Found my fiancé on dating sites and apps

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Dear Guys,

I found that my fiancé  searched for AND joined dating and hook up sites and also went on Craigslist personals and downloaded Kik app and a gay app. I found several more later. He did this all on his phone at work. Also after being engaged for a few weeks he joined POF with no profile pic but favorited about 100 women, although I’m not sure if he messaged them or not.

We have been engaged a year now and have been together a total of four. We are both in our fifties, and both have been married before. Reluctantly he confessed to it all stating that he wanted to see what was out there and felt the need to talk dirty to women and also have normal talks with women. He says he was bored at work and we were arguing alot and I seemed unhappy which made him unhappy. But he said the main reason was because I told him that he could probably find someone else more attractive and athletic than me. (I have self esteem issues and he knows this.)

So for a week he gave me his phone and said I could keep it with me, but then changed his mind and said he needed his phone to take to work for phone calls but promised me that he won’t go looking anymore. (He expects me to trust him??) He says everyday I can do a search through his phone but I think he will just hide his searches so I won’t be able to see them. Also the day after he took his phone back I searched it and he went to Google Incognito so I couldn’t see what he searched. He says he had to make sure he had closed out a dating site. (I don’t really believe that!)

Now he says we need to cease talking about any of what happened and move forward. Everytime I ask more questions he gets all mad and says it’s over for our relationship because I won’t let it go. I think it’s possible he has been on these sites the whole four years and he may be addicted. He says he’s not addicted nor has he met up or done anything physical. I suggested counseling and he said okay, but I’m frankly so hurt by this because he has always said how much he loves me and wants only me and he’s happy with me in every way and I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. Now I don’t think I can ever fully trust him again. I feel so much anxiety and I fear that if I stay with him this will eventually happen again.

Your thoughts?

Jean

Dear Jean,

We can understand why you’re so upset. You’ve been betrayed by the person whom you planned to spend the rest of your life with. That would be unsettling to anyone. But understand something. This is about him, not you. We know you mentioned that you have self-esteem issues, but that doesn’t give him the green light to sneak around behind your back.

The question here is all about whether or not you think you’ll be able to trust him again. He’s admitted to his actions, shown some remorse, apologized, and shown that he’s willing to take steps to rectify the situation. All of those things are positive signs, but they don’t erase what happened. So the bigger question Jean is, WHY did he feel the need to explore these sites and apps? Maybe he doesn’t fully understand it himself, but in order for you to get your relationship back on track—if it’s even possible—the two of you need to figure out the answer to that question. Is it because he’s unhappy? Is he not satisfied sexually? Does he need more than you’re able to give him? Is he insecure, and need constant approval from many different people? Is he possibly gay or interested in exploring that side of him?

Depending on what the issue is, you might be able to work through this, preferably with a professional to help guide you. But some of these issues, might be difficult to work through. A lot depends on how self-aware he is, and his ability to articulate his feelings and needs. And of course you.

In the end Jean, this is going to come down to you. Maybe he’s talked about breaking up, but it seems that he’s not willing to follow that up with action. Which means, that how this plays out has a lot to do with what you want and need. Some questions to ask yourself: Am I able to forgive? Can I move past this betrayal and trust him again? Am I okay, knowing that he was talking to other women, and possibly men? And more importantly: What do I need from a relationship? What do I need from my partner? What do I need to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship?

We understand that you’re in your 50s, and that’s different than dating in your 20s. Meaning, the pool of possible candidates is smaller. However, relationships at any age require mutual respect and trust. Don’t compromise on those core values.

Any other foll0w-up questions? Leave in the comments below.

Take care,

THE GUYS

Read more Dating and Relationship Questions and answers from THE GUYS

7 Comments on Found my fiancé on dating sites and apps

  1. I have a similar situation. I am in a long distance relationship with my childhood crush. We’ve both had heartache in the 30 years since we left school. For him this has included 3 long term, relationships, two of which resulted in him being cheated on. On my last visit I found he was on a dating site. He had given me full access to his computer to sort some other matters out.

    When I asked about it he did not try to deny ir hide it. He said that he registered following the breakup of his marriage, before we got back in touch. He talked about how his confidence and ego had taken a huge knock, not an issue he’s ever had before. He said he did not get any responses and couldn’t understand why as he doesn’t consider himself to be ugly, unfit etc. He said he came off the sight when we resumed contact and it was clear we were developing more than friendship. After this he said his phone was ‘blowing up’ with messages from the sight and he was curious so rejoined, this was since we were in a relationship. When we discussed this he reflected that he had been sucked in, that he had become vulnerable and had been stupid.

  2. He said that in his view he had not cheated as there had been no direct contact and that all he wanted was some validation to boost his confidence. When offered the scenario the other way around he was able to see that he would not have liked this and it was not OK. He has assured me that I am enough,that it was separate from us, nothing to do with us and he will not do anything like this again. He has said he is sorry, that he didn’t mean to hurt me and is devastated he has. Through discussion he was clear he wants to be with me and I have noted good communication from him since this time, I have returned home.

    Before this I had an unwavering confidence that despite the distance he would not cheat on me, this came from discussion with him about his experiences, my experiences and his views on cheating which were very strong in that it is unacceptable. This has been shaken. I want to believe him but there is doubt. He says time will show me that he is true.

    I’m interested on your views on his explanation of his reasons.

  3. @Mou……Honestly, this will simply come down to: Do you believe him or not. And are you willing to look beyond this as a one-time mess up and move forward in this relationship. Look, he broke the trust. And he knows that. From what you say, he took full responsibility, he saw your point of view, he agreed with you, he apologized, and he said he was going to prove it to you moving forward. All of that is VERY GOOD. He’s taking responsibility, he’s able to self-reflect, he is able to see how it affected you, he’s remorseful, and is going to try to make up for it. And isn’t that the kind of person you want to be with? So he made a mistake? It wasn’t great, but it wasn’t the worst thing in the world. But he’s owning up to it. And that’s what mature people do. We don’t think you should sweep this under the rug, but it sounds as if he’s worth giving a second chance to. What do you think? Agree/Disagree? What do your friends think? NOTE: We’re not making any guarantees here. Just that, we respect guys who own up to their mistakes and try to make things right.

  4. Thank you for your words. I do want to give him another chance and believe what we’ve had and what we could be is worth it, things could have been a lot worse, you’re right.

    There is part of me that does believe he would not cheat on me in his definition of this and I guess its been a learning curve for him on where our lines are in relation to this. I do have some niggles. Such as why wasn’t he getting all he needed from me? Why did he need to seek validation from nobodies? When I’ve asked this he says he does get enough from me and he realised that he’s been stupid trying to get validation from elsewhere. I guess it makes me question how much he values, me and us.

    He is very competitive and I think this may have been another driving force for him.

    My biggest unanswered question is how de we get back to a place where I can look at him with the same level of confidence that he won’t cheat that I had before this? He says time will tell and I agree. There’s part of me that needs something from him although I can’t identify the specifics of thus, I perhaps want him to come up with something. Due to my own experiences I can be insecure and I perhaps need constant reassurance which in time is likely to be waring for him. Any ideas?

  5. @Mou…..He’s right in a way. You have to give this some time. That said, as difficult as it might be, if you truly want to give this a go, you need to open yourself up to him again. But once again, this doesn’t need to happen right away. Keep your eyes and heart open, but take it step by step….baby steps is good! Hopefully in a month, two months, six months, you’ll feel differently about all of this and he’ll have earned your trust again. One thing: If you’re still feeling unsure in a month or so, you need to talk about it. He should be willing to help you work through this. And maybe that’s what you need. Willingness on his part. If he gets frustrated, or impatient, then you’ll know he doesn’t value you and the relationship as much as you do him. Bottom Line: Ask for what you want and need. It may or may not work out, but he’ll respect you more for it, and that will likely lead to him being more committed to you. Any other questions? ps. Keep an eye out for our book about the inner workings of a guy’s mind. Coming soon. Keep checking out our site. And please spread the word. Thanks. 🙂

  6. Thank you, it’s so good to have an objective view and from the male perspective. I may be back, but for now I think I know where I’m going 😊

  7. @Mou…..Glad we could help. Good luck!

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