I have a recently separated male best friend of over 20+yrs who helped me through my divorce. He has an arrangement of staying in his home til his youngest is out of school. (He just turned 19.) My friend has stated that we are okay to have sex but that he’s not ready for anything serious because he hasn’t healed yet. He’s having no sex but with me and vice versa.
I wanted to approach him years ago when we were in the military before either of us were married but I was too shy. Well now that we’re in this arrangement I find myself falling for him again. I told him I think I was in love with him and he said that he’s still not ready and that we are best friends. We’ve had sex once and we both agree we want to do it again and again, to explore. But how do I know if he’s ready for more than Friends with Benefits? His son will be leaving home soon and then he’s getting divorced. So what should I do in the meantime? He calls me to see if I’m okay, since I’ve recently been a single mom and it’s hard but I am falling more and more in love with him. I know he cares about me but from a guy’s point if view, what is he feeling? Will be ever want more? Please guys help me out?
Dear Confused Mother,
Ever is a long time. So it’s hard to say if he’ll EVER fall for you, but right now, he’s nowhere near being ready. The last thing a guy is looking for after getting divorced—he’s not even divorced yet— is another serious relationship. Usually, he wants to make up for lost time. Which means he’s looking to have as much sex as possible, either with one partner, or many partners. He also wants to enjoy his freedom, and be selfish and not have to answer to anyone. When your guy says he’s okay to have sex but really nothing else, you need to believe him. Having sex with you does not mean he’s falling for you. It means that he’s getting his needs met, physical and maybe some emotional, and that’s all for now.
That said, we’re not saying he doesn’t care about you, or that at some point down the road he’ll want to be with you, but honestly, he’s got a long way to go, and the road could be quite bumpy for you. Typically, Friends with Benefits arrangements don’t lead to more serious relationships. Men usually propose them because they are either in a situation like your guy is in, or they are still looking for the woman they want to be with long-term, but at the same time don’t want to be celibate while they’re healing or searching or whatever.
This is your call, but be very careful here. You’re also forgetting an important point. (Or maybe we don’t have it right.) But if you were friends before the two of you were in serious relationships or marriages, he had a chance with you then and didn’t act on it. Maybe things have changed, maybe they haven’t, but he keeps insisting that he’s not ready and that you’re just friends, instead of saying something like, “As soon as I get my divorce we’re going to be together.”
Overall, we think you’re just going to end up being more confused, frustrated, resentful and possibly hurt. Sorry, we wish we could be more positive and we sincerely hope we’re wrong, but that’s just our opinion. You must decide how you want to proceed. Have you had a heart-to-heart with him? Have you asked him what he sees for the two of you in the future? Since you’re friends, it seems like you’d have nothing to lose by talking with him. What do you think?
Do you have any follow-up questions or thoughts? Please leave in the comments’ section below. (You must be Logged In to do so.)
ps. We hope you’ll let your friends know about us. Thanks!