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Will he come back?

Hey Guys,

I feel funny writing this but I am looking anywhere for answers and understanding.

My boyfriend of 2 years and I were having some conflicts and he started to push me away and stopped calling or wanting to see me as often.  We had a reasonably healthy relationship in which we did our own things during the week and then hung out with one or the other of our families on the weekends.  We always had a great time together and really were the best of friends.  His sister-in-law is my best friend and she and his brother introduced us.

After many conversations of trying to “fix” our relationship, he would make plans with me and then wind up blowing me off by not following through or making other plans knowing I would get angry.  This would lead to one argument after another.

He always seemed to regret doing this to me but I know that actions speak louder than words.  A couple months back, our communication was not so strong anymore but he came to me one night and told me that he missed me – his best friend, he felt empty and PROMISED to fix us and tell me he loves me everyday for the rest of his life.

Unfortunately, things did not get better and we fell back into the same routine.  I found myself turning into the helpless girl who was crying and begging.  I always trusted this guy with everything and NEVER thought there was someone else BUT about 2 weeks ago I found out that although he was still telling me he loved me and seeing me, he has begun a relationship with a younger girl who is also a bartender at a cheap bar at the beach.  I asked him a couple of times before I found this out if he was seeing someone else or if he considered himself single.  He always said no and told me he didn’t want anyone else, he was just confused and didn’t know what he wanted but that he knew he wasn’t okay without me.

After I found out about this girl, she wrote me messages on facebook about how happy and in love they are and that I need to stay out of it because I don’t know him the way she does.  The thing that throws me off is he was apologizing to me quite a bit for allowing us to get to this point before I found out…. then just the Saturday before I found out (on Tuesday) he called me crying and upset asking me how I felt about us, telling me that he missed me and loved me and that he is “never okay”.

I have not talked to him since the day I found out… he was very cold in our conversation and even tried to deny everything until he realized that he could not deny it as I had proof.  I am still desperately in love with this man but I know that I deserve much better.

I have been working on moving on, going to therapy, going out and meeting new friends.  Just this past weekend, 10 days after my world crumbled, he called me 3 times on Friday night… I didn’t answer or return his calls.  He called me from a different number the following night 3 times in a row again.  I have still not acknowledged his phone calls but I am dying inside.  I want to talk to him and I want acknowledgement for how badly he has hurt me but I also want him to realize that he has screwed up and come back begging for my forgiveness.

The hardest part of all of this is this is NOT the person I knew… he would never hurt me or be unfaithful so I know he is going through something.  Before things got bad between us, we were talking about our future and how we could each better ourselves to make our future more promising… he seemed on board with all of this telling me he did not want to ever be without me.  I realize that he probably got very confused and scared because we were working and there was potential for a marriage and he decided he didn’t know if that’s what he wanted.

As much as I should not, I do want him.  We were perfect together, perfect for eachother… the type of couple that people envied but both very stubborn.  I typically did not give in to him and vise versa so as good as we were at being together, when we fought, we fought!

One thing that is important to me is that I realize I am the type of girl that a man should have to fight for so I’m not willing to give in without a major fight on his end.  I am not pursuing anything and not calling or emailing.  I have not even returned his calls from this weekend because I know he knows where I live and if he wants to talk he can come find me.

Am I being ridiculous to think that he will come crawling back or wake-up after he gets bored with this, as I consider it, rebound relationship?

Please give me advice.

Thank you in advance.
LeAnne

Dear LeAnne,

Thanks for writing to us. You’re not alone in feeling funny consulting strangers for relationship advice. But sometimes getting a more objective view is exactly what a person needs.

First of all, we’re very sorry for the pain you’re experiencing.  To be pushed and pulled is never a good feeling.

You summed this up when you said it’s all about actions, not words. And that couldn’t be more true in your situation. Guys know how they feel, but sometimes they’re afraid to finally say it, or they’re not introspective enough to really understand how they’re feeling. Obviously this guy has feelings for you. He cares about you, and wishes he could be with you, but not in the way you think.

There’s a big difference between being head over heels in love, and loving someone. He might love you, but he’s not in love with you, otherwise he wouldn’t be putting you through this painful ordeal. So that’s what we mean when we say, he wishes he could be with you. What that really means is, he wishes he were in love with you so he could be with you. And from everything you’ve told us, and based on his actions, that does not seem to be the case.

LeAnne, you might be thinking, “These guys don’t really know him. These guys don’t really understand the situation.” That may or may not be true, but we do know guys, and the situation you’re describing is not so unfamiliar to us unfortunately.

You say you’re perfect for each other, but ask yourself why? What is he really giving you except mixed signals and angst? What are you getting from this?

Obviously you are a smart, reflective person. But sometimes emotions erase all evidence of “smarts” and make it difficult to truly see clearly. Please take a hard look at this “relationship.” If you keep hoping it will work out, we think you’re going to experience a lot of the same emotions and actions that are currently happening. If you decide that you need to move on, then please set clear boundaries with him: he can’t call you, he can’t text you, he can’t Facebook you, etc. Otherwise, you’re going to keep getting sucked back in.

We truly hope you can figure this out, and find happiness. We’re rooting for you. Let us know if we can help in any other way. And good luck.

THE GUYS

ps. Please read the comments for more opinions on your situation.

19 Comments on Will he come back?

  1. Your guy has demonstrated his commitment by his actions. In other words, he didn’t have one. He went elsewhere, and kept you around as a fall-back. Also remember that nothing is as attractive to a young man as that which he cannot have. Once you cut off communication, you became much more compelling.

    The problem, once you let him back in, the same pattern will return. You know this, because it already happened before.

    Like the Guys said, someone that loves you would not put you through this. Let the guy go. You can do better, and you deserve better.

  2. LeAnne I know it hurts but I have to say the guys are right. I think this guy loves you but he may not be in love with you. I think he’s confused because he knows he loves you he just doesn’t know what type of love it is.

    I’m so sorry because I know this is so hard for you. Be strong and you will get thru this. Everything happens for a reason – as hard as that is to believe. I’ve been there. I know. But you will come out a stronger person and one day you will look back and be thankful for this turning point.

    Best of luck!! You deserve nothing but the best!

  3. okay so me and my boyfriend broke up 7 days ago and i feel devasted i have not had any contact with him what so ever. i have to much pride to beg him to come back to me even though thats what i really want. we dated for about 2 months and everything was going perfectly fine we never argued we were different but completely accepted each other. he was always so sweet to me i met him in a library about 11 months ago and we started out as mutual friends and within six months he began chasing me and taking me out. it was really fun he never disrespected me once i have to say it was the best relationship i have ever had and i miss him and what we had. well two weeks before we broke up i began having nightmares terrible nightmares my father who is a dream decoder said trouble was ahead and to be careful. i told my boyfriend about my dreams but said it was no big deal so it was left ignored. then the following week i got really depressed and did not really spend time with my boyfriend which gave him more time with his friends and i was okay with that. then i started noticing that he stopped texting me as often as he used to. i didnt panic as i thought oh maybe he just needs his space so i accepted it. week 2 came around and he was not as affectionate with me as he was before which really worried me i wanted to figure out a way to tell him what bothered me but i wasnt sure what it was. it was more of a feeling and i couldnt explain or understand it but i know for sure it was not a good feeling. then on thursday we decided to spend sometime together and you could feel strange energy and some sort of tension but it was ignored. we laid on the grass and cuddled , kissed and fell asleep for awhile. still something seemed wrong like something was bothering him. later on he had to go home as did i too and we kissed and went home. till i couldnt take it anymore and i needed to know why he was acting so distant and unaffectionate lately other than today. so i texted him and asked him if i did something wrong… i had !
    been tel
    ling him he can hangout with the guys because i wanted him to have some freedom after all he was always with me. he txt back and said nothing was wrong and said why would i think that. i then said the reason i been telling you to hang out with the guys lately is because i feel your not spending enough time with them. also i feel as if though i bore you and your losing interest in me. he then said well talk about it tomorrow. so i called him up he answered and i asked what it was that he wanted to tell me he kept saying tomorrow. then i said your breaking up with me arent you and kept repeating it. till finally he said yes. he sounded like he didnt want to tell me and kind of wanted to cry. i asked why and he said” im just not feeling it anymore” i was crushed. he then said” we still friends?” i said of course and we hung up. i txt him back saying i couldnt be friends with him atleast not now he replied by saying i understand. but i dont understand. everything was going so well literally. im his first girlfriend his first love his first everything . how do i know because his best friend told me not to hurt him because he really loved me. i dont understand what went wrong i still love him to death and wonder what is going on with him niether of us have talked whenever he sees me he stares at me then looks away or avoids me. i want to know if he would ever come back i want him back i hate to say this but i feel so desperate and weak. i refuse to let him see me like this so i complete get out of sight and cutt of contact with him. does he still love me ? will he come back? what should i do ? does he miss me as much as i miss him? does he still have feelings for me regardless of what he said? is he hurting just as much as i am ? he is not with anyone else right now but spends time with his friends. as my close friends that see him around tell me. how can i get him back? please help me get the love of my life back please please i beg you !!!!!!

  4. @Kassandra……We’re sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. Question: How old are you? We’re assuming in high school, or college? Here’s what we see. Please understand when we say this, that we’re trying to help you, if not for this relationship, but for your future relationships. Here goes. We can’t say for sure what drove him away, but it could have been your insecurity. Here are some of the things you said to us. (I was having terrible nightmares that trouble was ahead. I told my boyfriend. I got really depressed and didn’t see him for a week. I didn’t know what was wrong so I asked him why he was so distant and unaffectionate. Then I texted him and asked him if I did something wrong. I feel I bore my boyfriend and I asked him if I did.) Do you see? What you did is you put yourself beneath him, and created an imbalance of power. Guys may say they want to be in charge, but they also want a confident woman, someone who’s willing to push back. You did the opposite. Within two months—which is a relatively short time for a serious relationship—you already started saying to him you weren’t good enough for him. Maybe you didn’t say those words, but you implied them. And what happened is you created the very thing you were worried about. We’re sorry, but it’s important for you to see that. That way you’ll be able to grow and learn from this relationship and be a stronger person in the next one. And remember Kassandra, don’t settle for someone who doesn’t love you and respect you the way you love and respect them. Once again, we’re sorry you’re in such pain, and we hope you know we’re sincerely trying to help. Take care. Your thoughts? ps. Please share our site with friends. Facebook, Twitter. Thanks. We appreciate it.

  5. Confused // March 9, 2013 at 4:45 am //

    I will try and make this brief.. meet a guy online and we hit it off immediately .. we chatted for a month before meeting and it was exactly the same. I picked up he had a few insecurities from a previous relationship which he brought up all the time, we managed to talk through all this.. he gave me the key to his house after 2 weeks (we are both in our 40’s) and told me he loved me after a month and I could move in if I wanted to.

    Dating in 60 days I spent at least 45 with him.. he kept on saying how comfortable and easy it was with me.. told his friends and family how great I was and we had a solid foundation.

    My question is the lack of physical intimacy .. he said he needed to be emotionally connected to have physical intimacy .. a subject which we spoke about often .. but nothing every improved.. he was very affectionate but that was it.. it was like going to bed with your best friend.

    Ultimately this as well as drama’s with a best friend (married woman, he was friends with both her and the husband) broke us up as he was unable to put me first.

    Despite this I still miss him and would probably take him back, which would be difficult as exactly a week after we broke up, he re-joined the dating site.

    Your thoughts please
    Confused

  6. Lonely Lisa // April 9, 2013 at 12:00 pm //

    hello – looking for some advice from guys perspective. I met this wonderful 34 yr old man (im 37) at the ski hill – i wasn’t looking for a hook up or anything, was just there to ski for the weekend. Well he was there with his friends (another couple – very nice people) and he asked if I’d like to join them. Ar first I was hesitant but then thought what the hey – so I did – he was wonderful – we really had a lot in common. Too make a long story short – conversation, chemistry, and amazing sex – FYI – I used to fitness model so I have a hot body and I love my lingerie – closet loads of it. We dated up a storm for a month and in that time I became really good friends with the other couple (still am – I adore them) and we did a lot of things – he would text me almost hourly – he even called me to rely on my strength when his grandmother was ill and hospitalized. We agreed to be honest and up front about everything – and we got along wonderfully well. This all came to a screeching halt when we went out for a nice dinner Friday – and by Monday he was back in the arms of his EX gf – (they had broke up almost a year and she had moved on with another man) I tried to get answers out of him but to no avail – he simply says that he has to follow his heart and plan and move forward – thus came completely out of the blue – his ex is a much older Asian woman in her late 40’s with 2 adult kids! I don’t get it? I’m way younger and hotter and don’t have kids or an ex hubby – we were getting along great and this is such a smack in the face. My question is more around why would he go back to her when he had a good thing with me – and if both of them already been with other people how is that going to factor into the reunion? I guess I did some stupid mean frantic texts too as I needed some answers so he probably thinks I’m a nut job. His two closest friends (who are now mine too) can’t believe it and they are really angry at him for going back to the ex (whom they can’t stand) I don’t know if his reunion can last as it seems to me that if the problems existed before than they will still be there and doubly complicated by the fact that they both have had partners between the break. Please – any advice or comments are appreciated – I’m so very heart broken over this – we had such a strong connection and he was so into me – I don’t understand where it went wrong?

  7. @LonelyLisa…..We answered on the other post. (Will he come back?) ON our HOME PAGE.

  8. Hi guys, I am really helpless so I decided to post up a question hoping to get a reply asap. I broke up with my boyfriend 2 days ago, we have many issues especially his insecurity, is definitely a major one. He controls me but I really love him. All the time he say he is afraid of losing me which is why he is behaving this way. He doesn’t allow me to be on social networking for instant even if he allows, I only can add female users. He don’t allow me to talk to guys and so on. I can understand why is he this way because he is someone who only hangs out with his group of guy buddies and hardly mix with girls but I think he should learn to relax and have faith in me. I have issues too I must say, I have bad temper but only during arguments like I tend to reject his calls, refused to reply his messages, walking him out etc. I am that sort who doesn’t like to talk and want some peace when I am angry. Yes, I feel bad having him to chase me and look for me and so on but sometime he argue with me over things that is not within my control for instant, having male classmates. But I can’t choose my classmates isn’t it. My boyfriend told me he has insecurity issues because of my past, I hang out with bikers 3-4years ago, I had quite a few guy friends, but I swear they are just merely friends most of them are my close buddies. My boyfriend just does not have faith in me. So I mentioned break up, because such situation has been going on for nearly 7months. I told him we can’t do this anymore, too much tears and pain, his insecurity is not within control. At first he refused to and we didn’t break up but the next day he agree to what I say and ya.. But he seriously needs to change, at the same time he claims that I need to change too. I don’t know what is wrong, I have been stop contacting with any male species other than my dad. But one thing is, my boyfriend and I truly love each other. We teared when we broke up. He agree with me that we need to move on from this. Everything is so heart-wrenching. He claims that he want to be good friends with me, he wants me to be in his life he still love me a lot. Does it mean he is uncertain about his decision of breaking up? He even asked can he still hug me whenever he sees me. Also, actually this isn’t the first time we broke up, the previous time we had a similar situation (This time round is slightly worst) but we got back together after a nearly 3 weeks of seperation yet we didn’t manage to talk our problems out and just have the ‘forget it’ mindset. Problems are not being solved. I am his first love by the way. I am so lost and confused. How to salvage everything? I want us back, at the same time I want to help him to improve. Relationship is about helping one another to grow isn’t it? Thank you!

  9. Hey guys….I am in need of some male advice. I am 22 and have been with my boyfriend (21) for over five years. About a month ago, he broke up with me. We have been unhappy the past few months of our relationship. I am not really sure what the problem was. He stopped showing affection, his sex drive was gone, and he only wanted to be with his friends. He would have moments where he seemed to care about me then make comments such as your a priority. The past few months, his personality changed. He seemed so down and lost in life. We were in the process of house hunting as well. He started working at a bank about a year ago, which put us on opposite schedules and were time constricted when we could see each other (really only the weekends). I think he got unhappy because he was working hard at his job and not getting recognized for it. He just recently got a supervising position so I am hoping that will help turn things around. A few weeks after we broke up, he had to put his dog down. He called me at 430 in the morning to cry to me and vent. Why call me if you don’t want to be with me?

    The day we broke up, he came to my house and looked really down. I kept asking what was wrong, multiple time….he finally said he is not happy. I collected myself and asked if he was breaking up with me and he said ya. Within seconds, he was crying. I have been with this guy for a long time and have never seen him cry in person. He was sobbing. He was saying he was unhappy and he knew i was unhappy. I told him i know he’s unhappy and he was right that I have been unhappy. We both sat and cried….he kept saying over and over he needs time. We held each-other and cried, then i asked him to leave. We usually text once a day….I rarely text him first. The first two weeks after we broke up, he still asked me to hangout. He hasn’t told his family or his friends that we broke up. It’s been over a month. Last weekend, we got into an argument….we haven’t argued since we broke up. I asked him if I could pick my things up from his house, he said to leave it. Why should I leave my things if we aren’t together? I finally told him just to keep it. I didn’t care. Deep down, I do care. I kept blowing up his phone, stupidly, and I told him I couldn’t be his friend to move on from this. He kept telling me to drop the conversation. I asked him what happened….he said things changed and we grew apart. I kept asking questions and he kept saying to drop it. I asked him if this was really over so i could have some closure, he said for the 100th time to drop the conversation. He still talked to me normally after that. Texting me in the middle of the day to have a good day. Do I still have a chance at getting him back? I am not ready to throw five years out the window. I love him. I am not sure what I should do from this point. I don’t know if I should walk away from him completely and ignore him to see if that gets him back or I just keep standing on the sidelines til he comes around. Please help!

  10. @LadyK……We’re sorry. This is hard. This breakup sounds like it’s going to drag on for a long time. Sometimes breakups do. Anything can happen at this point. It’s likely you’ll get back together for a bit, or he’ll want to have sex again. You’ll try again and likely the same types of issues will come up. And then you’ll probably breakup again. (Just our opinion) Relationships run their course. Five years is a long time especially at your age. Good for you. And we encourage you to try to figure this out or explore all possible ways of fixing this. However, we say that mainly because if you don’t, you may never feel like you can move on. That will give you closure. Or best case, maybe it will work out. There are no guarantees either way. Good luck.

  11. A year ago I met him. At first I wasn’t interested at all and made that very clear; however, he was very persistent. Eventually he won and we began dating. I was reluctant at first because he had expressed to me that he wanted to be single in order to pursue his career goals and get his life on the right track. I stayed casual about everything and let him be the one to call/text me because I didn’t want him to feel pressured. I was beginning full time school in September and wasn’t sure I would have the time for a relationship either. One night we were cuddling in bed and he told me that he was falling for me. A few days later he asked me to be his girlfriend and he was so amazing that I couldn’t say no. We spent a very beautiful 10 months together. Practically inseparable. He was thoughtful, romantic, sweet, loving, and one of a kind. I’ve been through some bad relationships in the past and he never once compared. We moved in together 6 months in and we were both very happy about the decision. We were so in love and so very happy. We never had fights, rarely disagreed, and being together just felt natural. He talked about getting married and long term goals with me. He went to another city for 7 weeks for school while I was in practicum. He came home every weekend and we spent as much time together, talking on the phone and texting as we could. Things started getting a little rocky because of the distance but nothing that could have been severely damaging. But suddenly, he began to seem different and distant. I graduated my program, we had party at our place, and because I knew something was going on with him, I picked a fight. In the morning we had a wonderful day together and had a nap in the afternoon. When we woke up he suddenly said, “We need to talk. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do but I can’t do this anymore. We need to break up”. I was in total shock. He said that he needs to “soul seek” and that he needs to focus on his career and his future. We cried together for 3 days straight. I moved in with a friend 2 weeks later. Every time he saw me during that time, he would cry, apologize, and say that he didn’t want to do this but he had to. He drove me to my grandmothers memorial in another city, we had a great time together with my family that weekend and when he dropped me off at home we both cried and explained how we both felt it was bittersweet. Its been over a month since we broke up and we have had very little contact. I cannot stop thinking about him and I am not handling the break up very well at all. We both once felt that we were going to married and that we had found our soul mate. I am so heart broken and I cannot understand why he would do this to us. I did not seeing it coming. I know that he wasn’t cheating because he simply is just NOT like that. This is the most pain a break up has ever caused me.

  12. @Kjw…..We’re so sorry. Sometimes there is no explanation. Sometimes the person breaking up can’t explain it; it’s more a gnawing feeling that grows inside them. And they fight it and fight it, but it persists. We couldn’t even begin to guess what happened, just that most relationships run their course even when they’re amazing. Take care. Let yourself grieve. It’s okay. Surround yourself by people who love you and be patient with the process.

  13. Hi, I broke up with my ex a month ago. We ended at bad term, I was really mad for the hurtful thing he said to me. I started yelling at him, at one point he looked sad and asked me if I’m going to emotioanlly destroy him as I am not going to have him.

    He said the reason we broke up was because me, he said he has been waiting long enough for me to change (not to be insecure, support his career) and has given me 3 chances. However, I have compromised of his flirt and forgive him for almost everytime I caught him lied to me. He has never stop liying to me since we got together and I always fogive him when he said he will change.

    I have unfriend him from the social media the moment we broke up but he went extreme to blocked me later. I didnt contact him ever since he didnt reply my last email which I sent almost 3 weeks ago. I have make myself very clear that he needs to delete all my pictures in his phone/laptop/hardsisk. However from our mutual friend profle, I noticed he changed his instagram profile picture with me cropped out, it was the picture we took from last vacation and we both loved it very much.

    What doesnt he delete all the pictures as I told him to? Our 4th anniversary is coming up next week and my birthday is coming soon as well. I am curious of his move.

  14. @Candice….What types of pictures do you want him to delete? Are these intimate pictures? As in pictures of you with little or no clothing, or just the typical pictures that couples take? Are you curious because you think he’s still interested in you if he doesn’t delete your pics? What is the crux of your question? Will he come back?

  15. Hi, I wanted him to delete all photos which inclduing the intimate and typical pictures that couples take. Yes I am curious if he is still interested in getting back with me. We have been together 4 years and have plan to married in a year or two.

  16. @Candice…….Think of it this way. Parents like to have pictures of their kids so when they get older they can go back and remember. Obviously, it’s not the same, but it’s the same idea. Guys like to document their dating lives. They may or may not want the actual person, but they like looking at the pics from time to time, especially the more revealing ones if you catch our drift. You can ask him to delete all photos, he can tell you he’s deleted them all, but it’s unlikely they’ll all get deleted. It’s the nature of the digital world we live in. Sorry. But no need to panic. Unless he has some sort of plan to seek revenge or something, the photos will stay close to him and for his own personal pleasure. As per getting back together. He’s not acting like a guy who wants to reconcile. And anyway, it sounds like you haven’t been able to trust him. Do you really think he’s going to change?

  17. Hi, I’ve been thinking your question if I wanna get back with him although I can’t trust him. I’m still thinking about him and miss him, so I think I’ll get it another try if he want too. However we haven’t contacted since the break up and I won’t initial the contact first. I’m still hurt and I dont think I should start the contact in current emotion. I don’t know if he will contact soon either. Feeling lost.

  18. @Candice……Sorry. But keep us posted. Take care.

  19. Hi, my ex bf texted me at 12 midnight on my birthday, his text was ” happy birthday, I wish everything is ok with you and take care of yourself”. I am really surprise as we haven’t spoke for almost 2 months since break up. I waited a day to reply to him a thank you as I am not sure what I want and he up to. Do you think this mean something? Or he just coincidence text me at midnight? I am confused.

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