Other questions about dating across cultures:
My boyfriend is Asian. Let me just get that out of the way. We’ve dated for five months. His mother was Hispanic (I’m half white, half Hispanic) and his father is Asian. His mother died when he was still young, but his father remarried to an Asian. He hides me from everyone on the Asian side of the family, but lets the other half know about me all the time. He pretends we’re not together. I’ve tried talking but he just feels like it’s completely normal and okay to hide me. I’ve been distressed about this, but I’m trying to put it behind me. I need a little closure.
I love him so much and I know five months is still very young, but I just am the happiest person when we’re together.
I just am desperately looking for some sort of lifeline. Advice?
Thanks for your question. Why are you trying to put this issue behind you? This is not something you brush under the carpet. It’s a serious issue.
So does he know that this bothers you? (We can’t imagine he doesn’t.) But if not, you need to have a conversation with him immediately. If he’s embarrassed of you, or afraid that his father’s family will not approve of you, then how is the relationship really going to move forward? If he was truly serious about you he’d be telling everyone he knows about you. That’s what guys do. They are eager to show off their new girl to their friends and family. (Although, admittedly, sometimes the family introduction is a bit trickier.) But being nervous about introducing your new partner to your family, is different than intentionally hiding her. That’s what’s going on here.
We’ll be honest with you here. When a guy acts like this from the onset, it doesn’t usually end up well. Meaning, if he truly is hiding you, and really thinks that’s okay, we don’t see this relationship lasting for the long-term. Yes, you might force him to introduce you, but if he’s this uncomfortable now, and bowing to the pressure he feels from his father, do you really think he’ll go against his wishes when push comes to shove? (Like something more serious like marriage.) Not likely. (Please read some of the other posts on this topic above, and the comments beneath each of those posts. You’re not alone in this situation.)
We’re sorry. We wish we could be more uplifting and throw you that lifeline you were speaking of. But frankly, we think you need to hear what your gut is already telling you. And please understand this is coming from a supportive place, even though it may be hard to hear.
What do you think? What’s your plan? Feel free to ask as many follow-up questions as you’d like.
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