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Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

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Hello Guys 🙂

My boyfriend is Indian and I am a Chinese/Indian girl. We have been going out for 5 months. He does not hide our relationship from friends on Facebook, but he hides it from his family members. He told me his family members know about us, but his mother got mad at him for posting photos of the two of us just smiling together and having lunch together. Since his mum got mad at him, he’s hid his relationship status on Facebook so he won’t get into any more trouble.

What should I do? And what does this tell you?

Thank you!

Kindest regards,

Sarah 🙂

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question. But our question to you is: What does this tell YOU?

As we’ve said in previous posts, hiding a relationship is usually a big red flag. Read this previous post. In your case it sounds like your guy cares about you, but if he’s succumbing to pressure from his mom—enough to remove his relationship status from Facebook so he won’t upset his family—we  don’t see this boding well for the future.

Typically guys with a little bit of a backbone stand up immediately to their parents and say, “This is the woman I love and the woman I plan on being with. So get over to it.” Your guy isn’t doing this. In fact he’s afraid of getting in trouble. We’re not sure what that’s all about? If he’s old enough to be in a serious and committed relationship he’s old enough to stand up for himself. Sure, we realize there are certain expectations for him to marry an Indian girl, probably of his parents’ choosing, but he still should be making his own decisions about his life. If he’s not going to do this then you need to ask yourself if you want to be with a guy whose parents are going to dictate what decisions he makes in his life.

We think you need to start assessing and asserting what you want, and what you need. It’s best to do it sooner rather than later. If the relationship continues, you don’t want to feel resentful down the road that you no longer have a “voice” in any decisions.

Good luck,

THE GUYS

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5 Comments on Why is he hiding our relationship from his family?

  1. Hi Guys,
    I hope this is a good way to reach you as well – I see other people asking questions in the comment section! But I’m writing because my ex is confusing me and my conversations with friends tend to go in cycles which inevitably lead to some form of trash-talking him so I tend to avoid bringing him in conversations. We dated for almost five years and I broke up with him about 2 years ago. We had a devastating break up because not only were we living together but he was already ring shopping for me because he planned on proposing to me at the end of the summer. I had no idea he was thinking that! We had a lot of problems in our relationship though that only got worse over the years (ie – he had cheated on me with my friend and I was frustrated that he didn’t want me to continue with grad school) so I didn’t expect him to be in the marriage mindset. But that said, we did always enjoy each other’s company – mentally we click better than I’ve clicked with anyone before. That’s the only part of our relationship that I miss. So anywayyyy, we have tried really hard to try to be friends and put the past aside and in general we succeeded in that and we have both been dating other people. So I was happy with how things are between us and a couple months ago I was at a restaurant and I actually ran into him and his new girlfriend (they have been together now for four months). I hadn’t seen him in ages so I went over and said hi, introduced myself to his girlfriend and of course, as I continued to chat with them I realized it was awkward! So I parted ways and met up with my other friends. He told me later that I should’ve just said hi and then left, and in hindsight yes that would’ve made more sense I guess. I messaged him on FB the next week to ask him if he felt awkward and no response. I tried a couple other times to contact him over the course of over a month (not stalking I swear lol) and no response. I know him well enough to know when he is avoiding and I knew he was avoiding me. So I emailed him and asked him if I had offended him or his girlfriend when I ran into them. He did finally call me and told me no but then he told me that he bought her a ring and is planning to propose so I would find out more via FB but that we shouldn’t be in contact anymore. He says it’s because he wouldn’t want his girlfriend talking to her exes and he shouldn’t be talking to me, at least for now. It makes me feel as though I’m an old t-shirt he keeps in the back of his closet only to wear it when he knows that nobody will see him in it. And that’s not how I treat him. So I suggested deleting myself off of his FB and untagging him in our pics but he doesn’t want me to do that. Which makes no sense! If he doesn’t wants me off the radar, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want me to unfriend him. Now that he’s told me that he doesn’t want to unfriend him I don’t want to do so because I don’t want to rock the boat but at the same time, I really don’t want to see pictures of their engagement and her ring. (She posts everything!) I don’t regret breaking up with him, it was the right thing to do. Even when I was dating him, my friends and co-workers would tell me I could do better but it’s hard to believe when I see him dating someone younger than me who is quite pretty. A part of me wonders if there is a part of him that would want to get back together. He always told me that the only reason a guy keeps in touch with a girl or stays friends with a girl is because he wants to hook up with her… but I think we’re passed that. I had been dating another guy for quite some time, and my ex didn’t know that while he has been dating this new girl I had actually broken up with this last guy. I didn’t tell my ex about that until our phone conversation after he told me about his soon-to-be engagement and seemed taken aback. So… why do you think he wants to not be in communication but not cut off all ties?? Thank you! Jaclyn

  2. Olivia Nelson // June 23, 2013 at 1:17 pm //

    Hey, guys! Me and my boyfriend of 8 months just broke up 4 days ago. When i asked about me giving his stuff back, he just said keep it. Its a sweatshirt. I figured that he would give it another girl but he said that he just needs time. I need help! Whats going to happen next?

  3. @Olivia….What do you mean? Probably what’s going to happen is the breakup process will continue. It could be a long haul, it could be fast.

  4. What you guys need to understand about indian and paki mothers is they emotionally blackmail thr kids.. for example if thr son fall in love with a girl they dnt like even if that girl belongs to thr own country and religion they will emotionally blackmail the sons like i will die if u marry that girl i am so sick bla bla bla. Mothers from ind and pak are way dif then mothers from other countries

  5. @Tina…..Thank you for sharing. We are aware of the manipulation you are referring to, and yes, that might make it more difficult for a son to go against her wishes. Yet, he’s still got to decide how he wants to live his life. This applies to men AND women. If a guy succumbs to the pressures of his mother, it could also mean he’s not 100% committed to the woman he’s with, regardless of the culture/ethnicity/religion.

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