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Private Talk

Note from THE GUYS: This truly is private talk, which means this essay goes beyond our usual PG/PG-13 rating on this site. You were “warned.” Enjoy!

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“PRIVATE TALK” by Sabrina Jennings

Men are fascinating creatures.  I’ve been trying to ‘figure’ them out, or at least do my best at understanding their mentality for years.  I’m aware that I will never be absolute with that accomplishment since I am never going to be one myself, but I like to pat myself on the back for being pretty damn insightful regardless.

I slowly built close friendships with the opposite sex as a young teen, and thankfully blossomed into a tell-it-like-it-is smart ass by the time my high school diploma was in grasp. Now, I am sure to relate to any gentlemen I meet my honesty policy; I’m going to tell you the truth whether you like it or not, because if any woman is going to be truthful about what you’re doing is wrong/stupid/etc, it’s going to be me. Life is too damn short to let things slide that shouldn’t. Don’t confuse me with being a Manhater, I’ve been called that more times than I can count. Even one of my greatest, longtime friends Caleb referred to me as a bitch when he first met me. My sharp tongue can get under the nerves easier than most, I get it. But if I hated men like some assume, I wouldn’t bother dating, sleeping, or making friends with any of ’em.

Duh.

I write about the unacceptable behaviors of men I encounter not the man himself, there is a difference. I am up front about what I write for a living, and it is solely the guys’ choice to continue seeing me or not.  All he has to do is not do any act deemed asshole worthy that I would bring to others attention/warn other women about, and he’ll be solid.  Surprisingly to the majority I’ve warned, they still haven’t grasped the concept and act out as tools anyway. Not my fault. I am free to write and speak the truth as I mull through my dating journey to find my lobster (old F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference here).

With that set in place, being around testosterone enough as I have, it has been easy to pick up on mans’ greatest topic of joy that duplicates as his biggest insecurity; his penis. A guy simply can’t tell one  joke and let it lie, he’s got to build a vocabulary world around his dick, and usually just to compete with other males around him for best junk of all. It’s amusing to me that they seem to have this idea that a woman will care as much as they do. Yoko Ono once said, “I wonder why men get serious at all. They have this delicate, long thing hanging outside their bodies which goes up and down by its own will. If I were a man I would always be laughing at myself.” Not to be the killjoy of every mans’ hopes and dreams here, but Yoko had a point. Why bring attention to something out of your physical control? Women do not see your package the way you do at all. In order to shed some light on the subject, I’m going to address the key points that men seem to continue getting wrong or have confused beliefs in….

The Look and Size

You’re all so sure that a woman wants her man to be packing a third leg in order to be satisfied.  Um, no. Statistics have shown that the erect penis size of most men — 68 percent — is between 4.6 and 6 inches long. About 16 percent of men have an erect penis size longer than 6.1 inches, and of those only 2.5 percent are over 6.9 inches. The rest of the group are the shorties that every man fears being part of. So rest assured, all of you guys who insist that you’re bigger than your counterpart, the odds are against you, and women already know that. It’s not even an appealing part of the body to look at. Sorry, but that’s the truth, even if you’re wrestling with anaconda stature down there, we don’t see your offering as an attractive piece at all. We enjoy what it feels like, and that’s only if you know how to work with what you’ve got. Length to regular standards is just fine, girth can really be helpful if you come up short in that arena, and too little/too big are gravely disappointing. How can too big be disappointing? A woman doesn’t want to feel like her insides are getting pummeled fight club style every time you get busy, and she sure as hell doesn’t want to endure the uncomfortable gag/choking reflex when oral sex comes into play, which brings me to point number two….

Fellatio Boundaries

What happens when a guy spends countless hours over the years watching smutty porn as example of what to expect in the real world? He will bring it to the bedroom and cause quite the humorous commotion with the lady in question. Girls in porn are acting, everyone knows that, but in order for men to get off from it, they convince themselves that she means every moan and groan, and the way oral is portrayed is how all women do it. The idea is so laughable that I can’t stand it!  Remember what I said about your staff not being pretty? Privates on both sexes are not eye candy, so the eagerness to get our mouths all over it that the C class of Hollywood wants you to believe is a joke.  Like I explained to one of my guy friends the other day who I had a penis conversation with that inspired this post, a woman can truly enjoy satisfying her mans’ member with her mouth, but only if the love she has for him is real. There are women who will fake it like Jenna Jameson because they think they have to in order to win over a new guy, and there are women who simply won’t go there for personal hygienic reasons. Life is a crap shoot when it comes to sexual compatibility. You can’t ever expect it’s alright to unleash your tonsil tickler in a forceful face-fuck manner either without discussing your desire to first. That’s a move way too many men make the mistake of doing.  Just like….

Backdoor Surprise

The taboo talk of anal sex is bound to be addressed in most relationships. Every man has heard the positives of it being a tighter destination for his meat to travel (which is true, because it’s mainly used as an exit and rarely sees entry, duh), and most will sweet talk/convince/plea with their woman to allow them to try it at least once. Women who have yet to cross into that realm have thought about it as well….just like the women who find it just as enjoyable as vaginal penetration, and the women who find it to be one of the most disgusting and painful experiences they have ever endured. Just like with the rules of fellatio, there are stipulations when it comes to dancing the chocolate cha cha. You can never just ‘slip it in by accident’ (why men think this lame fake excuse will always fly is beyond me), there must always be a great deal of lubrication (not spit, Vaseline, or whatever crazy sub you have on hand because you’re that desperate to get it), and you’ve got to take it slow. My counter to being asked for taking part in this act has often been, “I will accept, as long as you take it too.” Maybe it’s a cheap shot since most men want to give and not receive in this arena, but one guy did oblige, so you try and tell me that it’s not a big deal. It can be pleasurable, or it can be a hot, uncomfortable mess.  It all comes down to who you’re partaking in the act with.

Cell Phone/Online Penis Spreads

Who was the woman to first receive a mans’ dick via text or online messaging and told them it was scrumptious? Why do men think that taking the time to lose the pants and give their ween its’ own photo shoot in the best lighting (you hope) will have the ladies come running like dogs in heat? Do you know the vulnerable state you put yourselves in by making such a ridiculous choice? You run the risk of her not only laughing at the media received, it also gives her the ability to forward Mr. Winky to anyone on her phones contact list, or on the internet to be a permanent addition to a Penis Fail forum.  Yes, men love a woman who will dish out a topless picture for their own personal viewing.  Boobies are fun. Why a guy will think we want the favor returned with a dickshot is confusing at best. I have never been in favor of this presumptuous act, and I am positive in saying that most, if not all women agree with me on this one. It’s pervy and unnecessary at best. If you want to keep your dignity in check, refrain from making the dreaded decision of sharing your wanker with the world.  All it takes is one woman appalled or scorned, and you’re screwed.

Sabrina Jennings contributes work and advice here: http://www.yourtango.com/users/sabrinajennings Twitter: @SoSabby

13 Comments on Private Talk

  1. Hi,
    He is a very good friend of mine. We met at our workplace. I was always dependent on him for getting my work done and he was very good at his work. He is not very popular with girls and Im not that pretty or interesting either. We both became very good friends and I started to fall for him. We used to talk a lot on the phone. At that time we used to not meet outside much as we were just friends and we would meet in office. As time passed, we used to touch each other and when i asked him if he liked me, he said no. He said that he made a mistake by touching me and all and thats its not possible for us to be together as he himself doesnt feel that way for me. I was totally shattered at that time. And my exams were nearing so he just agreed and told me yes and broke up with me after my exams as he didnt want my exams to suffer. I cried and begged. So he agreed again. He said he will talk to his parents about me. We both belong to different religions and his parents are totally against my religion. though he is not very religious. He spoke to his parents and they didnt agree. His mom, whom he is very close to, didnt talk to him for days together. he was getting very frustrated day by day. he used to even fight with me for the silliest reasons. He said that he was not able to give his 100% at work as well.
    So finally he told me the truth that he doesnt love me. That he has tried but he just doesnt feel anythng for me. It hurts me so bad when i hear this because I love him with all my heart. How do I get him back? How do I make him feel connected to me from his heart? Please help me. I really love him. We have agreed to remain friends, but he has nt called me even once since the break up, its been about a week.

  2. @Nandini…..We’re sorry you’re hurting. The thing is, you can’t make anyone come back to you. They have to choose to come back on their own. And really the best way to do that is by giving him space and allowing him to think about what he’s missing. If you try and talk with him, or plead with him, or beg him, he’s just going to push you away more. We know it’s hard but you have to focus on your own life and hope that he wakes up and realizes he wants to be with you. But there are no guarantees unfortunately. He may never feel that way. Or he might change his mind. We hope this works out for you, but if it doesn’t happen within a month or so, you might need to try and move on. Good luck.

  3. He said that he doesnt feel connected to me from his heart. How do I connect with him that way? I havent spoken to him since the past week after the break up. But how do I make him miss me and want to give our relation a try?

  4. @Nandini……..It sounds like he’s trying to tell you he doesn’t feel the same way you feel for him. So it’s not about you figuring out a way to connect with him. It’s about him and how he feels. And unfortunately you also can’t make him miss you. He has to realize what he’s lost and come back to you on his own. Time and space is the only way this can happen.

  5. I feel he doesnt want me around anymore. I have checked his emails. He and his parents are sending his marriage profile to people in their community for his marriage. I keep thinking about him all day and he seems to not be feeling anything. Maybe only a bit guilty. What are the chances of him coming back? I know ive asked this n number of times. But I jus want him back. One of my common friends spoke to him about us. He told him that he doesnt feel it for me. I feel somewhere there is something.

  6. @Nandini……We realize you want him back, but he has to be the one to want to come back. And if he’s saying he’s moved on and is not feeling it then you can’t force him to come back. We’re really sorry. We wish we could help you, but unfortunately he has a mind of his own.

  7. Thanks guys 🙂
    I guess there is no option for me but to move on. Im trying. Will take a long time. But I have to. Thanks for the support. Really appreciate 🙂

  8. Khaela J // April 25, 2012 at 3:30 pm //

    I live in a different state now, but whenever I go back home I go see him. As a couple we never had sex, because I was a virgin then(22) I dated a guy in my current location(Who I lost my virginity to at 23) but it didn’t work. On a visit back home over 2yrs ago, my Ex and I had sex for the 1st time with each other. We always stayed close even before that. He would message me to see how things were and I did the same. He said he missed me and sometimes we flirted. I’ve always cared for him, but for a while we stopped talking b/c I finally got the nerve to tell him how I still felt and he said he wasn’t looking for sex or a relationship, & he wanted to work on his relationship with God. I respected that and I felt the same myself. But I just wanted to know his feelings for me. So he responded again by saying “Let’s just be friends and keep it as that.” I was hurt, so I stopped talking to him b/c it hurt me, even though I live hundreds of miles away. Before I moved away he said he had feelings for me but since I was leaving, he tried not getting too attached. So I couldn’t believe why he said what he said. A year passed and we came into contact again and started back talking (as friends) Just recently(March 2012) I went back home, and he wanted to see me. We talked for hours catching up. He asked if I had a BF and when I said no, he was shocked and wanted to know why not. Later that night he started making moves on me. He gave me the best massage ever and some other foreplay moves. He asked when was the last time I had sex, I told him 18months. I was embarrassed but he didn’t react any type of way. He started to undress me and we had sex. But during the sex he says “You know we shouldn’t be doing this right?” What did he mean? This was our 1st time seeing each other in a little over 2yrs. I saw him 1 more time before I left but not for sex, just to hang out. But he asked me to stay the night with him. He didn’t try anything, we just slept. The next morning I dropped him off somewhere and he said how much!
    he love
    s that state and how could I have moved away. I told him why but added that I didn’t know what God had planned down the road. Before getting out the car he hugs me, and says he hopes to see me on my next trip and that maybe we can work on me moving back. What did he mean by that? Does it mean he still cares? If I lived there again, would we be together? I’m afraid to ask him because of the last time I tried that. Not all our visits were sexual, sometimes he would just want me to spend the night while I’m in town. Even before we started having sex, and we would just hang out, he always looks me in the eye, and he listens. He’s dated since me but is single, I’ve dated a little but I’ve never felt the way I feel about him about any other Guy. I’ve only been with 3 guys, he was the 2nd, But we have the longest history. We are 25 and 26 now. After all these yrs we still deal with each other. Why? What’s your perspective? Thanks in advance 🙂

  9. @Khaela…….He seems very lukewarm, as if he’s not sure what exactly he wants. But his comments about you moving back in town are definitely positive. However, he just seems a bit wishy washy about his feelings. One minute he’s giving you massages and the next he isn’t interested in sex. This seems to be a “wait and see” situation unfortunately. What’s your communication like during the time you’re away? Text, phone, email? How often? Does he show any interest when you’re not there? Does he talk about an actual relationship with you? Marriage? Or is it just about you possibly moving back?

  10. Khaela J // April 26, 2012 at 3:07 am //

    I agree, he doesn’t seem to know exactly what he wants. When I’m around he seems interested, but he’s hard to read at time. I’m not sure if its him not being interested in sex, it seems like sometimes he wants me to stay over. Plus he rents from someone, so sometimes ppl are home. Also, once we tried and he couldn’t which I think he’s still embarrassed by. We’ve never discussed relationship or anything, but once I get home, we talk. Usually thru text or FB, I’m not much of a phone person. Its not too often because he doesn’t log on much, but then I’ll find out he actually was really busy with things since I know a lot of the same ppl he does. I’ve decided that maybe I should break things off until he figures it out. I don’t want to miss out a relationship sitting around waiting for him. Hopefully I’m making the right choice. Thanks for you feedback. It is much appreciated.

  11. @Khaela…….Good luck. Sounds like you’ve done some soul searching and come to a solution that makes sense for you. All the best. Keep in touch and feel free to ask another question anytime.

  12. Hi,
    I has spoken to you guys abt me a few months back. After we broke up, I did nt contact him except for a few sms’s. Just last month, he called back saying he wants to get back. I took him back. He said he would talk to his parents. But he hasnt spoken yet. I didnt pressurize him this time or tell him anything. Only after enough time had passed, I felt that I must ask him about it, that he told me that he doesnt really feel like that anymore. That when he came back, he had a very strong feeling. He kept saying that sometimes he is sure and sometimes he is not sure about it all. We made out once after we got back together. the last we spoke he said that he doesnt like kissing me. Now he has taken 15 days break to think about us whether we should go ahead or not. I want it to work out. I love him. How do I take this ahead? confused and sad. nandita.

  13. @Nandita…….Nice to hear from you, although we wish it was under more positive circumstances. We’ll repeat what we said to you before. It’s obvious what you want, but it’s not so clear what he wants, although we’re getting the sense he’s having serious doubts. The thing is, you can’t do anything to take this forward. It’s either going to happen or it’s not. You certainly don’t want to try and change for him. The only thing you can do is keep being yourself and hope he realizes how wonderful you are. If he can’t see that, then you need to move on. There will be someone in your future who will see that, and then you’ll look back on this and realize it wasn’t right. But for now, you just need to wait and see. We’re sorry. We wish we could make this work out for you, but relationships are not about control. Take care and keep us posted. Ask another question anytime. Please let your friends know about us. And please consider a small donation to THE GUYS. (PayPal) No amount is too small or too big. 🙂

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