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Why is he hiding me from his family? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

Other questions about dating across cultures: 

Why is he hiding our relationship from his family? 

Cultural Differences Part 1: Am I booty call? 

Cultural differences Part 2: Am I getting played? 

Different cultures; more than friends, less than lovers

Cross-cultural relationship; east meets west

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend is Asian. Let me just get that out of the way. We’ve dated for five months. His mother was Hispanic (I’m half white, half Hispanic) and his father is Asian. His mother died when he was still young, but his father remarried to an Asian. He hides me from everyone on the Asian side of the family, but lets the other half know about me all the time. He pretends we’re not together. I’ve tried talking but he just feels like it’s completely normal and okay to hide me. I’ve been distressed about this, but I’m trying to put it behind me. I need a little closure.

I love him so much and I know five months is still very young, but I just am the happiest person when we’re together.
I just am desperately looking for some sort of lifeline. Advice?

Amanda

Dear Amanda,

Thanks for your question. Why are you trying to put this issue behind you? This is not something you brush under the carpet. It’s a serious issue.

So does he know that this bothers you? (We can’t imagine he doesn’t.) But if not, you need to have a conversation with him immediately. If he’s embarrassed of you, or afraid that his father’s family will not approve of you, then how is the relationship really going to move forward? If he was truly serious about you he’d be telling everyone he knows about you. That’s what guys do. They are eager to show off their new girl to their friends and family. (Although, admittedly, sometimes the family introduction is a bit trickier.) But being nervous about introducing your new partner to your family, is different than intentionally hiding her. That’s what’s going on here.

We’ll be honest with you here. When a guy acts like this from the onset, it doesn’t usually end up well. Meaning, if he truly is hiding you, and really thinks that’s okay, we don’t see this relationship lasting for the long-term. Yes, you might force him to introduce you, but if he’s this uncomfortable now, and bowing to the pressure he feels from his father, do you really think he’ll go against his wishes when push comes to shove? (Like something more serious like marriage.) Not likely. (Please read some of the other posts on this topic above, and the comments beneath each of those posts. You’re not alone in this situation.)

We’re sorry. We wish we could be more uplifting and throw you that lifeline you were speaking of. But frankly, we think you need to hear what your gut is already telling you. And please understand this is coming from a supportive place, even though it may be hard to hear.

What do you think? What’s your plan? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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10 Comments on Why is he hiding me from his family? (Relationship and Dating Advice)

  1. Hi im a muslim girl and im going through a lot of trouble right now with this guy. Basically we met in my first year of uni and we became really good friends and I fell for him. I kinda knew he liked me back and he did weird things like ignore me around his friends but be into me when we’re alone.i gathered this was because he is a very shy and reserved guy and has never had a gf before too. In second year we randomly just stopped talking and then he got in touch via facebook saying how he feels bad that we haven’t spoken. And I said yh I know I don’t get why youre ignoring me all the time. Anyway we made up and became close again. he admitted he had feelings for me and I said I did too. He’s muslim too btw. So obviously we knew we cant actually date etc as it would lead us to do wrong thing. We agreed to get to know each other more in this light then make a decision on whether to tell our parents. I was in such a happy place and we went out for a ‘date’.
    However he leaned in and kissed me and I realised that I don’t want to do this unless I know he’s actually committing. I told him how I felt that same evening and he started being vague saying ‘les just see what happens and don’t over think things’. I felt really crap inside and I was so heartbroken because I pinned my hopes on this guy to give me a future. Anyway we agreed to stay away from each other and to stop all contact. I deleted him off facebook and his number. the rest of uni was probably the hardest few months of my life, I still saw him around and id just die inside.
    Its third year now and I was in a good place knowing that he’d never talk to me again I didn’t have any expectations. However in October he got intouch with me via facebook apologising saying he’s sorry for everything and he never meant any of it to happen. I was so confused and told myself I wouldn’t reply to it as it was just too late for an apology now. But I really did want to just make up with him cos I still think about him all the time and miss him so much it kills me.
    I replied a week later saying I was confused about this and he told me he knows its late but hes made a mistake and hes sorry. I felt even more crap like he just came to tell me he made a mistake with me. I asked him if he wanted to talk cos I hate doing things online as its better to speak face-to-face. He didn’t reply so I left it. I became angry again and upset and its not fair that he gets to have these confrontations and I don’t get to sya my side. So I found him at uni and asked him if this was it now, is it over now? Do I not need to worry about him coming back again? I think I caught him off guard and he was mumbling words. I walked away cos it just wasn’t making sense. He inboxed me that same evening explaining everything saying how hes still not over me but we cant be friends because he doesn’t want to give me false hope. He told me he cant give me the future I want at the moment. I told him its ok I’ll accept it. I thought things were fine I got my closure and I could move on.
    Its been a month 3 weeks now since our last conversation and we said we’d never speak again. my parents have introduced me to this guy who likes me and wants to start a future with me in a year or two but I cant get this uni guy out of my head. I think about him all the time and I honestly didn’t even know I fell this hard. Getting to knw this new guy my parents found for me made me realise how much I actually want to be with the uni guy. Im debating whether to talk to him one last time but I don’t think it would make sense to since he’s told me via facebook inbox that he cant give me what I want and also he’s blocked me now. It feels like he’s moving on and im still stuck in this place. Im so broken up inside, I cant even function at the moment. Its worse than it was before. I dono whether to talk to him or not, he might think im just not moving on but I dno what else to do. He wont talk to me in person though he keeps inboxing instead. I want him to say to my face that he cant give me what I want. Im so broken up please just tell me what to do with this guy?! And what is going through his head?!

  2. @Nad…..We’re really sorry you’re so hurt and confused. But to us, this is very clear. The two of you are not on the same page, and it’s unlikely he’s going to change his mind. It’s his inconsistent communication and mixed-signals that tell us he’s not serious about you. Maybe he was lonely, or wanted sex, or something and that’s why he was contacting you again; but overall, he’s being pretty clear that he can’t give you what you want. So there’s no need to hear it from him face-to-face. However, there’s another issue. Just because this guy isn’t the one, doesn’t mean the guy your parents introduced to you is the one either. We understand that in certain cultures parents are involved in picking a prospective partner, but it’s possible that the reason you’re missing this uni guy so much is the fact that you’re not that into this new guy. What do you think? Any more questions? Ask away. ps. We hope you’ll share our site with all of your friends. Follow us on Twitter; @TGPBuzz. And take a moment to help a fellow reader. Please VOTE on our Ask our Audience page. Thanks!

  3. I posted a question but noticed that you said my question will get answered quicker if I leave it as a comment.
    I’ll try not to go into too much detail but some will be needed to answer my question.
    My husband and I got married in August. We dated for 2 years and I always had problems with his mom. Although she got worse after we got married. Things happened and she got crazier, meaner, and more controlling and basically asked him to choose me or her, he chose her, which absolutely tore me apart.
    We’ve been separated since October and he filed for divorce in November. He has changed his mind several times but now seems to have made a decision considering I haven’t heard from him since Thanksgiving. He seems to be afraid of crossing his mom.
    At one point he blocked me from seeing his facebook which I was okay with and I was ready to move on. Then he unblocks me and I then realize he still has pictures of us and a picture of me saying that I”m his girl up on his facebook and he is still friends with all of my family even though none of them talk to him and some of them are or were mean to him. Some say its a guy thing and most guys don’t consider that and/or he left pictures up because he hasn’t had the chance to take them down but he’s had time to check facebook, block and unblock me, change his relationship status. So why not take down those pictures. I mean why would you want to keep pictures of your ex on facebook for other girls to see.
    Needless to say I’m here hoping that you can shed some light and help me understand why he has unblocked me, kept pictures up of us, and has continued to stay friends with my family. I get we aren’t legally divorced but he has made it loud and clear that he is done with me.
    Please help me. I need some sort of answer.

  4. @Amy…….We’re sorry. This is tough. However, we’re having a strong reaction to your post. We know feelings don’t just disappear overnight, but remember, your husband chose his mom over you? Is he really someone you want back? We hate to say it, but unless he’s using this as a convenient excuse to get divorced—he might be—any guy who chooses their mom over their wife is not mature enough to be in a real relationship. For his own sake, he needs to break away from his mom, gain some independence, mature a bunch, and then he might be ready. But this is unlikely to happen honestly, or if it does, it could take a long, long time. As per your question. We can’t read his mind, but if we were you, we wouldn’t read much into it. ps.Thanks for sharing our site with all of your friends. We appreciate it! Take a moment to help a fellow reader and VOTE on our Ask our Audience page.

  5. I have another question for you guys. When a guy puts on a dating site that they’re looking for friendship or a relationship are they really interested in friendship. Most join dating sites for relationships so if a guy puts friendship on there too is that really what he is looking for.

  6. @Amy…..We can’t imagine that’s what he’s looking for—friendship. It’s probably to make himself seem less threatening, or to let women know he’s not necessarily looking for something serious. Hope that helps.

  7. thanks for the response. i guess you are right and i need to really let go but it hurts so bad. and i just don’t get why he still has to be near me around campus. he’ll choose somewhere near me in the library or in our class that we have together he’ll sit directly opposite me and also he keeps unblocking me and blocking me on facebook. i know i too need to stop stalking and noticing but i can’t help it when all this shows me he still clearly thinks about me. :-\ why can’t we just be together

  8. @nad…..We’re sorry. Hang in there.

  9. Dear Guys,
    I was with my boyfriend for a short time (2 months) when we were together. He was a different cultural ethnicity, he was a Mexican Hispanic and I was Haitian. We started off as friends and we would talk everyday. Before we started dating we talked about our different ethnicities before being in a romantic relationship. He was so obsessed with me, he was very attracted to me and he wanted me to give him a chance because he didn’t want to lose a kind, sweet, smart, and beautiful girl like me. He was my first boyfriend, I’ve never dated before him. Then when we started dating he was very sweet in the beginning of the relationship but he would always suggest “meeting” him somewhere in order for us to hang out at a place where we wouldn’t see any of his friends or family. Because they didn’t know about me yet. I thought it was because the relationship was too early but when I asked he said it was because he didn’t want his mom to get upset that he had a gf. We were both 19 at the time and still lived with family. But being the blind, stupid, and naive fool I was, I stayed with him. Time and time after that we continued to meet in secret to hangout. Even when we’d go out he never showed that he claimed me as his gf, it looked like we were just friends hanging out. We’d go out to eat and to the mall but he never kissed me, held my hand, or even hugged me in public. But when we would be alone or in the dark, he’d be all over me. When I asked him about this he said it’s because he didn’t like PDA. Which was probably a lie. On social media, he never put it out that he was in a relationship with me, he was keeping it a secret. 🙁 He wouldn’t even post pictures of us together, it would be just of me. The last time we were together was when we went out to a festival. I had wanted to hold his hand, so I did. And when I held his hand in public, he became so uncomfortable and quickly let go of it, then moved away from me 🙁 (in front of other people!) It was so humiliating I wanted to cry. :,( also that night, he had me sit in the car for 45 mins so I could listen to his life story about this beautiful beautiful girl he was once interested in and how he regret not dating her. And He wanted to catch up with her and see if things can get better between them. Idk if he was joking or not but It was very hurtful that he was telling me about this (as his gf). He ended up waking up 2 days later texting me saying that we should Just be friends because he lost his spark and that we are just too different to be with each other, and that we don’t click, and all this BS, and that he’s uncomfortable being with me. (My first break up over the phone! ) because he was too “busy” to meet with me and talk to me. I was very hurt. I feel like a fool telling all my friends and close cousins about him, when he only told his brother and his niece about me. He then texted me saying that he wanted to be friends and that he’ll always be here for me but that we just couldn’t be together romantically anymore. After that he’d always text me, and he’d always find a reason to text me (on our anniversary date). It was like he didn’t even care at all. He said he didn’t want to hurt me in the future so it’s better we stop dating now. It’s been 3 months now, and I hear he’s dating this other girl now and he’s proud to show her up in his profile and claim her, and she’s Hispanic but not Mexican. So what was the real reason beside this because he always talked about how he’s always wanted to be with a Haitian girl and how his mom wanted him to be with a Haitian girl as well. He gave me high hopes, promised me a future, and to always be there for me and fed me all those lies just to end up breaking my heart. it’s hard to trust/believe people now and I’m still unsure about his perspective, what was he thinking? Was I some sort of experiment?

  10. @Kailah….We are sorry. It’s hard feeling like you’ve been used and then discarded. But there is something to learn from this. You talk about how difficult it is to trust people, and maybe more difficult now. But here’s the thing. Yes, he lied to you and told you things you wanted to hear, but the person you need to learn to trust is YOU. Does that makes sense? Your gut told you that something wasn’t right. As soon as he started making excuses you knew something wasn’t right. So our advice to you is simple: It isn’t others that you have to learn to trust again, it’s yourself. Trust you gut and we think you’ll be fine. And one more point. Young guys are typically not sure of what they want. It takes them a while to mature. Longer than women. Any more questions? ps. We hope you’ll spread the word about our site. Thanks.

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