hasn’t gotten a chance to explore and see the world. He sees you as an obstacle rather than someone who makes his life better and more interesting. When guys aren’t ready they tend to define their relationships by what they DON’T HAVE rather than what they do have.

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