So I’ve read some posts on your site and I appreciate some of the advice you’ve given to others so I’m hoping you can help me with my problem.
This guy and I have been BEST friends for about eight years now. About four years ago we started fooling around which led to us losing our virginity with each other. We continued to have “casual” sex up to the present. The problem is that I am in love with him. We share everything and we have a TON of things in common. (Interests, humor, etc.) We have a strong emotional connection and have fulfilling (and great!) sex. I’ve always believed that the best relationships start with strong friendships.
He has often said that we’ll get married one day and he tells other friends that “it will happen one day” when they ask him why we aren’t together. But he says that he isn’t romantically attracted to me, which I don’t understand, since we do plenty of romantic things when he’s not in another relationship. (And actually he and I have even had sex when he had other girlfriends. I know this makes me a horrible person but I let my heart lead my logic head and I did it anyway. I’m truly sorry)
All the people close to me say it’s because he’s afraid to lose me as a friend and that he’s just not ready for us yet because he feels so strongly and doesn’t want to admit it. But I have a hard time believing that because it sounds like it came from a Rom-Com movie. I guess I need an objective opinion on the situation because I just don’t understand why I’m never an option when he’s looking for a girlfriend?
Even though he always “comes back” to me for sexual and emotional things while he’s with someone else. Why would he say he loves me and will marry me one day, but won’t date me now despite the great connection we have as friends and sexual partners? It always feels like we’ll finally get past “just friends” and then he gets a girlfriend. I see the chance for a wonderful relationship but I don’t know why it isn’t happening. Any advice?
Thanks for listening,
“Confused at 22”
Dear Confused at 22,
You’re smart to look for an objective opinion. Your friends want you to be happy so they’re telling you what you want to hear. And they mean well. Truly. But we have to respectfully disagree with them. We try to be as honest as we can here, so if our feedback seems a little harsh, understand that it comes from a supportive place.
When a guy is head over heels for a woman the first thing he wants to do is make sure he eliminates the competition. The most direct way to do this is to ask the woman he’s dating or having sex with to be his girlfriend.
It would be one thing if your guy wanted to be unencumbered by a relationship, and told you that when he was ready to get serious you’d be the one. (He is young.) But that’s not the case. Your guy is using you as an emotional and physical support. He leans on your friendship, has sex with you, and then when he decides he wants a girlfriend, he passes on you to search for someone else. Clearly, something must be missing for him, otherwise he’d have asked you to be his girl a long time ago. What he does instead is come back to you when he’s feeling down, or vulnerable, or hurt, and ask you to fill him up again.
Yikes! Serious red-flag. You need to look at his actions not listen to his words. He’s keeping you in a holding pattern. Or rather, you’re keeping yourself in one. Do you really want to be the woman who is always there, but is never seen as a serious contender for a relationship? Do you want to be the woman he finally settles on because he can’t find someone else? Because that’s where this is headed. He might finally decide on you but it won’t be because he thinks he hit the jackpot, it will be because the jackpot has eluded him.
Remember, he’s told you he isn’t romantically attracted to you already. What does that mean you ask? It means simply that he doesn’t see you as girlfriend potential. When a guy meets a girl he’s usually able to make a quick assessment as to what potential he sees if any. In general, there are four categories. 1. Long-term potential. 2. Friends with Benefits/Booty Call. 3. Friend to hang out with. (Sometimes this could turn into FWB) 4. No interest. Usually when a guy asks a woman to be his FWB he doesn’t see long-term potential, but he’s attracted enough to have sex. (You should check out our e-report on the very topic. FWB.)
Our advice: You need to give some serious thought to what you want to do here. If you decide to hang in there, then we do hope we’re wrong and it works out. But if you decide it’s time to move on, then you might not be able to be his friend, otherwise the pattern will likely keep repeating itself.
We wish you all the best,