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Why did we really break up?

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Dear Guys,

I started dating a guy that was on the verge of breaking up with his girlfriend of two years. He finally broke it off. It was strictly his choice and I asked him not to do it on my behalf. We dated for about 5 months after that and had plans to move in together & eventually move out of state together. Until one day he just told me he wasn’t sure if this was what he wanted. He said he needed to change/find himself & couldn’t do that while in a relationship. In that same breath he stated that the way we hooked up was all wrong.

He still has feelings for his ex but not enough to be with her. His ex is doing well financially. He lost his car and other things after their breakup which leads me to believe that he’s tired of struggling and might benefit more from being with her, even though he said their relationship was beyond repair. I even encouraged him to try to work it out with her before it ended.

He is a very attractive man and gets lots of attention from women. I believe he does not trust himself to be faithful and he does not want to hurt me because he cares about me. I am so confused and have so many unanswered questions as to why he really broke up with me. I blame myself for some of it because I don’t think I satisfied him fully sexually because of my own insecurities. My heart is so sad because I had so much hope for the relationship and he’s a wonderful guy that seems to be fighting some sort of demons.

Kelli

Dear Kelli,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry you’re feeling so sad about this.

We see this as a timing issue more than anything else. Even though you were generous with your support for him and said all the “right” things to him, he was still coming out of a long and serious relationship. Jumping into a new relationship right away is never a good idea. Regardless of what he said, he needed much more time to process and heal. (So we can see why he still has feelings for his ex. This is totally natural and will continue for some time.)

You seem to be a very caring person who wants to do the right thing. But you’re also too hard on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over this. Yes, it’s sad, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s more than likely he’s still in comparison mode, which means his breakup is too fresh for anyone new to stand up to the test.

Also, sometimes the sex IS amazing when you are with someone new. But sometimes it takes time to for people to get to know one another before the sex gets to that “blow your mind” place. Different people have different timelines for how and when they want to open up. The best sex is sex that is open and uninhibited, where both partners are willing to give themselves over, and do what they can to satisfy their partner. (Both have to feel safe and comfortable of course.) It seems natural to us that you wouldn’t feel completely comfortable giving yourself over to this guy if you weren’t really sure where he stood with you and the relationship. That’s asking a lot of yourself. It’s hard to give when you’re feeling uncertain and vulnerable.

Kelli, try to process what you learned from this relationship and then try to apply the new insights as you move forward into new relationships. And be kind to yourself. You’ll know when you meet the right person because he’ll be someone you can be yourself with. This guy was not him.

THE GUYS

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41 Comments on Why did we really break up?

  1. Ashley Williams // May 22, 2012 at 4:26 pm //

    Guys, I recently broke it off with my boyfriend. It is a very long and tiresome story, but the background is important. He moved back to our hometown from very far away after running into me after several years of no speaking/seeing one another, to be in a relationship with me. After he had decided to move home, I discovered that I was pregnant, he moved home, everything was going great. The fairy tale was coming to fruitition. I suffered a miscarriage, which was very devastating me. Neither one of us were prepared with how to handle a loss like this. Months went by, and I could tell that something had changed. I pushed him about it and he finally told me that he loved me, and he wanted to stay in the relationship with me, but he no longer knew what he saw in his future. I tried to accept this for a few weeks, and after I realized that I knew that he was who I wanted to spend my life with and if he could not reciprocate those feelings at this time, then it would probably be best for us to split. I didn’t know what else to do, he satyed a week at his best friend’s house, called me on Friday night and told me that he wanted to come over the following day to talk about things and see if he could come home. I was elated, I got up early changed the sheets on the bed, cleaned the house, etc. When he got there he told me that he thought that moving out would be the best thing for him to do, he still loved me and he still wanted to relationship, but he didn’t want to live with me any longer. He missed his time with his friends, and something changed in him, he says that he doesn’t know what it is, but something is different for him. I said that I was not willing to stay in the realtionship on those terms, that our problems didn’t stem from living together, they stemed from not being able to work through stuff, and that moving was only geography. He packed up his car, and then he sat in the kitchen for nearly 2 hours and neither one of us said a word. We just sat there, he said something about going to see a movie together that night, and I told him that I didn’t think that would be right, because we would just be in the same spot the next day. He stayed sitting there until I asked him what he was doing, and he said he better get going. We went outside and he asked me again if I was sure that I couldn’t stay in the relationship the way that it was, and I said yes for the same reasons again. I feel heart broken, and I am really unsure of what I am doing. I feel hurt that he would choose his friends over staying in my house with me, although I was the one that initiated the break up. I have no idea where to go from here. I have not called, texted, emailed, since he came the last time to get the rest of his things. I need some insight as to what could have changed for him that urged him to leave. Was it the domestic life? Pressure? not being able to deal with me as I process the emotions of losing our child? I told him that once he gets to end of the mess in his head to come home. Do you think he will?

  2. @Ashley……First of all, we’re really sorry about your miscarriage. Our hearts go out to you and your boyfriend. That might not be why he left, but it certainly exposed what might have always been there. Meaning, maybe he accepted that he was going to have a baby with you and was ready to commit to that decision and to you. But then when things didn’t work out, he realized that he actually wasn’t ready. And from where we’re standing it’s clear he’s not ready to deal with all the emotional ups and downs of a loving, committed relationship. At least he’s being honest with you. We give him that. Having said that, we don’t think this is over. There’s too much left unsaid. And it’s clear you both still love each other, at least on some level. That doesn’t mean the two of you will get back together, but we’re pretty sure you’re going to be at least discussing all the feelings and emotions you have. It also doesn’t mean the two of you are right for each other. If you’re someone who needs to process, and he’s someone who shuts down when things are tough, how are you going to deal with all the trials and tribulations of life? Yes, a miscarriage is a significant event, but life is full of significant events—positive and negative. And being married and having kids is probably the most difficult thing you’ll ever undertake, even when it’s good. So we suggest you let this simmer for a bit, think about what you want, and give him some space to think about what he wants. Give yourself some time to heal—emotionally and physically. Surround yourself with friends and family and try to focus on all the good you have in your life. We’re pretty sure he’ll be contacting you at some point. Then it will up to you to see if you actually want him back. Hope this makes sense. Keep us posted as this progresses. And feel free to ask us a follow up question, or another question anytime. Also, you might enjoy our “Relationship Memoirs” page, especially Charlotte Pescale’s “Rebecca, a Memoir.” Finally, please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

  3. Ashley Williams // May 25, 2012 at 10:44 am //

    Hey Guys, Thank you so mcuh for your response from my previous comment. I really appreciate the insight. I had not considered the possability that what happened exposed the feelings he was having that he was not ready for this. It has been since Monday that we last had any form of contact, and that was him going to get the rest of things out of the house. I feel horrible about this whole thing. Working, School, and the gym keeping me very busy trying to keep my mind off of everything. I had a guy ask me for my number last night at the gym, which I appreciated and of course made me feel good, but I almost felt like I was cheating. Even though the relationship is over, I have this feeling of restlessness. In the end I ended up saying that I was not ready, I had just gotten out of a serious relationship and I didn’t want to date anyone, until I felt certain that I would be able to give them what they deserved. My ex boyfriend moved over a thousand miles to be with me, after seeing me twice in 5 months. He was so certain that I was “the one”, and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. The hardest part about him moving out of our place was that I didn’t want him to go, and I made that clear, he kept lingering around, sitting on the couch, not speaking just sitting there together. When he left he asked me if I was sure that I would be unable to continue the relationship with him living somewhere else and I told him that he seemed so confused and fickle that I didn’t want to keep it going if in a month he was going to tell me that he was confused again, and didn’t know what he wanted. I have made absolutely no contact, and I feel that is the right thing for me to do, that he knows how I feel and if he really really really loved me he would come back, and then we would be able to assess whether or not this would be worth pursuing again. When I was talking to the guy from the gym last night I just felt like it was so wrong, I know what I want. I feel that if I were to contact my ex boyfriend and tell him I want to talk, it would only be me trying to manipulate the situation and that I shouldn’t do that. I feel that if he comes back on his own that is an entirely different situation altogether. AM I thinking about this right? Or am I not? I just need some clarity I guess.

  4. @Ashley…….Yes, you are. He’s the one who’s conflicted not you, so he has to come back on his own with no prompting from you. Another thought: Being in a long distance relationship is like a fantasy relationship for some people. (Likely your guy) Let us explain. While he’s away from you your guy starts fantasizing about you, the relationship, all the possibilities. He’s also horny as hell and the two are a lethal combination when it comes to staying in reality. (Read the introduction of Charlotte Pescale’s, “Rebecca, a memoir.” She talks about this) So he comes to visit you with all of these pent up feelings and it’s great. But of course he’s only there for a short time and then he goes away, only to start the cycle again. So it makes sense to us that he was “certain” you were the one. In some ways he was. But the mistake was, it wasn’t reality. Reality is being with you day to day for the ups and the downs, not being on some constant high. So what we see is a guy who’s just not ready. We’re not saying you should wait around until he is. On the contrary we think as soon as you’re ready you should put yourself out there. Does this clarify?

  5. Ashley Williams // May 25, 2012 at 11:35 am //

    Yes it makes perfect sense and again, something else that I had not thought about or realized. I agree he isn’t ready, he thought he was, but he isn’t. It was too much for him, moving, new live-in situation, losing a baby, etc. Way too much going on up there. I am going to keep up my streak of no contact. This is the strangest breakup I have ever had because we didn’t fight, argue, bicker, annoy one another, there was nothing really that happened other than me asking him what was wrong one day and him saying that he knew that he loved me and he wanted to be in the relationship, but he didn’t know about a future with me. Which was devestating to me considering the tragedy we had just been through. Which is what prompted me initiating the break up. When he was moving his things out I kept thinking… if you really didn’t want to be here, and you really wanted to leave, why do you keep hanging around, the car is packed… you just have to get in it and go. I have never been through anything this intense before, so it is really hard for me to make sense of everything. I guess the only thing that I need to make sense of is, I said my peace, and now it is on him, and if he doesn’t want it, then it was no good for me anyway.

  6. @Ashley…….Well, take care of yourself. You seem like a strong woman, so we know you’ll land on your feet. Keep in touch. And feel free to ask another question anytime.

  7. Ashley Williams // May 31, 2012 at 8:49 am //

    Well, I tried to post a comment last night, but unfortunately it didn’t send correctly, so here is another shot at it. Please read my previous comments to take in the history of the situation. My boyfriend moved over 1,000 miles to come and live with me, we suffered a miscarriage together, it was heartbreaking for me to deal with, he withdrew, I withdrew, we ended up splitting. He called and said he wanted to come home I said ok, when he showed up he said he wanted to stay in the relationship but not living with me, I said absolutely not. He left, I urged him to come and get his belongings as quickly as he could, as I needed to move on with my life and I wouldn’t be able to do that talking to him every day. He got his things, and that was it, we haven’t spoken since and that was over a week ago. I get home from class last night and find a shirt (I don’t think I have ever worn) and 3 pair of white socks in a bag with a note that says: I found these mixed in with my things, the shirt probably looks better on you. I hope school is going well and that everything is going good with you and the dude (which is my dog). I was totally unsuspecting this. I am really puzzled as to why someone would go out of their to return things of absolute no value, I would have never noticed that they were gone. For some reason it just seemed odd to me, maybe I am reading too much into this. I am curious to see what you guys think. Is this is attempt at closure, having something to drop off to be done with the relationship? It just seemed really weird.

  8. @Ashley……Our take is that he’s still trying to stay in contact with you. (The opposite of what you’re thinking.) From what you say, he still wants to be in a relationship with you—although we understand why you don’t want that since it feels like it would be moving backward. Dropping of your things and leaving you a short note keeps the connection open. He’s making it easy for you to reach out to him. He’s feeling out where you stand. It’s obvious the two of you have feelings for each other and the circumstance around your miscarriage is what drove you apart. (Every time you write we get more of a sense of a connection between the two of you.) So what do YOU want Ashley? Do you still want a relationship with this man? Do you think the two of you could start over together? The fact that he seems still willing to try says a lot, especially after the tragedy. And even though he didn’t want to live with you, his instincts might be right. (Jeez, we seem to be giving this guy more and more credit.) Maybe he realizes the two of you need to start fresh, like you’re just starting to date. Whatever is going on, it does seem like the two of you need to talk about all of this. This way you can either move forward together, or get some closure, and move on with your lives.

  9. Ashley Williams // May 31, 2012 at 11:21 am //

    OMG just when I think I have a clue what is going on, you guys totally blow it for me LOL. I love this man with all my heart and soul. When he came home and we started our lives together, I thought that we were doing just that. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, good, bad, indifferent. When he left I told him that when he gets to the end of this mess in his head to come home. What caused me to say that the relationship is over, was the fact that he said, “I know I love you, and I know I want to be with you, but I don’t know anything else about a future together”. This came like a jolt from someone who had basically convinced me, and prodded me to be in the realtionship from the beginning saying that I was the one, he loved me so much, he knew that I was it. So, it was difficult for me to accept how things go from YES to I am not sure. I didn’t think that we could still be together unless he felt the same way that I did, because I would always be wondering what he was thinking/feeling in the back of my mind, and I didn’t want to put us both through that. I wanted him to go away and think about everything and come back and say, “I have had some time, I love you, lets start over” and that didn’t happen. I want to be with the man that I started the realtionship with, the guy who was sure, and certain, who made me feel like I was the most important thing in his life. I don’t want to be with the guy who is confused, and lost. So, now what guys? Do I say thank you for returning my 3 pair of socks? (which is laughable? or just ignore it and see if he comes back on his own?

  10. @Ashley…….Glad we could confuse you more. 🙂 (Kidding of course) One of the nice things about this site/forum, is it allows people to start airing their concerns/issues, and gets them talking. We find that just putting ideas out there is the first step to finding solutions. Of course, without actually getting directly involved—we don’t know you or your guy personally—it’s hard for us to do more than work from our experience and react to what you tell us. (Hopefully it helps) So question for you: (Maybe we already said this) But are you talking with someone about this? A counselor? Other professional? It might help to have someone more directly involved. What do you think? But we still say this is going to take more time to resolve itself one way or another. You’ve gone through a lot, and working through complicated issues can take a long time. And of course your timeline and his are also different, so now you’re working with two sets of timelines, and that gets even more complicated.

  11. Ashley Williams // May 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm //

    I have been seeing someone to help learn how to cope with the loss that I went through. It has been a difficult process and it has been tough, but I am getting better and better. I know that it is going to take time, and it is going to be hard, and a lot of reflecting has been involved. I was prepared when the relationship ended to just continue doing the things that I have been doing. Life has been going on, working, taking night classes, fishing, gym etc. I wasn’t expecting to come home yesterday and see a shirt and 3 pair of socks in my mailbox with a note, it was so strange for me. I don’t know if I am supposed to say thank you, I don’t know if I should say anything. I feel like in the end of the relationship I said everything I could say and if he really wants it, he is going to have to do better then leaving a note in the mailbox with some socks. We went through so much together, and after having been so sure of me at one point, to turn around and say I am confused, doesn’t work for me. If he wants to have a real adult conversation with me then he will call me. Is this sensical?

  12. @Ashley…….Yes, you’re being very articulate. Maybe he needs to hear it one more time? At least your last sentence. “If he wants to have a real adult conversation with me then he will call me.” But instead say, “If you want to have a real adult conversation then you should call me.” Text or email it to him. But honestly, you would know better than us what went down, and how much was said, or not said. He seems a bit lost doesn’t he? And though it’s certainly not your job to help anchor him, maybe he just doesn’t know which way is up and thus “the socks.”

  13. Hi, I need some a guys perspective about my recent break up. Was seeing my ex for 6 months. He’d been single for a while, I’d been single for a few months. First 3 months he pursued me, pushed to meet my family/little girl, introduced me to his family/close friends etc, asked if he could take me away on holiday, and generally treated me like a princess. We saw each other 2 or 3 times a week, it was a very easy going relationship, no arguments, some bickering but nothing huge. He did mention moving abroad briefly but then told me I was the reason why he wouldn’t go. We never said we love each other, but we both said our feelings were deepening and felt that we were taking things slow as we’ve both been hurt before. About 4 months in, we began to not see each other as much, although I didn’t think much of it as we were both very independent anyway. 5 months in, we went on holiday. Had an amazing time, got on so well, still didn’t say the love words to each other, but both said it’d come, its better not to rush. After holiday, we continued as we had before. He was talking about going on holiday together next year, what we’d be like together in 10yrs, whether I’d want his babies one day, etc. Then, 6 months in, he was distant with me one day, came over that evening, and broke up with me. Told me he didn’t love me, but felt he should after 6 months, and he realised he would never love me, there was no spark and there never had been. I’m confused. How could you be with someone for 6 months without a spark? Why did he push to become a part of my life, only to walk out of it a few months later? Why did he take me on holiday and talk about the future if he didn’t think there’d be one? When I’ve put these questions to him, he’s said he thought the love would come, but if there was no spark how could he think that? He’s told his mates that he fancies me and I was the perfect girlfriend, but he knows he will never love me. I just don’t get it. Any light you can shed on this would be great, because I just don’t understand. Thanks, Mel

  14. @Mel…..We’re sorry this is so confusing. But sad to say, we totally understand this situation. Guys typically know right away what potential they see with a woman. 1. No interest. 2. Cool chick. Friend. 3. Sex interest, but no relationship. 4. Relationship potential. However, there is a gray area between #2 and #4, when the “Cool Chick” is also attractive, but maybe not exactly what the guy wants. In this scenario the guy decides to give it a go. Sometimes he’s a bit more vulnerable or open to a relationship. (Maybe been single for a while or his last relationship was not a good one.) In this case he’s hoping he’ll change his mind. It’s not like he’s not attracted to the woman, it’s just he’s not attracted in the way that he wants to be. But the woman is so cool, so loving, so wonderful—in essence the perfect partner in almost every way—that he feels foolish for not seeing if the spark will happen. His friends are telling him to go for it, that she’s great, that he’s lucky, but inside he still isn’t so sure. For a time he thinks the spark is igniting and he gets excited, talking about the future, but ironically, talk of the future makes it more real, and then his initial doubts become more prevalent and he decides to break up. Very likely, this is how it played out in his mind. We are sorry. What do you think? Does this make sense? Thoughts? ps. We do hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter: @TGPBuzz. Share on Facebook or other social networking sites. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  15. I’m going through a horrible time. My husband left me for another woman even that he does not admit it. He said that it was over before he met her. we’ve been together for 11 years before we married and it happened 3 short months after we did. its been 5 months now and hes so public with her, some might even say hes in love…. he said he loves me but it will never work between us. the hard part is that he doesnt want to see me so i cant show him any effort. i did all the mistakes i shouldnt after the break up, i called, i cried i begged….. we went to therapy but it didnt help… he said i can decide whether i want a divorce or not, that he doesnt mind either ways. last thing he said to me was maybe one day we will get back together but if that day will ever come we will have to re-marry because this union was doomed since the begging (we only got married to please my mother, alone, with nobody, not even his parents)
    you look more wise then i am, do you have any advice on what i should do?

  16. @Renee……So you might need to explain a bit more here. Why did it take you so long to get married? Was he resentful for having to do so? Fill us in a bit more and we’ll offer some more opinions.

  17. It took so long because we never had enough money and he has a bit of a commitment issues, and yes he wasn’t very happy neither by the timing or the way we got married. He wanted to postpone it further more to be able to have a proper wedding but i couldn’t take my family’s nagging anymore so i refused to postpone. We ended up getting married in a foreign country (we don’t have civil marriage in ours), alone, with nobody with us and to top it, my mother payed for it…. it’s a salad!

  18. @Renee……Unfortunately there’s not much you can do right now. He’s got to realize that he wants to be with you and come back on his own. As you know begging and crying doesn’t work. We’d suggest staying in touch but only to let him know you’re out there. Remind him that he has fun talking to you, etc. As per his girlfriend. It’s doubtful she’ll be around for long. This isn’t about leaving you for her, this is about how he felt about being pressured into marriage, which likely means you were having larger communication issues in your relationship. Give this a bit more time to unfold and check back with us if you have another question. Take care.

  19. In the last therapy session he said that i was his best friends and that we have an amazing relationship in all areas beside the married one… he asked to be friends but i refused. he hasn’t filed for divorce but he’s telling people that he has… do you think being friend is good? I was thinking about waiting a bit until i start my new job next month and put my life together and talk to him by then… i don’t know, is that worth the shot?

  20. @Renee…..if you love him anything is worth a shot. If it doesn’t work out at least you’ll have no regrets on your end. He’ll be left to do the regretting. Keep us posted. And hang in there and good luck.

  21. Thank you guys, i hope this will end soon 🙂

  22. @Renee……Keep us posted. And take care.

  23. Anonymous // January 20, 2013 at 5:42 pm //

    My boyfriend and I broke up after being together for almost a year because he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me anymore because he felt that I want attracted to him and that he felt like he was my Teddy bear, also he said that I started arguments over little things and that I always said I would have sex with him and then didn’t. Looking back I noticed that I did do all those things a lot. Then a couple days after we broke up I asked him if we could just try again so I could prove to him that that wasn’t me. He said yes and we tried for a month until one day he broke up with me over text and said that he will always care for me but his feelings changed and he liked me just as a friend and he wants to be friends. A couple days later he started talking to another girl. It has been almost two months after we broke up and him and this girl both like each other but still hook up with other people. Anyway one of my mutual friends talked to him about us and he said that he still has feelings for me and that maybe in the future we will get back together but as for now we should talk to other people. My question is do you thnk me and him can get back together and if we can how can I get him back? I’ve only talked to him a couple times and he tends to not go somewhere if I’m going to be there so it will not be awkward. Also our relationship was great until the 9th month when I started fighting with him

  24. @Anonymous……The best thing to do is move on and start dating again. The only way you’re going to get back together is if you have some time apart and both realize you want to get back together. For right now he’s making it pretty clear where he stands especially since he knows you’d like to try again. There’s nothing you can do, nor is there anything you should do. He needs to come back on his own

  25. Hi Guys,
    So I met a guy on an online dating site and he said in his profile that he might want kids and he is Christian. Before I met him in person I saw him on another dating website and it said he was Christian and pretty serious about it and has kids. We are in our 30s. When we met, we hit it off and began spending quite a bit of time together and texting everyday. He didn’t mention anything about kids and made it seem like he wasn’t that religious. He came on strong and wanted to hang out a lot. He grew on me and I started to really like him. He would make comments about us doing things together in the future. One day I asked him if he had kids and he said he has two kids in their early teens. He had them early and married his kids’ mom because she got pregnant. They divorced a few years later. He said he had been wanting to tell me and that he wanted me to get to know him first and not be clouded by the fact that he has kids. I understood where he was coming from and said we would see where things went. I asked if he wanted more kids and he said yes if it’s with someone he would be with forever. Some of his immediate family is very religious so I also asked if he wanted to be with a Christian girl and he said it was something he’s thought about, but that it was ok that I wasn’t religious.

    I went out of town for a few days and we texted each other everyday. When I got back we saw each other 4 out of 5 days. He said he wouldn’t rush sex because he knew I was conservative and old fashioned and that it would be better so we could build a better foundation. About our tenth date and a month into knowing each other, he initiated getting intimate. I’m not very experienced so it didn’t go that well. After that, things changed and we didn’t have as much contact. We talked and he said he didn’t see a future for us because 1) he didn’t want kids anymore and didn’t want to take that away from me. He said it was a great experience that I should have 2) He said the Bible says he should be with someone of the same faith. He said God is his foundation for everything and we didn’t have the same foundation. 3) we had different levels of experience with intimacy and affection with him having more of both. He said that at our age it was different that I wasn’t that experienced. He said the first two reasons had been on his mind the whole time. We seemed to get along really well so I’m just really hurt and confused. Do you think he was saying these things to let me down easier because he lost interest? Was it mostly because of sex? Did he have vaild reasons? Thank you.

  26. @Carrie….We’re sorry. But honestly, he may be doing you a favor. Because it’s clear these were issues for him from the get go. Which means, that even if things did go well in the bedroom the issues would have come up down the road and by that time you’d have invested a considerable amount of time into the relationship and it would be much harder then. We’re not saying it’s easy now. We understand how hard breakups or hopeful possibilities can be. He may be saying these things to you because he didn’t feel you were compatible in the bedroom but we can assure that even if you were they’d come up at some point. We’re sorry. That’s the best we can explain it. Remember, that each new relationship provides new insight into ourselves. It gives us a better understanding of what we need from a partner and a relationship. Learn from it and move on. Take care.

  27. Thanks for the response. I just wanted to clarify, so you think his reasoning of kids and religion were valid and would have come up sooner or later? Why did he tell me he wanted kids and religion didn’t matter when those are part of the reason he ended things? I just feel very misled especially when he came on so strong.

  28. @Carrie……..We truly are sorry. We know this is hard. Here’s the thing: If a guy thinks there’s a ton of potential for the future he’ll be willing to work with a woman on the sex piece. (If he’s very attracted to her of course.) So to clarify. Let’s say the sex isn’t stellar because the woman is inexperienced. If the guy thinks she’s perfect in many other ways he’ll give it a chance for a bit. But if he’s already doubting the relationship ,and the sex isn’t what he hoped, it’s more likely that he’ll make a quicker judgement and move on.

  29. Are there guys out there who are ok with a girl not having much experience with sex? I’m not going to sleep around
    with any guy to get experience. I want to be intimate with someone I
    feel like I have a future with and I haven’t run into many guys that I see a future with leading to my inexperience.

  30. @Carrie…..If a guy thinks you’re hot, or amazing in other ways, we can’t see why he would care. And anyway, most men define good sex this way: Enthusiasm, willingness to try new things, able to have an orgasm….with him of course. (Probably in that order.) And honestly, the only thing that you wouldn’t know you could do would be the last. But if you can get yourself off, you probably can do it with a guy. Also, most guys are less experienced and less knowledgeable than they let on.

  31. Hi it’s me again and it’s been a week and a few days and I feel like I’m lost again this Saturday my ex invited me out because he missed me and we hooked up that night and for that night everything felt good again I felt like just maybe we would be ok but it was short lived he still doesn’t want to get back with me but why he says he misses me and that he loves me and he still wants to see me he just doesn’t want to get back together and part of me enjoys that we talk now but the other part wants to run away and hide because I feel like I’m hurting myself ALOT!!! I just don’t understand I just don’t why he doesn’t want me anymore and I’m looking for an apartment and he offered to be my roommate sounds like more pain and misery too me is it??? And why is this happening too me why??? Please help

  32. @Erin……You can’t keep letting him back in. He’s taking advantage of you. He wants sex from you. And he knows he can get it if he just acts charming. Not cool. This is happening to you because you’re letting it happen. You need to be strong and understand that this isn’t going anywhere. Remember, you deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Don’t accept less. Hang in there.

  33. @Erin……You can’t keep letting him back in. He’s taking advantage of you. He wants sex from you. And he knows he can get it if he just acts charming. Not cool. This is happening to you because you’re letting it happen. You need to be strong and understand that this isn’t going anywhere. Remember, you deserve to have someone who loves and respects you. Don’t accept less.

  34. He said he just wants to be friends with me idk what to do I enjoy talking to him well I be able to move on and talk to him at the same time ??? I Just feel like there’s got to be a way we can still talk and move on at the same time he was my best friend and believe me I’m mourning the loss but after we saw eachother I feel like my world came crashing down wayyy down like worst than him breaking up with me I think knowing he loves me but won’t take me back makes it 10000000 times worse for me.

  35. So myself and my boyfriend just broke up after two months, I know this seems short but things moved very very quickly for us. We’re seventeen and from the moment I met him I fell immediately in love with him, he was perfect.I was treated like an absolute princess and he put such effort into me, he brought me to parties, introduced me to his family and friends,everything he did was genuine. We’d even call each other or Skype every night of the week that we didn’t see each other. One thing i knew for sure though was that i was never clingy and never ever robbed him of his independence because i was always quite worried about it pushing him away. I started noticing differences in him only about two weeks ago but i still knew he cared. After quite a tense week or two, not really speaking or seeing eachother much, he asked whether we should just ‘leave things’.I told him if that’s what he was happier with, his reply was that he didn’t think he’d honestly be happier but it was just crappy barely talking, he then went on to tell me he didn’t want to lose me at all because we’re so close and that he still wanted us to be BEST FRIENDS. I don’t really know where to go on from here. Our relationship has been where we’d communicate EVERYDAY and that is no exaggeration, i can imagine this having quite a negative effect on the relationship as it was probably quite smothering for both of us. My real question is, is there anyway i can bring him back to being my boyfriend again? while he is still a part of my life and I don’t see him as often anymore, but he still contacts me frequently so i dont think he’s lost all feelings towards me. I just really really miss him in that way, how would i approach trying to get him back? Do you think he actually does miss me?

    Thanks GUYS

  36. @Kate……We get this question a lot. We’re really sorry. There’s not much we can say, or that you can do. He’s got to realize what he’s missing and come back on his own. He should be the one initiating any sort of reconciliation. If you try to get him back it’s likely you’ll just push him away. Be patient and see what happens. We know that’s hard. Hopefully he’ll realize that he gave up a great thing. Hang in there.

  37. I met this guy at my Ex’s birthday party. It seems he was placed in my life in perfect timing because I was in a very unhealthy relationship. We met that night and he texted me the next day asking me on a date. Since then we texted everyday, and hung out a lot. He is a very attractive guy and has a very fun personality so he himself admits it’s easy for him to get girls but I was different. We didn’t kissed till 3 months into talking, I took things real slow and that’s what intrigue him the most. He blew me away with his humor and how kind he was. Always taking me out, talked about the future alot…. Pretty much treated me like every girl dreamed guys would (He has a past with his ex girlfriend of five years which IT IS just about to be a year since they broke up) it seems we forced each other to make it official and got intimate soon after but a month later, he broke things off! Claiming that he realized that he wasnt ready for a relationship and that he needs to focus on work. I can’t seem to want to understand. We were so intune with each other, always kept each other laughing….. I did everything right this time. I feel I guess I wasn’t his type of girl cause after a couple of weeks of breaking up he has gone out on dates and never texts me unless I do. When I did ask him why he left, he saids he wasnt focused on work, missed hanging out with his friends, and that he was too independent to worry about anybody else BUT YET he has time to go out on dates and Etc. probably talking to them everyday. I guess what I’m tryin to ask is…. Do you guys think he will be back? Was I just not his type?

  38. @Sue…We’re sorry. But no, we don’t think he’ll be back. We’re not sure why he broke it off with you, but something was missing for him. And guys need to be intimate with a woman to know how they really feel, so it makes sense that this happened soon after you made it official and started getting intimate. Understand, that we’re not saying he judged you by the sex, but instead, he judged how he felt after the sex, and how he felt when his hormones quieted down. Before that it was all foreplay for him. The talking, the flirting, the humor, etc. After a guy has sex, then he has a clear head to decide what he really wants and needs. If that makes sense. We’re sorry, but we wouldn’t wait around for this to change. But it’s your call. Good luck and take care.

  39. Why do guys feel the need to lie? And not be honest with me. When he saids he’s not ready and wants to focus on works, gives me hope that maybe he needs space to himself. After we broke up we kept in touch, casual sex and when I thought things were going back he told me he was afraid that if I joined the military he didn’t want a long distance relationship cause then he will like more and it will be hard in him. He saids I am a good girl, he could see himself moving in with me. That made me feel good but tool is no where. So I pushed it and kept insisting I didn’t wanna be a chick he just had sex with, he insists that I was the only girl but that change as soon as I kept pushing it to make it official. Now he won’t text me unless I do….

  40. @Sue…..We’re sorry. We won’t go so far as to generalize about guys and lying, but clearly you’re not getting the whole truth from this particular guy. We stand by our original advice. Might be time to move on.

  41. My boyfriend broke up with me and told me that he loves me “as a person” but doesn’t see a relationship for us anymore. What does that mean?

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