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The Continuing Adventures of Bob the Vegan: "Dan, Dan the Porn Man" gets caught!

Bob and George at a cafe. Dan comes in later.

George: So what’s the latest with Torrie? Any word?

Bob: Yeah. We’re meeting up next week.

George: That’s great. Maybe it will work out after all.
How did you get her to actually talk to you?

Bob: Well I've been calling her everyday now for over a week. Finally she picked up the phone…. I just told her how wonderful she is and that I missed her a lot.  And I
apologized to her at least ten times about being so stupid.

George: So you basically groveled like a desperate loser.

Bob: Yeah, something like that.

Dan enters cafe. Waves.

Dan: Hey Guys!

George: Hey Dan.

Bob: What’s up?

Dan: Not much.

George: It’s good to see you.

Dan: Yeah, good to see you guys. George I'm sorry about that whole “Chicken Video” thing.

George: Well, it wasn’t your fault. And anyway, Amy's been mad at me before. She'll get over it.

Bob: So how is the porn world these days Dan?

Dan: Not so good. I’m currently between homes.

George: What do you mean?

Dan: Well, there was an incident at my parent’s house.

Bob: What kind of incident?

Dan: Well, it's kind of embarrassing.

George: What??

Dan: My mom saw me naked.

Bob: Saw you naked? Like how?

Dan: I was just walking to the shower without a towel.

George: That doesn’t sound like a big deal…. like you said….maybe a little
embarrassing.

Dan: Well it really wasn’t a big deal, except….(pause)

Bob: Except what?

Dan: Well, at first it WAS just a little embarrassing like you said, until my mom started staring at my penis.

Bob: What do you mean?! She kept staring at your penis?!

Dan: YES,  she just kept staring at my penis!!

George: Yikes! Can we say, awkward?

Bob: Why would she do that?

Dan: I don't know. It WAS very awkward. After she stared for what seemed like forever she said, “Dan, why is your penis purple?”

George spits out his coffee.

Bob: What?!!

Dan: I was mortified.

George: That is too funny.

Dan: Yeah, real funny…..It was awful, especially when I realized…

Bob: Realized?…What?….What did you realize?

Dan: Well I didn't even know it was purple until that moment. Then I realized why.

Bob: I don't get it!!!……Can you PLEASE…EXPLAIN..why your penis was purple?

Dan: Well I was eating beets. And then I
did…..you know…….."THAT"…..

Bob: What’s "THAT?"

Dan:  You
know……."THAT"……. (makes a motion with his hand)

George: Wait a second…….."THAT?" …….Oh my god, that is just too perfect! (laughing)

Dan: But I wasn't going to tell my mom that. So I said, I don't know mom. And I put my hands out for emphasis.

Bob: Oh my god.

Dan: Then she said, Dan your hands are purple too?!

George: This keeps getting better and better!

Dan: I didn't even know what to say. So I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door. Of course I left the empty can of beets next to my computer. When I went back to my room after my shower, the can was gone. My mom must have found it. One way or another she put it all together.

Bob: Man that is so sick. Who eats beets and does "THAT" at the same
time? .

Dan: Well, I love beets. And I…I was hungry. Jeez, what’s the big deal??!!

George: Well that's a new one for the books
for sure. Well at least she didn’t catch you with your pants around your
ankles.

Dan: That might have been better.

Bob: So what, she kicked you out for having a purple penis?

Dan: No, my mom is totally cool. She would never kick me out for that. And she
probably didn’t even tell my dad.

Bob: So why are you between homes?

Dan: I’m just too embarrassed. I can’t even look at my mom without feeling like
a sicko.

George: I’m sorry to hear that Dan. Quite unfortunate.

Dan: So I really need to kick this porn habit. I think I’m
going to join a support group. There must be Porn Anonymous or something like that.

Bob: I’m sure there is. There’s a group for everything.

George: What you need to do is join us and become a vegan. You’ll feel
better, and it will help cleanse the toxins from your body. It might
clear your mind too. 

Dan: I don’t know if I'm up for that. I have more pressing matters anyway. I need to find a place to stay.

George: Bob, you’ve got two
bedrooms that aren’t being used?! Dan could stay with us. What do you think?

Dan: That would be amazing!

Bob: Well, I don’t……

George: C'mon, it will be great.

Dan: That would be so cool!

Bob: I guess it would be all right.

Dan: Sweet! (High fives George and Bob) Thanks Bob, you’re such a good guy.

Bob: I know. That’s my problem.

Next week: Torrie is back. George and Dan attend their first meeting. 

9 Comments on The Continuing Adventures of Bob the Vegan: "Dan, Dan the Porn Man" gets caught!

  1. Beets–funny. It reminds me of the great bit from a recent episode of Rescue Me. Check it out:
    http://lohmantrading.com/Fourced/2009/08/rescue-my-hairy-orange-cheese-doodle/

  2. Is this becoming an epidemic??
    We’ll check it out.
    THE GUYS

  3. lol this is really good

  4. whahaha too funny!! Can’t wait to read the next!

  5. ooooo tossin salad,,

  6. Beets, R U Kidding ?
    Beets …. Thank God he didn’t rub his nose. is this the Rubber Chicken Guy ?

  7. Yes, he is one and the same. Not sure about the rubber part though. We were afraid to watch the video.
    THE GUYS

  8. Someone get that guy a fork.

  9. This just keeps getting better and better!!

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