FWB: No One Knows We’re Hooking Up

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Hi Guys!

So…. I have been hooking up (friends with benefits) with my best guy friend for the last four months. While this seems like every other situation, this is definitely different. We go to the same college, have the same friends, always see each other, are neighbors, he is in the military (with all my other friends), and he is good friends with my sibling (also in the same branch of military). Here is the twist…. no one knows we hook up and I don’t even know if he likes me!

He and I just get each other on a different level. When it is just the two of us, he is a completely different person, filled with laughter, fun, heart, passion, gentleness, and so many amazing qualities. Whenever others are around, he treats me so differently. He is rude, pokes fun at me. He said to me after a few drinks one night, “It is only because I don’t want people suspecting, but I am not embarrassed to be with you.”

So my point is, I like him and have never had the nerve to tell him how I feel because I have no idea where his head is even at. We have never had the serious conversation fully sober and I am afraid I am wasting my time by even opening up to him. I know he will be stationed somewhere after graduation and I will end up in grad school somewhere, but he means a lot to me. I just don’t know if I should bite the bullet and say something or just let it go. I would have let it go if I had some feeling he felt the same, but there is so much confusion.

I hope you guys can help.


Dear Mel,

Something you should understand about guys. When they feel strongly about a woman they want to announce how they feel to the world. It’s their way of “claiming” her, as if to say to the rest of the available men, “Stay away. She’s mine.” That means they will introduce her to friends and family. They will be affectionate in public. They’ll make it obvious.

We know you feel that your situation is unique, and of course every situation is unique in some ways, but your story is a familiar one. You’re with a guy who’s getting his needs met without having to put in much effort, and without having to give up anything to get what he wants. You might feel this is a bit harsh, but we’re just trying to be honest.

So what can you do?

Well, if you truly want to know where you stand then you should ask him. Of course there are NO guarantees that it will work out if you do. Here are his possible reactions. 1. He could decide he no longer wants to hook up with you. 2. He could tell you he feels the same as you. 3. He could tell you that you’re being silly and that you should just leave a good thing alone.

Let’s look at each.

1. If he decides he no longer wants to be with you then at least you know where you stand and you don’t have to wonder what he’s thinking or feeling. Yes, it might be a bit awkward when you see him with your group of friends, but that’s the risk you take.

2. Telling you he feels the same would be a great outcome. BUT…..and this is important. Telling you is one thing, but changing his behavior is quite another. Remember, actions speak louder than words. If he tells you he feels the same but then doesn’t “claim” you as his girlfriend, or makes it known you’re together, then you know that he’s just in it for the sex.

3. If he says you should just go with the flow, then once again, you’ll know that he just likes hooking up with you but doesn’t want anything more.

Finally, if you just let it go, we doubt anything’s going to change. But that’s your call of course.

We hope this helps. Good luck. Let us know if you have any follow-up questions. (Leave in the comments section below.) And please let your friends know about us. Thanks.


Read more Relationship Advice and Dating Advice about Friends with Benefits and Hooking Up

Friends with Benefits/Hooking Up

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