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The Continuing Adventures of Bob the Vegan: Dan and George attend Fetishist Anonymous

George and Dan in a car going to FA meeting.

George: Damn buses!! What the hell is going on!?

Dan: It’s the first week of school. It’s never a good idea to travel through
town between 8am-9am.

George: (Screams at the bus) C’MON!!! Let’s go, let’s go!!

Dan: Relax George, you’ll frighten the kids!

George: Well, do they have to stop every 30 seconds??!!!

Dan: It’s a school bus George. That’s what they do. They
pick up kids.

George: Well this sucks. That’s for sure.

Dan:  You know what I was thinking?

George: What were you thinking?

Dan: I was thinking I can remember going to school like it was just yesterday.
This time of year always brings me back to animal crackers, recess and Sarah
Goldstone, my first crush.

George: Nice

Dan: But it’s kind of ironic that twenty years later, I’m
driving behind a school bus going to a meeting for sex addiction. Now that’s kind of
sick.

George: Oh please, don’t be so melodramatic. It’s not like
you’ve done anything… just watched a little porn.

Dan rolls his eyes at him

George: …..OK, watched a lot of porn.
What’s the big deal?

Dan: Well Amy, your wife thinks it’s a big deal. Why do you think you’re living
with Bob now?

George:  Please, Amy made a big deal out of nothing. I didn’t even do anything!! It wasn’t
like I cheated on her or something.

Dan: No, but you did deceive her, and for some people that’s
the same thing. Just like you told Bob, remember?

George: Oh, let’s drop it….(Screams out his window) Let’s
go!!  (mutters) Damn school buses!

They arrive at the meeting.

Dan: Now be cool George.

George: You don’t need to tell me to be cool. I’m fine. 

Dan: OK fine…(pause)….

George: Now why are we going to Fetishist Anonymous meeting anyway? Isn't there something like Porn Anonymous?

Dan: Not around here…. This will be fine. (Pause)…. C'mon…let's go. We're gonna miss the meeting.

They enter a small brick building with a central meeting area in
the basement. 10 people are sitting in chairs in a circle. The leader is a
friendly woman with white hair
.

Woman: Well hello newcomers. How are you?

Dan and George: (Sheepishly) Hi.

Everyone smiles at them.

Woman: I’m the facilitator here at Fetishist Anonymous. You can
call me Grace, but that’s not my real name. We like to keep some level of
anonymity here at FA. You gentlemen are very welcome.

Dan: Thank you.

George: (Under his breath) What the hell am I doing here?

Grace: So it's time. Who'd like to start the sharing?

A very young women in what looks to be her early 20s raises her hand. Her name is Veronica.

Veronica: Hi everyone, thanks for listening.

Everyone Together: Hi Veronica, we are all yours!

George looks at Dan with that WTF look on his face. Dan
ignores him
.

Veronica: Well, I’ve been having a hard time lately. I keep having that same urge to lick my boyfriend’s feet. It seems to be the
only way I can get excited.

She pauses. Everyone nods in encouragement. 

Veronica: My boyfriend is kind of "weirded" out by the whole thing. So I wait until he's asleep and then I lick his feet. I just can't help myself.  After I
do this I’m so hot and bothered I try to wake him up. But that's not working out so well. In fact, just last night I startled him so badly that he woke up kicking. He thought he had a bug on him or something. He knocked me off the bed and chipped
one of my teeth. He felt terrible about it, but it was all my fault.

George is not paying attention.. He’s watching something on
the ground. Dan notices.

Dan (whispers): George, what are you doing? Pay attention.

George (whispers): I can’t. There’s a cockroach on the
ground and I’m afraid it’s going to crawl up my leg.

Dan: Will you cut it out. We’re going to get kicked out of the meeting.

George: I can’t concentrate. Just let me kill that roach and then I’ll pay
attention.

Dan: Just leave the damn thing alone.

Veronica is still talking:

Veronica: Anyway, I’m trying hard not to give in to my urges, but they are so strong….I'm not sure how much more my boyfriend can take.

Grace: Thank you so much for sharing. Would anyone like to
piggyback on to what Veronica was saying? Or does anyone have any thoughts for
her?

Dan raises his hand:

Grace: Yes, dear, would you like to share. Please tell us your name.

Dan: My name’s….uh,…….Fred…..and I’d like to……

CRUNCH!! ………CRACKLE!!!….

George(too loudly): Got you, you little bastard!!

George kills the cockroach. He looks up. Dan looks up
startled. Everyone’s staring in horror. Grace starts glancing nervously to her
right at a very tall women with straight black hair. All of sudden the women
starts to…

MOAN…….Oohhh……..YES!!!!……………….MOAN…………….mmm.mmmm………….. OH….YES!!!!

George: Oh my God, is she having a…..a ……..THE BIG
“O”?? ….Holy shit.

Dan: What the hell did you do?

George: I just stepped on that cockroach.

The moaning continues. Everyone is glancing nervously
around.

Grace: It’s alright everyone. Just stay calm.
Gentlemen, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

Dan and George slink out of the hall. The woman continues. 

Dan yells at George:

Dan: "Damnit" George what is your problem!!?

George:
I just stepped on a cockroach. How was I supposed to know it would make that woman do
that???!!

Dan: C’mon. It’s Fetishist Anonymous for Christ Sake!! Anything could happen.

George: I’m sorry Dan, I just stepped on a bug.

Dan: Well, you had a shitty attitude going in.

George: Yeah and so what!?

Dan: Well you ruined it for me too! Thanks a lot!!

They walk away in silence.

 

Bob and the gang will be back in two weeks!!

 

 

13 Comments on The Continuing Adventures of Bob the Vegan: Dan and George attend Fetishist Anonymous

  1. Cockroaches are fast little annoying bugs! One moment they’re there and the next they’re on you nose or something :|! I can’t blame George! I would do the same thing…
    Oh my…that lady…well that is one weird fetish hehe
    Nice one again!!

  2. wahaha i am afraid of cockroaches too. So basically, I will do the same KILL THE COCKROACH!!!

  3. ok like it clever cunts from stu

  4. LMAO! This is especially funny to me cuz I knew this guy who wanted me to describe to him over and over how I would crush him if he were a bug. I mean, what kind of shoes I’d be wearing, color, style, how I’d turn my foot, the sound it would make, the whole nine yards. He really got off on it. We didn’t talk for long. I felt bad for him cuz he had this fetish he couldn’t really help, but it was just too creepy for me. And really, how many times can you describe crushing a bug?
    Another great post!

  5. Great post……… cockroaches… hate them.

  6. Holy crap that was long. I mean LONG. Plus I didn’t know what FA meant at first. 🙁

  7. The only thing worse than a cockroach is the CRUNCH of someone killing one. BLECH.

  8. You mean FA in the title of the post?
    Hmmm…..
    THE GUYS

  9. This was so funny! The Guys are the bomb! The only thing that ticks me off is that I didn’t get to hear more of the speakers either. 🙂

  10. Stay tuned, you may get your wish! Bob and the gang are full of surprises in the weeks ahead.
    THE GUYS

  11. I probably would have killed the roach, too. Goes back to this one time in high school when I had one land on me in my sleep. I thought it was a flea, tried to swipe it off, and got a handful of roach.
    I have given you an award on my blog. Here’s the link: http://www.justbloggled.com/2009/09/i-love-lucys-bees-knees-and-my-bengay.html. Congrats.

  12. LOL….where so you get your story lines from.
    Seriously weird!
    A fetish anonymous club …. yikes….is this like tried and true :P…..Ha…what next 😛

  13. Haha Great post! 1st time here, def good read 🙂

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