I feel funny writing this but I am looking anywhere for answers and understanding.
My boyfriend of 2 years and I were having some conflicts and he started to push me away and stopped calling or wanting to see me as often. We had a reasonably healthy relationship in which we did our own things during the week and then hung out with one or the other of our families on the weekends. We always had a great time together and really were the best of friends. His sister-in-law is my best friend and she and his brother introduced us.
After many conversations of trying to “fix” our relationship, he would make plans with me and then wind up blowing me off by not following through or making other plans knowing I would get angry. This would lead to one argument after another.
He always seemed to regret doing this to me but I know that actions speak louder than words. A couple months back, our communication was not so strong anymore but he came to me one night and told me that he missed me – his best friend, he felt empty and PROMISED to fix us and tell me he loves me everyday for the rest of his life.
Unfortunately, things did not get better and we fell back into the same routine. I found myself turning into the helpless girl who was crying and begging. I always trusted this guy with everything and NEVER thought there was someone else BUT about 2 weeks ago I found out that although he was still telling me he loved me and seeing me, he has begun a relationship with a younger girl who is also a bartender at a cheap bar at the beach. I asked him a couple of times before I found this out if he was seeing someone else or if he considered himself single. He always said no and told me he didn’t want anyone else, he was just confused and didn’t know what he wanted but that he knew he wasn’t okay without me.
After I found out about this girl, she wrote me messages on facebook about how happy and in love they are and that I need to stay out of it because I don’t know him the way she does. The thing that throws me off is he was apologizing to me quite a bit for allowing us to get to this point before I found out…. then just the Saturday before I found out (on Tuesday) he called me crying and upset asking me how I felt about us, telling me that he missed me and loved me and that he is “never okay”.
I have not talked to him since the day I found out… he was very cold in our conversation and even tried to deny everything until he realized that he could not deny it as I had proof. I am still desperately in love with this man but I know that I deserve much better.
I have been working on moving on, going to therapy, going out and meeting new friends. Just this past weekend, 10 days after my world crumbled, he called me 3 times on Friday night… I didn’t answer or return his calls. He called me from a different number the following night 3 times in a row again. I have still not acknowledged his phone calls but I am dying inside. I want to talk to him and I want acknowledgement for how badly he has hurt me but I also want him to realize that he has screwed up and come back begging for my forgiveness.
The hardest part of all of this is this is NOT the person I knew… he would never hurt me or be unfaithful so I know he is going through something. Before things got bad between us, we were talking about our future and how we could each better ourselves to make our future more promising… he seemed on board with all of this telling me he did not want to ever be without me. I realize that he probably got very confused and scared because we were working and there was potential for a marriage and he decided he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted.
As much as I should not, I do want him. We were perfect together, perfect for eachother… the type of couple that people envied but both very stubborn. I typically did not give in to him and vise versa so as good as we were at being together, when we fought, we fought!
One thing that is important to me is that I realize I am the type of girl that a man should have to fight for so I’m not willing to give in without a major fight on his end. I am not pursuing anything and not calling or emailing. I have not even returned his calls from this weekend because I know he knows where I live and if he wants to talk he can come find me.
Am I being ridiculous to think that he will come crawling back or wake-up after he gets bored with this, as I consider it, rebound relationship?
Please give me advice.
Thank you in advance.
Thanks for writing to us. You’re not alone in feeling funny consulting strangers for relationship advice. But sometimes getting a more objective view is exactly what a person needs.
First of all, we’re very sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. To be pushed and pulled is never a good feeling.
You summed this up when you said it’s all about actions, not words. And that couldn’t be more true in your situation. Guys know how they feel, but sometimes they’re afraid to finally say it, or they’re not introspective enough to really understand how they’re feeling. Obviously this guy has feelings for you. He cares about you, and wishes he could be with you, but not in the way you think.
There’s a big difference between being head over heels in love, and loving someone. He might love you, but he’s not in love with you, otherwise he wouldn’t be putting you through this painful ordeal. So that’s what we mean when we say, he wishes he could be with you. What that really means is, he wishes he were in love with you so he could be with you. And from everything you’ve told us, and based on his actions, that does not seem to be the case.
LeAnne, you might be thinking, “These guys don’t really know him. These guys don’t really understand the situation.” That may or may not be true, but we do know guys, and the situation you’re describing is not so unfamiliar to us unfortunately.
You say you’re perfect for each other, but ask yourself why? What is he really giving you except mixed signals and angst? What are you getting from this?
Obviously you are a smart, reflective person. But sometimes emotions erase all evidence of “smarts” and make it difficult to truly see clearly. Please take a hard look at this “relationship.” If you keep hoping it will work out, we think you’re going to experience a lot of the same emotions and actions that are currently happening. If you decide that you need to move on, then please set clear boundaries with him: he can’t call you, he can’t text you, he can’t Facebook you, etc. Otherwise, you’re going to keep getting sucked back in.
We truly hope you can figure this out, and find happiness. We’re rooting for you. Let us know if we can help in any other way. And good luck.
ps. Please read the comments for more opinions on your situation.