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Why would he say such things to me after we had sex?

Dear Guys,

So I went out with this guy for three-and-a-half months. I was his first girlfriend but he wasn’t mine; however I liked him for two years before we started to go out. He asked me out after I told him I liked him and we texted each other for a while.

So after being together with him for two months I agreed to have sex. He and I were so close; we’d share everything. He’d share things with me that he’d never told anyone except for his best friend. We weren’t only a couple but also best friends and we said we loved each other all the time. He told me how he’d miss me the moment I would leave and he would dream about me. It was all going fine until his mother found out we had had sex.

She and his father told him that he must break up with me and not speak to me again. His mother decided once he finishes school at the end of the year that they are gonna move interstate. He called me one night and told me what they had said but he said he had no intention of doing so. We saw each other and talked and he cried a lot and said it was impossible to leave and why did he have to love me so much. The next day we saw each other again and talked more and I drove him home. His mother got really angry and that afternoon he broke up with me and then his mother forced him back into the house.

A week later I went and saw him at work, intending to speak to his mum and defend myself. He told me she was too upset and had made herself sick crying herself to sleep. We talked for a bit, he said he realized he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that he had to focus on his studies. We hugged and I left.

I called him two days later and he told me that he didn’t love me and he didn’t want to see or hear from me again. I don’t understand what happened? He and I were both of legal age of consent. How could he go through all that and then simply say such awful things? I am so confused. I still love him. What can I do?

Three weeks later I decided to go to his house and his mum answered the door. I asked her why and all she said was it doesn’t matter and that I have to move on and that he had. She said that she didn’t want anything to begin again and she didn’t want to get mad. I apologized for everything but she still wouldn’t tell me. I asked why she hated me and she insisted she didn’t. I kept asking why but she wouldn’t give me a reason and then she said to leave, shut the door and turned off the light.

My friend said that he should have a face-to-face conversation with me but he said he is over me and doesn’t want to see me. I’m crushed. I never thought I could feel so awful. I’m constantly crying and have a massive headache now. :'(

I’m so hurt and confused. I’ve never loved someone like this.

Alicia

Dear Alicia,

Thanks for your question. We’re sorry about how this has all turned out.

Clearly this guy’s mom plays a very influential role in his life.  (Actually both his parents.) Your guy still feels the need to gain her approval. Obviously she was not on board with your relationship, so instead of making his own decisions and going against her wishes he decided it was easiest to break up with you and move on. (Unless of course he’s using her as an excuse to hide the fact that he wanted to break up with you already. We actually don’t get that sense, but we wanted to put it out there anyway.)

You’ve heard the term “Mama’s Boy.” Typically that term is thrown around when a grown man allows his mother to weigh in on decisions that should no longer involve her. These guys also have a harder time forming their own relationships with women for fear of hurting their own mother. It’s hard for us to judge here and say for sure that your guy is falls into this category. (We don’t know the circumstances. We don’t know how old you both are. Etc.) But we’re getting a whiff of it. He should be making his own decisions, and not allowing his mother to dictate the course of his life. That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t seek advice from his parents, but we don’t believe they should be weighing in on his intimate relationships.

What’s also troubling is that he hasn’t had the decency to speak with you in person. Breaking up with someone over the phone is immature and unfair. And it shows a lack of courtesy and empathy. It also gives you a glimpse into how he handles difficult situations. Do you want a relationship with someone who runs when the going gets tough? Life is hard. Relationships are hard. Don’t you want someone you know you can trust and count on?

We’re sorry this has turned out this way, but unfortunately you’re not going to get the answers you’re looking for. His parents have spoken for him and that’s the way it’s going to be. We can only hope that someday he’ll want to explain this to you face-to-face. But that’s not going to happen until he’s ready to make his own decisions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

ps. Please let your friends know about us. Thanks!

Other questions about break ups: 

Breaking up

What do I do now? How can I leave my relationship?

Getting back together: Is it possible?

Was breaking up with him the right thing to do? 

 

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