Why is boyfriend accessing online dating site?

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Dear Guys,

I have been seeing a guy for a month and a half. We’ve seen each other 12 times… dates and general visiting each other. He texts me briefly once or twice a day, which makes me feel he isn’t interested. We’ve had sex three different times, last of which was two days ago. I spent the night with him after our date. Next morning he took me to breakfast and we watched the football game with his friends. We have not had the “are we exclusive” talk. Advice I’ve read says to wait for him to bring it up. But it’s driving me crazy. He’s still accessing his dating profile every couple days. Online anonymous search, cause yes I have trust issues which I am working on. If he’s not interested, why would he introduce me to his close friends? If he is interested, why is he still accessing that silly site?


Dear Gina,

We have a different opinion than other relationship sites on your situation. You definitely don’t want to ask your guy to define the relationship after a few dates, but we do think it needs to happen at roughly the same time you start having sex. No, we’re not saying that sex should be a bargaining chip. (Never a good idea) But understand that once a guy is having sex, he may be less motivated to take the relationship to the next level. (Some depends on what he’s looking for in his life.)

However, you’re not just an observer here Gina. What you want and need is also important. So many women believe they must follow the guy’s lead in order to keep him, but the truth is, he’ll respect you more if you assert yourself. Like we said, there’s a time and place to bring it up, and there’s a way of talking about it that doesn’t feel like pressure. You need to figure out the best way to do this—we can provide suggestions if you want—but definitely keep the conversation away from the bedroom.(Morning coffee perhaps. Lunch. A nice walk. When you’re both in a relaxed state.)

From what you describe, he definitely is investing time into seeing you and communicating with you. Two to three texts daily is actually pretty solid communication. Maybe his communication is not off the charts, but it’s more consistent than most guys, and it shows us that he’s thinking about you, or at least he’s thinking about your feelings and needs. All good signs.

That said, maybe give it a few more weeks, through the holidays, and see if he brings up the future of your relationship. Try to get him talking by asking him some general questions like: What are your plans for your career? Other aspirations for your life? See if you fit into the future he describes. If, in the new year, the relationship is not yet defined, then it might be time to bring it up. Understand that we can’t predict what he’ll do or say. It could backfire and he could feel pressured. But if that happens, the relationship was likely never going to evolve into something more meaningful anyway. (Two months is plenty of time to figure out if he wants to give a relationship a try.)

What are your thoughts? Leave us a comment or follow up question. Use comments section below. (You must be logged in to do so.)

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Take care and happy holidays,


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2 Comments on Why is boyfriend accessing online dating site?

  1. Why would my husband be on dating sites?and he’s status be IT’S COMPLICATED and LIVING ALONE.

  2. @Claudia…..We can’t think of a good reason. Have you talked to him about your discovery? (And how did you discover this?)

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