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Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

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Dear Guys,

So I have been with my boyfriend for over a year now.  We work together which only makes it worse because his wife works in the same place. When this all started I was married and he approached me. Then, he told me he and his wife of only a few months got separated. He said the only thing left to do was file the papers.

Since then I have divorced my husband. The problem now is that my boyfriend doesn’t know what he wants to do because he is very religious and doesn’t “believe in divorce.”  He says he loves me and promises things are going to get better but it’s hard because we have to remain hidden. When I complain about things he tells me if it’s too much I should just walk away from all of it and he will understand.

His wife has now moved back into their home and I see them talking at work. He thinks I am overreacting when I say anything about this. What is really going on here?? Does he really not know what he wants to do or am I going to just be stuck as the “other woman” until I finally walk away from this situation?  I have invested so much of my life into him and this relationship based on what he tells me but I’m tired of being a secret and even more tired of waiting for him to make up his mind.

What should I do??

Chelle

Dear Chelle,

Thanks for your question.

When you say you’ve invested so much of your life on this guy, what exactly do you mean? You’ve only been with him a year or so. Are you saying that you feel regret for divorcing your husband because you fell in love with this new man? And now that your new boyfriend is not following through you’re feeling even more regret?

So let’s first put your mind at ease. Obviously something wasn’t working with your marriage long before this guy entered your life, or you wouldn’t have been “open” to meeting someone new. And although we believe it’s best to figure out whether or a relationship is working or not working before getting involved with someone new, we also understand that life is messy, and sometimes things happen.

Obviously this guy is conflicted about what he wants to do. From our perspective it seems while the two of you were both still married he was content to have an affair with you because that’s all it was. But now that you’re single and available, and wanting him to commit, he doesn’t seem ready to make any sort of decision about leaving his marriage. Citing “religious reasons” is just an excuse. And the fact that he says he would understand if you walked away makes us wonder why he’s not willing to do whatever it takes to make this work?

Leaving a marriage is a big deal. It’s a complete upheaval of everything a person knows. It’s scary and uncertain, and frankly, not everyone is up for the task, even if they are unhappy. This man may not be strong enough to do this, at least in the timeframe that you would like.

We think your instincts are right. If he was serious about you he wouldn’t be keeping the relationship a secret. And he wouldn’t keep making excuses. You need to have a very direct discussion with him about what you need from the relationship. If he’s not willing or able to give you those things you might need to make some tough decisions. But please don’t fret over what you’ve invested in this. The time and energy you’ve given to this relationship is all part of the learning process. And you seem like a strong enough person that you’ll be able to move forward if for some reason this does not work out the way you hope.

Relationships are a two way street. They constantly need feeding and nurturing in order for them to flourish. Both people need to be invested. If your man is not willing to give to this relationship now, it’s unlikely he’ll ever be able to. But you’re going to have to figure that one out yourself by talking with him. And be completely honest.

Please keep us posted. Leave us a comment here in the comments section. We’ll respond here as well. And feel free to ask any follow up questions.

Take care,

THE GUYS

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3 Comments on Will he ever leave his marriage for me?

  1. Good afternoon,
    I have been seeing someone for a little while now. We’ve known eachother for 8-9 years, through an internet site where we started to talk; and 2 years later, we finally met. He came to visit. It was nice and intense. We afterwards kept in touch for a long time, although from the start I should’ve known; I was making more contact with him. Eventually, we didn’t talk / chat as often. While we didn’t communicate much, I would tell him all the time before hanging up the phone or finishing an email; “Just don’t fall in love with anyone”!
    See I couldn’t go across the border to visit, and I guess it was too soon to tell if “he” was interested or not; and find out later that something happened later on that prevented him as well not to cross the border. So we couldn’t see eachother for a quite a while even if we wanted to.
    Just recently changed all that, and I started to go see him. On my second visit, he told me that (after I asked)he wanted to see where our relationship will go. But in between visits he doesn’t keep in touch much unless I send him an email. He says that it costs him too much to text all the time. (He’s in US and I’m in Canada)

    So, naturally, I sometime wondering if he is that interested in me. Because when I go see him, he is happy to see me and we have a great time together…but, I’m still wondering at times.

    What do you think?

    Clo

  2. @Clo….You need to pull back and stop making it easy for him. Of course he’s happy to see you. You’re doing all the work. He enjoys your company, probably likes having sex with you, and then when you leave he can do is thing. The lack of communication is an issue, and probably telling. It doesn’t sound like he’s very committed to this “relationship.” Our advice: Put the ball in his court. And see what happens. You’ll get the answer you’re looking for. Good luck. Keep us posted.

  3. @One of the guys…Good afternoon, I have recently detached myself completely, and did have an answer. I wrote him an email saying that this is how he is that I didn’t think I was able to deal with it. The only response I got from that was: “Sorry”! So I answered him: “Me too”! That was a month ago now. It’s just hard now to completely forget, to let go of something I wanted for so long, but now it’s just a big disapointment that’s left to let go of.

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