My boyfriend of three years goes on an annual week long camping trip with a couple of his guy friends, former college roommates, one of whom I’ve never met. (He lives in another state). His “to do list” for the trip—he didn’t know I saw it—included non-lubricated condoms—we don’t use them in this supposedly exclusive relationship—and Tinder. Wow, yea I think he’s having sex with these guys or women (Tinder) on these trips. He gets high often and that’s when he definitely wants to have sex at home, so I assume he’s looking for it when he’s high with these guys. I asked him about it, having sex on these trips, his response was defensive. He’s uptight about sex in general, won’t share details of masturbation with me even though I have disclosed details of how I do masturbate. I’m concerned about STD’s. He claims the condoms are part of his emergency kit for camping. Am I over thinking this one? Tinder?
Thanks for your question.
Overthinking?!! Are you kidding? Actually, it seems pretty straightforward, don’t you think?
What emergency would you need condoms for, other than to protect yourself from getting a woman pregnant, or preventing an STD from a sex partner, female or male? We’ve been camping plenty of times and never needed emergency condoms unless we were hoping to get lucky. And Tinder!? Frankly, Tinder, is just an easy way to find available people in the nearby vicinity. Put the two together and we’re coming up with the same conclusion as you.
That said: Now what? You’ve discovered something by chance, or by snooping, or by some means. Now that you’ve uncovered damning evidence, what’s your plan? He hasn’t actually done something wrong yet, but he’s certainly preparing for the possibility. Of course, it is possible that this has been going on annually and you’re now just discovering it. (Although we don’t know that, and don’t want to presume. You would know better than we would.)
So, we can’t say exactly what the course of action should be, but we will say this: just because you discovered something without his knowledge doesn’t mean you can’t bring it up now. It would be one thing if you snooped, didn’t find anything, and then he discovered you were snooping around and felt betrayed. But the fact is, you did find something, and now all bets are off. Trying to keep this from him might not be the best idea. It’s only going to come to the surface at some point. BUT……if you do bring it up, expect things to escalate. Once you open up this can of worms, it’s difficult to predict how this will go. He could feel remorseful and apologize and it could take your relationship to the next level. (That is if you’re able to forgive and move on.) Or….it could end the relationship. Of course, relationships are built on trust. If that’s not there, the rest doesn’t mean much.
We’re sorry. This really sucks. But at least you know now. (Suspecting, but not-knowing is the worst.)
Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. And hang in there.
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